"My life was a mess. I cried every day," says Michel Bourez
New shit has come to light.
I went to AGENDA today, the massive action/extreme sport retail tradeshow, in Long Beach, California. The last action/extreme sport retail tradeshow I had been to was MAGIC in Las Vegas maybe ten years ago. It was the same, or that is what I thought as I was approaching. Same people, same fashion, same look, same feel. Nifty hair, tighter pants, canvas shoes, t-shirt, tattoo. Lame. And then I realized that I looked the same as everyone I had just mentally called “lame” (minus the canvas shoe and I’m wearing my denim less tight these days). And then I realized that I knew every single one of them. And then the rock that I had unleashed came whirling back around and hit me in the head.
Mahalo, you fucking surfers.
You goddamn nerds.
I’m just kidding.
We’re all part of the tribe.
And it is a great great tribe.
In any case, there were wetsuits at AGENDA (I assume) and then I saw this on the Internet under the heading “tech.” “Top 5 Best Wetsuits for Surfing.” I clicked because I was curious and then became very confused. (click here to be very confused)
I would say “Top 5 Best Wetsuits for Surfing” are:
1) A Japanese brand that you have never heard of.
2) A Japanese brand that you have never heard of.
3) Narval wetsuits.
4) A Japanese brand that you have never heard of.
5) Whatever is in your garage.
Now you will fit in with the tribe better. If you have tattoos. And two cuffs on your pant leg. And canvas shoes. And a t-shirt that says something but not too much. And facial hair. And nifty hair.
Mick's spike goes straight to the vein…
These lil GoPro clips where a pro surfer gives you a guided tour of a wave are a bit of a roulette wheel. Who knows what you’re going to get? Some are better than others, and this, of Mick Fanning, is unusually short.
But contained within it’s one minute is Mick on a wave that feels like one of those twisty carnival rides where you can’t tell whether you’re excited or ready to throw up. Even at the end, it feels like your head is still spinning.
What I get out of these POV waves is how compressed, how twisted the best pro’s turns are. The motherfuckers…slam… their turns.
Y'either going to love (and maybe weep!) or hurl…
(A note from the editor: Ain’t it the damnedest thing, how a simple piece of cinema or whatever can make one vomit, the other weep with joy. This advertisement for Samsung telephones, for instance, made Rory Parker furious. “It’s a bunch of pandering garbage that everyone is just gobbling up. I don’t get the appeal at all,” he told me. I soaked it up. I wasn’t entirely convinced by the voice-over, and when I read the transcript of the commercial without the vision I cringed, but the rest I loved. They totally get it. But, then, as someone who forever ponders the brevity of life, is convinced they have some kind of terminal disease waiting to germinate and who cried and cried and cried when I first saw Blue Crush on a plane, I ain’t the best person to ask. Whatevs, here’s Rory’s take.)
Isn’t it cool how we’re all, like, one brotherhood? Look, we’re wearing the same boardshorts. That’s sick, I got mine at my local shop on sale. They’re usually $90 a pair, but I get the hook-up ‘cuz they know me, 5% off everything in the shop.
Not boards though, but that’s just because they don’t sell ’em anymore.
Isn’t it cool how being a surfer means that we, like, totally get each other? It’s such a spiritual thing, sharing waves at my local beach break. If a dude forgets his wax I’ll totally let him use mine.
Did you hear about Bob? He’s making bank down in Nica. Rents out rooms at this place he leases, charges people a hundred bucks a night. Like, no overhead because local wages are so low. And, you know, you actually shouldn’t pay them more regardless of how much you’re taking in. It’d be bad for the local economy.
Have you seen that new ad Samsung paid some people to make?
So cool, it totally gets surfing.
“We are greater than I,” that’d be a sweet tattoo. The whole thing does a really sick job of encompassing what surfing is, and how much surfers really like each other. One tribe, bro, only a surfer knows the feeling. Life’s better in boardshorts.
I’m so stoked that a company finally gets us.
And, oh dude, the ending!
This full on spiritual paddle out thing, people splashing water and, like, totally shouting empty nonsense into the void. It really validates my self image. I can’t wait for what they come up with next.
Honey on face! Getting "French Aggressive!"
Our sport’s pillar of beauty, grace, and poise, Ms. Stephanie Gilmore, graces the Grey Lady’s pages today, in a Style feature titled, bluntly, “The Look of a Champion Surfer.”
Steph is her bright and shiny self, and takes the time to discuss the finer points of her “beauty regimen.”
Most of it is pretty useless to a 31-year-old man in possession of the face and body he deserves. But what a thrill, hearing of Steph’s delicious sunburn remedy:
“If I ever get a sunburn, I’ll put honey on my face,” she says. Honey! Nature’s true nectar!
“It’s healing. You can leave it on for five to 10 minutes, and you think it’s super sticky, but it washes right off. It’s a beautiful little trick of mine.”
There’s a joke in there re: “it’s super sticky, but it washes right off…” but I’m not the man to tell it. But I will say this: what a shame it is that no worthy man has risen to the occasion and offered to help her get that sticky honey off her sun-smooched face!
Steph says that, at night, she’s been “going a little more “French aggressive” as of late — a little cat-eye, a little Givenchy mascara, a little Chanel Rouge. She channels Elle Macpherson, “that dewy bronzed beach babe look” a la Gigi Hadid.
She touches on her diet’s more sinful indulgence — a signature orange and almond cake involving something called a Thermomomix — as well as how she likes to “keep it fresh.”
“There’s nothing better than a beautiful piece of fish with a yummy salad,” she says.
Oh, Steph! You can be the beautiful piece of fish in our yummy salad any day, darling.