Laird Hamilton push up
What sort of work-out does Laird Hamilton employ to balloon like he has?

The Ultimate Waterman Starts Tomorrow!

Big-wave contest in New Zealand may be inflated by cyclone-generated monsters! Maybe Laird too!

I remember a Sunday afternoon long ago out west. It was bathed in the golden light of May, the water was a comparatively warm (for that time of year) 15 degrees Celsius (59 degrees F for the metrically challenged) and the waves were overhead beachbreak barrels… such fun.

I came in happy and was wandering with my friend back to my car when we heard a tortured cry. It was a young seal on death’s door among the driftwood. All along its body were lacerations right down to the bone. It was pretty ugly with the festering yellow pus of infection creeping throughout the doe-eyed animal’s gaping wounds.

A discussion ensued and I was told that I couldn’t walk away from the seal without doing the right thing. This advice, which came from my friend, did not apply to him, and he walked off. It was just the seal and me, and so, with reluctance, I helped “end the pain”, as they say.

And so it was today with the Quik Pro. Finally, the suffering is over.

What struck me the most in these two instances was the sudden flourish of life exhibited by both in those last moments. These flourishes of futile resistance to fate served to make each event an immeasurably sadder affair.

While I was pondering the sad similarities of the Quik Pro and the doomed seal, I remembered that The Ultimate Waterman starts tomorrow/today (depending on when this appears and where you live in the world).

I perked up. We will soon know who the ultimate waterman is. What perked me up the most though is that they may get cyclone swell. Cyclone Pam is on her way and doesn’t she have NZ in a spin.

NZ, like our much better sibling Australia, loves an  existential threat and Pam fits the bill: she’s smashed the Solomons, is threatening to destroy Vanuatu and is heading to thrash Barry and Sharon’s vege garden in Whakatane.

Surfers in north-facing and eastern parts of the country are in a flutter with cyclone fever (my pick is the north-facing spots on the west and north-west of the South Island on Monday). None more so, apparently, than the contestants in The Ultimate Waterman, according to the NZ Herald.

And why not? They are big-wave surfers, the weather system is unusually large and it could fire. There are murmurings that they will surf somewhere near East Cape, but the projected path of the system means that they can surf further south later in the week, if the cyclone’s opening gambit is undercooked.

All this led me to some deep questioning: will they score giant cyclonic conditions? Will Laird as ambassador for the event turn up with his hydrofoil board to surf giant, well-groomed cyclone swell and show me the future?

There’s a high chance that the answer will be no. Pam will probably hit the cooler waters of the southern Pacific, lose her energy, and be downgraded to a moderately intense ex-tropical low. If so, my bold prediction of two-metres of north-west swell at 19 seconds on the West Coast will not eventuate.

The East Coast of both islands will be big, onshore and ugly for two days before being four-to-six foot and perfect for another two days. The brave watermen will score this perfection, but it won’t be the giants they want and nor will I see Laird show me the future of surfing.

It should end there, but it doesn’t. More questions keep arising. Will they take them down to the Foveaux Strait where large numbers of Great Whites are currently breeding in a bid to find even mildly large waves? Will Kai Lenny bash one with his SUP paddle, then be prosecuted for attacking protected wildlife? Will they come after me for my act of compassion years ago?

Will anyone even watch? Moreover, will it benefit the NZ economy?

All these questions will haunt me tonight as they should you.

Filipe Toledo wins Quiksilver Pro
…a revolutionary, a poet, a mystic. "God helped me win the whole event!" says Filipe. | Photo: WSL

Divine! God Fixes Filipe Toledo’s Win at Quik Pro!

Julian Wilson falls under the axe of the God/Brazilian teen combo…

Is there anything more heartbreaking than opening the door of the McDonalds family restaurant in Coolangatta? Under banks of cruel, green fluorescent lighting the observer is presented with a holding pen for the obese, the stupid and the sad, all picking over their sugared bread rolls and reheated meats. A cola or healthy juice option completes the scene.

But, just one hour ago, we see a man who is neither obese nor stupid, but, yes, he is sad, very sad. Sadder even than the sulky world champion who couldn’t fathom the inflexibility of competition surfing the day before.

It is Julian Wilson, the 26-year-old Australian, we see, rich enough to pile all his friends into a fine dining hall, but now, so sad, so desperately sad, and the bleak little parlour of McDonalds is where he must go to feel wretched.

McBloody great watching Egg! BIG MAC FINISH BAH! @julian_wilson !!

Filipe Toledo, the 19-year-old from Brazil, meanwhile, continues his conversation with God that began prior to he final, continued after each wave and even upon the stage.

“God helped me win the whole event!” says Filipe. “God is the most beautiful person in the world!”

