Hot on heels of explosive 31-page attack on British royal family Prince Harry-lookalike stuns surf world with session at secret wave pundits are calling Australia’s Teahupoo!

“Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.”

I doubt there’s a subject of the former British empire who doesn’t thrill to the slowish train wreck that is the disintegration of the House of Windsor following the death of its flawless matriarch Elizabeth II.

“Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest,” so goes the quote.

King Charles’ son Prince Harry, the killer of twenty-five muslims gunned down from the safety of his Apache helicopter during his tour of Afghanistan (from his poignant memoir Spare), who married a Machiavellian former actor and divorcee, Meghan Markle, is the catalyst of course.

The pair hit the family with accusations of racism, wanton cruelty, feelings trodden on, hardships inflicted upon ’em etc via a Netflix series, Oprah confessional, the aforementioned weepy memoir, a thirty-one page witness statement tended to court during defamation proceedings (“Harry believes the Royal Family are a bunch of gullible fools being led through the noses by evil media forces they don’t understand, while only he and he alone is wise enough to put on his Goggles of Perception and see the Real Truth”) and various other channels.

By some genetic kink. surfing has a Prince Harry-lookalike in the form of Nathan Florence, the ginger-haired brother of US Olympian John John and who has been labelled “the world’s sexiest Only Fans star”.

In this edit from Florence’s recent vacation in Australia, the wildly popular Hawaiian-born surfer, who is twenty-eight and whose couronne of red hair is masked by the bleaching effects of sun and salt, knocks the surfing world for six at a wave that has a little whiff of Teahupoo about it.

“A rare combination of skill, courage and humility,” writes one fan. “You are the best by a wide margin.”


Hawaiian big-wave superstar almost paralysed in horror wipeout three weeks ago shocks Australian surfers with dramatic cameo at the country’s heaviest wave, “I want the people to watch what is going to be consecrated here!”

"A true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above."

But three month ago, the sexy powerlifter turned Only Fans star Nathan Florence was being rushed to hospital by Kai Lenny after a wipeout during a twenty-foot day at Jaws, that snapped a vertebrae in his spine, later crediting his regime of deadlifts from saving him from a life in a chair.

Now, the brother of US Olympian who was once dubbed the Jan Brady of surfing, falling in the cracks of the three Florence boys, big brother John John, world champ, little Ivan, ice-cold skater, has appeared at Shark Island, just south of Sydney airport, wrangling the biggest and best waves of the day in a surprise cameo.

Shark Island, of course, is home to local legend Ronnie “Skull” Hill who rides a home-made jetboard through the lineup, scooping up waves from outside and deep on the reef, before riding to glory.

Although unseen on this magical day, Nathan’s cameo quickly fills the gaps.



Surf world stunned as old age pensioner gives hell to giant hurricane swell in the Caribbean! “Seventy-three and still charging!”

"It goes beyond just feeling good. It’s a state of mind as well.”

It ain’t cruel to note that big-wave surfer and founder of the Big Wave Tour Gary Linden, who has been whittling boards in his Oceanside factory for almost fifty years, is in the sunset of his life.

Linden, who was born only five years after the self-annihilation of Hitler in his Berlin bunker and in the same year Chinese and North Korean commmies stormed the thirty-eighth parallel, ain’t slowing down, however.

In this edit from the Caribbean, we see the seventy three year old giving hell to a hurricane swell, with very little obvious decrepitude in his approach to surfing.

“I’m a big wave surfer, that’s been my passion. I wasn’t afraid of the ocean or of big waves, and that set me apart from most other surfers,” Linden says. “Even before I rode a surfboard, my father took me to the ocean and taught me to play in the waves, and about the currents, and body surfing. The freedom of it was like nothing else. I had asthma and hay fever, and when I was in the ocean I didn’t feel any of that. Whereas on land the pollens and the dryness just made being on the land kind of miserable. Like a fish out of water in a lot of ways. It was always rewarding for me to go into the ocean. It goes beyond just feeling good. It’s a state of mind as well.”


Puerto Rico’s Dylan Graves smashes Guinness World Record for most turns on a wave with a leg-trembling 40 manoeuvres!

The compelling star of Vans' Weird Waves series rides a five-minute long tidal wave in remote Indonesia!

If you flip to page 314 of the latest Guinness Book of World Records, a compendium of record-breaking feats that was the brainchild of the Managing Director of Guinness Brewery Hugh Beaver in 1955, you’ll find an entry for most turns on a wave.

An obscure record, yeah, but currently held by Cristóbal de Col for 34 turns on a wave at Chicama in Peru, occasionally and lazily referenced as the world’s longest lefthander.

Held by dirty old Cristóbal that is until a few days ago when Puerto Rico’s Dylan Graves (whom you must never ask about old interviews where he said he liked to swish his long hair around women’s breasts, sometimes head-butts his friends when he’s boozed, and likes it “when girls aren’t afraid to let some dirty shit come out. I just like it when they say fuck”), uploading a video to YouTube where he triumphantly rides a five-minute long tidal wave in Indonesia, completing an astonishing forty turns, even throwing in a couple of quasi-airs for good measure.

“One of the funnest/longest rides I’ve ever had on a short board and it happened to have 7 identical twins,” writes Graves. “Recently got to experience/ surf a tidal phenomenon in Indonesia known as the Bono to the locals or in the surf world as the 7 ghosts cause of a unique feature known as “whelps” that occur in undular tidal bores when a tidal wave front is followed by secondary waves known as whelps. In this case there are 7, hence the name 7 ghosts.”

Graves, who is thirty-seven, has submitted the ride to the Guinness people and is awaiting confirmation of his astonishing feat.

A slick edit of the event is in the works, says Dylan, which promises to be “even better than an excellent milkshake served by a happy fat waitress.”


On eve of Bells Beach Pro, John John Florence releases stunning ode to Victoria’s Great Ocean Road, “Everything can happen here. Even the miracle of becoming loved again.”

“I feel fresh and clean, ready to fly up to paradise!”

As the oldest sibling in the Florence triumvirate, John John would always jump out of bed first, his heart beating fast and his mouth wet with the desire to do good.

He is a driven man and at almost thirty-one and with two world titles strapped around his waist, the self-confessed “prisoner of danger” can lay claim to being the best surfer in the world.

On the eve of his return to Australia for the Bells Beach Pro, which is proudly supported by discount camping retailer Kathmandu, John John has released an eighteen-minute ode to the Great Ocean Road, the cord of bitumen that wraps the Southern Ocean from Torquay to Allansford.

It’s true what they say about the Great Ocean Road, “Everything can happen here. Even the miracle of becoming loved again.”

An essential watch for those who enjoy their personality profiles rare or medium cooked.