Dane Reynolds and Kelly Slater portrait
Let's classify Dane Reynolds and Kelly Slater. Dane is a type three and four, conforming to Chas Smith's script that a man can only be a maximum of two types. But Kelly? He is types one, four, five, and seven. A quadroon! | Photo: Morgan Maassen

What kind of man are you?

Are Dane Reynolds and Kelly Slater quadroons or simple mulattos? Chas Smith attempts to classify!

There are seven types of men. Only seven. And each man is one of these types or a mix of two of these types. Never three.

Type 1 (clown)

He wears baggy clown-like pants and a baggy t-shirt and a backward baseball cap. He drinks beer and after three gets extremely loud. He gets so loud that people move away from him, perceptibly. He wears a thick gold chain and he loves to watch mixed martial arts and his friends are all clowns too. He surfs during summer vacation and exchanges his thick gold chain for a shell necklace.

Type 2 (afraid)

He is timid and too thin or too fat. His voice is quiet and he doesn’t have an opinion on many things or he changes his opinion at the drop of a hat. He doesn’t drive a car because of potential car accidents. He doesn’t fly. He works at the local fussy coffee spot. He once had a girlfriend but that was twenty years ago when he was ten. He is allergic to gluten. He believes in global warming and the powerful stage presence of Ryan Gosling.

Type 3 (weird, predom: Dane Reynolds)

He loves horror movies. He listens to Henry Rollins spoken word albums on vinyl. He obsesses about linux and other internet technologies. He has a girlfriend who wears vinyl pants. He has a pet rat. His mother loved him too much and his father not enough. Early in life he believed his superior intellect would take him places in this life. When it only took him to a clerk job at a camera store it made him hate all those in positions of power. It also made him snide. He has never fought a man. He has slapped a woman.

Type 4 (jock, predom: Kelly Slater)

He is a jock, handsome with good bone structure and muscles that will turn a bit doughy if he doesn’t stay on top of a severe workout regime. He surfs very jocky on his board. Like he expects hurricane-force gales to knock him over. Girls are drawn to his handsome and his muscles and his friendly personality. He laughs at sitcoms. He is the anchor of modern man.

Type 5 (ethnic)

He is from Africa, Asia, Sub-Asia, South America, Central America, Mexico, the Middle East. He likes some sort of string-based/horn-based music that makes no sense. He is just passing time and enjoying the little things like grilled meat.

Type 6 (asshole)

Does many things on purpose to push the buttons of those around him. He dresses like an asshole and talks like one too. If a beautiful girl sitting in his company tells him that he is rude he takes a drag of his cigarette and blows smoke in her face. He was not attractive as a child but became attractive later in life. He goes to bed each night feeling smug about himself.

Type 7 (self-hating handsome)

He was born handsome and grew handsome and is still handsome but he has no other skill. Nothing. He is a model or a waiter or personal assistant. He can’t do anything well but is handsome so hates himself because he knows he can’t do anything well. He was too handsome, as a young person, to be weird so he feels perpetually removed from humanity. He curses his fate and others look at him and wonder, “What the hell is he doing?” He wonders as well but comforts himself in the arms of beautiful women but then hates himself for doing so.

Common mixes. 

Successful artist (weird-asshole)

Construction worker (Dane Reynolds-ethnic)

Businessman (afraid-asshole)

Actor (self-hating handsome-asshole)

Clothing designer (afraid-asshole)

Cell phone salesman (weird-afraid)


Black Ultra Hard Surf Candy t-shirt by BeachGrit
The purest of Chinese cotton (picked by smiling chilluns with bales on their backs!) melded into a slim-fitting tee. Such summer! | Photo: Richard Freeman

Buy: Ultra Hard Surf Candy Summer Tee!

This summer tee will jazz you up in a perpetual orgy of esoteric bliss… 

Ultra Hard Surf Candy. Now don’t that have a ring to it! This sleeveless t-shirt (in basic black only) is decorated with art from the noted Paul McNeil, celebrated, lately, for his work in setting up The Art Park, a gallery-artist’s residency in Byron Bay, Australia.

This is a t-shirt for the motivated and the driven, for the highest type of male and female sexual identities. It is the t-shirt that worships the physical prowess of its wearer, amplifying, paradoxically, super-masculinity and ultra-femininity.

