Anythingthat begins “Dear
mainland…” is priceless in my book especially when said by
someone who is Hawaiian and directed at someone haole.
Kona Brewing Company advertisements, which all begin “hey
mainland” have been playing on mainland televisions for maybe a
year and are very nice. The Hawaiians on screen play ukulele, speak
with a delightful patois and trot out a vision of island life that
certainly titillates. Just the best. There is no choking out or ice
because why? Hawaii is aloha. Kona Brewing was born in a pub on
Hawaii’s Big Island and has become popular enough to open
restaurants and things. Its beer tastes like all beer, which is to
say good enough but not as good as vodka. In any case, I’m drinking
vodka right now.
But watch the advertisement anyhow and then drink vodka.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Will the $80 Kingii change big-wave
surfing… forever? Includes a compass too. Wait… North
Shore is… that way!
Are you the type of foolhardy moron who likes to play in
the ocean despite a total lack of ability? Do you
wish you could kill your child while retaining plausible
deniability? Are you frustrated by the presence of an overly
healthy rotator cuff?
If so, you’re in luck! With the new Kingii water safety device,
the latest in poorly thought-out crowdfunded inventions, all your
dreams can come true!
Where is the Kingii useful? Just watch their video and you’ll
find it’s perfect for:
“…a situation where an adult may not be present.” Because who
has time to monitor their children in the backyard pool?
But what if your kid is too scared to swim unsupervised? No
problem! Extensive testing has found that “giving kids Kingii makes
them confident in the water.” Which is great, everyone knows
that, in an aquatic environment, confidence trumps actual ability
nine times out of ten.
And it’s not only for helping keep your progeny’s hand dry while
their blue corpse floats just below the surface. Kingii also has
awesome surfing applications!
I reached out to Alec Booker, the guy handling press inquiries
for Kingii to find out more. While he couldn’t tell me what
size surf it was tested in, he was very assertive in claiming that
it was tested by “established surfers who were “receptive to
the weight and safety features.” Receptive!
Another of the Kingii awesome features is that it requires a
proprietary CO2 cartridge, priced at only five times the cost of
pre-existing cartridges, guaranteeing it will work in a sticky
situation, without burdening consumers with ability to quickly and
easily purchase replacements at their local sporting goods
store.
But wait, there’s more!
The Kingii comes with compass attached, perfect for those times
you find yourself floating miles out to sea with no idea where land
lies. By taking a simple bearing you’ll be able to easily determine
in which direction you should undertake a miles long swim with an
inflated bag attached to one wrist. And it has a whistle too!
It’s only a matter of time until the Kingii water safety device
becomes all pervasive, and we laugh at the backwards past when
people relied on idiotic notions like life vests and swim lessons
to keep themselves safe in the water.
But don’t take my word for it, here’s what others have to
say:
“Kingii is the perfect alternative to life jackets for beginner
and advanced swimmers of any age. Now, for those who would
previously forgo wearing a life vest, they can have the same
security without the restrictions or discomfort.”
-Tom Agapiades, Kingii founder
“It’s a simple safety precaution that seems obvious in
retrospect.”
– Devin Coldewey, NBC News
“The Kingii is one of those why the hell didn’t I think of
that? inventions.”
-Juan Hernandez, The Inertia
“This is a crowdfunded project, and as such may not deliver what
its creators initially promise. Most crowdfunding sites, like
Kickstarter and Indiegogo, have policies about what happens to your
money if the project fails to deliver on its goals, but choosing to
back a project is inevitably a risk.”
– Slashgear.com
“I’ve had six babies and five of them were born in the ocean. I
got bit by a brown recluse spider on my face.”
– Some crazy lady I picked up hitchhiking
“…the team admits there’s no way of knowing how many people its
proposed approach could save…”
-Liat Clark, Wired Magazine
Yessir, the Kingii water safety device is a godsend for
neglectful parents and water enthusiasts alike. Just pop one on
your young’uns wrists, have a few margaritas, take a nice long nap,
and you’ll be able to watch your disposable income levels soar!
Once relegated to the mists of time, our noble
brothers are back!
I just posted a fine story about Marcus
Mariota, Oregon Heisman winning quarterback, NFL star in waiting,
not signing his rookie contract because he wants to surf (read here). But I was wrong. New information
has come to light from Portland news beacon The
Oregonian.
“…Mariota is a native of Hawaii, where surfing is a national
sport. Mariota knows how to surf, but he has said he’s more of a
body boarder. The report also explains why surfing would be good
for Mariota in terms of muscle relaxation and rehabilitation. In
addition, surfing can help Mariota unwind by allowing him to get
away from the pressures of being the face of the Titans
franchise.”
