Just like that, Surfline Man’s dreams of super swank surf industry insider life evaporated like that big swell on the Surfline forecast…
When we last saw him, Surfline Man stood in his garage, staring into the void and imagining his new life as the editor of Surfer Magazine. Alas, the path to dream jobs never did run smooth. His stupid fin box still needs organizing and he is not even the editor of Surfer Magazine right now.
What the heck? Why can’t anything go right? Surfline Man is so dang frustrated.
Surfline Man should know so much better than to trust the evil Trey, who decided that he didn’t need a super expert surfer to run the magazine. Instead, Trey is doing it himself with the help of a bunch of dumb robots. Just like that, Surfline Man’s fabulous dreams of super swank surf industry insider life evaporated like that big swell on the Surfline forecast last week.
No job, no swell. Surfline Man needs a vacation.
That’s it! Surfline Man is so totally going on a surf trip. Where should he go? Surfline Man looks up at the world map hanging on his wall and suddenly feels a little dizzy. There are so many places to go surfing in the world. Surfline Man needs help and he needs it so fast.
Google understands. Google knows what it’s like to need help. What’s the best place for a surf trip? A Travel and Leisure link shows up at the top of the list. Surfline Man feels totally confident taking their recommendation. The top hit on Google is always the best one!
Hossegor is the best surf destination in the world. Surfline Man is not about to argue with this assertion. Surfline Man is not actually sure where Hossegor is, but he is definitely going there.
Surfline Man figures out super fast that Hossegor is in France. Also, they speak French there. This feels inconvenient. Why can’t the best surf destination in the world speak English like everyone else? Whatever. It’s fine. Surfline Man can totally learn French.
Surfline Man downloads Duolingo to get ready for his awesome trip to Hossegor. He’s not sure why he needs to know the words for cow and farmer, but you never know what a guy might need to say on a surf trip. He might need to buy a cow for important surf trip reasons. It’s good to be prepared for everything.
Even without advanced French talking skills, Surfline Man feels confident he can find the beach. Surfing is the universal language, baby!
After watching like ten Youtube video demonstrations to get it just right, Surfline Man packs his boardbag super perfect. Boards, wetsuits, leash, an extra leash, so many fins — he’s got it all. His boards look so cozy in his new Florence board bag. Surfline Man almost wishes he could climb in there with them. Surfboards, they really are his favorite thing in the whole world.
Surfline Man got a little lost at LAX, but he made it to his flight on time. Now he has so many hours to relax and viola! He will be in France.
Did he say that right? He’s so certain he said that right. Surfline Man can’t wait to try out his awesome French on the locals. They’re totally going to love him.
When Surfline Man wakes up, he’s already in Bilbao, which isn’t exactly France, but it’s really close. The plane ticket was cheaper, and it’s way more adventurous to go to two different countries on his surf trip.
There’s just one problem. His precious boardbag that he packed so perfectly is nowhere to be seen. All his favorite surfboards, his wetsuits, his surf wax, and everything — they are not waiting for him in Bilbao.
The airport people keep talking to him in Spanish and Surfline Man did not learn Spanish! He did not think he would have to talk to anyone in Spanish. Eventually, Surfline Man is forced to face the facts. His boardbag is not here. It is somewhere! But it’s definitely not here.
This adventure thing isn’t easy, but surely, the best destination for surfing in the world will have a surf shop. Surfline Man loves surfboards, so buying another one will be so much fun! Really, he should have thought of this idea from the start.
Leaving the airport, the signs show words with so many confusing spellings and Surfline Man isn’t entirely sure he’s on the right road. His rental campervan is not as nice as his Sprinter at home, but he is prepared to tough it out. A surfer has to make sacrifices to score good waves, and Surfline Man is so ready for good waves.
When at last Surfline Man pulls into a campground somewhere on the coast, it’s past midnight, pouring rain, and pitch black. He definitely should have pulled the headlamp out of his bag before he left the airport. He’s getting so much valuable surf trip experience right now.
Surfline Man can’t wait to scrub off the road dirt, but to his dismay, the shower is coin-operated. His wallet contains one scruffy, American 20-dollar bill and not much else. There should totally be a phone app for this.
Still dirty, Surfline Man eats his Cup Noodles, tucks himself into bed, and listens to the rain beat on the van’s roof. He did not plan for rain. He really wanted to shower. Surfline Man tells himself it’s all part of the adventure. No one expects a traveling surfer to be clean. It can only get better from here.
And it does. Surfline Man awakens early to gleaming sunshine. Humming a Jack Johnson song, he makes instant coffee and eats a protein bar. By mid-morning, Surfline Man reaches Bidart where he finds a super cute cafe. He tries out his French, but from the look on the face of the woman behind the counter, he is totally doing it wrong.
