But falls in love with the velvety pipes of Joe Turpel. "Let the immaculate vibes wash over you."

Surfing at these 2024 Paris Olympic Games was always going to create some new impression as our Sport of Queens broadened from a handful of addicts and derelicts to everyday folk. Though it has not broken through as might have been imagined, even on the day of days, a solid handful are experiencing televised competitive surfing for the very first time in their lives.

What, then, are their feelings, has a star been born and, if so, who?

Whilst our Jen See accurately described the “painfully authentic vision of what surfing actually looks like,” Luke Winkie, writing for left-leaning Slate, was left with entirely different reaction. Extremely sensual, in fact, and very much related to the smooth sounds of Joe Turpel.

The longtime voice of the World Surf League was cast as play-by-play announcer for US broadcast and appears to be turning first-time viewers all the way on.

Winkie describes his drone as “ASMR-like” and “totally conducive to a no-plans weeknight weed gummy.” The surf action, itself, as “peaceful, narcotizing, and relaxing.”

“We get to watch Olympians conquer the coastline with verve and creativity—disappearing into aquamarine tunnels of tumbling water,” he writes, “cresting the foamy tips—in a way that we never will. And afterward? They get to savor the best vacation anyone could ask for. That is the essence of competitive surfing: euphoria cut with a pang of melancholic wanderlust.”

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Though Winkie did admit the stakes in surfing are not… let’s just say as hot as Turpel’s velvety pipes as he writes it, “lacks the spleen-squeezing tension of, say, a dicey figure skating triple axel or a break point in tennis, and though that drama makes for good television, I do enjoy the chance to decompress and leave the competitive angst behind, at least for an hour or two.”

So, in summation:

Feelings good in creepy YouTube way, star Joe Turpel, competitive professional surfing never breaking through as real sport.

Soz, Dirk Ziff.

Also, an opportunity to get back on the ski and reset?

Double ahhhhhhhhhhh.

A day that will live on... for a week or something.

"I don’t muck around mate.”

Though surfing shortboard did not break through at these Olympic Games, it was not without its moments. House Toledo roared into dominant control, Ricardo the Father paving the way for Filipe the Son to be crowned King of Teahupo’o by eliminating disent. His inspirational rule lasted a total of sixteen hours and then the waves got real.

Australia’s Jack Robinson was forced to scrub rising sun logos off his surfing shortboards after the South Korean delegation launched an official complaint.

Australia’s judge, Ben Lowe, was sent home after Brazil’s Pedro Scooby cried him a river, taking the tattered banner of House Toledo and flying it once more.

Most importantly, though, funnyman Colin Jost was forced to vacate his roving reporter position after stubbing his toes on the “most dangerous place in the world” and possibly developing an infection. The Mirror is reporting he has flown home to wife Scarlett Johansson and will be replaced by Australian weatherman Luke Bradnam.

“I did pretty well until the first wave, and then I ended up standing on the coral reef. Much like the coral reef safety expert, but without coral shoes on. So I got a little scraped up,” Jost said after the injury and then proceeded to march around barefoot in the dirt.

Reached for comment, Bradnam did not shirk from his new role, declaring, “I don’t muck around mate.”

It is unclear, at time of writing, if there is a picture of Bradnam standing next to other Australian surfers and/or coaches on social media leaving some to wonder if his time behind the mic may be cut short do a patented Brazilian storm of complaints.

More as the story develops.

"I went all in, and it didn’t work out but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.”

Olympic surfing shortboard has not yet concluded but the winner has already been announced. Honolulu’s Carissa Moore. The five-time world champion and former Olympic gold medalist stamped her place in history as “greatest surfer of all-time,” eclipsing Kelly Slater, with a pure class retirement announcement in Tahiti.

Moore, who fell out of competition after a loss to Johanne Defay in messy conditions, told the official Olympics organ, “Obviously, I wanted it so bad, I put everything I had into it and this year and at least I can hold my head up high and be proud of that. It’s definitely a letdown and a little bit of a frustration to not be able to showcase what I think I’ve really worked on this year but regardless I’ve had a great time. It will probably take a little while to process, but at the same time there are so many other things to look forward to and be grateful for.”

Later, she added, “I’ve always wanted to be that person that, no matter what, the result doesn’t define me. It doesn’t define the work that I’ve put in and it doesn’t define me as a surfer. I hope that despite the result I was able to bring joy through this experience to everyone watching and inspire other people to chase their dreams fearlessly and don’t let the fear of failure keep you from going hard and going all in. I went all in, and it didn’t work out but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.”

Refusing to pull focus from the surfers still in the draw, mixing effortless grace with tenacity and exuding such style all hallmarks of the Moore brand and reflected in her, likely, final heat in a single.

At least we’ll still have Kelly Slater to kick around next year. And the year after. Etc.

Back to Moore, though. The 31-year-old has an entire second act ahead and it will be exciting to see where she takes the Sport of Queens. For now, though, she should rest easy on those GOAT laurels.

Grace and class, I reckon, on top of wild professional accomplishment the deciding factors.