Filipe boils salt water. While Julian Wilson fossicked around on dreary and futile waves, Filipe was like a swollen boil that had suddenly been pierced. Watch Filipe surf and you are intoxicated. You look at your own surfboard and you want to ride it. He completely stupefies the viewer. It is absurd to pretend that a boy of nineteen, however sound he is as a human being, is a fully grown man.

Room to grow, move, improve.

“He got Eazy-E on the waves!” says Ross Williams.

And when Julian need a high-nine with a minute to go, Filipe strolled into a crummy little wave and unfolded perfectly. A ten.

“This is the best wave ever scored on the Gold Coast,” says Striker Wasilewski.

It’s true.

“He can turn a wave I can get a five on into a nine. There’s not much I can do about it,” says Julian, smart enough to wear sunglasses in the near darkness to hide eyes that revealed sadness, bitterness, hurt.

Little Filipe, not even 10 stone, and with his Hurley trunks stuck above his right knee, and speaking in a second language, thanked God again, and waved at the sky.

“God knows what I’m doing to win the world title,” he says.

A world title?

“This is a whole flip of the tour,” says Strider.

The mood of the event, or at least the smell, is soured when the usual French champagne that is used to douse the winners is replaced by the sponsor’s beer, Carlton Dry.

Carissa Moore, who beat Stephanie Gilmore, crouches, cringes, under the shower of the sticky, repulsive, brew.

Filipe bravely withstands the shower.

A boy, his god and, for now, the title of World Number One.

Hit the link (here!) for replays, scores etc. 

Noa Deane
Coolangatta cherub Noa Deane is the star of Fox Sport's captivating surf promo. Even with hair that resembles wire brush! | Photo: Luke Farquhar

Fox shows WSL how to brand surfing!

Billionaire Rupert Murdoch (Fox) shows billionaire Dirk Ziff (WSL) how to make a captivating surf promo!

It takes serious effort, a flair, to create a surf promo that doesn’t smack of sentimentality or self-conscious vanity. Today, if you’re watching Fox Sports, you’ll be socked in the face with the best surf short this year (which ain’t hard, it’s only after all). But it’s good! As good as a sex adventure! As good as the eccentric uniforms on WSL commentators!

The short was made by the twenty-something surfer Luke Farquhar (and Jack Shanahan, Dan Marlin and Campbell Brown), the same creative who made Fox’s world title promo for Gabriel Medina. (Click here!) 

“The initial idea was to make a bit of a WSL and use people like Noa  Deane to create an irony,” says Luke. “But as we kept shooting, the angle changed, and we went with a general surf theme that included everyone from ragbags to grommets to Kelly Slater.”

Shoots took place at the Australian Open in Manly (Noa and Kolohe) and on the Gold Coast with Gabriel Medina, Matt Wilkinson and so on. Luke hired a tattoo parlour in Coolangatta and planned on shooting Gabriel receiving a (pretend) tattoo. Gabriel didn’t turn up so Luke found Gabs at a Quiksilver promo, set up a barber’s chair, threw on some white gloves and attempted to cheat the tattoo shot.

“I spilt ink all over his arm and it seeped into his elbow. Gabriel was flustered and ran to the tap to wash it off,” says Luke. “It was an awkward moment with the champ.”

Tyler Wright was required to snap a board but refused saying it was “too violent.”

Matt Wilkinson was shot in his white cowboy hat but the shot was pulled after Rip Curl objected.

“The best surfer was Noa Deane,” says Luke. “I thought he’d be the hardest. But he arrived, asked what we wanted and did it.”

The short took a month to make and inhaled an almost thousand-dollar-a-minute budget.

WSL Commish slams Gab Medina!

Is "passion" a not-so-nice word to describe Brazilians? Will the WSL get into trouble for being overly racist?

Commissioner Kieren Perrow came down on Gabby Medina yesterday, issuing the following statement. “This is professional surfing’s biggest stage, the stakes are high and there is no shortage of passion. Gabriel’s post-heat interview was not worthy conduct of an athlete at this level and the league has engaged in discussions with him and will take further action if necessary.”

Which begs the question. Are surfers athletes? I think surfers are not athletes because surfing is neither a sport nor a game nor an exercise. Surfing is many things…fun, weird, annoying, addictive, ballet, and surfers are many things…tan, weird, annoying, Micro, ballerinas. The fact that it is so difficult to define is part of why we love it, no?

Therefore, what Gabs said may have in bad taste, whiney, ill-advised, funny, amazing, a stroke of genius but it was totally worthy conduct of a surfer at this level because, above all, it was entertaining. No?

