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BeachGrit TV: Size is the Enemy of Cool!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

The surf industry is dying, says Michael Tomson! But he knows how to revive it!

Welcome back, dear enthusiast, to our second installment of BeachGrit TV’s Like Bitchin! Its poor production value matched only by its lack of host talent.

But who needs a host when you’ve got Matt Biolos? Not us.

Did you like when he dipped those surfboards in his halved water heater? Did you laugh when we went to a Donald Trump for President rally together and slapped minorities? It was a good time.

And I will tell you with complete certainty that a host, even as skilled as Ellen DeGeneres would fall totally flat next to our next shining star. If you are unfamiliar with Michael Tomson’s legacy please take the time to read Matt Warshaw’s post in the Encyclopedia of Surfing. It begins…

Forceful, articulate, self-destructive pro surfer and surfwear entrepreneur, originally from Durban, South Africa; world-ranked #5 in 1976; the founder of Gotcha. Tomson was born (1954) and raised in Durban, and began surfing at age 10, along with his younger cousin and future world champion Shaun Tomson.

And is very well-written but can’t match actually being in a room with South Africa’s Greatest Export (Besides Diamonds and …. Gold)™.

MT is kinetic. A complete experience and the stories he has saved in his razorblade brain could melt the paint off most walls. Interesting? The most!

After reading Warshaw’s work you’ll know he surfed professionally, founded Gotcha, sold it to Perry Ellis and called it a “whore,” founded MCD, sold it etc. but what fascinates me more is his finger on today’s pulse. He knows why our surf industry is dying. He knows how to revive it. He knows what’s next.

And so, I humbly invite you to sit down and enjoy a few minutes with the one, the only Michael Tomson.

Buy: Bill Cosby + White Devil Surf Trunks!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Monochrome slim-line surf trunks for… 50 dollars! Delivered anywhere in the world! 

A few months ago, BeachGrit threw live a new range of colourful surf trunks. 

As explained previously, we figured it’d make sense to leverage our design contacts, in our case the award-winning Rama McCabe from Banks, to make our surf trunks. Chas and I had both fallen into the hole of buying Orlebar Browns and whatever else, just so we could wear something a little slimmer,  little shorter.

But who wants to spend two or three c-notes on a pair of trunks?

For this year’s ranges, we went slightly shorter, slightly slimmer and instead of cotton figured we’d swing with nylon. Still with the four-button fly and the back pocket and the inner lining.

Fifty bucks, delivered airmail anywhere in the world.

And only in 31s and 32s. (Ignore that little drop-down menu.)

And, now, the same trunks but available in easy-to-wear Bill Cosby black and easy-to-hate White Devil White!

Buy here! 

 

Kolohe: “Filipe is Charles Manson!”

Rory Parker

by Rory Parker

"And," adds Kolohe, " If you're not in love with Filipe's full rotations, you're blind!"

Memorial day weekend here in the greatest country that’s ever existed. Banks are closed on Monday in honor of dead soldiers. People are gonna barbecue and get drunk.

Heard a radio ad in the car today. Some sort of sale in honor of the troops who “died for our freedom.” Really Christian concept. Pretty hard for me to swallow.

Atavist magazine has a very interesting article about a Chinese billionaire who tried to make a blockbuster film. Indulgent passion project, multiple director changes, an incomprehensible script. Hollywood types who thought their big break had come.

It’s crazy how Bethany Hamilton just torques her head and neck to make up the being short one arm. I can understand why she’s such an inspirational figure.

I recently watched a neat documentary about the use of “spin” during the ’92 presidential elections. Assembled using footage recorded from network satellite feeds, there are some fascinating candid moments when powerful types forget they’re on camera. Watching Larry King chat with George Bush the Firsts about the latters love of pharmaceuticals is lovely. Overall the message is kind of garbled, but it’s worth watching for the content rather than the whole.

I put a lot of effort into training my dog. Not to do stupid tricks and shit like that. Just so he’s obedient and friendly and isn’t super obnoxious. But I think it’s really funny when he sneaks up on sleeping people at the beach. They’re just zoning in the sun, not a care in the world, then some shocking cold wet snout gets jammed in their face. I pretend to be contrite and scold him but my body language is pure encouragement.

Same deal when he runs through people’s stuff. Total dick move but he’s a cute as hell french bulldog so no one gets upset. And it keeps him occupied so I can swim. Little idiot loves the ocean but has the swimming ability of a brick.

