Luke Bradnam (with misspelled name in chryon I think) in. Colin Jost (insert) out.
Luke Bradnam (with misspelled name in chryon I think) in. Colin Jost (insert) out.

Funnyman Colin Jost forced home from Tahiti after “most dangerous place in the world” eats his foot

"I don’t muck around mate.”

Though surfing shortboard did not break through at these Olympic Games, it was not without its moments. House Toledo roared into dominant control, Ricardo the Father paving the way for Filipe the Son to be crowned King of Teahupo’o by eliminating disent. His inspirational rule lasted a total of sixteen hours and then the waves got real.

Australia’s Jack Robinson was forced to scrub rising sun logos off his surfing shortboards after the South Korean delegation launched an official complaint.

Australia’s judge, Ben Lowe, was sent home after Brazil’s Pedro Scooby cried him a river, taking the tattered banner of House Toledo and flying it once more.

Most importantly, though, funnyman Colin Jost was forced to vacate his roving reporter position after stubbing his toes on the “most dangerous place in the world” and possibly developing an infection. The Mirror is reporting he has flown home to wife Scarlett Johansson and will be replaced by Australian weatherman Luke Bradnam.

“I did pretty well until the first wave, and then I ended up standing on the coral reef. Much like the coral reef safety expert, but without coral shoes on. So I got a little scraped up,” Jost said after the injury and then proceeded to march around barefoot in the dirt.

Reached for comment, Bradnam did not shirk from his new role, declaring, “I don’t muck around mate.”

It is unclear, at time of writing, if there is a picture of Bradnam standing next to other Australian surfers and/or coaches on social media leaving some to wonder if his time behind the mic may be cut short do a patented Brazilian storm of complaints.

More as the story develops.

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Carissa Moore, ladies and gents. ISA / Pablo Jimenez
Carissa Moore, ladies and gents. ISA / Pablo Jimenez

Carissa Moore eclipses Kelly Slater as greatest surfer of all-time after final Olympic performance

"I went all in, and it didn’t work out but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.”

Olympic surfing shortboard has not yet concluded but the winner has already been announced. Honolulu’s Carissa Moore. The five-time world champion and former Olympic gold medalist stamped her place in history as “greatest surfer of all-time,” eclipsing Kelly Slater, with a pure class retirement announcement in Tahiti.

Moore, who fell out of competition after a loss to Johanne Defay in messy conditions, told the official Olympics organ, “Obviously, I wanted it so bad, I put everything I had into it and this year and at least I can hold my head up high and be proud of that. It’s definitely a letdown and a little bit of a frustration to not be able to showcase what I think I’ve really worked on this year but regardless I’ve had a great time. It will probably take a little while to process, but at the same time there are so many other things to look forward to and be grateful for.”

Later, she added, “I’ve always wanted to be that person that, no matter what, the result doesn’t define me. It doesn’t define the work that I’ve put in and it doesn’t define me as a surfer. I hope that despite the result I was able to bring joy through this experience to everyone watching and inspire other people to chase their dreams fearlessly and don’t let the fear of failure keep you from going hard and going all in. I went all in, and it didn’t work out but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.”

Refusing to pull focus from the surfers still in the draw, mixing effortless grace with tenacity and exuding such style all hallmarks of the Moore brand and reflected in her, likely, final heat in a single.

At least we’ll still have Kelly Slater to kick around next year. And the year after. Etc.

Back to Moore, though. The 31-year-old has an entire second act ahead and it will be exciting to see where she takes the Sport of Queens. For now, though, she should rest easy on those GOAT laurels.

Grace and class, I reckon, on top of wild professional accomplishment the deciding factors.

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China's Siqi Yang, breakout surfer of the Olympics
China's Siqi Yang, breakout surfer of the Olympics. | Photo: ISA/Pablo Jimenez

Olympics give a painfully authentic vision of what surfing actually looks like

"The ocean can be so cruel to surfing, and it exercised its full demonic forces on this Olympic event."

On Thursday as I watched the Olympic surfing event unfold, I couldn’t help but wonder, what we are even doing here?

In a marathon session, the event ran straight through quarterfinals in the most marginal surf imaginable. Small, lumpy, wind-fucked waves littered the lineup and low scoring heats dominated. It left me wondering if surfing belongs in the Olympics at all.

That was all the more evident against the backdrop of some of the other events unfolding at the same time. In gymnastics, Simone Biles won her second all-around gold medal with a landmark performance that showcased the peak of her astonishing powers. She faced a close, determined competitor in Brazil’s Rebeca Andrade, and together they pushed their sport to a mind-bending new level. In the pool, meanwhile, Katie Ledecki showed yet again why she is the best ever distance swimmer with a commanding victory in the 1500 meter.

Those events — and many others this past week — gave us the kinds of performances we come to the Olympics to see: The best in the world, doing the thing they were born to do, with all of the formidable powers at their command. World records fall and the sheer wonder of human ability stretches the imagination to the breaking point. If you have any love for sports at all, it’s impossible to look away, impossible not to feel something in the face of all this rare talent.

And then, there’s surfing.