And there you have it. Body boarder. I have been made aware,
very recently, of a sea-change happening in the boogie community
mostly from following the Instagram account DickDraggers.
(you should follow too) At first I thought the posts were just
funny riffing…and maybe they are…but more often than not a total
hipster shows up shooting the sandy curl. It is amazing. And with
the Marcus Mariota news, I think true. Bodyboarding is officially
back. If you start today, you can scoff at all the bandwagon
jumpers that follow. I think it is a can’t miss opportunity. Now
get that body on a boogie!
Bodyboarder critical after hit at Lighthouse Beach,
Ballina. Attack at Lennox. Gromfest suspended…
Yeah, so, another surfer has been hit around Byron
Bay, that zeitgeist-y place you to go to escape the
madness of city life. All those rainbows, all that leashless
longboarding, miles and miles away from Sydney’s rotten urbanity,
but now rivalling Margaret River as the sharkiest joint in
Australia.
Here’s the latest attack:
A 32-year-old bodyboarder, Matt Lee, was surfing with his pals
at Lighthouse Beach, Ballina, around 10 when he was hit on the legs
by a four-metre (close enough to 15-foot) Great White.
Pals helped him to the beach, paramedics stiffed the blood (it
took ’em an hour to stabilise him), and he’s been airlifted to Gold
Coast Hospital. He survived emergency surgery but remains in a
serious condition.
(Who remembers a fatal attack at Lighthouse? Yeah, 2008,
16-year-old bodyboarder Peter Edmonds hit… twice.)
Back in February, Japanese surfer Tadashi Nakahara died when he
was hit by a suspected Great White at the next beach. Out of
nowhere, Tad was paddling back out when the (maybe) White hit him
from below. Took off both legs. That attack happened a day after
another surfer was attacked a couple of clicks up the coast at
Seven Mile Beach, Lennox.
Last September, a swimmer died in waist-deep water when he was
hit by a suspected Great White just near the Pass in Byron.
Today, one day after the attack at Lighthouse, a surfer was
knocked off his board by a shark at Lennox Head. Uninjured, but
fuck.
All beaches are now shut between Tallows and Ballina which ain’t
great news for the two million or so kids at Skull Candy’s
Gromfest at Lennox which has been suspended.
The Department of Primary Industries has authorised a
permit for the great white, which is still hanging around (see
video) to be destroyed.
Last year, the Hawaiian Mason Ho won the Backdoor Shootout
and placed second at the Volcom Pipe Pro, beating Kelly Slater in
the process. The year before he owned Sunset and finished
third at the Volcom Pipe Pro.
Dino Andino, father of Kolohe, has known Mason since “forever”
and says that Mason has an “uncanny ability to rider the tube, to
control the speed of the wave” and that, alongside John John and
Jamie O, “he’s the guy out there. When it’s heavy he’s just getting
started.”
Why should you even throw yourself out at the world’s best,
but most dangerous, wave? What have you got to gain, anyway?
“Well, first,” says Mason, “every little surf town has that
one spot where all the heavies go, where all the icons and all the
tourists go, and on the North Shore it’s… Pipe.
Have I sold his qualities? Now let’s hear his three tips on
how to cut yourself a slice of the greatest wave on earth,
Pipeline.
1. Don’t shoulder hop at Backdoor
“Okay, this is counter-intuitive,” says Mason.”You spend the
whole beginner years of your life believing the shoulder is safer.
But Backdoor is dangerous on the shoulder. You’re going to take off
with the lip on the shoulder. So! Kick back, wait for the best
wave, and takeoff behind the peak. A bonus is you’ll actually get
deep.”
2. How to make the barrel at Pipe
“It’s a series of connect-the-dots,” says Mason, who
admittedly, does it better than anybody. “Everybody sees different
lines but there’s always a certain line, an instinctual line.
There’s bubbles, there’s a double-up, all this stuff coming down
the wave. You need to draw a line across it all and
just… shoot. You beat off the chop, you beat down the
double-up, you ride-out the foam-ball.” Confidence? Yeah, you
need it.
3. Ride a bigger board than you think
Mason has got his act down to a point where he can ride a
larger-than-average board, in his case a six-three, and catch
anything. And not just the outer reef roll-ins, but even the
radical inside ledges. “I like to move around when I paddle,” says
Mason, who enjoys the momentum a larger board gives. “The bigger
boards make it easier to roll in, sure, but it’s nice to have a big
board to swing around under the ledge. I don’t die big boards all
the time but they do help me get to where I want to go.”
Want to get to know Mason? Watch this!
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