When she switches to English, he asks for a coffee and cheese sandwich. Hopefully, it’s organic, but Surfline Man isn’t about to ask. The coffee is tiny, but Surfline Man is happy all the same. He’s sitting on a terrace, in France, with the most perfect view of the ocean, eating a sandwich that’s super French! This is already the best trip ever.
Later, Surfline Man pulls into Hossegor and heads straight to a surf shop. He needs a new surfboard and he needs it right now. Again his efforts to talk French go totally wrong, but Surfline Man manages to buy a surfboard and wetsuit. The shop does not have his favorite fins, but he can totally survive this setback. He even remembers to buy a leash and wax. He’s so pro at this buying surfboards thing.
With his new surfboard in hand, Surfline Man heads straight to the beach. He’s going to surf in the Atlantic Ocean in France! When he arrives, it’s windy and the tide looks so very high. But Surfline Man has a new surfboard and he’s determined to ride it. He snaps the fins in place and attaches the leash.
Oh. He forgot to buy a traction pad. Surfline Man is totally not going back to the shop just for that. If Mason Ho can surf without a pad, Surfline Man can, too!
The waves are nothing special, but he’s surfing, man. He’s surfing in France. Surfline Man is so stoked right now. He even manages to order dinner — some sort of fish thing — without looking like a fool. Things are definitely looking up.
The shower in his hotel room doesn’t do much, but it’s better than nothing. Surfline Man tucks into bed early. There’s a swell coming tomorrow, and he’s going to be so ready!
Bright and early, Surfline Man heads to the beach with his brand-new surfboard. It’s firing. Surfline Man has never even seen surf this good. It’s like straight out of Instagram. He can’t even believe how much he is scoring right now. Surfline Man is going to get so barreled! He just has to figure out how to get out there. There aren’t even any lulls at all.
Taking the plunge, Surfline Man fights his way through the shorebreak. He only has to bail his board like twice, so he’s feeling super confident. He begins to paddle just in time to take a set wave square on the head.
He tried to duckdive! He really did! But somehow it didn’t even work. Surfline Man rolls over and over and his ass slams into the bottom. It’s so shallow. He did not even know it was so shallow.
Just as he surfaces, another wave comes and Surfline Man is like, so fucked right now. Wave after wave, into the spin cycle he goes, again and again. Eventually, Surfline Man feels a solid bump and realizes he’s washed ashore. He quickly looks around.
Did anyone see that? As a Californian, Surfline Man has a reputation to uphold. He can’t fail, not now, when he’s finally made it to the world’s best surf destination.
Surfline Man realizes he has traveled some distance from where he paddled out, and slinging his board under his arm, he walks back up the beach. Get any good ones? At least that’s what he thinks the surfer next to him is saying. Yeah, man, so fun out there! Surfline Man forces a smile. He can’t let the locals know that he is totally not succeeding at surfing.
At least, not yet. When the other surfer paddles out, Surfline Man watches and follows closely behind him. Suddenly like magic, he is out in the lineup. The ocean so helped him! The ocean loves him so much, it made sure Surfline Man made it out to the lineup so he could get barreled. Surfline Man is feeling so lucky now. Surfline Man reminds himself to chill and wait his turn.
Finally it’s his time. Surfline Man paddles as hard as he can. He springs to his feet, just like he practiced so many times in his garage. He’s surfing! But just as quickly, he’s not surfing at all. He’s falling and it feels like forever.
Again, he’s underwater, so sightless and so lost. Hopefully, he can find the surface again. Come on, ocean! Help a guy out!
When he finally surfaces, Surfline Man grabs his board and paddles super hard toward the horizon. Somehow, his duck dive works this time and before he quite knows how it happened, he’s back at the peak again.
Surfline Man is totally getting this surfing thing down. The next one is totally going to work out for him. Surfline Man can feel it!
But the next one doesn’t work at all. Nor the next one after that. Surfline Man is beginning to despair. He can’t bear to give up, but his arms are getting so tired. He should have gone to the gym like way more often before he came on his rad surf trip adventure. He definitely needs a faster pop-up right now. This surfing in France thing is not as easy as he expected.
Then a peak swings toward him. He’s going to make this one. He can feel it. He’s like so into the rhythm now. Surfline Man points his board toward the beach and paddles with everything he has. With sudden, superhuman strength, he gets to his feet faster than he ever has before in his entire life.
OMG! He’s doing it! Surfline Man is totally in the barrel!
Surfline Man barely has time to celebrate before the lip smashes down on him. Back into the washing machine he goes, but this time, Surfline Man doesn’t even care. He flew to Spain, then drove to France! He bought a new surfboard! He got so super barreled! Surfline Man is the best surf traveler ever.
Walking up the beach, Surfline Man is so proud of his surfing. Evil Trey can keep his stupid magazine. Who needs magazines anyway! Surfline Man knows how to surf in the barrel, which is so much more core and awesome and stuff. He can’t even wait to tell all his friends back home. They’re going to be so jealous.
Surfline Man saw visions, man!