If you’re too lazy to take a bath and too stingy to buy a haircut this summer tee will jazz you up in a perpetual orgy of esoteric bliss.

One hundred per cent cotton (natch) and of the slimmest cut.

It ain’t short in length, either, so cut it (raw edge!) if that’s your thing.  Don’t be a prisoner of your frigidity!

Click here to buy! 


Front of Beach Grit surf trunks
Short in the leg, a button fly (all buttons have custom BeachGrit-Rama McCabe detail) and a lining so maybe you don't rash so much… 

SOLD OUT! Superlative Black Virgin Mary Surf Trunks!

Everyone's talking about these new surf trunks by Rama McCabe for BeachGrit! Classy! (New stock coming soon!)

BeachGrit places a great deal of emphasis on surf trunks. We believe that a pair of trunks must be flattering, a little sophisticated, has some edge and follows these design principles:

1. It is made from the softest cotton. Nylon is so… retro-future don’t you think? Oh, it doesn’t dry as fast? Do you really care enough to wear the same material factories use to manufacture tents?

2. The leg is short. Do you really desire a muumuu?

3. Button flies. With custom buttons. Velcro catches, zips corrode and threaten your vitals. Buttons? A little extra work, at times, but as reliable as the continual victory of capitalistic democracy over facism.

4. It must be designed by the best in the biz, in this case, a Mr Rama McCabe, a Byron Bay-born surfer of impeccable style. How else can we be assured of the perfect silhouette and detail?

Want ’em? Click here!

Size-wise, they come in 28″, 30″, 31″, 32″ and 34″ waists. Fits true to size, maybe a little big even. (Forget the size button, email: [email protected] your size.)

Kolohe Andino with Surfing magazine cover
What was Kolohe's reaction to CJ calling his barrel-to-oop in Portugal the "best wave ever ridden"? "Ha ha. Thanks so much man. Nothing compares to that 15-foot-plus Chopes wave you got…" | Photo: Ryan Miller

Opinion: “This is the best wave ever ridden,” says CJ Hobgood

A barrel-to-alley-oop combo might just be the most complete ride. Ever.

A couple of months back we lost our minds over Kelly’s rote-and-a-half in Portugal. 

Mental? Yes it was.

But while all eyes and commentary were on Kelly’s move, something easy to get your head around (High! Spin!), a few hours earlier, Kolohe had completed what the 2001 world champ CJ Hobgood is calling the “best wave ever ridden.”

On IG this morn, he wrote:

Yes @kellyslater ‘s 720 a few miles down the road and hours later was better and Yes there’s been heavier, deeper barrels ridden.HOWEVER if getting a barrel in surfing is the ultimate experience and next in line would be an air. I have never seen a better barrel and bigger air combo on the same wave. My answer is yes and what wave is next in line for best combo if this is número uno? 

An opinion! Who has opinions these days! BeachGrit called CJ in Orlando, Florida, where he was recovering from nerve surgery in his arm, to get a little elaboration.

And CJ, still only 35 (a year younger than Taj, seven under Kelly), and who’ll probs get the injury wildcard for 2015 if he wants it, ain’t afraid to jam.

“I’ve been racking my brain and I can’t think of another combo as good,” he says of a barrel-to-alley-oop combo that features on the cover of the latest issue of Surfing magazine. 

“People have said there’s been a couple of Dane combos but that’s it.”

CJ says that there had been plenty of chatter about raising the performance bar prior to Kolohe’s combo. Like, what would happen if John John or Julian had wrapped up their soaring alley-oops with something else, a combo like nothing else ever seen?

After the photographer Ryan Miller caught the wave on stills and …Lost  filmer Noah Alani (angle one) and Blake Kueny (angle two) had it safe on a RED cam, there were round-table discussions between photographers, surfers and journalists.

Like, how good is that wave? 

“I think it’s the gnarliest wave ever ridden,” says CJ. “I didn’t see people comprehending the magnitude of what went down. On Instagram, I wanted to shine some light on the sheer magnitude of what I thought went down.”

If a barrel-to-oop is the best wave in history, what next? Three hammers?

