"To make a statement like that is completely moronic and downright disrespectful."

Turmoil in surf fandom, today, after a respected and august surf journalist definitively declared that Hawaii’s Carissa Moore is now the greatest surfer of all-time surpassing Florida’s Kelly Slater. The interaction took place in the bizarre social media landscape of Facebook Messenger, as opposed to the more common Instagram Direct Message, seeing as the surf journalist Chas Smith’s account had been deactivated by Filipe Toledo’s father Ricardo Toledo and his many tears.

The enraged surf fan, using words of violence plus deadnaming, wrote, “Chaz Smith is an idiot. To suggest that Carissa Moore has eclipsed Kelly Slater as the greatest surfer of all time is absolutely absurd. I mean, maybe Chas is just a shit stirrer, but to make a statement like that is completely moronic and downright disrespectful. Kelly Slater is, and always will be the GOAT. No one has had a greater impact on the sport of surfing than Kelly Slater. I am professional journalist with a master’s degree in journalism. Chas Smith is a hack.”

Smith, reeling but also feeling history on his side, responded, “Kelly Slater doesn’t have a gold medal.”

Now altogether furious, the surf fan and master journalist leapt back, “That’s your answer? No he doesn’t. But that doesn’t make any of his accomplishments any less than they are. He’s the GOAT. End of story. Do you guys even surf? Or are you just another clickbait website for inclusion and the ninth-place ribbon mentality? Get the fuck outa here. You’re a joke.”

Smith, not understanding, re-iterated that Moore has won a gold medal, not a ninth-place ribbon, and Slater has not.

“You guys are fucking morons,” the final dagger from master journalist but the math is simple. 5 World Championships + 1 gold medal + graceful retirement > 11 World Championships – naming child.

Prove me wrong.

"I am now questioning everything I thought I knew about everything."

So there I was, this morning, casually scrolling my phone right around 7:30 when I stumbled on the otherwise innocuous headline “Lara Worthington shows off her incredible figure in a swimsuit as she goes surfing with husband Sam in Costa Rica.” Both names rang a distant bell but not enough to immediately pique interest and so I moved on to read about the Scandinavian sleep method that couples swear by.

Later, near 8:00, I came downstairs to make coffee and get BeachGrit’s day started, wondering what treats would be in store for you, dear reader, today. Perusing the various surf newses, I was, once again, presented with Lara Worthington’s incredible figure.

This time I clicked and my/our whole world came crashing down around me/us.

The piece thankfully led off with reference to Worthington being one of Australia’s most successful models, which allowed me to recall that she used to be Lara Bingle and I remembered her from the Oyster days, as I once wrote for that beautiful fashion magazine. She was, anyhow, spotted in Costa Rica, wearing a “form fitting one-piece,” finishing off her look with a pair of camo-print Crocs with her love, Sam, and presumably their three boys Rocket, Racer and River (take note, Kelly Slater).

Seeing the name Sam Worthington for the second time allowed me to recall him as the lead actor in the James Cameron franchise Avatar.

So there they were, in Costa Rica and, as promised in the headline, surfing. Or at least she was surfing on a yellowing 8-foot funboard. Typical rental fare. The first image of her smiling broadly while riding on her knees was directly next to an image of Sam, who appeared to be riding to shore on his belly. I zoomed in to try an suss out what sort of craft he was on but could not really see through the spray.

Deeper into the piece there were many more snaps of Lara laying on her board, carrying her board, smiling with surf friends…

…and then hammertown.

A photo of Sam zooming down the line all properly positioned etc. on a bodyboard.

Now, we’ve all seen celebrities playing on boogies in the shorebreak etc. but this was not that. The 48-year-old was clearly not just goofing around but serious and looked serious, arm cocked, leaning in, staring at a section to el rollo.

His ride, also, not rental fare, likely a custom and certainly brought from home.

World crashed.

Sam Worthington is a hardcore booger committed to the lifestyle.

I am now questioning everything I thought I knew about everything.

You probably should too.

A love story.

It’s a good thing this didn’t happen in Brazil, if you know what I mean, House Toledo shaken to its very core, but Hurricane Debby washed a reported $1.6 million United States dollars of cocaine on Florida’s shores after passing by the Sunshine State earlier this month. Surfers wiping noses and solving the world’s most intractable problems. The fourth named storm of the season was described as “erratic” by meteorologists and know we know why.

A “good Samaritan” alerted authorities after stumbling cocaine packages weighing about 70 pounds with an estimated street value of more than $1 million.

“We appreciate the help of Good Samaritans in our community who saw something unusual and contacted law enforcement,” Collier County Sheriff Kevin Rambosk declared.

Boaters found a further $625,000 USD of cocaine floating it the crystalline waters. They, too, turned their find over.

“Some smugglers intentionally drop bales of drugs wrapped in plastic or watertight containers into the sea at predetermined locations for later retrieval by other smugglers,” Brian Townsend, a retired supervisory special agent with the Drug Enforcement Administration, told the most trusted name in news. Weird currents from hurricanes can snatch the loot right up and spit it out in lineups.

Heady days.

But have you ever discovered a bale of cocaine, however small, while surfing?

What did you do with it?

Share, please.

While gathering your thoughts, the award-adjacent book Cocaine + Surfing is available once more after it, too, was nearly cancelled. Get while hot.