The purest of Chinese cotton (picked by smiling chilluns with bales on their backs!) melded into a slim-fitting tee. Such summer! | Photo: Richard Freeman

Buy: Ultra Hard Surf Candy Summer Tee!

By Derek Rielly

10 years ago

This summer tee will jazz you up in a perpetual orgy of esoteric bliss…

Ultra Hard Surf Candy. Now don’t that have a ring to it! This sleeveless t-shirt (in basic black only) is decorated with art from the noted Paul McNeil, celebrated, lately, for his work in setting up The Art Park, a gallery-artist’s residency in Byron Bay, Australia.

This is a t-shirt for the motivated and the driven, for the highest type of male and female sexual identities. It is the t-shirt that worships the physical prowess of its wearer, amplifying, paradoxically, super-masculinity and ultra-femininity.

If you’re too lazy to take a bath and too stingy to buy a haircut this summer tee will jazz you up in a perpetual orgy of esoteric bliss.

One hundred per cent cotton (natch) and of the slimmest cut.

It ain’t short in length, either, so cut it (raw edge!) if that’s your thing. Don’t be a prisoner of your frigidity!

Click here to buy!

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Short in the leg, a button fly (all buttons have custom BeachGrit-Rama McCabe detail) and a lining so maybe you don't rash so much…

SOLD OUT! Superlative Black Virgin Mary Surf Trunks!

By Derek Rielly

10 years ago

Everyone's talking about these new surf trunks by Rama McCabe for BeachGrit! Classy! (New stock coming soon!)

BeachGrit places a great deal of emphasis on surf trunks. We believe that a pair of trunks must be flattering, a little sophisticated, has some edge and follows these design principles:

1. It is made from the softest cotton. Nylon is so… retro-future don’t you think? Oh, it doesn’t dry as fast? Do you really care enough to wear the same material factories use to manufacture tents?

2. The leg is short. Do you really desire a muumuu?

3. Button flies. With custom buttons. Velcro catches, zips corrode and threaten your vitals. Buttons? A little extra work, at times, but as reliable as the continual victory of capitalistic democracy over facism.

4. It must be designed by the best in the biz, in this case, a Mr Rama McCabe, a Byron Bay-born surfer of impeccable style. How else can we be assured of the perfect silhouette and detail?

Want ’em? Click here!

Size-wise, they come in 28″, 30″, 31″, 32″ and 34″ waists. Fits true to size, maybe a little big even. (Forget the size button, email: [email protected] your size.)

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What was Kolohe's reaction to CJ calling his barrel-to-oop in Portugal the "best wave ever ridden"? "Ha ha. Thanks so much man. Nothing compares to that 15-foot-plus Chopes wave you got…" | Photo: Ryan Miller

Opinion: “This is the best wave ever ridden,” says CJ Hobgood

By Derek Rielly

10 years ago

A barrel-to-alley-oop combo might just be the most complete ride. Ever.

A couple of months back we lost our minds over Kelly’s rote-and-a-half in Portugal.

Mental? Yes it was.

But while all eyes and commentary were on Kelly’s move, something easy to get your head around (High! Spin!), a few hours earlier, Kolohe had completed what the 2001 world champ CJ Hobgood is calling the “best wave ever ridden.”

On IG this morn, he wrote:

Yes @kellyslater ‘s 720 a few miles down the road and hours later was better and Yes there’s been heavier, deeper barrels ridden.HOWEVER if getting a barrel in surfing is the ultimate experience and next in line would be an air. I have never seen a better barrel and bigger air combo on the same wave. My answer is yes and what wave is next in line for best combo if this is número uno?

An opinion! Who has opinions these days! BeachGrit called CJ in Orlando, Florida, where he was recovering from nerve surgery in his arm, to get a little elaboration.

And CJ, still only 35 (a year younger than Taj, seven under Kelly), and who’ll probs get the injury wildcard for 2015 if he wants it, ain’t afraid to jam.

“I’ve been racking my brain and I can’t think of another combo as good,” he says of a barrel-to-alley-oop combo that features on the cover of the latest issue of Surfing magazine.

“People have said there’s been a couple of Dane combos but that’s it.”

CJ says that there had been plenty of chatter about raising the performance bar prior to Kolohe’s combo. Like, what would happen if John John or Julian had wrapped up their soaring alley-oops with something else, a combo like nothing else ever seen?

After the photographer Ryan Miller caught the wave on stills and …Lost filmer Noah Alani (angle one) and Blake Kueny (angle two) had it safe on a RED cam, there were round-table discussions between photographers, surfers and journalists.

Like, how good is that wave?

“I think it’s the gnarliest wave ever ridden,” says CJ. “I didn’t see people comprehending the magnitude of what went down. On Instagram, I wanted to shine some light on the sheer magnitude of what I thought went down.”

If a barrel-to-oop is the best wave in history, what next? Three hammers?

“It’d be hard to get your brain into another manoeuvre after two,” says CJ. “You could tell that when Brother was done his brain was… warped. It was wow… and wow. You have to contain a high level of focus for that level of time and not be stoked with what you’ve already pulled. You’d have to prepare your brain for sure.”

CJ adds, “It was a watershed moment for surfing.”

Kolohe’ll be releasing a 25-minute film next July and it’ll have the two angles of the wave. Can you wait?

