John John Florence wins third world title
The Big American with the even bigger ass, John John Florence, and the third world title cup that signalled the end of almost a decade of Brazilian dominance.

John John Florence world title signals end of Brazilian Storm’s “peak kook style”

Pretty surfing is back!

A recent article called ‘The Style Renaissance’ by our collective pal Steve Shearer (Longtom) suggests that style in surfing is better than ever.

Well researched, it makes one of few references in our surf media to Brazilian surf journalism. Wrapping up the 2024 season, the article considers that CT surfing is – at last – valuing style again. So what to make the development of competition surfing over the last decade?

Since Medina’s first title in 2014, the reverence for style amongst Australian, Hawaiian and Californian surfers (call them Colonialists) far exceeds everything that the Brazilian Storm brought in victories and egregious behaviours. It began in sharp contrast between peak-Colonialism – honed by the highly evolved Coolie Kid and Andy eras – clashing with early-Storm behaviour verging on kook.

The overly energetic upstarts came in with disregard to otherwise absurdities in the culture. There was disdain to years of perfecting a figure-8 cuttie, sticker placement, wetsuit colours. There was claiming. Lots of pumping. One manoeuvre waves. There was noise. It was small wave performance over charging large, hollow waves. It was all win at the cost of style. It changed the CT.

But Colonial style is collective subjectivity, not quantifiable to the uneducated eye and with mystic gatekeepers. It is a peculiar pursuit of surfers mainly around the edges of the Pacific in Australia, Hawaii and California. It is often regional, heralded by the likes of the Surfcore Instagram account, local tilers, Margo, Rasta. And style is historic: Andy Irons, Curren with his Curren-isms, MP. Entry into the style club comes with difficulties, is complex and layered.

Throughout Brazilian title years, Colonialists held onto style as the bastion of superiority over the South Americans’ uprising. When style wasn’t scored on the CT, surfers complained and quit the tour, deeming that they wouldn’t compete unless on their own terms. Titles rain down for Brazilian surfers. The reaction from both sides was to defame. Chat rooms lit up. The term ‘Brazzos’ lurks next to death threats among tones that are cringeworthy at best, deeply troubling at worst.

While women’s surfing on the CT has been a safe place for Colonialists, on the men’s side the uprising is in plain sight. Seven Brazilian titles and three to John. Yet plenty of shade is thrown and the proverbial ‘asterisks’ are noted below.

2014, Gabriel Medina: He rips, he charges (Tahiti, 18.96 v 18.93 (Kelly), but he cried losing to Julian in Portugal. His boards were a bit wide and a bit flat with neon sprays. Charlie and mum on the beach. There was too much emotion and not enough graciousness in the back story.

2015, Adriano de Souza: Plenty to love in the backstory but we called him the Li’l plumber. He was an early victim of peak-Kelly and never recovered in Colonial eyes from comments about his wide stance.

2016, John: Expectation.

2017, John: Hope.

2018, Medina: Should have been Julian’s year. It was peak-Charlie. On the one hand we had Ross Williams and Tommy Whits, then there was Charlie.

2019, Ferreira: It was a power vacuum with the first year in forever without Parko and Fanning. John busts his knee with two wins and a third after four events. There was some Colonialist softening after Italo’s victory over Medina at Pipe on the final day, which was ruined by excessive Storm scenes on the beach.

2020, COVID.

2021, Medina: wins at Trestles. It is the first year without Charlie but Yasmin is there. Parko and Fanning had been creating some positive noise about Medina, but the Colonial jury was still out. This is pre-divorce era Medina, pre-mental-breakdown and recovery-in-the-jungle Medina. John was injured again and WTF-are-we-doing-deciding-the-title-at-Trestles, it’s a half asterisk.

2022, Toledo: Wins at Trestles. Where to start on performances in Tahiti and in hollow waves?

2023, Toledo: See 2022.

2024, John: Relief.

While John’s title came to the joy of pure Colonialists, the comments section in the final five broadcast was divided – there were those that thought his numbers were being pumped up by the Colonialist Illuminati. However had Italo won, it would have been another asterisk-title for the Brazilians. The flapping and hopping, the single manoeuvre waves, the Red Bulls, victory decided by Trestles, the system, it would go on.

