Who doesn't want their own little John John?
I turned thirty five this year, an interesting
development in what’s been a pretty damn interesting life. Not to
try and sound all cool, “I didn’t think I’d live this long.”
I’m fairly certain I’ll survive to be a lonely old asshole
screaming at the neighbor kids for riding their hover boards in
front of my house. At least until one of them gets all hopped up on
space meth, dresses up like an interstellar kabuki whore, kicks
down my front door, and indulges in a little bit of the ol’
ultraviolence.
Probably nothing that awesome, but I’ll definitely hang onto
life long past the point when my antics cease to be amusing.
Everyone I know is popping out kids, playing daddy, settling
down and doing all the shit I’ve tried my damnedest to avoid. Sure,
sure, being a father is amazing. Your body releases all these
chemicals to make sure you don’t kill it, you can bash it into
fulfilling all those dreams you deferred to keep the thing fed.
Such a blessing!
If you say so.
I’ve been very successful, to the best of my knowledge, at
ensuring none of the cell divisions I’ve accidentally helped
kick-start over the years survived past the first trimester. I like
my independence, I love my free time, I adore my disposable
income.
Sure, sure, being a father is amazing. Your body releases
all these chemicals to make sure you don’t kill it, you can bash it
into fulfilling all those dreams you deferred to keep the thing
fed. Such a blessing!
But, you know, people are gonna breed, and I guess that’s an
okay thing. Gotta keep the species alive. And since we, the
Millennials, the extreme generation, were raised on alternative
sports, energy drinks, and a total lack of job security, there’s
little as forward thinking as pushing your offspring into a career
in which they will perpetually be treated as a disposable commodity
by an industry built around catering to teenage fashion tends.
Addiction Dad
What better way to teach your child the true meanings of
maturity, responsibility, and self-reliance than by making sure
they know they’ll always play second banana to whatever substance
you love to smoke, snort, imbibe, or blast into your veins?
By far the easiest path, it only requires that you occasionally
make a half-assed effort of doing right by your progeny. Show up
unexpected on a birthday or Christmas, swear that your problems are
in the past, then run for the hills the moment things get real. Do
it right and the kid will always crave your approval, and when
you’re a broken-down old piece of shit they’ll have enough pity to
make sure you’re comfortable while you slip toward the abyss.
Beware, though, gone too long and there’s no going back. Then
your only recourse is writing a pathetic tell all blaming everyone
else for your woes.
(Click here!) or maybe (Click here!)
Addiction is a disease! Of course, spending your life on the
wrong end of a truck stop glory hole ends in disease as well.
Domineering Dad
Blow that whistle, run that camera, suck out every bit of joy.
This is sport, this is work, this is serious!
Build yourself a shallow home school retard, so focused on a
single pursuit that there’s no going back.
Call yourself their “manager,” negotiate lucrative contracts, be
sure to wet your beak. Why put the earnings aside, building
interest and a secure future should things go pear shaped and they
only achieve workhorse pro status? Your kids are your property,
what’s theirs is yours.
Absent Dad
A subspecies of Addiction Dad, all you need do is make a quick
run to the corner store for smokes one day. Maybe get sidetracked
for thirty years or so.
Relatively simple, though least likely to pay off for yourself,
there’s something to be said for the motivation created by the
absence of fatherly love. Maybe you’ll come home if they can do a
better cutback. Maybe you’ll see they won their NSSA division and
show up on their doorstep with all those missed gifts, full of
advice and approval, ready to be that role model they so
desperately craved.
Of course, it ain’t gonna happen. But kids are dumb, they don’t
know that.
Loving Dad
The kindest path, the one we all crave, but let’s be honest, no
one’s ever achieved greatness by liking what they see staring back
from the mirror each day.
Greatness is built by self loathing, by the sense that one’s
best will never be good enough.
So, yeah, love and cherish and coddle and dote on your young
ones. If you want them to turn out to be well balanced and happy
losers.
