Waterman of the Year Nathan Florence almost killed in “extremely violent” South American wipe-out.

“Am I confused or did he not pop up?”

În a terrifyingly frank confession just released, Nathan Florence, Dirk and Natasha Ziff’s successor as Waterman of the Year as determined by the good burghers of the Surf Industry Manufacturers Association, has admitted he nearly died in Brazil after attempting to surf a wave almost seventeen storeys high and breaking in three feet of water.

A wave that kills for malice and for sport.

The usually low-key Florence, who is a thirty-year-old Gemini and married to the daughter of Hawaiian muscle god Kai Garcia aka Kaiborg, described the wipeout as “extremely violent. It was one of those waves when you realise you’re falling and you’re worried about what’s about to happen. I got really lucky. Had I slammed the rocks in front of the wave, had I slammed into those and then got pulled over into the other rocks, it would’ve been game over. Just the speed I was travelling underwater.”

As unflappable, or as nihilistic, as ever, Nathan Florence added brightly, “But I didn’t! So I got really fortunate! And now I think the plan is to do some paddling today.”

Yesterday I wrote that Nathan Florence had “conquered” the Shock Slab, near Rio, but in truth, the wave nearly conquered him. (Watch wipeout and back story here.)

Today, in part two, which includes Florence’s near-death story, he throws himself back into the fray, this time paddling the joint. Also in the mix is the Italian Niccolo Porcella whom you may remember from a terrific wipeout at Teahupoo a while back. When he attempts the same manoeuvre at the Shock Slab, he is gone for many seconds.

“Am I confused or did he not pop up?” says Nathan Florence’s wife Mahina.

It’s a video that will take a hammerlock on your emotions.

Powerful and undeniably essential.

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Tulsi Gabbard (pictured in orange) as a The Inertia darling.
Tulsi Gabbard (pictured in orange) as a The Inertia darling.

Ultra-progressive surf publication smashes panic button after one-time darling Tulsi Gabbard endorses Trump for prez!

"We as Americans must stand together to reject this anti-freedom culture of political retaliation and abuse of power."

Oh to be The Inertia, to know that every position taken is the right one, or rather the left one, but profoundly correct. After basing itself on the sloppily liberal Huffington Post, founder Zach Weisberg has continued the brave tradition of pearl-clutching outrage, progressive tail wagging and never, not ever, entertaining the dark side.

You can imagine the horror in the “definitive voice of surf” home offices today after one-time darling Tulsi Gabbard officially endorsed Donald J. Trump for president.

The former Democratic representative from the State of Hawaii was instantly embraced by The Inertia as the “surfing congresswoman who could actually save our environment” and invited as keynote speaker of the soy-heavy EVOLVE summit that promised to “unite the brightest minds in surf and outdoors.”

Gabbard capped off an certainly incredibly weekend, back in 2018, featuring Selema Masekela, the aforementioned Weisberg and the WSL’s Reece Pacheco.

Interns busily scrubbing the internet, then, after Gabbard grabbed the mic at the National Guard conference, today, to declare, “We as Americans must stand together to reject this anti-freedom culture of political retaliation and abuse of power. We can’t allow our country to be destroyed by politicians who will put their own power ahead of the interests of the American people, our freedom, and our future. I am proud to stand here before you today, whether you’re a Democrat, a Republican or an Independent. If you love our country, as I do, if you cherish peace and freedom as we do, I invite you to join me in doing all that we can to save our country and elect President Donald J. Trump and send him back to the White House to do the tough work of saving our country and serving the people.”

Zach Weisberg currently in the fetal position in his home office.

Asking his little statue of Jimmy Kimmel where it all went wrong.

More as the story develops.

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Open Thread: Comment Live on Rip Curl Padang Padang Cup Finals Day!

Indonesia vs. the world.

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Occy (pictured) back when surfers were as hot as chicken grease.
Occy (pictured) back when surfers were as hot as chicken grease.

Wildly popular Australian radio host posts thirst trap of young surf stud Mark Occhilupo

"The good 'ol Gold Coast days when I was into surfer boys!!"

The main question exploding over the surf world, in the wake of Jennifer Lopez becoming freshly single, is have surfers lost our sexy? There was a time, not terribly long ago, when the likes of Kelly Slater, Joel Parkinson, Julian Wilson and Jordy Smith moonlit as pin-ups, Teen Beat pictorials lovingly clipped out and mounted on wall. Surfers regularly toped firemen and boy banders as “must-have arm candy” for any woman in the know.

Alas, neither highly eligible Griffin Colapinto nor Gabriel Medina were even given silly odds to win Lopez’s hand.

And as if to rub the cratered appeal right in, Australia’s wildly popular radio host Jackie O has just published a thirst trap photo of a young Mark Occhilupo to her much-trafficked Instagram account.

O, whose last name is Henderson and described as a “Sydney socialite that has been married twice and shares a teenage daughter with her second husband who she split from in October 2018,” is the voice of Australian morning radio, recently signing a $100 million AUD deal to continue delighting commuters on the way to their various prisons.

Now, 49, the host shared the photo of Occy with, penning, “Going through some pics for my memoirs!! The good ‘ol Gold Coast days when I was into surfer boys!!”

Photo: jackieo_official Instagram
Photo: jackieo_official Instagram

The august Daily Mail, sizing up Henderson and Occhilupo’s looks, declared, “With a simple chain around her neck, Jackie looked completely fresh faced without a lick of makeup in sight as the pair appeared to be standing in a very windy location. Meanwhile, Occy rocked his usual long sandy locks along with a bright pink jumper which made him stand out in the photo.”

Surfers, though, not fully able to appreciate Occ’s sartorial win as the phrase “…when I was into surfer boys…” echoing painfully.

Good ol’ days …when…

…when…

…when…

Light a candle today, please, for surfer heartthrob stock.

Julian Wilson can’t come back fast enough.

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Transgender campaigner who led fight against Rip Curl’s ghosting of surfer Sasha Jane Lowerson wins $10,000 in new court case

Trans-gal banned for not looking "sufficiently female" wins stunning victory!

The brave transgender campaigner Roxy Tickle, she with the curly black hair and smoky blue of eye, has won ten thousand Australian dollars in a landmark case that hopes to spring open previously shut doors to T-Girls all over the country. 

Roxy Tickle, who is fifty-four and blossomed into womanhood in 2017, sharing the journey with her myriad followers, was removed from an app called Giggle for Girls, an online safe space for women to interact with each other “because she did not look sufficiently female” according to Justice Robert Bromwich, who ruled in her favour.

Tickle sued for two-hundred gees and won ten.  She hoped the victory was “healing for trans and gender diverse people.

“Mostly I get to just live my life and be who I am. But a small group of people have taken it upon themselves to declare that I am not who I know I am and they have set about making my life miserable.

“This case and the unlawful and discriminatory exclusion from the Giggle app has stolen the last three years of my life. I have been targeted by hateful online commentary and degrading merchandise designed to ridicule and mock me.

‘The ruling shows that all women are protected from discrimination. I brought my case to show trans people that you can be brave, and you can stand up for yourself. I know that I can now get on with the rest of my life and have a coffee down the road with my friends, play hockey with my team and put this horribleness behind me.”

Back in February, after Rip Curl celebrated trans-surfer Sasha Jane Lowerson in a post only to delete it when they got a little pushback from transphobic bigots, Tickle used her platform to shame the company as “cowards”. 

In another post, Tickle used a picture of trans German songstress Kim Petras to prove the point that sex is as fluid as the juices that sluice from our sex works.

“Apparently some people are referring to Kim Petras as a man. Shoulda gone to Specsavers.”

A very good point!

 

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