Slater makes “way more” than $20 mill a year!

WSL CEO Paul Speaker tells the Fox Biz Network Kelly Slater ain't short of a shekel… 

When my wife and I first moved to Hawaii roughly eight years ago, we were so horrendously broke that we couldn’t afford cable. Going set-less wasn’t meant to be a permanent thing, I do enjoy television.

Beyond the empty mind escapism it provides it also helps keep me balls deep in the zeitgeist. And I do run the risk of becoming dangerously disconnected, living as I do in semi-hermitage on a remote tropical island with almost no real connections to the rest of the world. Seriously, the internecine conflicts with Kauai County have far more influence on my life than whatever rich white asshole buys his way into the executive branch.

Thanks to advancements in online piracy, and even though we can now easily afford a big, dumb flat-screen and a premium subscription, we got used to scraping all the shows we want to watch off the web.

One thing I can’t get much of off the various private torrent trackers of which I am a member is the top notch spectacle that is Fox News.

It’s problematic. How am I to know how threatened I currently am by racial minority uppity-ness? What rhetoric should I employ to sabotage my own self interests? In what manner is my straight while maleness under attack?

Lucky for me they post drips and drabs of content online, most recently a hard-hitting interview with none other than the WSL’s Paul Speaker.

Some highlights below:

Slater makes $20 million+ per year.  This is a great exchange between host Stuart Varney and Paul Speaker.

Varney: “I’m going to ask you a question that you may or may not want to answer… can that superstar, whose name I’ve just forgotten…

Speaker: Kelly Slater

Varney: Can he earn, say, 20 million dollars a year? 

Speaker: Has and will probably for a very, very long time…

Varney: Really? Twenty million?

Speaker: Way more than that. 

What else?

The most popular surfing spot in the world?  Hawaii!

Surfing may or may not be bigger one day than the NFL.

The WSL has advertisers? I guess so, Fox News says so.

Twenty-two million people tuned into a WSL webcast in Brazil alone.

Viewers are tuning in in order to watch people wipe out.

Cloudbreak is only two inches deep.

Out of context sharks!  Loads of sharks!

Watch it here! 


Brett Simpson wins title!

And Huntington Beach rejoices.

Five-thousand people flocked to Huntington Beach, home to underaged drinking and What Youth‘s Travis Ferre, in order to witness history. Brett Simpson and sixty-five of his closest friends jammed themselves on a 42 ft 1,300 lb Nev surfboard and rode straight into infamy. The most people ever to surf a wave!

The total shattered the previous record set in Queensland, Australia where a mere forty-seven people surfed a wave for ten seconds. How did Nev feel about being a turncoat? “It’s all about fun. Surfing is fun, here we are just emulating surfing on a grand scale,” he told the Orange County Register. “This is the heart of surfing, globally. Everyone known in professional surfing has made their mark in Huntington Beach.” Sorry Queensland!

As the board was pulled out to sea by a PWC people were scared and nervous but once whipped in everyone was thrilled! The surfers bent their knees and nobody fell off as they shredded for twelve seconds. Sorry Queensland!

At the end, Huntington Beach’s mayor said, in regards to the board which will be housed permanently in the Surfing Museum, “This is the new statue of stoke in surfing.” and maybe continued, “Come to Huntington for the statue of stoke but stay for the underaged drinking and Travis Ferre.”

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"My masochistic sense of recklessness aside, I was relaxed about the orcas," writes Mr Beau Andrews. "After all, they’re meant to be fussy and discerning eaters. Some pods will only eat salmon, others, herring. Others will kill a whale just to eat its liver. A sinewy 64 kg Beau Andrews is probably not a good meal to an orca." | Photo: Bali Sharks

Candid: I was nearly eaten by Orcas!

They kill dolphins and seals for kicks, don't they?

I was nearly eaten by orcas a week ago. At least that’s how the public perceived the situation.

Defying my deeply held scorn for dawnies, I found myself sitting in the low light of dawn, immersed in frigid water, surfing a backwashy right at a central city surf spot. It was already crowded and I was cold, blowing waves and wondering why I even bothered.

The beachfront was full of busy-body dog walkers and lycra-clad middle-aged women pacing the sand, trying hard to achieve whatever it is that is relevant to their dull, chardonnay (possibly pinot noir, probably sauvignon blanc) sipping lives. I still sat cold and disgruntled.