#freddysrock @freddyp808 @gabrielmedina @glenhall81 #quikpro #gabrielmedina photo @corey_wilson


Do you think surfers are athletes? Do you think using the word “passion” in conjunction with anything Brazilian is overtly racist or just subtly racist? Does “…no shortage of passion…” mean there are too many Brazilians on tour? Will the WSL get into big trouble for being overtly racist or will fans tacitly approve the subtle racism or do 2700 people watching surfers in a bathtub not really count as “fans?”

The US Open of Surfing comes to Snapper Rocks!

WSL gives a beautiful demonstration of the sunk-cost fallacy… 

I got a sick sense of joy watching the Vans US Open of Surfing unfold on my laptop today. It was a hopping, groveling mess; a beautiful demonstration of the sunk-cost fallacy that delivered on a promise of schadenfreude for which I’ve been eagerly awaiting the past ten or so days.  The WSL’s first big outing was a flop, and everything surrounding it has been appalling.

A supposed $100k extension bought the men a taste of the women’s tour. God only knows how much the guys who washed out during their luck-of-the-draw shitfest heats enjoyed dishing out the dough for the last-minute airfare changes and hotel booking extensions that earned them the privilege of making a mockery of both their ability and the notion that surfing can ever be a mainstream sport.

How quickly we forget the pre-Dream Tour days when the athletes fought to ensure that the right thing would happen when a contest doesn’t deliver: the points get split, the prizemoney does too.  Gabby doesn’t like it, and why should he? When Micro makes the surf look small no one should be in the water.

Perrow’s bosses are mad that Medina said a swear. Freddy P had a meltdown.

Judging criteria – speed, power & flow. I believe I ticked all the boxes, not to mention innovation. Under scored?? I think so. Haha. #areyounotentertained #bestjobieverhad #thisissnapper

So did Josh Kerr.

Fustration/anger are emotions I really try to stay away from! Today that didn’t work!


The commentator clowns insist on referring to the WSL in the third person, as though it were a sanctioning body rather than a sideshow.

The cabinet beneath my bathroom sink sits slightly ajar. This morning, when I was shaving, I leaned in to get a better look at my throat. My thighs pressed against the door and pushed it shut, pinching the tip of my dick. It only caught a tiny bit of flesh, but it was enough to make me screech and jump back, totally confused by the sudden stabbing pain in my cock.

I’m sure it looked funny to an outside observer, but like today’s event, it was no fucking fun at all to take part in.


Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 3 Results (1st to R4, 2nd = 13th):

Heat 1: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 13.00 def. Kelly Slater (USA) 8.77

Heat 2: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 13.67 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 13.20

Heat 3: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 15.77 def. Joel Parkinson (AUS) 9.93

Heat 4: Taj Burrow (AUS) 16.60 def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 11.90

Heat 5: Julian Wilson (AUS) 10.43 def. Nat Young (USA) 8.94

Heat 6: Glenn Hall (IRL) 14.23 vs. Gabriel Medina (BRA) 7.50

Heat 7: Mick Fanning (AUS) 17.56 def. Dusty Payne (HAW) 15.00

Heat 8: Bede Durbidge (AUS) 15.90 def. Owen Wright (AUS) 14.44

Heat 9: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 14.76 def. Freddy Patacchia Jr. (HAW) 1.13

Heat 10: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 14.67 def. Matt Banting (AUS) 13.90

Heat 11: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 18.50 def. Kolohe Andino (USA) 15.74

Heat 12: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 17.83 def. John John Florence (HAW) 16.13

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 4 Results (1st to QF, 2nd & 3rd to R5):

Heat 1: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 17.23, Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 13.47, Italo Ferreira (BRA) 13.37

Heat 2: Julian Wilson (AUS) 15.37, Taj Burrow (AUS) 11.13, Glenn Hall (IRL) 10.50

Heat 3: Mick Fanning (AUS) 16.50, Adriano de Souza (BRA) 16.50, Bede Durbidge (AUS) 14.50

Heat 4: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 17.83, Jordy Smith (ZAF) 16.57, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 12.23

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 5 Results (1st to QF, 2nd=9th):

Heat 1: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 17.34 def. Glenn Hall (IRL) 13.33

Heat 2: Taj Burrow (AUS) 15.73 def. Italo Ferreira (BRA) 15.50

Heat 3: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 16.94 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 16.07

Heat 4: Bede Durbidge (AUS) 15.83 def. Jordy Smith (ZAF) 11.83

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Quarterfinal Match-Ups (1st to SF, 2nd=5th):

QF 1: Miguel Pupo (BRA) vs. Wiggolly Dantas (BRA)

QF 2: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Taj Burrow (AUS)

QF 3: Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. Adriano de Souza (BRA)

QF 4: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Bede Durbidge (AUS)