Anythingthat begins “Dear mainland…” is priceless in my book especially when said by someone who is Hawaiian and directed at someone haole.
Kona Brewing Company advertisements, which all begin “hey mainland” have been playing on mainland televisions for maybe a year and are very nice. The Hawaiians on screen play ukulele, speak with a delightful patois and trot out a vision of island life that certainly titillates. Just the best. There is no choking out or ice because why? Hawaii is aloha. Kona Brewing was born in a pub on Hawaii’s Big Island and has become popular enough to open restaurants and things. Its beer tastes like all beer, which is to say good enough but not as good as vodka. In any case, I’m drinking vodka right now.
But watch the advertisement anyhow and then drink vodka.
Will the $80 Kingii change big-wave surfing… forever? Includes a compass too. Wait… North Shore is… that way!
Are you the type of foolhardy moron who likes to play in the ocean despite a total lack of ability? Do you wish you could kill your child while retaining plausible deniability? Are you frustrated by the presence of an overly healthy rotator cuff?
If so, you’re in luck! With the new Kingii water safety device, the latest in poorly thought-out crowdfunded inventions, all your dreams can come true!
Where is the Kingii useful? Just watch their video and you’ll find it’s perfect for:
“…a situation where an adult may not be present.” Because who has time to monitor their children in the backyard pool?
But what if your kid is too scared to swim unsupervised? No problem! Extensive testing has found that “giving kids Kingii makes them confident in the water.” Which is great, everyone knows that, in an aquatic environment, confidence trumps actual ability nine times out of ten.
And it’s not only for helping keep your progeny’s hand dry while their blue corpse floats just below the surface. Kingii also has awesome surfing applications!
I reached out to Alec Booker, the guy handling press inquiries for Kingii to find out more. While he couldn’t tell me what size surf it was tested in, he was very assertive in claiming that it was tested by “established surfers who were “receptive to the weight and safety features.” Receptive!
Another of the Kingii awesome features is that it requires a proprietary CO2 cartridge, priced at only five times the cost of pre-existing cartridges, guaranteeing it will work in a sticky situation, without burdening consumers with ability to quickly and easily purchase replacements at their local sporting goods store.
But wait, there’s more!
The Kingii comes with compass attached, perfect for those times you find yourself floating miles out to sea with no idea where land lies. By taking a simple bearing you’ll be able to easily determine in which direction you should undertake a miles long swim with an inflated bag attached to one wrist. And it has a whistle too!
It’s only a matter of time until the Kingii water safety device becomes all pervasive, and we laugh at the backwards past when people relied on idiotic notions like life vests and swim lessons to keep themselves safe in the water.
But don’t take my word for it, here’s what others have to say:
“Kingii is the perfect alternative to life jackets for beginner and advanced swimmers of any age. Now, for those who would previously forgo wearing a life vest, they can have the same security without the restrictions or discomfort.”
-Tom Agapiades, Kingii founder
“It’s a simple safety precaution that seems obvious in retrospect.”
– Devin Coldewey, NBC News
“The Kingii is one of those why the hell didn’t I think of that? inventions.”
-Juan Hernandez, The Inertia
“This is a crowdfunded project, and as such may not deliver what its creators initially promise. Most crowdfunding sites, like Kickstarter and Indiegogo, have policies about what happens to your money if the project fails to deliver on its goals, but choosing to back a project is inevitably a risk.”
“I’ve had six babies and five of them were born in the ocean. I got bit by a brown recluse spider on my face.”
– Some crazy lady I picked up hitchhiking
“…the team admits there’s no way of knowing how many people its proposed approach could save…”
-Liat Clark, Wired Magazine
Yessir, the Kingii water safety device is a godsend for neglectful parents and water enthusiasts alike. Just pop one on your young’uns wrists, have a few margaritas, take a nice long nap, and you’ll be able to watch your disposable income levels soar!
Once relegated to the mists of time, our noble brothers are back!
I just posted a fine story about Marcus Mariota, Oregon Heisman winning quarterback, NFL star in waiting, not signing his rookie contract because he wants to surf (read here). But I was wrong. New information has come to light from Portland news beacon The Oregonian.
“…Mariota is a native of Hawaii, where surfing is a national sport. Mariota knows how to surf, but he has said he’s more of a body boarder. The report also explains why surfing would be good for Mariota in terms of muscle relaxation and rehabilitation. In addition, surfing can help Mariota unwind by allowing him to get away from the pressures of being the face of the Titans franchise.”
