Tahiti was horribly, embarrassingly wrong

Is a Swiss manufacturer of budget plastic watches the new face of surfing rebellion?

And the greatest contest in professional surfing’s history just came to an end and while the athleticism was jaw-dropping everything else was horribly, embarrassingly wrong. Juxtaposed with the perfect setting, on the perfect day, the ASP’s NFL-lite product has never looked worse. And it is time to demand better.

I would not have felt qualified to demand except guess what I was doing while Teahupo’o was rolling? I was in Hossegor, France, calling the Swatch Girls’ Pro WQS 6 star event and Pro Juniors alongside Surf Europe editor Paul Evans. The surf never got over two feet but guess who had the best time ever?

We did! We cussed on air, I cussed at the judges on air, we got drunk on air and poked fun of everything while genuinely being impressed with a ridiculously high level of surfing in the shittest waves imaginable. And I hit a pregnant lady on the head with a golf ball. It was brilliant or Paul Evans was brilliant. I was a passable naughty sidekick and I would never have thought so but the girls have heats on demand too so I could go and watch it all and there are moments nothing shy of hilarity.

Or to quote Bethany Hamilton’s Twitter feed, “Sooo glad I didn’t go to France. Grovel and grind girls! But the announcers are amazing!”

Swatch, you see, wanted us to have fun. They laughed when we messed around. They egged us on. Guess who got upset? The ASP. We were routinely lectured about getting drunk on the event sponsor’s beer whilst in the booth.

Now, watching Teahupo’o, it is so clear that the panelists and announcers are under brain-melting, top down pressure. They sit behind the strangest desk in semi-coordinated Hawaiian shirts being stiff and weird. So stiff, in fact, that Strider Wasilewski can no longer even move his neck. All of them look uncomfortable and the product is simply embarrassing. No one says anything funny, interesting, controversial. I don’t blame Joe Turpel or Ross Williams (rumour has it that the announcers haven’t been paid in months). I blame the ASP. In trying to create a “professional” look/feel, the organisation forgot the things that make surfing truly great. It is fun! And totally ridiculous! And not serious! Yes, a Swiss watch company is far, far more rebellious than the ASP and that is a rotten shame.

All, though, can be remedied. Swatch swings in to Southern California as title sponsor of the girls’ CT event at Trestles. If the ASP feels like getting fun again, I will gladly hop into the booth. I guarantee Graham Stapelberg will smile from ear to ear.

Taste Chas (and Paul’s) confiture here!