Jesse Watters (insert) checking out Gabbard's goods. Photo: YouTube
Jesse Watters (insert) checking out Gabbard's goods. Photo: YouTube

Fox News host Jesse Watters begs for more Tulsi Gabbard surf footage: “I need some eye candy too!”

Hubba hubba!

Donald J. Trump has now been president-elect for almost one month and what an almost one month it has been. Tariff threats roiling markets, date nights with Elon Musk and cabinet picks that the left finds “troubling.” One of the early stars, of course, is Hawaii’s Tulsi Gabbard who Trump has tapped to lead the Department of National Intelligence.

The 43-year-old, a lieutenant colonel in the Army Reserve, was once a democratic congresswoman though left the party in 2022, describing it as, “under the complete control of an elitist cabal of warmongers.”

Though she was proven wrong, yesterday, by President Joe Biden’s populist and peaceful pardon of his son Hunter, Gabbard will soon be behind the levers of America’s spy machine, pending confirmation of course.

Jesse Watters, popular Fox News host who replaced Tucker Carlson on the network, is very excitado by the prospect of four Gabbard years though wants to see… more. Speaking to a panel, the raven-haired Watters became lightly frustrated that there were so many thirst trap posts of Trump’s heath czar RFK Jr. making the rounds but far fewer of the women in Trump’s orbit.

“I just think it’s unfair that you had to get to see this and we don’t get to see any of the female members of the cabinet,” Watters sighed. “I’d like to see maybe Linda McMahon doing yoga. Tulsi surfing? Charlie and I need to see some eye candy too.”

Linda McMahon, Trump’s pick to lead the Department of Education, is 76-years-young.

And while not new, Watters can enjoy this Gabbard surfing clip from three years ago.

I would warn him off re-visiting Gabbard’s The Inertia address, though.

Nothing cools the engines quite like Zach Weisberg and co.

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Hunky surf instructor Armando Perez (pictured) ghosting Ellie Goulding.
Hunky surf instructor Armando Perez (pictured) ghosting Ellie Goulding.

Surf instructor blasted for doing chanteuse Ellie Goulding dirty

"This next song is about when somebody gets scared when someone goes too deep and they kind of back off and it's like you've been ghosted."

The rise of the surf instructor will certainly be one of 2024’s defining marks as this year of the wood dragon draws to a close. Yes, it is wild to think we have less than thirty days until the beginning of 2025, which will be filled with its very own storylines, but we are not there yet and so back to surf instructors we go.

Folk continued the learn-to-surf craze, first popularized in 2020, hiring many and varied surf instructors across the globe, industry legends like Jamie O’Brien got into the game, launching eponymous learn-to-surf schools and famous chanteuses fell head over heels in love with hunky instructors.

Hot for teacher.

But all daisies and tulips?

Maybe not, according to English singer/songwriter Ellie Goulding. The 37-year-old was recently playing a show in Austria when she declared, “This next song is about when somebody gets scared when someone goes too deep and they kind of back off and it’s like you’ve been ghosted. Has anyone been ghosted? Who has been ghosted? What the [expletive]. Sorry for the kids! I’m so sorry, What the duck, which is what I say around my child. What the ducking duck. So this song is more relevant than ever.”

Attention immediately turned to the Costa Rican surf instructor hunk Armando Perez who had been linked to Goulding for months.

It must also be noted that Perez taught surfing to Shakira as well.

Anyhow, the toothsome twenty-something apparently stopped returning texts and calls though still appears to be open for business, as it were. His website reading:

Hello my name is Armando and I have been surfing since I was a child. The waves of Playa Hermosa are my home and I am a very good host. As a surf instructor I will lead you step by step to the line-up and guarantee you at least one “wave of the day”. Together we read the sea until you understand it for yourself.

(Book here).

Back to the question at hand, though, has anyone, here, been ghosted?

Who has been ghosted?

Anyone?

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Jeffreys Bay rocked by racism claims.
Real crispy line at J-Bay.

Racism claim and counter-claim rocks tight surf community at South Africa’s Jeffreys Bay

“He claims I threatened to slit the throats of white children and said, ‘The night of the long knives is coming.’”