It was hard not to feel a comedown yesterday and hard not to wonder how this grinding day of competition fit into the big picture of the Olympics. The ocean can be so cruel to surfing, and it exercised its full demonic forces on this Olympic event. Of course, contest surfers are accustomed to these kind of shenanigans, and prepare to deal with them.

But the whole thing felt deflating, all the more so, because we had a glimpse of what this event could have been. On Monday, beautiful, treacherous caverns turned Teahupo’o into a demented dreamland. Gabriel Medina delivered one of the peak moments of the event with his 9.90-point ride, that should by any estimation have been a ten.

As with life, beauty is so fleeting in surfing. It’s here today, and inevitably gone tomorrow.

If nothing else, this year’s Olympic surfing event has provided a painfully authentic vision of what surfing actually looks like. How many of us have shown up to the beach, hopeful and optimistic, only to find that the ocean had other ideas? We watch the forecasts, wax our favorite boards, and buy the best fins, only to have the ocean prank us again and again.

Recently, I was talking to a friend, who doesn’t surf. He’s interested in surfing, but has never actually done it. He asked me where I’d surfed the previous day. Ventura, I said. It wasn’t very good — cold and onshore, which is to say, a typical day in Ventura. Then why do it, he asked. I confess, I did not have a good answer to that question. Why do anything?

There is an absurdity to the whole endeavor of surfing that fits ill with the feel-good stories the Olympics invariably attempts to provide. When we paddle out, we are at the mercy of a force beyond our comprehension and well-outside of our control. We live moment to moment, our human agency puny against the forces the ocean brings to bear against us. It’s hard to assign any meaning at all to the whole thing.

Experience breeds skill, sure. Over time, we learn to read the signs a little more clearly. Still, more often than not, the ocean laughs at us. Surfing is the continual, delusional triumph of optimism over experience. We just keep going, when everything should be telling us to give it up, take up running, stay home and watch tv.

Both Biles and Ledecki have a clear advantage in this respect. The balance beam doesn’t suddenly run uphill. The high bar is always 250cm; the low bar is always 170cm. An Olympic swimming pool runs 50 meters in each direction, and Ledecki could likely swim a 1500m with her eyes closed. Almost certainly, she knows exactly how many strokes will carry her across that pool every time. A surfer can never know this feeling.

You’ll be thinking, well, surely this is an argument for wave pools — and maybe it is. How much of the Olympic surfing competition should be about reading the ocean? How much should be about the performance of riding waves? I’m not sure how to strike the balance here, but we’ve now had two Olympic cycles where the waves haven’t shown up. It is starting to feel like our weird pastime doesnt’t really fit in.

I could imagine a version of surfing that took a page out street skateboarding’s book. Move the whole burrito to a wave pool. Allow surfers two runs on the wave to score points with their favorite maneuvers — turns, airs, and whatever else they can invent. Then add a best trick element to force progression and open up space for surfers to show what they can really do. Score it all. Give out some medals. Go home smiling.

Of course, a contest like this looks nothing like how we normally define or experience surfing. It would become something altogether different. Torn from its roots in the ocean and its traditions, would surfing survive all these layers of artifice? Certainly, it would feel less relevant and less connected to the thing we go to the beach and try to do every day. Some of the magic would certainly be lost, and if the trade-offs add up to anything worthwhile.

By the end of Thursday, the medal contenders were decided. To be clear, all of them deserve to be there. They read the shifty conditions and made the most of their chances. They also got a little lucky, as is the always the case with heat surfing. We all need a little luck on our side out there.

When the contest resumes sometime this weekend, we’ll see four heats of semifinals and two medal-deciding heats. On the women’s side, Caroline Marks meets Johanne Defay, while Brisa Hennessy surfs against Tati West. On the men’s side, Kauli Vaast has Alonso Correa and Gabe Medina faces Jack Robinson. Forecasts suggest Sunday, the final day of the waiting period, could have decent surf. Do you feel lucky?

Before we move on, though, let’s pause a moment to give Carissa Moore her flowers. The defending Olympic champion lost to Johanne in the quarterfinals and tearfully confirmed her retirement from competitive surfing. The announcement should not come as a surprise to anyone, after Carissa left the Championship Tour earlier this year.

A five-time world champion, Carissa has consistently elevated her sport and continually given back to younger girls in the sport. Carissa’s a transformative character who’s given surfing so much. On Thursday, she showed a characteristic grace in her disappointment.

“I couldn’t have imagined a better place to finish off my career,” she said. “The process has been so much fun and I caught some waves I never thought I would’ve ever caught in my whole life. Don’t be afraid to go for it fearlessly and don’t be afraid to fail.”

Maybe there’s a little of that Olympic magic in surfing after all.

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Jack Robinson with Rising Sun flag boards.
Jack Robinson, a gold medal favourite, with boards painted red after complaint from South Korea. | Photo: ISA/Pablo Franco

Revealed: Jack Robinson removed Rising Sun surfboard graphic after complaint from Team South Korea

"This is what invokes some people’s scars so it should be banned for use."

One week back, the Australian gold medal favourite Jack Robinson posted a photograph of his quiver of Arakawas for the Olympics, the four sleek rides each emblazoned with the Japanese Imperial flag aka the Rising Sun. 

