Forecasting giant Surfline announces hard anti-socialist pivot

"You may have seen that we are now enforcing our one-person, one-account policy..."

Surfline subscribers and subscribers-adjacent woke up this morning fearful of what the day might bring. The wave forecasting giant had, the night before, sent out a message, you see, declaring a crack down on generosity. “You may have seen that we are now enforcing our one-person, one-account policy for Premium users,” the missive from CEO Ross Garrett began. “Here’s why. Beyond the clear business reasons, Surfline will simply work better with your own account. This is increasingly true.”

Attempting to dress the draconian anti-socialist pivot up as benevolence, Garrett continued, “Today, Favorites, Sessions, and Alerts are personalized for you. More personalization is on the way. ‘The forecast’ will become ‘your forecast.’ ‘Conditions ratings’ will become ‘the best conditions for you.’ And ‘trying to remember that epic day’ will become ‘saving that epic day to Surfline so it can remind me when it will be like that again.’ But we can’t do any of that if you don’t have your own account.”

Those flagged for largesse will be slapped with having to change the account password. A devilish penalty. The beneficiaries of philanthropy will be locked out and are “encouraged you to upgrade to Premium, but of course are welcome to remain a free user.”

While leftists quietly mourned, those on the far right rejoiced, categorizing the move as yet another victory for oligarchs. Surfline’s headquarters is, of course, in Huntington Beach. Southern California’s MAGA epicenter.

If you, reader, lean progressive and also happen to be a Surfline Premium subscriber, does this feel like another gut punch in a long string of gut punches or do you imagine this is the spark that will finally get your side off the bench and into the game?

Eat the rich.