Kelly Slater’s least favorite wave replaced by his new Abu Dhabi surf tank on just-released WSL Championship Tour schedule

The most fossil fuel hungry tour ever!

The fabled second jewel of surfing’s Triple Crown has been erased from the World Surf League Championship Tour for the upcoming 2025 season. Sunset Beach, there on Oahu’s North Shore, no more. It is being replaced by Kelly Slater’s sparkling Abu Dhabi surf tank leading surf thinkers to wonder if, perhaps, the greatest competitive surfer of all time wanted to stab his least favorite wave in the heart as he is forced into retirement.

Slater’s disdain for Sunset very public over the years.

The tour will begin at Pipeline before burning excessive jet fuel to fly all the way to the United Arab Emirates. From there, it will fly halfway around the world, again, to Portugal followed by more jet fuel to El Salvador, even more to Bells, where it will finally conserve energy by plunking down for Snapper and Margaret. After the cut, Lowers, Saquarema, J-Bay, Teahupo’o will close out the regular calendar, with Finals Day being hosted at Cloudbreak.

In other words:

Stop No. 1 – Banzai Pipeline, Hawaii, USA: January 27 – February 8
Stop No. 2 – Surf Abu Dhabi, Abu Dhabi, UAE: February 14 – 16
Stop No. 3 – Peniche, Portugal: March 15 – 25
Stop No. 4 – Punta Roca, El Salvador: April 2 – 12
Stop No. 5 – Bells Beach, Victoria, Australia: April 18 – 28
Stop No. 6 – Snapper Rocks, Queensland, Australia: May 3 – 13
Stop No. 7 – Margaret River, Western Australia, Australia: May 17 – 27*
Stop No. 8 – Lower Trestles, San Clemente, Calif., USA: June 9 – 17
Stop No. 9 – Saquarema, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: June 21 – 29
Stop No. 10 – Jeffreys Bay, South Africa: July 11 – 20
Stop No. 11 – Teahupo’o, Tahiti, French Polynesia: August 7 – 16**
Stop No. 12 – WSL Finals – Cloudbreak, Fiji: August 27 – September 4

Or for the semi-illiterate:

Certainly the most gas-gobbling tour ever.

Coincidence?

The World Surf League’s media-shy CEO declared, “We’ve built this schedule to include more events and feature a variety of breaks. We’ve brought back some of the Tour’s most desirable locations, while aligning dates with favorable swell windows, to open up more opportunity for quality surf. We’ll see a great mix of locations from heavy-water barrels, to high-performance waves, and pristine point breaks. It’ll be an exciting showcase of the world’s best surfing featuring the incredible CT talent. We can’t wait to kick off in January 2025. See you at Pipe.”

Thoughts?

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Surfers (pictured) defying good sense. Photo: NBC News
Surfers (pictured) defying good sense. Photo: NBC News

News reporter perplexed and dismayed as surfers defy good sense to shred Milton ahead of hurricane’s landfall

"Here we have another former Cat 5 that's going to be a Cat 3 at landfall, and the storm surge is baked in."

The potentially very devastating Hurricane Milton made landfall overnight as a Category 3 storm on Florida’s central west coast. Siesta Key, its first point of contact, reported sustained winds of 120 mph, though it shrunk to a Category 1 as it moved east across the state. Power is out for much of the region and those living in the Tampa area have been ordered to shelter in place as “extremely dangerous conditions” are percolating outside.

Jeff Masters, a scientist who formerly worked with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s hurricane hunters, warned CBS News, “Some of the biggest catastrophes in hurricane history were from weakening storms. Katrina was weakening as it was approaching the shore and it caused $190 billion in damage. It was a Cat 3 at landfall and it was formerly a Cat 5. Well, here we have another former Cat 5 that’s going to be a Cat 3 at landfall, and the storm surge is baked in.”

