Hello Adriano de Slater!

Yesterday it was revealed, thanks to the glorious Papa of Surf Barton Lynch, that the world’s second greatest surfer Kelly Slater is refusing to name his newborn son. As reported by the venerable Derek Rielly, “We got a little boy and my friends think we’re playing a game with him, because we haven’t said the name. Because we actually, we don’t actually don’t call him anything. We gave him a name for his birth certificate, but, as of now, we don’t have a name to call him. So, we’re kind of just, like, letting him figure out what his personality is.”

But is this peak Kelly Slater?

The highest point the 57-year-old will ever reach?

A few things.

The boy isn’t called anything?

He has a name on his official document birth certificate that is not his name?

Onus on li’l fella to figure out what his personality is first before receiving the blessing of a marker?

The air very thin on Peak Kelly, so forgive, but doesn’t the 11x professional surfing champion owe Adriano de Souza a solid?

You certainly recall when Slater ripped the hard-working Brazilian’s 1st, and only, championship straight from him by debuting his wave tank less than 12 hours after the Li’l Plumber hoisted his cup?

All air, certainly, out of that room

In this nameless vacuum he created, can’t we, The People™, just step up and call the boy Adriano de Slater?

“de” the middle name, of course.

Fair, I think.

You?

Wild times in the upper crust.

But who would have seen sand pushing waves aside as the new precious commodity protected by the grumpiest of locals? First we were introduced to a Laguna Beach homeowner who roped off a section of sand in front of her house and shouted expletives at a mother and her young son for looking at it.

Now, up north in Malibu, we have the billionaire owner of baseball’s Milwaukee Brewers accused of stealing sand from the precious stretch of coastline.

Mark Attanasio, 66, is being sued by his neighbor for “operating enormous excavators in tidal zones, leaking oils and exposing local marine life to potentially hazardous byproducts.” And also “dragging sand from the beach onto his private property.”

The former New Yorker bought the property in 2007 for 23 million United States Dollars and, later, the empty lot next door for $6.6 million of the same.

Attanasio, for his part, declares he is merely repairing a damaged seawall on his property and has all the permits etc. in order.

Surf fans everywhere are, of course, following the case intently as high money stakes lawsuits between ludicrously rich men are broadly appealing. Whilst we wait for witnesses to be called, examined, cross examined etc. can we discuss which sand is more valuable?

Laguna Beach’s or Malibu’s?

Malibu’s land is certainly worth more, but I’m talking the powdered rock itself. Malibu’s feels a little fake to me. Laguna’s a little too gritty.

What are your thoughts?

"I don't know why I said there were rules. Maybe I was drinking."

Now, tales of the Southern California gang Bay Boys have long been shared by surfers to their children as horrifying bedtime stories in order to keep young charges on edge and alert. “Be careful tonight, li’l Koa, or the Bay Boys will come through your windows, build a makeshift fort in your room and tell you to ‘scrub it.'”

The notorious association guarding Palos Verdes’ Lunada Bay have long been in the news but, more recently, brought to trial for being dangerous and lewd. Various witnesses describing levels of vicious intimidation rarely seen outside of the Amazon jungle. Exposing genitalia, for instance, when changing out of wetsuits or throwing rocks near to people.

One case, currently winding through the courts, though is quickly unraveling and with it the Bay Boys’ reputation as more dangerous than MS13. Two Bay Boys were examined during the civil proceedings. First, Sang Lee how had been busted for sending a rambling email to other Bay Boys in which he called himself a pirate and said he would “die by these rules.”

The honorable plaintiffs attorney Vic Otten asked him, “Is it true that you believe Lunada Bay belongs to you and a select group of people?” Lee responded, “No, I don’t think so. It has a special place in my heart. We try to clean up the area…” then said the wave was not “world-class” merely “better than average.”

Next, Otten asked him about the “rules.” Lee answered, “What are the rules? There’s no rules. I don’t know why I said that…” before adding “I don’t know, maybe I was drinking.”

In regards to the “pirate” reference, Lee replied he called himself one because, “I kind of like pirates.”

When plaintiff Thomas Long was called, he admitted under cross examination that he was simply told the “things he was doing were not inconsistent with surfing etiquette” and that he’d never been threatened or subjected to violence.

The judge, Honorable Lawrence Riff, became visibly frustrated when told there were 17 victims waiting to share their stories of woe, sighing, “It will be unduly cumulative, and will be an undue consumption of time.” He then said settling the case would be best for everyone.

According to the plaintiff’s second attorney, Mr. Franklin, their clients don’t want money but rather “want the city to install a panoply of improvements to encourage public access: signs welcoming visitors and pointing them toward available parking, upgrades to the steep and rocky ‘goat trail’ leading down to the beach making it easier to descend, a blufftop sea telescope, as well as seating, water fountains bike racks and railing all along the blufftop.”

Sounds fun.

More as the story develops.