"Kelly Slater is proof that how you live can actually slow down the clock.”

The world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater is a curio in so many ways: a never-to-be-beaten competitive record, unmatched dexterity on social media, a mysterious bebe still unseen by the world, but what might be his greatest feat  is his ability to slow the ageing process. 

The Australian vitamin company Melrose Future Lab makes supplements that repair your DNA, make your body very strong, give you nice sleepies and so on, and via geneticist Doc Denise Furness, they claim Kelly is ageing at the rate of 0.72 of a year every year.

 

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“Kelly Slater is in his early 50s, but his biological age tells a different story.  Thanks to his lifestyle choices, Kelly is proof that how you live can actually slow down the clock.

Biological age testing looks at the true condition of your body compared to the average. Things like a nutrient-rich diet, regular exercise, quality sleep, and managing stress all play a huge role. Kelly’s commitment to these areas shows just how much control we can have over the ageing process.”

The comments are instructive:

“Never seen him stressed. Obviously he would get stressed being a high performance athlete but it doesn’t show too often. I reckon it’s because he invests in, and knows the importance of remaining calm in life and high pressure situations in order to get the best out of himself. His brother Stephen seemed like a fairly relaxed character also. Every now and then we hear how much damage the stress hormone can do but not many talk about it in mainstream areas because they can’t make money off it I reckon.”

“He’s even good at ageing,” writes Balter beer co-founder Stirling Howard. 

Slater says laying off the piss and bags has been the diff.

“Show me one person whose life’s better off or their success is better and they drank or did drugs,” he says.

 

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The black-out of coverage is refreshing. Results drip-fed through written updates. Secondhand reports of the conditions and the vibe on the sand. Pirate streams giving us shaky footage.

An old booze buddy of mine used to talk about a documentary he wanted to film. Sort of an artistic project, I guess. One of many such ideas that would come up during a session of solid day drinking, the type that only the young and unencumbered can regularly enjoy.

Shit talking and banter flying about like a drunken firefight. Some ideas would hit, but most would miss.

The basic premise of his doco idea was about him pushing a piano off a cliff. The documentary would follow him as he prepared for the task. Selecting the piano. Transporting it to the cliff top. Long, deep, philosophical interviews about the ontological meaning of the entire event.

Probably shot in black and white. Maybe a bit of Super-8 spliced in.

But the rub was that he wouldn’t actually film the act of the piano being toppled itself. When it came to the moment the entire project had been building towards, the coup de grace, the camera would turn away and film the static horizon instead. Or maybe just cut to a black void, Sopranos-style.

It would be an artistic statement. What the statement was, I’m not sure. I was pretty canned at the time.

But I can’t help thinking of it in relation to the 2024 Vans Pipe Masters.

Say what you will. Despite recent downgrades, the comp is still one of the most prestigious – and viewer attracting – events in our sphere. High-profile surfers from around the globe have been flown in to tackle the jewel in surfing’s crown. Various advertising and sponsorship partners brought on board to plug and promote.

Surely tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars sunk into the whole venture by the flailing shoe company. The Pipe Masters is still a big deal.

Yet the Vans Pipe Masters is not being live-streamed.

In the digital age it’s one of the most basic and expected deliverings for any high profile competition. Fuck, it’s the entire reason you’d do it. YouTube advertising. Eyeballs = revenue

On face value the decision is inexplicable. I don’t think it’s an artistic statement, like my mate and his piano had intended. Likely it’s more to do with simply running out of the money to do it.

But there is something vaguely refreshing about the semi black-out in Vans Pipe Masters coverage. Results being drip fed through written updates. Secondhand reports of the conditions and the vibe on the sand. Various pirate streams giving us some grainy, shaky footage.

Remember the days of getting comp news three months later in your print publication of choice? Or waiting another six months to watch only the curated highlights in VHS form?

Things have changed. We come to expect everything instantaneously – and for free. Anything less is an abject slap in the face to us. The audience. Have we become too demanding?

Not to excuse Vans for the obvious own goal.

How easy is it to set up a camera and a mic? Da Hui been doing it on the cheap for 20 years. Blak Bear Social Club and Nate Florence are filling the void for us just now, at what you would think would be either zero or at most minimal cost.

But it is a conversation, starter, to say the least. A guerilla marketing tactic

And here I sit, in the small window of time I have before the rest of my house awakes, ruminating on the meaning of it all and typing up this bullshit instead of being planted on the lounge, coffee in one hand and live chat phone in the other, my eyes glued to multiple screens like the hopeless social media junkie I am.

They’re giving our time back to us. There is that.

Still, it would be sick to be watching it, but.

C’mon Vans, ya hopeless cunts.