Wild tornados whipped the area before Milton reached the shore further terrifying beleaguered Floridians but none of that stopped two intrepid surfers from paddling out near Naples, right in the storm’s path. A reporter, who happened to be posted on the very same beach, approached the rippers and perplexedly asked what they were on about. They responded that it was typical for them to sample tasty waves before hurricane landfalls. The reporter wrinkled her brow and wondered if they were worried about lightning strikes and aforementioned twisters. They declared they were not. She then wanted to catch them in a “gotcha moment,” asking if they were going to defy orders to leave. They responded that they would defy lifeguard orders but not those of the police.

The reporter shook her head in abject confusion.

Surfers, man. What weirdos.

Watch the exchange here.

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Mercurial surf god Bruce Irons makes surprise cameo alongside Koa Rothman in epic Indonesian surf

"That was the first barrel I got in a year!"

Six months ago, the Kauai-born surfer Bruce Irons, the best surfer in the world in 2005 if you asked anybody who was there, made a rare public appearance from a psychedelic assisted rehab joint in Cancun, Mexico, called Beond where he delivered a profoundly sad confessional. 

“My name is Bruce Irons. I’m a 44 year old professional surfer. My brother was world champion He’s the baddest motherfucker that ever lived and I’m doing this for him and all my other fallen brothers and fucking friends who died,” said Bruce in part.

He was a little heavier and jowlier, his hair longer and darker than when he owned surf media in the early 2000’s, but that deep-seated cool, his mama Danielle once described Bruce as a stealth bomber, was firmly in place.

I remember picking Bruce up from the airport in Tenerife many years ago, a few months before his big bro died as it happened, and being terrifically impressed by the thickness of his arms and the way his hair remained upright despite no apparent powders, wax or gel.

Later that night he described the fight he had with his brother after his Eddie win in 2004. 

“That was a typical fucking fight. Him saying some stupid things he shouldn’t be saying to certain people and I was not happy with it. This was in the daytime. And, I was screaming shit at him. Everything you could think of to get him to come out of the house to fucking attack me. And, I said the perfect things and he came flying out and fucking tried to karate kick me. He kinda got me and then we started swinging… some guys grabbing me…  and then he got me a couple of times and gave me a black eye and a bloody lip. I think I barely got him. But, fuck, that was a good reason I won the Eddie because I had so much rage in-fucking-side of me. And, I don’t want to use the word hate, but I was very, very upset with him. He was in the heat before me and it was the pulse of the contest and he was…  it was 25 feet…  and he was getting big waves, probably the biggest waves of his life and I was just…  screaming…  paddling out, looking at the sky yelling…  YOU CANNOT!…  because he has won everything. I was, like, he’s not going to win THE FUCKING EDDIE AIKAU! I fucking wanted it really badly. Winning the Eddie Aikau, that contest, I think it picks a person. There’s so much energy in that thing. The winner is already set in stone. It might’ve been for someone else that year, but I wanted it so bad I took that energy, I got those waves, the biggest waves of my life, and, you know… I won. And, a big part of it was how I was feeling. The depth of feeling inside me. Everything was in fucking fifth gear.”

Classic Bruce, although anything Bruce does falls under the banner classic.

Or wild.

Or uh-oh.

In this video from Jewish-Hawaiian vlogger Koa Rothman Bruce makes a surprise and much appreciated cameo, enjoying step-offs at an Indonesian slab. He only gets a handful of waves but the pleasure of seeing the familiar curved back and White Dudes for Kamala bent front wrist is indescribable.

“That was the first barrel I got in a year!” says Bruce, who collects his fill at the four minute and thirty seconds mark of the video, adding. “It’s just the beginning.”

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Evergreen Ace Buchan (pictured) with Vegemite. Photo: Facebook
Evergreen Ace Buchan (pictured) with Vegemite. Photo: Facebook

Universally adored Adrian “Ace” Buchan toast of surf world after winning prestigious BBC award!

For he's a jolly good fellow!

There are very very few universally adored surfers in this world, only two, in fact, that I can conjure right off the top of my head. 1) Carissa Moore. 2) Adrian “Ace” Buchan. That 42-year-old screw foot exploded onto the scene way back in 1984 and enjoyed a very fruitful career on the World Surf League nee Association of Surfing Professionals. Buchan won two Championship Tour victories, the first in France circa 2008, the second at Teahupo’o around 2013. He bested the world’s greatest, though not universally adored, surfer Kelly Slater both times.

