"We've finally solved one of life's most confounding mysteries..."

Cathedral bells are chiming across the United Kingdom, this morning, after researchers made a profound breakthrough overnight. For decades, now, the greatest minds in England, North Ireland, Scotland and Wales have puzzled over how the young royals, Princes William and Harry, fell in love with surfing. Their House of Windsor has placed five backsides on the throne, George V, Edward VIII, George VI, Elizabeth II and Charles III.

None notable wave sliders.

And yet William, next in line for the crown, has enjoyed both the boogie life and the longerboard life for years, surfing in Wales, England and Scotland, three of his four holdings. Harry, though currently banished, was just snapped getting placed into a Kelly Slater barrel by none other than Raimana Van Bastolear.

From whence did this “need for speed,” to quote California surfing royalty Matt Archbold, come?

New analysis suggests from the late great Queen of Hearts, Princess Diana herself.

Per the Daily Mail think-piece, Lady Diana, “…took her mind off her separation from Charles in 1993 on the sandy beaches of Nevis in the Caribbean. She took William and Harry, then aged ten and eight, bodyboarding and her friend Catherine Soames joined them. The pictures (of the surfing-adjacent) hit the front pages in the UK and when Diana returned home, she said: ‘That was the best holiday I’ve ever had.'”

And thus the hook was set. William described a Scottish surfing session from some 20 years ago whilst he was at university, declaring, “It was a bit like putting your head in a freezer when you went underwater, but the wetsuit I’ve got is pretty good. I couldn’t feel my hands for about half an hour. After a while they get so numb. There’s no noise. It’s just you breathing. You’re in a different world with the fish.”

Harry, of course, in Lemoore with the aforementioned Van Bastolear solemnly stating, “In Tahiti, we still call you Prince Harry. But at Surf Ranch, it’s my brother.”

Further scrutiny reveals that King Charles surfed Cornwall in 1973 but that was before either of his sons were born so doesn’t count.

And there we have it. One of life’s more confounding mysteries likely solved.

Huzzah.

But a silver lining?

The political left and right may be extremely far apart, these days, across all subsets very much including surf. Already prone to tribalism, surfers fight, fight, fight over board volume and stance throughout the day. Throwing the recent presidential election into the mix and a landslide victory by Donald Trump leading directly to even greater divisions.

Shortboarders from Huntington sneering at longboarders from Capo Beach and screaming at them to “go back to Mexico.” Similar things happening in Florida except instead of Mexico, longboarders are being told to go back to Puerto Rico.

Dark days ahead. The end of even the flimsiest concept of a “surf world?”

Enter The Inertia.

The “definitive voice of surfing and the outdoors” took the moment to release its “winter gear guide” beginning thusly:

It’s that time of year again. The water is getting colder, the waves are getting bigger, and it’s just about time to dig those booties and hooded fullsuit out of the closet where they’ve been hibernating for the summer. In winter, surfing changes from a carefree sun-soaked activity to a ritualistic and gear-heavy affair, all in the name of staying warm.

The gear:

Shortboarders and longboarders, Shredders for Harris and Barrel Hounds for Trump, goofies and regulars each holding each other’s hair back as they take turns vomiting due the sheer sartorial assault.

Unified.

"This is no regular dude. He is a one punch knockout master but all these kooks and kids on longboards are just burning him."

The Grit! podcast is almost one decade old, now, and over that time, we’ve had some very fun segments. One of my favorites is “Pros in the Wild” wherein listeners call in and describe experiences with professional surfers out in the world. These encounters are often illuminating, the true natures of our heroes and heroines becoming revealed through small interactions or observances. On yesterday’s program, a friend from Florida called in to describe a scene in which many VALs might have had their heads kicked from their shoulders for bad behavior.

Chris, anyhow, lives on the gulf and describes how anytime a hurricane hits and school, work etc. are cancelled, hundreds of people with “surfboards in the garage” decide its time to paddle out. “They’re not surfers,” he says, “they’re just free Americans with surfboards, paddling out. Kids and kooks.” In any case, the lineup turns extremely chaotic, as can be imagined, and this is where we lay our scene. Chris had paddled out near Naples, Florida after a hurricane and rustled up some waist-to-chest high gutless waves. There he was, in the mix, when he noticed a very strong appearing man on a SUP. Paddling closer he realized it was the kickboxing legend Cosmo Alexandre. “This is no regular dude,” Chris explained. “He is a one punch knockout master but all these kooks and kids on longboards are just burning him. They have no idea who he is. No idea they just burned one of the baddest people on planet earth.”

Alexandre seemed kind, ruing the fact he brought a SUP instead of another craft when Chris steeled his spine and made conversation. He did not retaliate on any of the lineup etiquette transgressions.

Would you have been so genteel? Or would you have kicked one head from one shoulders just to send a message?

Watch Cosmo Alexandre knock Sage Northcutt out while pondering how you would handle your advanced fighting skills, if you had them