So with John’s title against the thrilling run by Italo, the Brazilian Storm era as we have known it over the last decade surely closes. Italo’s style is one of the outliers amongst his compatriots and most tour surfers. Ethan Ewing, Griff, Jack and John occupy the top of the CT.

Brazilian style is maturing and with that their assimilation into the domains of the Pacific style-lords and the end of the Brazilian Storm as we have known it for the last 10 years.

As the final five decider moves to Fiji in 2025 and assuming they get pumping Cloudbreak in September, the consequential nature of the contest creates a title without asterisk, regardless of their nationality.

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Kelly Slater and his Abu Dhabi wave tank set to make history.
Kelly Slater and his Abu Dhabi wave tank set to make history.

Kelly Slater to make history as proud Middle Eastern monarchy hosts first-ever professional surfing event!

Wild days in the desert.

Bells are certainly chiming throughout the United Arab Emirates, this morning, as the calendar flips to exactly one week until the capital of the proud monarchy hosts its first-ever surf event. The Abu Dhabi Longboard Classic. Stop number three on the World Surf League’s 2024 Longboard tour. Stop number first, ever, for the UAE and all thanks to Kelly Slater.

The world’s greatest surfer dreamed big dreams, long ago, and conjured a wave pool technology so magnificent, so powerful and growling, that it simply had to find a home in a Middle East petrostate.

Enter the Emirates.

Slater built the pool, the largest man-made surf facility in the world which will, officially, open to the public in October but first host the Classic, which will feature 48 male and female cross-steppers and kicking off Sept. 27th.

The question on every professional longboard fan’s mind. Will regional Australian champion Sasha Jane Lowerson make the trip then don a singlet further making history?

You will certainly recall, last year, when the strawberry blonde, 45, became the first ever to win an event as a male, Ryan Egan, before transitioning to Lowerson. Her journey has been much covered by international news outlets making her the only professional longboarder, ever, to receive such attention.

It would be a boon but the history-making event might just be enough in and of itself.

The other question on every surf fan’s mind, I suppose. Will Slater himself be in attendance and will he bring his unnamed son in order to witness the moment?

Would be cool if he did.

Entry to the Longboard Classic is, any any case, free so if you are in the region and want to participate in watching, have right at it.

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Point Dume Club Malibu and Stephanie Gilmore.
Pretty ol trailer park in Point Dume, Malibu, and, inset, famous resident Stephanie Gilmore.

Sprawling Point Dume Malibu trailer park adjacent to Stephanie Gilmore rental sells for $200 million!

Home to world's highest concentration of millionaire-billionaire VALS!

A sprawling ninety-five acre spread at Point Dome, Malibu, or Point Douche if you ain’t into millionaire/billionaire VALS being gently massaged into the harmless rollers by their surf coaches, has changed hands for the first time since 1892 for around two-hundred mill. 

The Point Dume Club of Malibu, which has two hundred mobile homes ranging from two-to-five mill, although that cash only buys the joint and not the land, y’still gotta rent that from the Club’s owner, sold to one of the US’s largest owners of manufactured housing communities.

“We’re excited to add Pointe Dume to our family of communities in California,” Chicago-based Hometown America Communities, who operate eighty trailer parks, said in a statement. “Point Dume is a beautiful property, and we intend to manage it in the same manner as the prior owners, honor current leases, and comply with all local regulations. Hometown is a long-term investor, and we value the long-range viability of the market and our communities.”

Now, two hundred mill is cheap for almost one hundred acres of prime Port Dume dirt and sand and if you could bulldoze the trailer homes and build some real fancy joints, the sort you might see Jonah or Pammy strolling around in, well, think over one billion dollars. 

The Point Dume Club is one of two trailer parks in Malibu, the other the very famous Paradise Cove, which is  home to equality-in-surfing activist Minnie Driver, who keeps a little joint there painted mint green, Pamela Anderson, who dated the park’s electrician, and surf journalist Sam George.

As you’d expect, Paradise Cove has since been gobbled up, mostly, by actors, directors, LA’s monied set, although the occasional pauper like Sammy George squeezes his still pretty self into the milieu.

Built in the nineteen-fifties on eighty-five acres of classic Californian beachfront land, Paradise Cove became the go-to for ocean-lovers who wanted affordable seclusion amid the craziness of Los Angeles.

And Point Dume is also where Stephanie Gilmore keeps, or kept, a gorgeous rental, a million miles from the sad hopelessness of Tweed Heaand which was visited by Nowness for one of their pretty videos some years back.

