Bombshell new evidence of dismissed Olympic surf judge’s “inappropriate” behavior uncovered

"Shocking. Absolutely shocking."

The surfing shortboard component of these 2024 Olympic Games is not yet finished but there is already a clear winner. Yes, the mighty Brazilian surf fan has found his voice and raised it in a whinge so powerful, so deafening as to alter the very course of history.

Directly ahead of the Teahupo’o kicking off, surf champion Filipe Toledo’s brave father Ricardo became furious over a story, here, that suggested Brazilian sharks had a cocaine problem. Rallying his countrymen, he did the “powerful punitive action” and had this “unhappy” offending surf journalist removed from Instagram after a barrage of mass complaining. No matter that the cocaine sharks had never appeared on my social media stream nor anything, much, besides a few pictures of ballet and videos of a small Indian boy dancing. I was informed, yesterday, that @surfjournalist had been permanently erased and there was no recourse whatsoever.

Victory.

Then, yesterday, a photo was released of Olympic surf judge Ben Lowe standing with Australian surf coach Bede Durbidge and Australia Olympic surfer Ethan Ewing. The three had arms resting on each other’s shoulders with a caption reading “These three Straddie Boys doing their stuff at the Olympics” followed by two heart emojis. Straddie, or North Stradbroke, is “the second largest sand island in the world,” according to Derek Rielly, “and home to a little over two thousand souls.”

While three small town pals meeting up off the clock might seem innocuous, the eagle-eye’d Brazilian surf fan Pedro Scooby directly spotted the naughtiness and, rallying his countrymen yet again, declared, “During the Tokyo games, there was a judge who assigned the highest scores to Medina’s opponents in the same heat, while giving him the lowest marks. A formal complaint was lodged against this judge to the Olympic Committee, but nothing was done. This guy is back again. Just today, while relaxing at home, I received a WhatsApp photo of him hugging Ethan, who is the one that, if Medina advances, could face him in the semifinals.”

“Hugging” a bit of creative license but not important.

Acting even faster than Instagram, the International Surfing Association had Lowe pack his bags, likely forcing him to wear a funny hat to increase the shame, and fly directly home. The ISA is aware of a photo circulating on social media in which one of the Olympic surfing judges from Australia is seen socially interacting with an Australian athlete and the team manager,” the ISA said in a statement. “It is inappropriate for a judge to be interacting in this manner with an athlete and their team.”

Victory 2.0.

Though bombshell new evidence of Lowe’s actual “inappropriate” behavior was uncovered by the unlikeliest source, hours ago. The Inertia, home of surf guru Sam George and other involuntarily celibates, got onto the story, crunched numbers and discovered Lowe actually has an anti-Australian bias, scoring his own countrymen 0.16 lower than the average, over the course of the Olympics, while scoring Brazilians 0.11 lower.

Will the Lucky Country be able to find a unified whine as powerful as the land of Progress and Order and employ it to some vicious but important end?

More as the story develops.