The aforementioned “home of surfing” declares Avoca Beach’s finest “regularly quotes Shakespeare on Instagram” and “with the timeless appeal of his surfing, it certainly wouldn’t be a surprise to see him go higher.”

Extremely prophetic, regarding the higher bit, as minutes ago, Buchan was awarded with the extremely prestigious BBC Evergreen Athlete of the Year award.

“A professional surfer and passionate climate advocate, Buchan has played a significant role in environmental activism,” Auntie declared, continuing, “The 42-year-old was a founding board member of an Australian charity that is dedicated to combating climate change and empowering and educating surfers. He is also an ambassador for a non-profit organisation working on climate-crisis mitigation, coastal and marine conservation, and addressing plastic pollution, while advocating for a charity aimed at reducing plastic pollution.”

Ace, as humble as he is evergreen, simply said, “It is an absolute honour. I’m absolutely thrilled to receive the Evergreen Athlete award from the BBC. It means a great deal to be recognised away from the sporting field. It’s huge to be recognised from across the world and I am super excited to keep driving positive change.”

Huzzahs all around.

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Only a surfer knows the feeling.
Only a surfer knows the feeling.

Biggest surf brand in the world acquires company that made “the original hoodie” for staggering $1.2 billion

"It's a brave new surf industry."

Sport season is in full flare, in North America, with professional baseball, college football, professional women’s basketball and professional football fans losing minds daily. Baseball is in its playoffs, as is the WNBA. College and pro football are still early in the season but late enough for major upsets and big-time coach firings to have roiled. Sports fans going absolutely bonkers.

Surf fans left bereft.

While its easy enough, and sometimes enjoyable, to follow along with the World Surf League’s Championship Tour, it is genuinely difficult to be passionate about it. John Florence, Ethan Ewing, Gabe Medina and Caitlin Simmers are all fine to watch but nobody, other than their family members, care if they win or lose a heat. Cheering professional surfing is like cheering bird watchers though maybe slightly lower stakes.

Until now.

For, hours ago the world’s largest surf brand acquired a historical sporting giant for an eye-watering $1.2 billion and might the move inject some much-needed rah, rah, sis, boom, bah into our passive sport of kings?

Yes, Authentic Brands Group, owner of Quiksilver, Billabong, Roxy, RVCA, Von Zipper and maybe more has come to agreement with with Hanes underwear to acquire Champion. The company, which began its life in 1919 as the “Knickerbocker Knitting Company” made uniforms for teams such as the mighty Michigan Wolverines. It changed its name to “Champion Knitting Mills” in 1930 and proceeded to invent the hooded sweatshirt. It was sold to cake company Sara Lee in 1989 then later the aforementioned underwear giant before turning surf.

Jamie Salter, Authentic Brands CEO declared, “We are excited to acquire Champion, a brand that shares our pioneering spirit. Over the last few years, the addition of new brands together with the expansion of live events has grown Authentic into a world leading sports and entertainment licensing company. Bringing Champion into the fold further expands our position in this space.”

Only a surfer knows the feeling.
Only a surfer knows the feeling.

Extremely cool and maybe finally surf fans will be able to purchase jerseys they can be proud of instead of this.

As synergy would have it, David Lee Scales (no relation to Sara Lee) discussed fandom on the just-dropped episode of Noble Rot. I enjoy my baseballs and footballs etc. David Lee does not but I encouraged him to embrace a new sort of fandom. Being wildly overenthusiastic about products.

I, for instance, am a massive, major, no. 1 supporter of Hostess fruit pies. Cherry and lemon are my favorite and I would dress in Hostess fruit pie t-shirts and caps everyday, if they made them. I am also a huge backer of french onion dip and, not so secretly anymore, Outerknown. Which goods, beverages or foodstuffs do you loudly and proudly back?

You can listen to the episode here while you are thinking.

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