Chris, too big, Liam, too pretty, Luke, well,
he's seen as an honest lover and brave bull.
Hollywood in shock over “beautiful and
sexy” Luke Hemsworth’s explosive new role alongside Great White
attack survivor turned yoga teacher Mick Fanning in apocalyptic
surf drama!
By Derek Rielly
"Sessions of an hour or more during which she’ll
have twenty to fifty consecutive orgasms!"
Of the three Hemsworth brothers, Luke, I’m reliably
informed by a woman whose endurance and determination with an
artificial phallus has to be seen to be believed, sessions of an
hour or more during which she’ll have twenty to fifty consecutive
orgasms and will stop only when totally exhausted, is the
“hottest” as they say.
Chris, too big, Liam, too pretty, Luke, well, he’s seen as an
honest lover and brave bull.
“After the world’s collective knowledge of surfing is completely
wiped after a successful vaccination scheme with an unintended
consequence, the surf god, ‘Huey’ makes a last-ditch effort to save
surfing. Enlisting Mick Fanning (now a yoga teacher in the
Himalayas), he plans to put together a team of former surfing
champions to create The Greatest Surf Movie In The Universe and
save surfing from extinction.”
The Greatest Surf Movie in the Universe premieres on April
3 in Torquay, Victoria.
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The Master and his Apprentice!
@worldsurflols
On eve of Trans Visibility Day world’s
greatest surfer Kelly Slater escapes furore over trans-exclusionary
comments with wild surf session at a wave, “Almost no one can
surf!”
By Derek Rielly
Five essential minutes with the greatest of all
time Kelly Slater and his understudy, the Hawaiian world champion
John John Florence!
You will have read, yesterday, the news that transgender
surfers would be drawing a figurative if not literal line in the
sand at Will Rogers Beach in Santa Monica this Saturday
with a “Trans Day of Visibility!”
Everyone is welcome to join in on TDV, including CIS freaks and
those with a huge fascination for this exotic species because who
knows what it would be like to love a TS gal from her hair to her
toes, although there is a caveat.
“This is a space for TGNC (Transgender and Gender Nonconforming
People) folks and if you support that community, you are welcomed.
This is a place of celebration and safety, so don’t duck with us we
are just trying to have a nice time!”
Chas is gonna be there, I would too, if funds allowed a
last-minute trans-Pacific airfare and trip to waxing salon.
Kelly Slater, of course, broke the hearts of trans-girls
everywhere when he responded to a WSL rule change that allows
biological males, albeit with low levels of T, to compete, with a
call for a “trans division”.
Now, on the eve of Trans Visibility Day, Slater has joined John
John Florence, his little brother Ivan, Kiron Jabour, and Kona
Johnson for a surf at a wave “almost no one can surf.”
John John says, “This is my favourite kind of wave.”
A cauldron of boiling opposites.
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The starting point for the film was a wave
Malia had never surfed: Teahupo’o. The mid-year cut meant she
missed the opportunity to compete there. “I was extremely nervous
and intimidated and scared of Teahupo’o. But I still wanted to go,”
she says.
Female surfer controversially cut from
world tour flaunts “revenge film” backed by activewear giant
Lululemon, “We’re all familiar with the way the WSL rules bend with
the breeze and under the weight of sponsors’ cash!”
By Jen See
"Do not be fooled by that smile."
Last week Morgan Maassen emailed me and promised free
coffee if I would run a story about his latest film
project “Malia,” featuring Malia Manuel.
I can assure you that I am not so easily bought.
Sure, I said. I’ll run a link to the film if you connect me with
Malia.
There I was expecting to get a few quotes. But you know how it
goes. A couple of girls get on the phone, start talking about
surfing, and time just flies by.
In an hour-long conversation, we talked about Malia’s upbringing
on Kaua’i’s east side, the WSL’s dreaded cut, and the newly
released film she made with Morgan.
The first thing you should know is that Malia is much funnier
than you would expect from watching post-heat interviews with their
tight restrictions on what surfers can say. She has that feisty
edge that many good surfers have — and that she often keeps hidden
behind a serene smile. Do not be fooled by that smile.
Do you want to know how great surfers are made? Bribery. That’s
right, straight up bribery.
Passionate surfers, Malia’s parents Selso and Christy would plan
their sessions meticulously from their home on Kaua’i’s east side.