Derek sent me this WSL produced Flying Llama bio. Andino the younger compares Toledo’s ability to Charles Manson. Email header read “this is so you.”

I’m not really sure what he meant by that. I like the clip. The WSL should be pumping these out on the regular. Make for great downtime footage during slow moments. Give the chatterboxes a chance to catch their breath rather than ramble on and on and on.

Just in: Amputee beats Tyler Wright!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

One healthy motherfucking bicep straight outta Kauai! Bethany Hamilton! Yes!

Ain’t Tyler Wright just the future of surfing? Such power! So thighs! Except do you want to know what trumps thighs? One healthy motherfucking bicep straight outta Kauai.

Bethany Hamilton!

I’ve spent more time with Bethany than would be common. We hung out at the Presidential Prayer Breakfast, for example. And ummmm Oceanside. And while her public thing may slightly annoy she is fierce when Obama is sitting next to her and rages a wave.

Cloudbreak!

I’ve spent more time with Bethany than would be common. We hung out at the Presidential Prayer Breakfast, for example. And ummmm Oceanside. And while her public thing may slightly annoy she is fierce when Obama is sitting next to her and rages a wave.

Can you believe it? Just watch her. Watch her tear the heart out of the future of surfing with one arm digested in a shark who, if I recall, got caught by fishermen and hung. I don’t recall because I never watched Soul Surfer.

In any case, I’m camping in the backyard of a  mega celebrity right now. Channing Tatum is here. Rockin bod but moon face!

Except do you want to know what trumps backyard mega celebrity camping? One motherfucking palmaris longus straight outta Lihue!

I’ve sat far away from everyone watching her on video. Watching her mock our shared expectations.

Big Wave Champ Didn’t Surf Cloudbreak!

Rory Parker

by Rory Parker

Rory Parker examines the consequences… 

Matt Rott’s got an interesting interview with Greg Long up on Magic Seaweed right now. Focuses on Long’s decision to play water safety during the recent Cloudbreak bomb day rather than surf. Very interesting stuff.

Beyond the subject matter, I think it’s damn neat that Rott paddled out himself that day. I don’t think I would have. I like big waves, but there’s a limit. I know a thing or two about holding my breath, if the surf can keep you submerged long enough to turn out the lights shit’s just too damn real.

Today I paddled out into small slop. Bobbed around the lineup like a potato for around an hour without catching a wave, took off on a chest high double up to go in. Tried to do an ollie into the flats. “Look at me I’m Mason Ho!”

Timed the landing to perfectly hit some oncoming backwash, cased my entire oafish frame into the deck of my board. Shit hurt. Buckled my nose. Sebastian Zietz was just inside pushing some little girl into waves. But he doesn’t know who I am, and I wasn’t about to introduce myself at that point.

Got me thinking about safety gear. How surfing doesn’t really have any. Don’t think a leash counts, that’s just there to save effort. Big-wave vests exist, but they’re for a different breed.

Gath helmets and nose guards exist, but no one really uses them.

Timed the landing to perfectly hit some oncoming backwash, cased my entire oafish frame into the deck of my board. Shit hurt. Buckled my nose. Sebastian Zietz was just inside pushing some little girl into waves. But he doesn’t know who I am, and I wasn’t about to introduce myself at that point.

It’s kind of surprising no one’s tried to market the equivalent of skate pads for surf. Seems pretty straightforward. Rash guard with padded elbows and shoulders. Board shorts with the same deal in the hips. They’d look damn kooky, for sure, but I could imagine using them at a shallow low tide reef. Like super small Rockies, when it’s breaking right on the inside ledge and straightening out puts you in six inches of water.

Most surfers’d be too cool to wear ’em, but I suspect non-surfing moms around the world would happily part with some ducats to keep their babies safe.

Even better, throw the same padding in a fullsuit, market it to beginners. You wouldn’t even have to build the damn things. Just toss a campaign onto a crowdfunding site then keep the money. Nothing wrong with separating chumps from their dough. Paying up front for a product that doesn’t exist is for idiots, people deserve whatever’s coming to them.

Just look at that bogus gill system morons threw millions at. Got shut down because it was physically impossible to create what they were claiming. Then they put it back up with a few new lies and the same retards lined up to pay again!

Since my wife won’t let me scam people in the internet the idea’s free for the taking.

(Here, Greg Long talks to Vice ’bout his Cortes Bank drowning…)