The Santa Barbara surfer and star of Cluster reads a comedic piece called I Will Slap You…
To find Conner Coffin, who is currently embedded on the Qualifying Series, the intrepid journalist must foray into the wilds of Newcastle, a regional centre two hours north of Sydney. Outside hotels with names like West End Accommodation barefooted women of fantastic builds share cigarettes and noisy curses; in the cliff-top carpark that I use to find my geographical markers (Dixon Park is… that way!), the lovers in the P-Plated Daewoo share a colourfully painted bong.
And, therefore, when Conner is found in the beachfront apartment that he is sharing with his brother Parker, another surfer of Tahitian good looks but whose name slipped me by and his filmer Ryan Perry, the first thing I say is, “Man, this is a bleak town!”
“Oh, we love it,” says Parker. “The girls!”
“And there’s waves every day,” says Conner.
Positivity! I should try a little of it sometime.
The piece I asked Conner to read is by Colin Jost called I Will Slap You. It appears in the February 9, 2015 issue.
“Did you choose this piece because you want me to slap someone?” he asks.
I reply that I enjoy the comedic meter of the piece.
“I slapped Tom Carey once,” says Conner.
“Good!”
When are we going to hear Noa’s views on the Bali nine executions? Or Jack Freestone’s analysis of IS and the said group’s expansion into Libya? What does it mean for Italy? Will Leo Fioravanti tell us? And does Coleborn agree on offshore processing centres if it acts as a deterrent?
Noa is actually a really nice kid, humble in the surf. I think he would have the ability to form an opinion on current events. Jack goes about his business in a fairly low key manner but I can’t see political relations being a priority for him. Leo is multilingual and very well travelled so may well have some thoughts on such events although he has been in the pro surfing bubble for a good part of his formative years and as a result may have been dumbed down by this. Coleburn I couldn’t make a guess either way (poker face?)
Since you were asking I am really uncomfortable with the thought of executions, I can’t fathom being able to do it and I can’t imagine the horror of waiting and the helplessness families must feel as a life is taken by government order. Seems unnecessary.
IS are just fucked, they are straight up crooks, the thugs that travel from Australia etc to join are just people who want to hurt people, if they weren’t in Syria or wherever the fuck they would be in Western Sydney carrying handguns and raping women. In this case life taken by government order seems necessary.
Fucking hypocrite.
I would like to think some of them (other than Kelly) would have opinions.
The waiting to die part would be excruciating, the idea of having your throat slit even worse. I’ve killed a few larger mammals living out west and the noise that occurs when you slice open the windpipe is unsettling.
As for capital punishment, I’m a big fan of justice being restorative and based on rehabilitation, not punitive.
IS? It’s a tough one philosophically for me. I don’t believe in the concept of ‘just war’ as it is usually used by those controlling the dominant narrative to subdue the weaker. However, IS just offend me on so many levels that I don’t really care about the ethics of the war. But then I feel the slightly uneasy about being caught up in the dominant narrative on this one. As an alternative discourse though, IS is pretty rank.
I guess I am more interested in the state formation process, or how a caliphate cohesively operates when it is squeezed. Though ultimately, I’m guessing that the incoherent viciousness of IS will be it’s down fall. Like that of the French revolution, it will tire itself out and bring about its own destruction. That and its subjugated populace will only take so much.
Maybe I’ll just ask Ric his views on Gareth Morgan’s view of The Treaty and Maori sovereignty instead of IS.
I think you could find employment giving policy advice to Governments MMCS. Your opinions are no doubt based on genuine research and for that I shall hold them in higher regard than my own having been formed from a patchwork of information/misinformation scattered birdseed like over the internet.
Having been away from NZ for some years now I am out of touch with the political landscape and unaware of Mr Morgan’s views in regard to Government relations with Tangata Whenua. What I can offer opinion on is Mr Morgan’s architectural views, having his summer residence in my home town, which I believe he purchased from a developer sunk by the leaky home saga using funds from his share in Trade Me, Mr Morgan saw fit to replace two large timber (weathered cedar if I’m not mistaken) privacy doors with some sort of laser cut metal ones. Adding this fussy design element has added a harshness and dare I say it tackiness to a once magnificent building that readily acknowledged its sense of place, so important given it is sited on an iconic piece of land.
New Zealand architecture is best done with honesty.
That does not surprise me in the slightest. He seems to like causing controversy while clinging to the tacky. His kill-all-the-cats campaign went down a treat while the whole time he dressed as though he was off to the RSA with Barry and Trevor to get drunk, then return home to beat his wife.
I assume the Mount is full of his type and architectural tastes? My only real experience of it was two hours of 4-5 foot weak and crowded surf in a setting that was as contrived as it’s inhabitants seemed to be that day. To which, I got immensely frustrated with and bolted to the Coro.
There’s a few holes in my analysis, which will haunt me all night and make Friday interesting through a lack of sleep.
Does I will slap you feature punctuation?
…none whatsoever… wait… yeah… But the boy’s voice, such a purple glow! As peaceful as lake water lapping at the shore!
It’s all in the readers interpretation I guess, and yes for the tranquillity, I was floating.
Ok I just gave reading it a go and to be honest it’s not an easy one to read aloud, you don’t know where to take the accent, trust me when I say it doesn’t work with a Kiwi one no matter how sharpened 9 years on this continent has left it, not to mention the pressure of an audience, nice try Connor, the boys threw you a curve ball.
I’m sure Sharon from Te Awamutu could make it sound worse Seaman: like she was nagging, screeching and whining all at once. Such is the lovely lilt of our country women’s voices.
And I’m positive they make an effort to step it up a notch while taking their annual holiday in Surfers Paradise, so proud bro.
All grace, class and sophistication.
The New Zealand accent is sharply underrated, melodious and with vowels so perfectly round.