“It’d be hard to get your brain into another manoeuvre after two,” says CJ. “You could tell that when Brother was done his brain was… warped. It was wow… and wow. You have to contain a high level of focus for that level of time and not be stoked with what you’ve already pulled. You’d have to prepare your brain for sure.”

CJ adds, “It was a watershed moment for surfing.”

Kolohe’ll be releasing a 25-minute film next July and it’ll have the two angles of the wave. Can you wait?


Dusty Payne wins Reef Pro
I like to pump, you like to pump, Dusty likes to pump. Let's sing it to the world! | Photo: ASP/Cestari

Candid: “I just love to pump!” says Dusty Payne

Newly anointed World Surf League surfer Dusty Payne and the joys (supermodels) and not-joys of sex (ass)…

It’s a Christmas miracle. A Hanukkah gift! The red-headed surfer from Maui whose Lost Atlas Mexico section influenced every surfer from Dane Reynolds and beyond has qualified for the WSL. Dusty won the Reef Pro (Haleiwa) and finished second at Sunset (Vans World Cup) and rocketed form 24th to number 10.

Who knows what he’ll do at Pipe! Maybe a world-title spoiler! Either way, he’s a sure thing for the Triple Crown.

Dusty, who is 25 now but will turn 26 just two days after Christmas, embodies enthusiasm. It’s in his surfing, it’s in the way he shoos away writers, it’s in the way he administers and operates his sex organs.

Let’s talk!

The little virgin boy

I was 17 years old and still in high school. The chick was older, 31 actually, just this old badger cruising around home. I lasted about a second. It went down in this car park at this spot we all used to hang at. I thought she was pretty damn hot. But I was 17 and she was my first chick.

Potential lovers

Can I say this? I’m more into intelligent chicks. I can’t deal with stupid chicks. If they’re super dumb it’s a major turn off. I like people with a good head on their shoulders. Everyone likes a good body. With a head like mine, I can’t be picky but given the choice between a curvy Latino and the model, I’d take the model.


I swear, I’ve never been on a proper serious date. I don’t know what to do.

Older women

Older chicks are cool. Young chicks can be so immature sometimes. Older chicks are straight to business.

Partners (how many)

I dunno.  (More than 10?) I hope so. (More than 20?) I hope so. (More than 30?) I dunno, I haven’t kept count. It’s a good thing if you don’t keep count because then you’ll be disgusted in yourself.

Most erotic dream

I haven’t had one since I was young. I have the funniest story though. I was in the Mentawais with Granger (Larsen), (Mitch) Coleborn, Michel Bourez and Tanner Gudauskus or someone. There were three beds. Mitch was on one side, Granger in the middle and Michel on the other. Granger wakes up in the morning all rattled and I’m, like, “Fuck dude, what happened?”

He says, “Fuck. I had two wet dreams last night.” How do you have two wet dreams when you’re sleeping between two guys?

Sexual fantasy

Having a supermodel after me. Just some rig walking up to me and being, “Yeah, come and talk to me.” I dream about it but it never happens.

Frank talk

Not really into it because I think the phone is tapped or there might be another chick on the line. In the flesh, it just sounds ridiculous and cheesy.


I just love to pump. Enthusiasm and energy in the sack is my trademark.

How does casual sex differ to relationship sex?

I’ve never had a relationship, so I don’t know.

Fake titties

They look good. I’m a fan, but real is better.

Sex toys

I don’t have any and I’ve never used one. No chick has ever pulled one out. If a chick did, I’d be kinda rattled, like, “I’m not good enough?”

Do you enjoy sex games that include asphyxiation and sadism?

I’ve had chicks screaming and scratching my back. Nothing too wild. I wasn’t into it. It hurt.

Contraception? Bring your own or the pill?

Always. Keep it safe, kids.


I’ve never been there. Why would god put a sewer so close to a playground? I’m definitely curious but I’ve never tried.

Bald or hirsute 

Shave it up. Who wants to deal with a jungle?

Best time for sex

Whenever. It’s always a good time. Maybe not before a heat because you’ll get noodle legs. You’ll be too relaxed.


Never… Maybe if it was my best friend. Put into print that I would only do it if it was with Granger (Larsen).