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Bolinas surfer
Core lords and ladies up in Bolinas, near San Francisco, have pounced on a devil's bargain allowing them to forgo crowds by surfing in sewage.

San Francisco surfers paddle out in sewage spill to avoid horde!

A devil's bargain if there ever was one.

As any surfer knows, it has become very difficult to surf without hordes of VALs, blow-ins, transplants etc. utterly clogging heretofore manageable lineups. What used to be ten surfers enjoying a dawn patrol has ballooned to fifty or sixty and not just fifty or sixty on modern performance shortboards but fifty or sixty on fifteen foot gliders.

Surfing in the apocalypse.

You can understand, then, how core lords and ladies up in Bolinas, near San Francisco, have pounced on a devil’s bargain allowing them to forgo crowds by surfing in sewage.

According to The San Francisco Standard, “Marin County officials were alerted to the issue when a permit inspection revealed sewage leaking along a bluffside property. A subsequent investigation and E. coli testing revealed ‘at least a few dozen’ locations across a 1.5-mile stretch where sewage was flowing onto the beach at a rapid clip, according to Sarah Jones, director of the Marin County Community Development Agency, which handles environmental health services.”

Grumpy locals reading and licking lips.

Mickey Murch, described as a second-generation farmer and Bolinas surfer, told the paper, “I really don’t know much about this except that the surf is nice and empty. I go in the water even during the biggest storms in the winter, when people’s septic systems are overflowing, so maybe I have a good immune system. I’m a nonbeliever.”

Others, standing nearby, nodding along but also holding fingers to lips, not wanting the secret to get out.

Residents are, of course, frustrated by the environmental breakdown but beggars can’t be choosers, these days. An empty wave even filled with poo worth much more than it was five or six years ago.

Over to you, now. Would you, like ol’ Mickey Murch, brave your immune system and paddle or fear the diarrhea?

More importantly, what would Kelly Slater do?

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Kelly Slater and Terence Crawford and Kendrick Lamar.
The real Kendrick, main photo, and inset, Kelly Slater and Tez Crawford at UFC Noche.

Kelly Slater embroiled in UFC all-black-men-look-alike controversy in Las Vegas

“Kendrick Lamar must’ve gotten surgery!”

The greatest surfer of all time, Kelly Slater, is again in the news after he inadvertently became involved in the UFCs latest controversy when the far right sports outfit incorrectly identified champion boxer Terence Crawford as Pulitzer Prize-winning rapper Kendrick Lamar. 

As the camera panned across the celebs in the ringside seats at UFC Noche, held at the Sphere in Las Vegas, all in their ten-thousand dollar seats to watch a little Georgian wrestler maul a beloved American world champion, Crawford, seated next to Saudi boxing promotor Turki Alalsheikh, was labelled Kendrick Lamar. 

Terence Crawford and Kelly Slater at UFC Noche.
Kelly Slater and Terence Crawford at UFC Noche. Slater can be seen in the background delighted by mis-ID of boxing champ.

A social media storm soon followed with Crawford admitting, “I just wasn’t taking any notice of it, and then I started seeing the pictures on my phone and everyone laughing.”

Crawford even claimed the mis-ID was deliberate. 

“To be honest, I think it was intentionally done. Just for laughters, because how can you get us mixed up? But all in all, it was funny to me.”

UFC head Dana White responded with, “He did kind of look like Kendrick Lamar, though let’s not fuck around, he did kind of look like Kendrick Lamar!”

There are some striking similarities.

Both men are thirty-seven, both are short as hell, five six (Kendrick) and five eight, both have strong jawlines and both, typically, have short hair and facial hair. And, as noted on Twitter, “They both have a similar skin tone, which might be described as dark brown, reflecting their African American heritage.”

Kelly Slater, one row back, wasn’t as easily fooled, “Kendrick Lamar must’ve gotten surgery!” wrote the champ.

It was an eventful night for Slater.

Shortly before entering the Sphere with crawling-to-balling health food superstar Khalil Rafati  he threw pollsters a wild ol curveball by posing with Trump advisor Tulsi Gabbard outside Rafati’s world famous Sun Life Organics, prompting the estimated ten million middle-aged surfer demographic in the US to discard Harris and Walz and pair up behind the Trump-Gabbard ticket.

Heady days. Like 1968 etc. 

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