Noa Deane
Coolangatta cherub Noa Deane is the star of Fox Sport's captivating surf promo. Even with hair that resembles wire brush! | Photo: Luke Farquhar

Fox shows WSL how to brand surfing!

Derek Rielly

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Billionaire Rupert Murdoch (Fox) shows billionaire Dirk Ziff (WSL) how to make a captivating surf promo!

It takes serious effort, a flair, to create a surf promo that doesn’t smack of sentimentality or self-conscious vanity. Today, if you’re watching Fox Sports, you’ll be socked in the face with the best surf short this year (which ain’t hard, it’s only after all). But it’s good! As good as a sex adventure! As good as the eccentric uniforms on WSL commentators!

The short was made by the twenty-something surfer Luke Farquhar (and Jack Shanahan, Dan Marlin and Campbell Brown), the same creative who made Fox’s world title promo for Gabriel Medina. (Click here!) 

“The initial idea was to make a bit of a WSL and use people like Noa  Deane to create an irony,” says Luke. “But as we kept shooting, the angle changed, and we went with a general surf theme that included everyone from ragbags to grommets to Kelly Slater.”

Shoots took place at the Australian Open in Manly (Noa and Kolohe) and on the Gold Coast with Gabriel Medina, Matt Wilkinson and so on. Luke hired a tattoo parlour in Coolangatta and planned on shooting Gabriel receiving a (pretend) tattoo. Gabriel didn’t turn up so Luke found Gabs at a Quiksilver promo, set up a barber’s chair, threw on some white gloves and attempted to cheat the tattoo shot.

“I spilt ink all over his arm and it seeped into his elbow. Gabriel was flustered and ran to the tap to wash it off,” says Luke. “It was an awkward moment with the champ.”

Tyler Wright was required to snap a board but refused saying it was “too violent.”

Matt Wilkinson was shot in his white cowboy hat but the shot was pulled after Rip Curl objected.

“The best surfer was Noa Deane,” says Luke. “I thought he’d be the hardest. But he arrived, asked what we wanted and did it.”

The short took a month to make and inhaled an almost thousand-dollar-a-minute budget.

WSL Commish slams Gab Medina!

Chas Smith

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Is "passion" a not-so-nice word to describe Brazilians? Will the WSL get into trouble for being overly racist?

Commissioner Kieren Perrow came down on Gabby Medina yesterday, issuing the following statement. “This is professional surfing’s biggest stage, the stakes are high and there is no shortage of passion. Gabriel’s post-heat interview was not worthy conduct of an athlete at this level and the league has engaged in discussions with him and will take further action if necessary.”

Which begs the question. Are surfers athletes? I think surfers are not athletes because surfing is neither a sport nor a game nor an exercise. Surfing is many things…fun, weird, annoying, addictive, ballet, and surfers are many things…tan, weird, annoying, Micro, ballerinas. The fact that it is so difficult to define is part of why we love it, no?

Therefore, what Gabs said may have in bad taste, whiney, ill-advised, funny, amazing, a stroke of genius but it was totally worthy conduct of a surfer at this level because, above all, it was entertaining. No?

#freddysrock @freddyp808 @gabrielmedina @glenhall81 #quikpro #gabrielmedina photo @corey_wilson

 

Do you think surfers are athletes? Do you think using the word “passion” in conjunction with anything Brazilian is overtly racist or just subtly racist? Does “…no shortage of passion…” mean there are too many Brazilians on tour? Will the WSL get into big trouble for being overtly racist or will fans tacitly approve the subtle racism or do 2700 people watching surfers in a bathtub not really count as “fans?”

The US Open of Surfing comes to Snapper Rocks!

Michael Kocher

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WSL gives a beautiful demonstration of the sunk-cost fallacy… 

I got a sick sense of joy watching the Vans US Open of Surfing unfold on my laptop today. It was a hopping, groveling mess; a beautiful demonstration of the sunk-cost fallacy that delivered on a promise of schadenfreude for which I’ve been eagerly awaiting the past ten or so days.  The WSL’s first big outing was a flop, and everything surrounding it has been appalling.