The pretty surf town of Jeffreys Bay, just off the N2 Highway, 75 clicks southwest of Port Elizabeth there, has long played hard in the imaginations of surfers. 

The long, not-so-heavy but challenging enough. righthand point has hauled in some of the greatest performances in surfing history: Tom Curren’s second-ever war there, as featured in Sonny Miller’s 1993 film Searching for Tom Curren, Filipe Toledo’s double-oop in 2018, Andy Irons, Kelly Slater, Occy, Mikey February, Stephanie Gilmore, all of ‘em painting gorgeous timeless lines. 

The J-Bay Open was a regular fixture on the tour from the eighties until 2023 when it was abruptly pulled from the tour following Jamie Curries’s devastating claim the contest had killed pro surfing and that it was an “an endless drone of punditry, empty statistics, half-remembered anecdotes apropos of not very much, tales of waves that were, been and gone and meaningless.”

Jeffreys Bay has again come under the microscope after a black surfer claimed he was told to fuck off and called what is euphemistically referred to as the K-word, a wildly offensive racial slur that has deep roots in South Africa’s apartheid history. 

Rasool Hendricks, forty-nine, said him and his pal were about to hit Supertubes back in March when, they allege, local guest house operator and J-Bay shredder Remi Petersen told ‘em to beat it and allegedly used the ol K-word. 

“I struggled to understand why he wanted to keep me out of the waves,” Hendricks told the local press. “We are acquainted, he knows I surf in Jeffreys Bay all the time, and I was very surprised when he and some other surfers approached us and told us to leave. The matter escalated and an argument ensued. At one state, they tried to grab out surfboards. Then Remi (allegedly) called me a k**** and told me to fuck off and go back to the location. The whole thing was quite upsetting.” 

Hendricks said he wrote a letter and thought about sending it to the Human Rights Commission. It then went up on a chat group where “other surfers of colour” were asked for their opinion. 

And, here’s the twist. 

“I thought the whole thing was behind us, but then I got a phone call that I needed to appear in court in Humansdorp,” says Hendricks. “When I arrived Remi was there with an attorney and an advocate and I heard he was applying for a protection order against me. He claims I threatened to slit the throats of white children and told him, ‘The night of the long knives is coming.’” 

Back in 2013, photos appeared of a man, allegedly Rasool Hendricks, baptising an Australian surfer in the water.

“When asked if he was indeed the surfer depicted in photographs dunking another surfer, Rasool Hendricks told the Cape Times: “The whole thing was a joke. It was pure speculation.”

On a different post about the same alleged baptism, one commenter wrote:

There is no place for violence in the surf, not of this nature. Opinions about localism are mostly a grey area, but putting someone in headlock and almost choking them out while in the water is, legally speaking, assault with intent to cause grievous bodily harm. It is typically punishable by 3 to 10 years prison sentence.

Regardless of whether the victim presses charges or not, I think it is our duty as a surf community to make it known to him that his behaviour is unacceptable and that he is unwelcome to share the water with us. By this I don’t mean lowering ourselves to his level of personal violence, but there are many ways to skin a cat, as the saying goes.

Furthermore, I’ve also heard from many friends within the surfing community, and have personally seen him being verbally abusive and disrespectful to everyone in the water, regardless of sex or age. 

Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. Sheeeeesh.

So, anyway, Hendricks lawyers up, applies for a counter protection order and, not real sure why, but the World Surf League has sent their regional director Tasha Mentasti to monitor court proceedings.

“Once the matter has been finalised in court, we will make a decision on possible further steps for the good of the sport,” Mentasti told The Herald.

Further steps unspecified.

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Jamie O'Brien x Mike Stewart. A combined 102 years of wow. Photo: Instagram
Jamie O'Brien x Mike Stewart. A combined 102 years of wow. Photo: Instagram

Jamie O’Brien heaps scorn on Vans after scoring best waves of Pipeline mega-swell

Revenge served searing.

They say that revenge is a dish best served cold, though Thanksgiving dinner teaches us, each and every year, that the “correct temperature” of any foodstuff is pure myth. Piping hot fresh apple pie, for example, is not nearly as delicious as refrigerated breakfast apple pie the next morning. Conversely, chilled cranberry sauce is half the taste sensation as a melty cranberry sauce warmed right up via proximity to freshly carved turkey and still-steaming stuffing.

