How to: fail at Hawaii!

The seven dumb mistakes people make when they cut off a slice of paradise… 

Moving to Hawaii, and making things work in the long term, comes down to your first six months.  Man, are those babies a doozy! Broke as shit, not knowing anyone, struggling to find work, a place to live, banging your head against the pervasive nepotism present in a place that puts a premium on interpersonal relationships.

It’s hard as hell and most people give up.  My mother gave up after three days.

Which makes it even more difficult for the people who stick it out. Employers don’t want someone who may bounce in two months, and you’ll be kept at an arms length by your new friends. No reason to get close when you’ll probably bail back home at the first sign of hardship.

I’ve seen so many people come and go over the last seven years, and they all make the same mistakes.

Have a problem with being broke

It doesn’t matter how smart you are, or how good your skill set is, wages are lower than the mainland and the cost of living is way higher. Your quality of life is going to take a major hit, if you measure it in financial assets.

Learn to find joy in the free things. Hike, surf, dive, head down to Ehukai and bask in the glorious under-aged ass cavorting in the shorebreak.

Offer unsolicited opinions

No one wants to hear how you feel about the Hawaiian sovereignty movement or about how tourism supports the state (for the record, menial jobs that don’t pay a living wage don’t count for shit), or about how hard it is being a white man in Hawaii or that the anti telescope/anti GMO/anti whatever activists are idiots.

Unless you’re enlisted and live on base. Those are really the only things those people talk about.

Smoke meth

It’s un-fucking-real how many people move to Hawaii and start smoking meth. It doesn’t even make sense. A tropical wonderland that lives life at a crawl calls for downers, not uppers.

Think that living outdoors is an option

Yeah, you can sleep on the beach, in certain areas. But it ain’t some fun outdoorsy solo trip. You’ve got neighbors, lots of them. There’s the angry meth addict with two vicious pit bulls tied up outside his shanty. There’s the off-his-meds schizo who fell through the cracks creeping in the bushes. There’s the strung-out single mom with five kids living out of their ramshackle mini van. And forget about living on Oahu’s North Shore, you’re headed for Waianae. If you think the corpo surf world is cool with you pitching a tent and roasting weenies in front of their beach rental you’ve got another think coming.

Pick up a pidgin accent

If you live here long enough you can’t help but adopt some words. No matter how hard I try, I find myself saying “shoots” and “manini” and “no need.”

But there’s a certain type of haole that tries to fit in by employing an ersatz accent. “Ho, brah, we go holo holo” sounds fucking retarded when you have a nasal Cali twang.

Steal fruit

Seriously, never pick fruit without asking permission. You’ll get your ass kicked and the cops won’t do shit, because you had it coming.

Be a hippy

I’ve noticed this is more of a thing on Kauai. Little dorks running up credit card debt while pretending to chase enlightenment. No one, and I mean no one, likes hippies. They’re filthy dirty and they stink. Which is totally unacceptable in a place with the ocean, plenty of public showers, and a million streams to rinse your foul body in.