A supposed $100k extension bought the men a taste of the women’s tour. God only knows how much the guys who washed out during their luck-of-the-draw shitfest heats enjoyed dishing out the dough for the last-minute airfare changes and hotel booking extensions that earned them the privilege of making a mockery of both their ability and the notion that surfing can ever be a mainstream sport.

How quickly we forget the pre-Dream Tour days when the athletes fought to ensure that the right thing would happen when a contest doesn’t deliver: the points get split, the prizemoney does too.  Gabby doesn’t like it, and why should he? When Micro makes the surf look small no one should be in the water.

Perrow’s bosses are mad that Medina said a swear. Freddy P had a meltdown.

Judging criteria – speed, power & flow. I believe I ticked all the boxes, not to mention innovation. Under scored?? I think so. Haha. #areyounotentertained #bestjobieverhad #thisissnapper

So did Josh Kerr.

Fustration/anger are emotions I really try to stay away from! Today that didn’t work!

 

The commentator clowns insist on referring to the WSL in the third person, as though it were a sanctioning body rather than a sideshow.

The cabinet beneath my bathroom sink sits slightly ajar. This morning, when I was shaving, I leaned in to get a better look at my throat. My thighs pressed against the door and pushed it shut, pinching the tip of my dick. It only caught a tiny bit of flesh, but it was enough to make me screech and jump back, totally confused by the sudden stabbing pain in my cock.

I’m sure it looked funny to an outside observer, but like today’s event, it was no fucking fun at all to take part in.

 

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 3 Results (1st to R4, 2nd = 13th):

Heat 1: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 13.00 def. Kelly Slater (USA) 8.77

Heat 2: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 13.67 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 13.20

Heat 3: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 15.77 def. Joel Parkinson (AUS) 9.93

Heat 4: Taj Burrow (AUS) 16.60 def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 11.90

Heat 5: Julian Wilson (AUS) 10.43 def. Nat Young (USA) 8.94

Heat 6: Glenn Hall (IRL) 14.23 vs. Gabriel Medina (BRA) 7.50

Heat 7: Mick Fanning (AUS) 17.56 def. Dusty Payne (HAW) 15.00

Heat 8: Bede Durbidge (AUS) 15.90 def. Owen Wright (AUS) 14.44

Heat 9: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 14.76 def. Freddy Patacchia Jr. (HAW) 1.13

Heat 10: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 14.67 def. Matt Banting (AUS) 13.90

Heat 11: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 18.50 def. Kolohe Andino (USA) 15.74

Heat 12: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 17.83 def. John John Florence (HAW) 16.13

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 4 Results (1st to QF, 2nd & 3rd to R5):

Heat 1: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 17.23, Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 13.47, Italo Ferreira (BRA) 13.37

Heat 2: Julian Wilson (AUS) 15.37, Taj Burrow (AUS) 11.13, Glenn Hall (IRL) 10.50

Heat 3: Mick Fanning (AUS) 16.50, Adriano de Souza (BRA) 16.50, Bede Durbidge (AUS) 14.50

Heat 4: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 17.83, Jordy Smith (ZAF) 16.57, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 12.23

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 5 Results (1st to QF, 2nd=9th):

Heat 1: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 17.34 def. Glenn Hall (IRL) 13.33

Heat 2: Taj Burrow (AUS) 15.73 def. Italo Ferreira (BRA) 15.50

Heat 3: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 16.94 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 16.07

Heat 4: Bede Durbidge (AUS) 15.83 def. Jordy Smith (ZAF) 11.83

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Quarterfinal Match-Ups (1st to SF, 2nd=5th):

QF 1: Miguel Pupo (BRA) vs. Wiggolly Dantas (BRA)

QF 2: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Taj Burrow (AUS)

QF 3: Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. Adriano de Souza (BRA)

QF 4: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Bede Durbidge (AUS)

Gabs: Next time Micro says fuck off I will teach him!

Derek Rielly

By

World champ ain't real thrilled about coming second last to average surfer… 

Let’s be real honest. Glenn Hall, an engaging falsetto from Australia’s Central Coast (forget that dubious Irish ancestry that got him into the world amateurs years ago), ain’t the kinda surfer you’d spend money on a webcast to see. (It’s coming!)