The Japanese Imperial Flag was proudly flown by the Japanese military during its failed attempt to own the Pacific and sits alongside other controversial flags such as the Soviet Hammer and Sickle, the Nazi Swastika and the US’s own Confederate Flag.

Jack Robinson, a kid from Margaret River, is unlikely to’ve been blessed with an interest or even schooling in mid-twentieth century history, and was merely paying tribute to his idol, the great Andy Irons, whose Rising Sun trunks kept Billabong staff in bonuses for half a decade in the early 2000s.

Jack Robinson and Rising Sun surfboards.
Jackie Robinson and his fleet of Japanese Imperial Flag aka Rising Sun boards.

There was a little pushback on the post, not much, and I was surprised, therefore, when it was deleted. 

Now, it can be revealed that it was a protest from Team South Korea that led to the bottom of Jackie’s boards being painted over in red, although you are still able to see the faint outline of the rays of the original design. 

“I saw his post, thinking that board can’t be used because Olympics is a pure sports event,” South Korea’s team manager told Reuters. “Eventually the South Korean Olympic team visited Australian counterpart not to see that board during the Games.”

Team manager Song said although he was aware of its links to Andy Irons it’s important surfers got to know a little about the Rising Sun flag’s links to Japan’s dark history. 

Andy Irons Rising Sun trunks.
Andy Irons wears a Rising Sun muumuu at Teahupoo some years back.

“I do want to tell people that even if this design is chosen out of personal views, it can be embarrassing. This isn’t about South Korea protesting but this is what invokes some people’s scars so it should be banned for use despite freedom of expression.”

Imperial Japan’s occupation of Korea from 1910 to 1945 was marked by atrocities that left deep scars on the Korean people and their collective memory. 

Rape, tortures, massacres, women and girls forced into sexual slavery, etc etc and etc.

Eighty years later and we’re all best pals, Jap Empire, the German Reich, which is great don’t you think?

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Follow the evidence. Photo: Instagram

Bombshell new evidence of dismissed Olympic surf judge’s “inappropriate” behavior uncovered

"Shocking. Absolutely shocking."

The surfing shortboard component of these 2024 Olympic Games is not yet finished but there is already a clear winner. Yes, the mighty Brazilian surf fan has found his voice and raised it in a whinge so powerful, so deafening as to alter the very course of history.

Directly ahead of the Teahupo’o kicking off, surf champion Filipe Toledo’s brave father Ricardo became furious over a story, here, that suggested Brazilian sharks had a cocaine problem. Rallying his countrymen, he did the “powerful punitive action” and had this “unhappy” offending surf journalist removed from Instagram after a barrage of mass complaining. No matter that the cocaine sharks had never appeared on my social media stream nor anything, much, besides a few pictures of ballet and videos of a small Indian boy dancing. I was informed, yesterday, that @surfjournalist had been permanently erased and there was no recourse whatsoever.

Victory.

Then, yesterday, a photo was released of Olympic surf judge Ben Lowe standing with Australian surf coach Bede Durbidge and Australia Olympic surfer Ethan Ewing. The three had arms resting on each other’s shoulders with a caption reading “These three Straddie Boys doing their stuff at the Olympics” followed by two heart emojis. Straddie, or North Stradbroke, is “the second largest sand island in the world,” according to Derek Rielly, “and home to a little over two thousand souls.”

While three small town pals meeting up off the clock might seem innocuous, the eagle-eye’d Brazilian surf fan Pedro Scooby directly spotted the naughtiness and, rallying his countrymen yet again, declared, “During the Tokyo games, there was a judge who assigned the highest scores to Medina’s opponents in the same heat, while giving him the lowest marks. A formal complaint was lodged against this judge to the Olympic Committee, but nothing was done. This guy is back again. Just today, while relaxing at home, I received a WhatsApp photo of him hugging Ethan, who is the one that, if Medina advances, could face him in the semifinals.”

Aussie surf judge Ben Lowe sent home from Olympics.
Ben Lowe, at right, a British-Australian surf judge, sent home from Teahupoo after complaints of bias from Brazil.

“Hugging” a bit of creative license but not important.

Acting even faster than Instagram, the International Surfing Association had Lowe pack his bags, likely forcing him to wear a funny hat to increase the shame, and fly directly home. “The ISA is aware of a photo circulating on social media in which one of the Olympic surfing judges from Australia is seen socially interacting with an Australian athlete and the team manager,” the ISA said in a statement. “It is inappropriate for a judge to be interacting in this manner with an athlete and their team.”

Victory 2.0.

Though bombshell new evidence of Lowe’s actual “inappropriate” behavior was uncovered by the unlikeliest source, hours ago. The Inertia, home of surf guru Sam George and other involuntarily celibates, got onto the story, crunched numbers and discovered Lowe actually has an anti-Australian bias, scoring his own countrymen 0.16 lower than the average, over the course of the Olympics, while scoring Brazilians 0.11 lower.

Will the Lucky Country be able to find a unified whine as powerful as the land of Progress and Order and employ it to some vicious but important end?

More as the story develops.

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