And there you have it. Body boarder. I have been made aware, very recently, of a sea-change happening in the boogie community mostly from following the Instagram account DickDraggers. (you should follow too) At first I thought the posts were just funny riffing…and maybe they are…but more often than not a total hipster shows up shooting the sandy curl. It is amazing. And with the Marcus Mariota news, I think true. Bodyboarding is officially back. If you start today, you can scoff at all the bandwagon jumpers that follow. I think it is a can’t miss opportunity. Now get that body on a boogie!
Bodyboarder critical after hit at Lighthouse Beach, Ballina. Attack at Lennox. Gromfest suspended…
Yeah, so, another surfer has been hit around Byron Bay, that zeitgeist-y place you to go to escape the madness of city life. All those rainbows, all that leashless longboarding, miles and miles away from Sydney’s rotten urbanity, but now rivalling Margaret River as the sharkiest joint in Australia.
Here’s the latest attack:
A 32-year-old bodyboarder, Matt Lee, was surfing with his pals at Lighthouse Beach, Ballina, around 10 when he was hit on the legs by a four-metre (close enough to 15-foot) Great White.
Pals helped him to the beach, paramedics stiffed the blood (it took ’em an hour to stabilise him), and he’s been airlifted to Gold Coast Hospital. He survived emergency surgery but remains in a serious condition.
(Who remembers a fatal attack at Lighthouse? Yeah, 2008, 16-year-old bodyboarder Peter Edmonds hit… twice.)
Back in February, Japanese surfer Tadashi Nakahara died when he was hit by a suspected Great White at the next beach. Out of nowhere, Tad was paddling back out when the (maybe) White hit him from below. Took off both legs. That attack happened a day after another surfer was attacked a couple of clicks up the coast at Seven Mile Beach, Lennox.
Last September, a swimmer died in waist-deep water when he was hit by a suspected Great White just near the Pass in Byron.
Today, one day after the attack at Lighthouse, a surfer was knocked off his board by a shark at Lennox Head. Uninjured, but fuck.
All beaches are now shut between Tallows and Ballina which ain’t great news for the two million or so kids at Skull Candy’s Gromfest at Lennox which has been suspended.
The Department of Primary Industries has authorised a permit for the great white, which is still hanging around (see video) to be destroyed.
Last year, the Hawaiian Mason Ho won the Backdoor Shootout and placed second at the Volcom Pipe Pro, beating Kelly Slater in the process. The year before he owned Sunset and finished third at the Volcom Pipe Pro.
Dino Andino, father of Kolohe, has known Mason since “forever” and says that Mason has an “uncanny ability to rider the tube, to control the speed of the wave” and that, alongside John John and Jamie O, “he’s the guy out there. When it’s heavy he’s just getting started.”
Why should you even throw yourself out at the world’s best, but most dangerous, wave? What have you got to gain, anyway?
“Well, first,” says Mason, “every little surf town has that one spot where all the heavies go, where all the icons and all the tourists go, and on the North Shore it’s… Pipe.
Have I sold his qualities? Now let’s hear his three tips on how to cut yourself a slice of the greatest wave on earth, Pipeline.
1. Don’t shoulder hop at Backdoor
“Okay, this is counter-intuitive,” says Mason.”You spend the whole beginner years of your life believing the shoulder is safer. But Backdoor is dangerous on the shoulder. You’re going to take off with the lip on the shoulder. So! Kick back, wait for the best wave, and takeoff behind the peak. A bonus is you’ll actually get deep.”
2. How to make the barrel at Pipe
“It’s a series of connect-the-dots,” says Mason, who admittedly, does it better than anybody. “Everybody sees different lines but there’s always a certain line, an instinctual line. There’s bubbles, there’s a double-up, all this stuff coming down the wave. You need to draw a line across it all and just… shoot. You beat off the chop, you beat down the double-up, you ride-out the foam-ball.” Confidence? Yeah, you need it.
3. Ride a bigger board than you think
Mason has got his act down to a point where he can ride a larger-than-average board, in his case a six-three, and catch anything. And not just the outer reef roll-ins, but even the radical inside ledges. “I like to move around when I paddle,” says Mason, who enjoys the momentum a larger board gives. “The bigger boards make it easier to roll in, sure, but it’s nice to have a big board to swing around under the ledge. I don’t die big boards all the time but they do help me get to where I want to go.”