And, yet, here, at Snapper Rocks, in miserable little waves the WSL has waited 10 days to surf, and were forced to surf because of the unwieldy nature of having concurrent men’s and women’s events with a total of 45 surfers, he just beat the reigning world champion, the 21-year-old Brazilian Gabriel Medina. By an interference.

The interference was plain enough. Micro had priority. Gabriel pushed it too far; Micro milked it and got it through. Y’could see Micro lighting up on Gabs but you could also sense he pulled his words, just a little, because as every surfer knows, you don’t smack talk a Brazilian, not when his countrymen are “passionate” and whom also enjoy practising a lethal form of jiujitsu.

In his post-heat interview, Micro, who looked like he’d been outfitted by a stylist from Back to the Future with his giant plastic watch and plastic sunglasses housing reflective blue lenses, was smart enough to talk up Gabriel.

“He’s a really good dude, passionate in the water and a legend out of the water.”

What was Gabriel saying to you? the interviewer asked.

“He was telling me to calm down…”

Soon, Gabriel appeared. He was very sad. He said, “You know, the waves are pretty bad. Ten days for waves like this? KP didn’t do a good job… I hope he can do better.”

Gabriel said he was confused by the rule that sunk him and then… unexpectedly… although perhaps it shouldn’t be unexpected given Gabriel’s sulky form, he said, “Next time Glen Hall say fuck you to me, I will teach him…”

Peter Mel, who has never panicked in his life, even at 20-foot Mavs, stole the air and sputtered:

“Uh… uh… uh… not a happy man…”

Ironically, it’s the best thing to happen in this contest. Will the WSL recognise it as such?

That's you, by the way, unable to catch the micro surf on your longboard (mal).
That's you, by the way, unable to catch the micro surf on your longboard (mal).

Surfline has no shame!

Chas Smith

By

It trashes the WSL while taking its $3.50 paycheck.

The Quiksilver Pro is continuing its li’l bit depressing march today, and by the grace of God it will soon end. Those waves! That ugly! And it must be one thing for the WSL to cop flak from what Tracks magazine (the surfer’s bible no less) deemed, “…bottom feeding journalists.” But it must be quite another for them to cop flak for shitty waves from forecast sponsor SURFLINE!

It was poor Pete Mel who usually stood on the beach during those lay days and hyped the upcoming swell, courtesy of Surfline provided models, information, science, “It is going to get good! Hang in there!” But then Surfline runs the story “The Quiksilver Pro Round Two: Because we had to.” Ouch! And to end with a preposition! Double ouch! And “Because we had to” why? Because you were desperate enough to take the $3.50 media partnership that the WSL was offering and forced to cover the event? Triple ouch! The story continues with the clearly snickering line, “The world’s best surfers in the world’s best waves…” Well they got it half right. (Read here!)

But what of all that Pete Mel hyping courtesy of Surfline provided models, information, science? Just rude. They fed the WSL a line and then trash the event after it was clear that no, and I mean NO, waves were ever coming. I guess it is very easy to slap Graham Stapelberg when he is down. “BUT…” I shout as I mount my high horse “…the horrible, unsurfable surf is the one thing I have liked best about this inaugural WSL event!” I like it because it is honest. The ocean is, of course, cruel and the WSL is reacting as best as it can, which is as good as anyone could have reacted. There is absolutely nothing to do with shit surf except cancel, which is just as pointless as running in slop.

Yes, the WSL chose to trot out a silly commentary crew (Pete Mel and Chelsea Cannell totally exempted), chose to change its name to the most asinine thing ever, chose not to change its logo even though it was drawn by an art school drop-out, chose not to pay anyone, chose to let surfers choose stupid numbers, chose to commission a graphics package that looks the way it does, chose to try and be the NFL, chose an almost endless amount of very bad things. But it did not choose this shit surf. This shit surf chose them. It chooses us all. And Surfline can go fuck itself.

Photo: Jack English
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