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I like to pump, you like to pump, Dusty likes to pump. Let's sing it to the world! | Photo: ASP/Cestari

Candid: “I just love to pump!” says Dusty Payne

By Derek Rielly

10 years ago

Newly anointed World Surf League surfer Dusty Payne and the joys (supermodels) and not-joys of sex (ass)…

It’s a Christmas miracle. A Hanukkah gift! The red-headed surfer from Maui whose Lost Atlas Mexico section influenced every surfer from Dane Reynolds and beyond has qualified for the WSL. Dusty won the Reef Pro (Haleiwa) and finished second at Sunset (Vans World Cup) and rocketed form 24th to number 10.

Who knows what he’ll do at Pipe! Maybe a world-title spoiler! Either way, he’s a sure thing for the Triple Crown.

Dusty, who is 25 now but will turn 26 just two days after Christmas, embodies enthusiasm. It’s in his surfing, it’s in the way he shoos away writers, it’s in the way he administers and operates his sex organs.

Let’s talk!

The little virgin boy

I was 17 years old and still in high school. The chick was older, 31 actually, just this old badger cruising around home. I lasted about a second. It went down in this car park at this spot we all used to hang at. I thought she was pretty damn hot. But I was 17 and she was my first chick.

Potential lovers

Can I say this? I’m more into intelligent chicks. I can’t deal with stupid chicks. If they’re super dumb it’s a major turn off. I like people with a good head on their shoulders. Everyone likes a good body. With a head like mine, I can’t be picky but given the choice between a curvy Latino and the model, I’d take the model.

Dating

I swear, I’ve never been on a proper serious date. I don’t know what to do.

Older women

Older chicks are cool. Young chicks can be so immature sometimes. Older chicks are straight to business.

Partners (how many)

I dunno. (More than 10?) I hope so. (More than 20?) I hope so. (More than 30?) I dunno, I haven’t kept count. It’s a good thing if you don’t keep count because then you’ll be disgusted in yourself.

Most erotic dream

I haven’t had one since I was young. I have the funniest story though. I was in the Mentawais with Granger (Larsen), (Mitch) Coleborn, Michel Bourez and Tanner Gudauskus or someone. There were three beds. Mitch was on one side, Granger in the middle and Michel on the other. Granger wakes up in the morning all rattled and I’m, like, “Fuck dude, what happened?”

He says, “Fuck. I had two wet dreams last night.” How do you have two wet dreams when you’re sleeping between two guys?

Sexual fantasy

Having a supermodel after me. Just some rig walking up to me and being, “Yeah, come and talk to me.” I dream about it but it never happens.

Frank talk

Not really into it because I think the phone is tapped or there might be another chick on the line. In the flesh, it just sounds ridiculous and cheesy.

Signature

I just love to pump. Enthusiasm and energy in the sack is my trademark.

How does casual sex differ to relationship sex?

I’ve never had a relationship, so I don’t know.

Fake titties

They look good. I’m a fan, but real is better.

Sex toys

I don’t have any and I’ve never used one. No chick has ever pulled one out. If a chick did, I’d be kinda rattled, like, “I’m not good enough?”

Do you enjoy sex games that include asphyxiation and sadism?

I’ve had chicks screaming and scratching my back. Nothing too wild. I wasn’t into it. It hurt.

Contraception? Bring your own or the pill?

Always. Keep it safe, kids.

Anal

I’ve never been there. Why would god put a sewer so close to a playground? I’m definitely curious but I’ve never tried.

Bald or hirsute

Shave it up. Who wants to deal with a jungle?

Best time for sex

Whenever. It’s always a good time. Maybe not before a heat because you’ll get noodle legs. You’ll be too relaxed.

Threesomes

Never… Maybe if it was my best friend. Put into print that I would only do it if it was with Granger (Larsen).

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"Well what happened to having FUN?" writes Chas Smith. "What is so wrong about a letting the good times roll? About getting up on stage and just...just...given' 'er hell? It seems like Dion is doing just fine sans Xanax but everyone else (especially at Australia's Surfing Life) should take at least two and calm down."

Candid: Piety is the death of surfing!

By Chas Smith

10 years ago

What happened to having FUN? About getting up on stage and just...just...given' 'er hell?

Piety is the death of surfing. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it one thousand times and this damned conservatism, this cursed pharisaical golem has reared its ugly head once again, today staring mealy eyes and wagging a crooked judgmental finger toward Dion Agius and the rest of the Globe crew.

“Xanax?” it gasps, completely horrified. “Fuck the WSL?” it shrieks, less horrified but more rudely dismissive.

Well what happened to having FUN? What is so wrong about a letting the good times roll? About getting up on stage and just…just…given’ ‘er hell? It seems like Dion is doing just fine sans Xanax but everyone else (especially at Australia’s Surfing Life. Click here to read.) should take at least two and calm down.

And now let’s speak to Noa Deane’s exuberance. There the cherubic Australian stood, gazing out at a roomful of industry types. What is the first thing that springs to his mind? Fuck the WSL! He don’t like it. And the Hawaiian locals, numbers paired from 16 down to two don’t like it either. He shouted for them. He shouted for their children and their children’s children and I hope to see him in Da Hui soon.

There should be no gripes from any of surfing’s disparate corners. No tsk-tsking at all.

And if you have a gripe? Email Graham Stapelberg’s bodyguard at [email protected]. It is a bit harder getting to G these days but with enough persistence and enough moral outrage I’m certain you’ll find a way.

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