Then the beach erupted with screams of “Get out of the water!” as six orcas came charging in to within 20 metres of us.

I looked at the beach, “What’s the racket for I asked myself?”

A guy turned to me and said “Did you see that?”

I didn’t, they were gone fairly quickly and I was too absorbed in loathing the cold and back-wash. A photographer I knew looked like he had seen a ghost as he sat there bobbing about amongst us.

“Oh well,” I thought and surfed on. I’d shared the line-up with orcas before.

Drawing upon my lack of self-respect and the respect of the judgement of others, I’d had a similar situation as a grom when blue sharks invested my local for a summer. My 14-year-old self and 11-year-old mate sat there stoked on the glassy two-footers as two-metre blueys swam by.

The middle-aged people stood on the breakwater yelling at us to get out. We smiled and waved politely. They continued to yell until my friend lost his temper and yelled “Fuck-off, we know there’s sharks!” He went on to do a great many punk things.

Stupid?

Possibly, but I had a father who told me that if I wanted to be a surfer, I had to face the fact that I may be eaten by sharks. Young and impressionable, I took it a little bit too far.

My masochistic sense of recklessness aside, I was relaxed about the orcas. After all, they’re meant to be fussy and discerning eaters. Some pods will only eat salmon, others, herring. Others will kill a whale just to eat its liver. A sinewy 64 kg Beau Andrews is probably not a good meal to an orca.

But what’s stopping them? They kill seals and dolphins for kicks. Why not awkward rubber clad gimps with dick-headed opinions? A pod of orcas could single-handedly make surfing unpopular again, wreaking more havoc than any shark could. But they don’t.

Some would say that they’re too intelligent to do that. I say bollocks. We kill for fun, even if we know it ain’t for food or any real reason other than we can.

Then again, they may have a point. I’ve developed a theory that orcas don’t attack surfers because we carry with us the great stench of petro-chemicals. We’re literally clad in the stuff while sitting on the stuff… repulsive.

It’s just a theory though, and a ridiculous one. However, if true, the joke’s on them. They turn their noses up at us while they gorge themselves on fish, accumulating dangerous levels of mercury and DDT from our polluted seas.

So much for discerning.

Join me next week when I theorise how babies are made and why.


…one of the fabulous photos from Jamie Brisick's book, We Approach Our Martinis with Such High Expectations. | Photo: Jamie Brisick

(Audio): The Blind Surfer

A surfer is blinded in a ding-fixing accident. But life goes on in this moving story by Jamie Brisick …

The surfer-marine Michael A Kocher reads “Justin’s Weird Act” from the Jamie Brisick book We Approach Our Martinis with Such High Expectations.

The story, about a surfer blinded in a ding-fixing accident, “goes to show us all that no matter what life throws in our way we can still surf, we can still feel stoke, and we can still enjoy life. Justin’s story is one of unexpected beauty and expected poignancy. I read it at least once a month and it has absolutely informed my life in numerous different ways,” says the narrator.

“I hope that you enjoy my rendition and my apologies to Jamie for the times I tripped over words. His words deserve the utmost respect and love.”

Buy the book here. (Click!) 


…here's the 2003 Ford E-Series Van E250 Cyrus just threw up on eBay. Couple of hundred thousand miles on the clock, a big ol V8 and you can sleep three! Five if you wanna menage!

For sale: Cyrus Sutton’s Iconic Surf Van!

This Ford camper has seen North America's best waves and wants to take you there too!

How about this? If you’ve got seven gees or thereabouts you’ve got enough shekels to buy the world’s coolest surf van!

Cyrus Sutton, as if I even need to tease the keys, is the 33-year-old pro-surfer filmmaker-traveller who made such DIY-retro classics and Stoked and Broke (2011)…

…and Compassing (2013), a movie that details the customisation of the van you might wanna buy as well as its debut journey.

“I’ve been from Washington to Mainland Mexico in it,” says Cyrus. “My most wonderful surf experience was camping at Pascuales for a month. It was hot but the waves were great. This van and I go way back. It’s my first home. So it will be sad but all good things come to an end. Whoever gets has to let me drive it around their block once a year…ha!”

Set your bitch free! Bid here!