Many questions about a very shady deal.
Remember one year ago when the World Surf League signed an exclusive deal with Monster Energy drink to be the Official Energy Sponsor™ of Professional Surfing™? It cost a rumored $2,500,000.00! Red Bull hats were banned, rage was internalized, etc.
And that was that. I don’t recall seeing the Claw™ much on WSL broadcasts though either this year or last and part of me wonders if the deal was fake, like the amount of viewers that watch WSL webcasts. Or if the deal was contingent upon delivering actual eyeballs. Or, maybe, if Monster doesn’t care because because they bought something much more valuable than piddly little Internet numbers.
They bought THE SOUL OF SURFING!
Did you know that Monster Energy might be Satanic? Watch and learn just like Kelly Slater watched and learned about chemtrails!
And oh, you’ve read the Legend of Robert Johnson. You know that the Devil pokes around making strange deals for strange things. Would it be so wrong for him to want to own surfing? And what do you think, exactly, he got for 2.5 million dollars? Did he get all the announcers and Taj Burrow or does Taj get to opt out because he is retiring? Did he get the Red Bull athletes too? Did he have to take CEO Paul Speaker and Graham Stapelberg and was he all bummed, telling anyone who would listen, “Yeah I don’t know who those guys are…look! There’s Kelly!” Does Joe Turpel have to follow him around in hell doing play-by-play when he is not at events? “Satan gets on his throne and resets…”
Many questions.
I think this is the best thing I’ll ever read
every time i watch an event…
Amazing.
Nick Dee would have loved this article.
Please Chas, give the Devil a bit more credit. He has way better taste than this.
Besides, if Riverside megachurch trashcans aren’t filled to the brim with Monster cans, I’d be very surprised.
Oh for sure they are…
Nothing like 22 ounces of crack-syrup
Joe Turpel narrates purgatory, Pottz does the calls in hell. Truly terrifying.
Its almost like you fellows are at a loss for content. Take a look over at The Inertia, tons of cool stuff.
It’s also got a better layout and more insightful commenters. Whoever is moderating over there is doing a great job. Thank Brazilian Jesus there is a place I can go to comment without seeing awful swear words and racial slurs.
…are there comments on inertia?! my world’s safe again…
Does any one actually drink that piss? Last I checked having seizures in the line up never helped with catching more waves… but being possessed by the devil may lend to a more aggro approach, which could mean more waves.
I often vomit in the line up on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Something about paddling and coming down seems to give me a bit of indigestion. I’ve only had three seizures in my life and one was surfing. It wasn’t really a laughing matter but I can confirm that I was fucking frothing alright.
you’re on fire today!!
“You know that the Devil pokes around making strange deals for strange things. Would it be so wrong for him to want to own surfing?”
No, it is not so wrong for him to want to own surfing. He is very enticed by failed ventures and weird shit! This is the same guy who went down to Georgia to challenge a guy named Johnny (The Best There’s Ever Been!) to a fiddling contest, and lost!