Surfing is cruel! You'll feel lower than a truck-stop lizard, legs jerked over his neck by a long-hauler.
What a cruel master surfing is. One minute you’re Jesus-like in your ability to bestride the water (and with beard and hair!), the next you feel lower than a truck-stop lizard, legs jerked back over his neck by a moaning long-hauler. Suddenly, surfing is a drill blade twisting and hollowing you out!
But let me kiss those salty tears away. Here are the 11 reasons your surfing is…ah…well, the reason it sucks to high heaven. Me too! Let’s investigate.
1. Your stance is wrong
Your back foot is four inches too forward, the front foot equidistant too far back. The high-performance short board (with three fins) that you own has the twitchiest and least forgiving of dimensions and rocker. Unless that back foot is over the back fin, y’ain’t turning anytime soon. And if that front foot is too far back, which it is, you’re bulldozing water. Quick fix: spend the new few sessions deliberately jamming your back foot against the tail block of your tail-pad as you come into a turn. Don’t have a tail-pad? Buy one.
2. And therefore your surfboard is wrong
Unless you can fix your stance, you’ll need to get a four-finner. What’s the diff? You can turn even if that back foot is out of position and without the drogue of a middle fin, you’ll keep going on a wave even if you’ve outrun the pocket.
3. Positioning
Oh, this is the worst! Watch a pro-level surfer closely and you’ll discover they’re so rarely out on the face. The roundhouse cutback? It doesn’t exist in their repertoires. Meanwhile, we fly into oblivion, think, ‘wow, time to turn’ and inch our way back to the pocket. The great 80s surfer Tom Curren was trained never to look more than a metre along the wall. Quick fix: train yourself to think of the lip, and the pocket, as barrels of fuel. Each time you hit a lip you get a refill (speed). It’s a video game trick. But it works!
4. Forget litres and think rocker
We’re all so jacked-up on the volume of our surfboards we forget the most important element of a surfboard is its rocker. You might have the perfect width and thickness but if it’s all dressed up with a radical curve that doesn’t suit your surfing it’ll drain your confidence. Most of us need a very straight, very forgiving rocker. And with a forgiving, stable board comes confidence. With confidence comes…yeah… y’get it. Quick fix: take out your fins out and place your board on the ground. Is it mostly straight or does it jack up at the tail and the nose. If it’s curvy as hell, trade it in.
5. We don’t paddle hard enough
The best surfers in the world, even the supposedly chill ones, are maniacs when they see a wave. They kick their feet and they gouge their hands in the water and they don’t stop until their feet are in the wax. You and me, meanwhile, paddle like gimps and then hesitate in the lip and think (Hmmm…this takeoff looks kinda difficult… maybe if I just hang here in the lip and stabilise myself…) before eventually doin’ our jam. Quick fix: You see a wave, don’t think of anything or anyone else. It’s yours, so paddle, kick, and when you feel that tail lift, paddle a few more strokes, and kick straight to your feet. It’ll take a few sessions to lose that hesitation, but it is possible.
6. All those distractions!
Maybe you surf to connect with your pals, and that’s awesome, but if you want to take it to a slightly higher level, forget about ’em. Connect in the carpark, in the bar, or before you paddle out. Your goal is performance. You’re looking at the next wave and how it’s going to hit the bank. Head down, laying prone. Quick fix: don’t sit up on your board. Once you do, you’ll catch someone’s eye and out’ll come the meaningless conversation. Stay prone.
7. You think time has forsaken you!
Watch a net clip of a 10-year old-ripper. You might’ve been surfing for twice as long as this kid but he’s nailing backside air revs. What’s that mean? It means anything is possible and it’s possible in a very short period.
8. You’re in tag and release mode
Can you remember how awesome it was when you were a kid and you learned a new move? When was the last time you felt that? Instead we catch a bunch of waves, tag ’em to the beach, and go in relatively satisfied: we got some sun, talked to our pals and did enough exercise to burn off half a six-pack of suds. Instead, pick a turn (alley-oop, fin throw, whatever) and devote your entire surfing life to perfecting it. You’ll even dream about it. And then it’ll come as natural as that first time you hit the lip. And you’ll think, wow, the difference between a pro and me isn’t that wide. You’re wrong, of course.
9. The gulf between you and Reynolds is wide and and it’s insurmountable…
The very best surfers, Reynolds, Slater, Taj etc, do have a jazzmatazz that’s genetic. It’s a combination of athleticism, body type and neural spark that just… works. That’s it, of course. Nature ain’t too big on handing out multiple talents despite claims Kelly can sing. He can’t hold a note or a toon, poor devil. But he surf! And he surf the best!
10. There’s not enough pressure
Who’s going to push you when you’re a casual freesurfer? What imperative is there for you to land that air or complete that roundhouse? Quick fix: Enter contests. The spectre of embarrassment is enough to make even monstrous kooks land a jump occasionally.
11. You got into the game too late
Did you start surfing later in life? Well, uh, sorry, it ain’t going to get much better. This might contradict reason seven a little, but consensus among coaches is, unless you devoted that golden period of your life between 10 and 16 to nothing but catching waves, you’re never going to be have that instinctive touch in the water. Ain’t that a kick in the head!
Very stupid article.
Re: 11) Ben Aipa learned to surf when he was 23.