"Does his wife, the very famous Scarlett Johansson, know island tricks like aloe and lime juice?"

Any surfer worth her salt knows that reef cuts can be worse than they appear, at first. Various coral naughtinesses are generally left in the wound and can quickly develop into dreaded staphylococcal infections unless quick action from Sam George’s ex-wife is taken.

You’ll certainly recall when Arizona’s Rick Kane made his way to Oahu’s North Shore wherein he became pounded, limped to the sand and might have died if not for the quick thinking of Kiani who rubbed aloe into his sores thereby saving his very life.

Romantic.

Back to funnyman Colin Jost, though. You also have, without doubt, been following the tragedy that befell NBC’s roving stringer when he kicked Tahiti’s deadly shoal. He seemed not to think much of it, initially, marching around in the dirt but then things got worse then worse then so badly that he was sent home from “the most dangerous place in the world.”

Since, his social medias have remained dark leaving fans extremely worried.

Does his wife, the very famous Scarlett Johansson, know island tricks like aloe and lime juice?

Unlikely as she was born and raised in New York City.

Jost’s last public interaction was a video posted to Instagram (RIP) featuring him getting pulled into a wave, on Tahiti, by the legendary Matahi Drollet. The regular foot fights the chop, riding to the end though it is unclear if this is the moment that led to his foot becoming eaten.

I have no doubt that Johansson has many resources, but if she needs Nia Peeples’ number, the aforementioned surf guru would be a great place to start.

Light a candle in the meantime, though?

But falls in love with the velvety pipes of Joe Turpel. "Let the immaculate vibes wash over you."

Surfing at these 2024 Paris Olympic Games was always going to create some new impression as our Sport of Queens broadened from a handful of addicts and derelicts to everyday folk. Though it has not broken through as might have been imagined, even on the day of days, a solid handful are experiencing televised competitive surfing for the very first time in their lives.

What, then, are their feelings, has a star been born and, if so, who?

Whilst our Jen See accurately described the “painfully authentic vision of what surfing actually looks like,” Luke Winkie, writing for left-leaning Slate, was left with entirely different reaction. Extremely sensual, in fact, and very much related to the smooth sounds of Joe Turpel.

The longtime voice of the World Surf League was cast as play-by-play announcer for US broadcast and appears to be turning first-time viewers all the way on.

Winkie describes his drone as “ASMR-like” and “totally conducive to a no-plans weeknight weed gummy.” The surf action, itself, as “peaceful, narcotizing, and relaxing.”

“We get to watch Olympians conquer the coastline with verve and creativity—disappearing into aquamarine tunnels of tumbling water,” he writes, “cresting the foamy tips—in a way that we never will. And afterward? They get to savor the best vacation anyone could ask for. That is the essence of competitive surfing: euphoria cut with a pang of melancholic wanderlust.”

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Though Winkie did admit the stakes in surfing are not… let’s just say as hot as Turpel’s velvety pipes as he writes it, “lacks the spleen-squeezing tension of, say, a dicey figure skating triple axel or a break point in tennis, and though that drama makes for good television, I do enjoy the chance to decompress and leave the competitive angst behind, at least for an hour or two.”

So, in summation:

Feelings good in creepy YouTube way, star Joe Turpel, competitive professional surfing never breaking through as real sport.

Soz, Dirk Ziff.

Also, an opportunity to get back on the ski and reset?

Double ahhhhhhhhhhh.