Crystal Ball: Largest news agency in the
world declares if surfing successful at Tokyo Games, Olympic
bodyboarding will follow!
By Chas Smith
Fingers crossed.
And oh how the pressure is ON. As you know
well, surfing will make its official Olympic debut in mere weeks’
time. Many, save Jordy
Smith, are very excited but will it be a grand coming
out or a total fizzle?
Well, it depends on the waves I suppose.
And Gabriel Medina vs. Italo Ferriera.
But if the waves are good, and if Gab + Italo perform, then one
of the oldest, largest news organizations in the world suggests
that Olympic boogie, longboard, SUP may follow.
There are two gold medals up for grabs in Tokyo, one each
for men and women using shortboards. Should these competitions
provide the spectacular drama and visuals usually associated with
the sport, other events such as longboards, bodyboards and stand-up
paddleboards (SUPs) may be included at future Games.
And later…
At approximately 1.8 metres in length, the shortboards
usually have three small fins on the underside and a pointed nose,
which gives skilled riders the freedom to carry out tight turns and
dynamic changes of direction that are harder to pull off on larger
boards.
Shortboard supremacy coming to an end?
That depends, again, on Brazil.
The irony.
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Inspired young hero plans to surf 301
straight days after horrific shark attack: “The lifeguard who came
he was like, ‘yeah, I can see your lungs through your back!’”
By Chas Smith
Mike Tyson would be proud.
We’ve all, at this point, imagined being out
and getting hit by a shark and easy to say, “Oh, I wouldn’t let it
affect me. I’d be right back out there as soon as I’m healed…” but
much different to say than to do. The great Mike Tyson famously
said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face,” and
getting big in the torso by a shark carries much more gravitas
which is what makes Encinitas’s Keane Hayes much impressive.
Heroic even.
The then thirteen almost fourteen year old was diving for
lobster off Beacons beach when he was viciously mauled. According
to San Diego’s local ABC
affiliate, when he was brought to the beach, the
lifeguard said, “Yeah, I can see your lungs through your back.”
A very chill lifeguard.
The boy was life-flighted to Rady’s Children’s Hospital and
underwent multiple surgeries including getting over 1000 stitches
but even that didn’t stop him. Now sixteen, he is committed to
surfing 301 consecutive days.
“I think we’re on day 170. It’s also just a personal goal just
to surf a ton and be in the water fishing or doing whatever.
Honestly, it just kind of feels natural you know, like I’m not
pushing it, I’m not scared,” he told the news outlet.
He is also committed to helping others overcome their own
fears.
“Going with Bethany Hamilton and pushing girls without arms,
like amputees, like that’s…. it’s, I can’t even describe it, it’s
just so much fun and feels good to help them.”
Heroic altogether.
Mike Tyson would be proud.
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Human hard-on Raimana, left, and eighties supermod
Cindy Crawford. | Photo: @cindycrawford
Eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford
describes OG Tahitian surf-stud Raimana Van Bastolaer as human
Viagra, “I call him the Big Blue Pill. He can get anyone up. Even
me!”
By Derek Rielly
The human hard-on!
In one of the loveliest rags to riches stories you could
ever imagine, Tahitian Raimana Van Bastolaer, formerTeahupoo ambassadorturned smiling face of the Surf Ranch, has been described
as human Viagra by eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford.
Viagra is a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction or to
ramp up an already tumescent womb-duster. Side effects include
deeply satisfied gal, a terrible chafing on shaft and a reputation
as a pussy assassin.
On Instagram, the fifty-five-year-old whose career peaked in
1987 when she appeared alongside the other OG supermods Christy
Turlington, Linda Evangalista and Naomi Campbell on British
Vogue, writes,
And this is why I call @raimanaworld the Big Blue Pill — he
can get anyone up—even me!
A roll call of celebs, including NY designer Donna Karan,
supermodels Carolyn Murphy and Christine Brinkley, joined in in the
comments, thrilling to the
ride and to human hard-on Raimana Van Bastolaer.
Are you half a man and therefore used out of necessity or was
your intent to fill an already overflowing pool, to stoke an
already burning crotch fire?
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Art by Beeple.
Question: Did Facebook founder and CEO Mark
Zuckerberg single-handedly destroy both foiling and America in one
fell swoop?
By Chas Smith
An important discussion.
Yesterday, on the United States of America’s
245th birthday, Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg posted a
video of himself e-foiling whilst holding an American flag set to
John Denver’s “Take me home, country roads” on his Instagram.
Now, an important question for us surfers, us children of the
sea. Did Zuckerberg single-handedly destroy both foiling and
America in one fell swoop?
Oh, of course the fifth richest man in the world is e-foiling
but I think a small distinction to make on such a large platform
and I’d imagine any time anyone now pulls any sort of float board
out of car someone will snort derisively.
Very much worse than what Adam Sandler did to rollerblading and
look how that has disappeared.
Also, America.
I am currently in Mexico enjoying warm water and warmer weather
and, looking north, it seems like Zuck hammered a nail into the
coffin. The last nail?
Well, that’s what I’m asking you.
Foiling finished, the U.S.A. finished?
Difficult for me to see how either survives this.
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A Great White, tagged at nearby Forster.
Ten-foot Great White responsible for attack
on surfer at Crescent Head, says Department of Primary
Industries
By Derek Rielly
If you surf on Australia's east coast, buy and
learn to use a tourniquet. Great Whites, protected in Australia
since 1999, ain't going anywhere.
Yesterday afternoon, and half an hour before sunset,
surfer Joe Hoffman was hit by what authorities have identified as a
ten-foot Great Whiteshark.
The shark bit Hoffman on the arm, and left a two-foot
crescent-shaped bite on his Outer Islands surfboard.
Hoffman paddled to the beach and was carried to a nearby park by
six surfers who used his legroom as a makeshift tourniquet.
Local surfer Josh Shorrick described Hoffman as being
“incredibly brave despite the pain”.
“We carried him to the BBQ area where ambos could reach him. Six
of us helped,” Shorrick told News Corp. “I hope he’s going to be
alright.”
To the surprise of nobody, least of all surfers, a NSW
Department of Primary Industry (DPI) spokeswoman confirmed the
shark was a ten-foot White.
“NSW DPI shark scientists have analysed photographs of the bite
and determined a White shark of approximately three metres in
length is likely responsible for the bite.”
After two decades of the Great White being protected, this is
the new reality of surfing on Australia’s east coast.
So buy and learn to use a tourniquet. Most, although certainly
not all, Great White hits are a bite-and-release taste test so once
the shark leaves, if you’re quick a life can be saved.
If you can get a tourniquet above the wound site, your buddy has
a good chance of living.
There’s an exception here.
If the shark takes off an entire leg or arm and there’s no
stump, well, even a combat medic can’t stop the bleeding.
But if there’s a stump, there’s a chance, a good chance. If you
act fast.
You carrying a tourniquet in your wetsuit? Or on the beach?
Before anything, before calling anyone, get it on, tight, a
couple of inches above the joint.
That’s it.
No tourniquet or it’s in the car?
Get a towel. Apply as much pressure as you can where the blood
is coming out. All that matters is stopping the blood.
A catastrophic attack and your buddy is going to lose
consciousness in three minutes; after five minutes the outcomes are
poor.