The night before, they packed their red Westphalia for the
45-minute drive to the north in the winter or to the southwest in
the summer to search for waves.
“We would have the van all packed and they would bribe me with
candy to get up at 4am,” she says. “Wake up, we gotta go!”
Malia describes her childhood as a simple life. She stumbles a
bit. Then laughs. “Basically, I grew up poor,” she says.
Her mom Christy worked as a stay-at-home mom, while her dad
Selso had a minimum wage job at a nearby hotel. “They’ve always had
a really solid work ethic and no ego,” she says. She credits their
hard-work for the start of her career.
“They went into debt for me, so that I could start competing as
an amateur,” she says. “Which is amazing. I’m so thankful it all
worked out, so I could pay them back.”
Her parents’ bet paid off quickly. At age 14, Malia won the 2008
U.S. Open after beating Coco Ho in the final. At the time, she was
the youngest surfer ever to win it. Two years later, Malia
qualified for the CT, and in 2012 she won Rookie of the Year.
At the time, a new generation had begun to transform women’s
surfing. It included women like Carissa Moore, Coco Ho, Laura
Enever and Lakey Peterson. They surfed faster and more radically
than their predecessors. And Malia was right there in the middle of
it.
“It went from cutbacks to blowing the tail,” Jason told me. “It
was pretty instant.”
Given her early success, it’s a surprise to me that Malia never
won a CT event. One answer is that her years on Tour overlapped
with surfing’s great smiling rivalry. Between them, Carissa and
Steph Gilmore scooped up every world title between 2007 and 2022
except two.
Judged sports like surfing are a wild ride. In her ten years on
Tour, Malia finished second in numerous finals. Too often, she
seemed to end up on the wrong side of close decisions. Her
consistency kept her on Tour for ten years.
Then came the cut.
In 2022, she opened the season in Hawaii by making the
quarterfinals at Pipe. At Sunset, Malia finished a close second to
Brisa Hennessy. Then came three-straight ninths. And that was that.
Malia missed the cut by an achingly close margin.
“I think it was like 60-something points,” she says. “I think
it’s the closest anyone has ever missed a spot by. It was too close
for comfort.”
By now we’re all familiar with the way the WSL rules bend with
the breeze and under the weight of sponsors’ cash. Normally, the
top-ranked surfer below the cut would be named the first
replacement for injuries. Malia wasn’t. She also did not receive a
wildcard for 2023, which went to Sally Fitzgibbons.
Laughing, Malia refuses to comment on the wildcard situation or
the small number of slots on the women’s CT. A girl doesn’t spend
more than ten years in the game without learning a few things.
Malia has a gift for deflecting with a laugh and a smile.
Still, the abrupt end to her CT career stung.
Malia competed in the CS at Snapper, because she loves surfing
there. But already, she knew she needed to move on and to think
about life after competition.
“Continuing to compete felt like I would be just forcing the
situation,” she says.
She didn’t have to look far for a new direction. For the past
several years, Malia has wanted to make a film project. “I wanted
to open my life a little bit further,” she says. Her principal
sponsor lululemon supported the idea. Now she had the
opportunity.
“Having one foot in competition and one foot out, I couldn’t
commit to anything new,” she says. “My competitive door is
completely shut. I had to close that door for more doors to
open.”
Entitled simply “Malia,” the new film is a dreamy depiction of
her surfing at a few of her favorite places. She surfed crazy
off-shore J-Bay, got barreled at Teahupo’o, and made her first trip
back to the Ments since Leave A Message. There’s some fleeting
moments at home in Hanalei, and a tantalizing variety of
boards.
The starting point for the film was a wave Malia had never
surfed: Teahupo’o. The mid-year cut meant she missed the
opportunity to compete there.
“I was extremely nervous and intimidated and scared of
Teahupo’o. But I still wanted to go,” she says. Her first trip was
a classic surf film skunking, and she only rode one wave.
“I stood up on my first wave, and I was like, ‘Okay, I’m done!
I’m good!’” she says. “Were my eyes open? Did I look okay?’”
“I wanted people to be reminded how peaceful we could be, just
with simplicity,” she says. “Whether that was watching certain
shadows or swaying trees or the way the water ripples — I wanted to
show how you can draw a sense of calm and fulfillment from
something simple. We don’t need that much.”
