"Shocking. Absolutely shocking."

The surfing shortboard component of these 2024 Olympic Games is not yet finished but there is already a clear winner. Yes, the mighty Brazilian surf fan has found his voice and raised it in a whinge so powerful, so deafening as to alter the very course of history.

Directly ahead of the Teahupo’o kicking off, surf champion Filipe Toledo’s brave father Ricardo became furious over a story, here, that suggested Brazilian sharks had a cocaine problem. Rallying his countrymen, he did the “powerful punitive action” and had this “unhappy” offending surf journalist removed from Instagram after a barrage of mass complaining. No matter that the cocaine sharks had never appeared on my social media stream nor anything, much, besides a few pictures of ballet and videos of a small Indian boy dancing. I was informed, yesterday, that @surfjournalist had been permanently erased and there was no recourse whatsoever.

Victory.

Then, yesterday, a photo was released of Olympic surf judge Ben Lowe standing with Australian surf coach Bede Durbidge and Australia Olympic surfer Ethan Ewing. The three had arms resting on each other’s shoulders with a caption reading “These three Straddie Boys doing their stuff at the Olympics” followed by two heart emojis. Straddie, or North Stradbroke, is “the second largest sand island in the world,” according to Derek Rielly, “and home to a little over two thousand souls.”

While three small town pals meeting up off the clock might seem innocuous, the eagle-eye’d Brazilian surf fan Pedro Scooby directly spotted the naughtiness and, rallying his countrymen yet again, declared, “During the Tokyo games, there was a judge who assigned the highest scores to Medina’s opponents in the same heat, while giving him the lowest marks. A formal complaint was lodged against this judge to the Olympic Committee, but nothing was done. This guy is back again. Just today, while relaxing at home, I received a WhatsApp photo of him hugging Ethan, who is the one that, if Medina advances, could face him in the semifinals.”

“Hugging” a bit of creative license but not important.

Acting even faster than Instagram, the International Surfing Association had Lowe pack his bags, likely forcing him to wear a funny hat to increase the shame, and fly directly home. “The ISA is aware of a photo circulating on social media in which one of the Olympic surfing judges from Australia is seen socially interacting with an Australian athlete and the team manager,” the ISA said in a statement. “It is inappropriate for a judge to be interacting in this manner with an athlete and their team.”

Victory 2.0.

Though bombshell new evidence of Lowe’s actual “inappropriate” behavior was uncovered by the unlikeliest source, hours ago. The Inertia, home of surf guru Sam George and other involuntarily celibates, got onto the story, crunched numbers and discovered Lowe actually has an anti-Australian bias, scoring his own countrymen 0.16 lower than the average, over the course of the Olympics, while scoring Brazilians 0.11 lower.

Will the Lucky Country be able to find a unified whine as powerful as the land of Progress and Order and employ it to some vicious but important end?

More as the story develops.

In memory of House Toledo (7/28 – 7/29).

"I look back and it wasn't a perfect forecast by any means ..."

The official forecast for the Teahupo’o Olympics, delivered by Surfline, was for unexceptional surf during the entire waiting period. Contestable, sure, but not epic. Then Monday. Head Place came to absolute roaring life, nearly drowning Western Australian hell charger Jack Robinson and deposing recent King of Teahupo’o Filipe Toledo 16 hours after his grand coronation.

Stab Magazine called it “the day that will outlive us all” and Surfer Magazine declared it “Wow bingo bongo. Waves made giant tubulars for to surfers rip the corn hole!”

Surfline clearly whiffing on the call.

Speaking to Reuters, head forecaster Kevin Wallis explained, “I look back and it wasn’t a perfect forecast by any means … but, yeah, under promise, over deliver. That’s always a good rule of thumb in forecasting.”

That’s Surfline’s rule of thumb when it comes to World Surf League forecasts?

Under promise, over deliver?

Well color me code red.

Wallis also opened up about “the toughest job at Teahupo’o” which is forecasting, saying, “My popularity it wanes with how good the waves actually look. But, yeah, everyone’s obviously interested in what the waves were doing over the next few days.”

Everyone except House Toledo (7/28 – 7/29).

Frowny face emoji.

"You know it's going great when you've been to the Olympic medical tent more than any of the athletes."

Olympic shortboard surfing has been called off for two days in a row, now, though Teahupo’o’s reputation as “the most dangerous place in the world” has only been burnished during that time. Coverage of the Tahitian mutant has been breathless, in the mainstream media, with descriptors such as “treacherous” being applied. Surfline, typically reserved, has even partaken in horror talk vis a vis “The End of the Road” characterizing it a “uniquely intense surf zone” and “freakish.”

Well deserved and especially in light of NBC correspondent Colin Jost stubbing his toes on the very scary reef and requiring medical attention.

The Saturday Night Live funnyman took to Instagram in order to declare, “I did pretty well until the first wave, and then I ended up standing on the coral reef. Much like the coral reef safety expert, but without coral shoes on. So I got a little scraped up.”

Extremely graphic images shared.

The injury developed an infection, as reef scrapes often do, and surf fans were immediately reminded of former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan who suffered life-threatening scratches gifted from the same nightmare shoal nearly two years ago.

While Logan cried like a baby as WSL deputy commissioner Renato Hickel squirted lime juice on the affected area, Jost seems to be taking his dance with death in comedic stride, informing his audience, “You know it’s going great when you’ve been to the Olympic medical tent more than any of the athletes.”

No word how many times King of Teahupo’o Filipe Toledo (7/28 – 7/29) dawned the aforementioned medical tent’s flap.

The threat to life and limb and digit possibly scaring away those watching at home and dreaming of potentially wrangling a Head Place barrel for themselves.

When competition resumes, the men will be in their quarterfinal round while the women will enter round 3. The Shortboard Surfing waiting period ends in four more days.

I’m sticking with my original prediction of a Joao Chianca gold and Carissa Moore backing up her Tokyo bauble with a Parisien one.

Who you got?