And thus, back to revenge.

As you certainly recall, the distressed cobbler Vans recently announced its 2024 Pipeline Masters invitation list. The event, which once met something, has since devolved into a pointless spectacle bereft of significance. Wanting to possibly “young it up,” the greatest living, and possibly ever, Pipeline wrangler, one James Duncan O’Brien, was left out of the draw.

Condemnation was swift and coming from all corners. The normally placid Josh Moniz, speaking for most when he penned, “How can you leave out arguably the greatest Pipeline surfer of all time? To suggest that he doesn’t deserve a spot in an event he has helped define is baffling to me.”

O’Brien, himself, “I’ve been processing how the Pipeline Masters has become a joke. Whoever is making these decisions clearly doesn’t understand what’s happening in the water pipeline on the day today!” He later revealed that Vans considered him “too old.”

Well, as wobbly corporate entities are wont to do (see Bud Light, Dylan Mulvaney and Kelly Slater), Vans quickly walked back the snub and included the 41-year-old on the slate.

Now, conventional temperature wisdom would have had him serve revenge upon Vans by winning the contest in a few week but conventional temperature wisdom proven wrong once again.

Hours ago, the carrot-topped King of Pipeline put on an absolute show, snagging a double barrel with bodyboard legend Mike Stewart alongside a handful of other knee-buckling bombs.

O’Brien simply writing, “I’m old enough to know that Vans is a bunch of KOOKS! Sharing one with the legendary Mike Stewart.”

Stewart is 61.

Revenge served searing.

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Larry Blair, Pipe Masters winner and life of crime.
Larry Blair, winning of his Pipe Masters crowns and, inset, the wild heist that cost his Daddy his life.

Two-time Pipe Master reveals the gruesome torture and murder of his Dad and life of crime in tell-all book

"The Toecutters, Australia's most murderous gang, was named after the way they tortured and killed the only father I'd ever known.”

The once cute-as-a-button Australian surfer Larry Blair, who famously won back-to-back Pipe Masters titles with long flaxen hair sprouting from the middle of his crown, back when the Pipe Masters meant something, has revealed the gruesome torture and murder of his step dad, and his family’s life on the run.

In a new book titled The Outside, written with his pal Jeremy Goring, Lazza says his Daddy, the bank robber Frank “Baldy” Blair, was part of a gang that stole almost six hundred gees in a robbery of an armoured van, one of the biggest heists in Australian history. It was the equivalent of nine mill in 2024 cash. 

The robbery would inspired the 1978 film Money Movers, directed by two-time Academy Award winning director Bruce Beresford.

“Dad and his two new Melbourne comrades, Steve, the Bomber, and Al (Alan Jones) from the Oshey, followed the armoured van to the bank then watched it stop at the usual luncheon spot in the adjacent car park. As always, after a half hour or so, the van door opened and one of the guards got out to dump the rubbish. At this point, Dad, the Bomber and Al, who had been crouched behind the van, pointed their silenced pistols at him and ordered all three guards to let them into the van or else they’d blow their fuckinging heads off. The only violence that occurred was when one of the guards had his glasses broken.” 

Larry’s mama, Patricia, was a hot as hell jewel thief and he says she kept the family together as they kept one step ahead of his Dad’s pals who wanted to kill him for his share of the cash. 

They got him in the end.

“They asked my father where the money was and to give up his share. Word has it that Baldy wouldn’t tell them anything. To get him to talk, Kevin Gore blowtorched his testicles and other parts of him with his trusty oxy-acetylene torch. He then lopped off his toes one by one with the boltcutters while Billy held him down. Frank “Baldy” Blair, the womanising bully, died of his wounds, and The Toecutters, Australia’s most murderous gang, was born: named after the manner in which they had tortured and killed the only father I’d ever known.”

Larry says his Dad’s corpse was dissolved in a barrel of acid and buried at Sydney airport. 

Amid all this Larry was finessing his surfing and when a scam with his mum was foiled when he was fifteen he jumped a plane to Hawaii.

Five years later he’d famously win the Coke Surfboard at Manly, followed by Pipe Masters wins in 1978 and 1979. 

Many wild stories! No trannies but still, very good. 

Buy the book! 

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