By now, you probably know whether or not you like Morgan’s
style. As it happens, I like it — and not just because he lives in
my town and bribes me with coffee. Morgan has a perceptive eye for
pattern and texture that gives his films an immersive quality. At
times, he seems to have a magician’s ability to bend light to his
will.
If he relies on a solitary figure standing on the beach to
communicate simplicity and escape a little too often, I’m not going
to argue too much. It’s beautiful to look at. The images also fit
the story Malia sought to tell.
As an artist, I think it’s hard to reinvent the things that come
easily for us. We all have our favorite building blocks that we use
to tell our stories. But I also think there’s a joy in the process
of taking those familiar pieces, holding them up to the light, and
reshaping them into something new.
One of my favorite parts of the film has that feeling of
something new.
It’s just one wave at Hanalei, beautifully framed through the
trees. Malia can trace back four generations of family in Hanalei.
“It’s a special place for me, and I feel so connected there.” She
rides a bright red board shaped by Terry Chung. A 7’10”, the
template is copied from one of Selso’s boards.
I mistake it for a single fin.
“It’s actually a quad,” she says. “I didn’t want to tell you! A
single fin would be way cooler!” She laughing again now. I make her
promise to ride a single fin in her next film.
Riding that red board at Hanalei and surfing a thruster in
wind-blown, chattery J-Bay, Malia’s style is in full view. We joke
about watching Trilogy a few too many times. In truth, she credits
her dad for her graceful approach. “He has the most casual,
beautiful, knock-kneed style,” she says. There’s nothing rushed
about Selso’s surfing. The good waves just seem to come to him.
“The older I get, the more I appreciate watching him,” she says.
“Being home more and surfing more with him brings tears to my eyes.
He really is connected with the ocean.”
Malia is already planning her next films. Australia is on her
map, and she hopes to pull friends into her future projects. She
feels lucky to have lululemon behind her. There’s long been a lack
of support from sponsors for women to make films.
If there’s one thing missing from this film, it’s the grit that
kept Malia on Tour for a decade. It’s almost a little too smooth.
The girl who grew up on the east side and won the U.S. Open at 14 —
that kind of thing doesn’t happen by accident. It takes a
relentless determination and the white-hot fire of ambition.
Looking back, she says it all happened so fast.
“I was always in such a hurry to do this contest or hit eighteen
or grow up,” she says. “Now I’m like, I should have slowed down. I
should have just enjoyed where I was at that stage life and enjoyed
what I was doing even more.”
Now with competition behind her, Malia has the chance to slow
down and take her time. There’s a whole world of waves out there
waiting for her to ride them. There’s no need to hurry. She can
take a moment to stand on the beach, watch the palm fronds sway in
the wind, and absorb the sea’s ever-changing currents.
“I feel like my life is just beginning all over again.”
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Daddy Slater gets his mouth sticky with dreamy
roll-in cocktails.
World’s greatest athlete Kelly Slater,
slammed by transgender surf icon as part of the “far right going
mental”, shines in exhilarating video edit made by teenage surf
fan! “That second one broke the speed record!”
By Derek Rielly
Daddy Slater gets his mouth sticky with dreamy
roll-in cocktails.
It is a rare day when Kelly Slater, the world’s greatest
athlete, isn’t courting controversy;
Now, in a short video made by seventeen-year-old surf
photographer James Ferrell, we find the just-turned
fifty-one-year-old Slater in his natural element, putting on his
rubber glove and submerging his hand in a jar of lube, pulling out
at the deepest moment of connection.
Essential.
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Noa Deane, roving the inside!
BIPOC “Queen of Crazy” Mason Ho, “beautiful
and fat” Noa Deane and surfing’s greatest virtuoso Clay Marzo
deliver a masterpiece in contemporary surfing, “A penetrating
glimpse into sport’s most exciting talents!”
By Derek Rielly
A vulgar excess of high-fidelity contemporary
surfing from surfing's three hottest and most enduring talents!
Most surfer edits are like very bad coffee. They taste like
boiled rags and they make you angry for stealing your time and your
hope.
In this edit from the studio of maestro Riordan Pringle,
Hawaii’s “Queen of Crazy” Mason Ho, thirty-four, the mercurial Clay
Marzo from Maui, thirty-three and Australia’s Noa Deane,
twenty-eight, put on a show that’s so damn exciting you’ll have to
scrape off your eyes with spoons!
Better than a multiple-nozzled shower and a vulgar excess of
golden sunshine!