Slater, Reynolds, out, Fanning strong, Bede dials nines…
On paper, there is no way Kelly Slater can beat Kolohe Andino in three-foot, one-hit righthanders. Kelly knows it, he’s been there before. He saw his mortality in the crisp autumn lineups of France and Portugal two years when he was stomped in consecutive events, in similar conditions, by Filipe Toledo (France) and a week later by the wildcard Frederico Morais (currently 54th on the WQS).
It’s why he wasn’t coming to Europe. The forecast for eight-foot barrels got him as far as France.
“Kelly’s airs are nineties style,” said the commentator Ross Williams in explanation.
And, therefore, in the three-foot, offshore retarded and therefore slowish waves, Kelly had zero chance of winning, not even if he’d squeezed the sex and balls of the head judge and allowed him to spurt sperm on his breasts in a sentimental wank the night before.
But, ah, the mystical ecstasy of Kelly Slater!
Kolohe greets the heat with a straight air, much float time, eight point five.
Kelly finds a tube, as he tends to do, but a (generous) seven points is, clearly, as good as it’s going to get.
Kolohe snatches another score via an air reverse, landing greased.
In response, Kelly moves a couple of hundred metres down the beach, among a gang of kids surfing, to a crummy, backwash-ridden right. And it freaks Kolohe out. Priority is useless.
Kolohe bangs the water, he raises his hands, he makes shapes in the air.
The waves Kelly gets are sub-standard, but he’s inside Kolohe’s head and it’s so…mystical!
Eventually, physics prevail, and Kolohe wins. Afterwards, he fumes: “I asked 10 different people if we could surf the other right. They told me I couldn’t.”
Kelly, who is abnormally sensitive to losing, even when it’s obvious it has to happen, explains his loss with, “I got hurt ribs.”
Watch Kelly Slater nearly construct artificial win out of heat with Kolohe Andino here.
Italo Ferreira was anything but psycho-rigid! Unpredictable! “I thanked God for that last right!” said the good Catholic.
Bede v Ace, nines everywhere. Tenacious fascination!
John John Florence gives more ecstasy than an versatile artificial vagina with radiometric sensor that allows the prediction of ejaculation and the consequent modification of stimulation!
Dane was the most beautiful thing in the contest, but he… lost! Slapped on the head by Owen Wright.
Oh, Mick! His nerves are immobile. Fifteen seconds left and he rides the wave of the heat, a nine, and slings past the French wildcard Max Huscenot.
Watch six hours of surfing compressed into one minute!
QUIKSILVER PRO FRANCE ROUND 4 MATCH-UPS:
Heat 1: Julian Wilson (AUS), Jadson Andre (BRA), Kolohe Andino (USA)
Heat 2: Italo Ferreira (BRA), Bede Durbidge (AUS), Mick Fanning (AUS)
Heat 3: Adriano De Souza (BRA), John John Florence (HAW), Jeremy Flores (FRA)
Heat 4: Gabriel Medina (BRA), Matt Wilkinson (AUS), Owen Wright (AUS)
QUIKSILVER PRO FRANCE ROUND 3 RESULTS:
Heat 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.17 def. Brett Simpson (USA) 10.34
Heat 2: Jadson Andre (BRA) 13.17 def. Nat Young (USA) 12.97
Heat 3: Kolohe Andino (USA) 15.77 def. Kelly Slater (USA) 14.20
Heat 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 13.60 def. Keanu Asing (HAW) 13.10
Heat 5: Bede Durbidge (AUS) 18.37 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 17.40
Heat 6: Mick Fanning (AUS) 17.83 def. Maxime Huscenot (FRA) 16.04
Heat 7: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 14.17 def. Tomas Hermes (BRA) 12.73
Heat 8: John John Florence (HAW) 16.33 def. Kai Otton (AUS) 15.33
Heat 9: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 10.46 def. Michel Bourez (PYF) 10.14
Heat 10: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 18.70 def. C.J. Hobgood (USA) 14.23
Heat 11: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 16.00 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 12.50
Heat 12: Owen Wright (AUS) 14.83 def. Dane Reynolds (USA) 10.97
Just a suggestion, You could always just stay over at CoastalWatch if you prefer Sean’s comp write ups… the comments section needs all the help it can get.
I think, reading Michel Houellebecq if my stolen quotes google is not mistaken.
In a pantheon of appalling writing O’Reilly surely this must rank with your worst. ‘… spurt sperm on his breasts…’ FFS. Can’t you moderate that shit Negs?
I’m pretty sure Chris Cote is ghost writing much of the WSL content.
I think they might have started outsourcing the writing.
I’ll let the man off, It was a late Saturday night watching with the time difference… I imagine afew cocktails may have been consumed in the process.
Dell’s always gunna squeeze the homoerotic sauce bottle one time too many but at least he’s consistent.
It’s not like anyone reads him for restraint.
Apparently the mommy porn market is over-saturated already.
Bizarre calls from Doherty.
Kolohe the future of American surfing? Not even close….maybe a top ten finisher, more likely a journeyman career beckons.
Marquee talent? He’s America’s Bede Durbidge minus the power and poise if he can tame the petulant sense of entitlement. He probably lacks the self awareness and intelligence to get that far. Good advertisement for home schooling, not.
Why the fuck would a Trestles bank impersonation be bad for Fanning? The judges have already decided that is the Gold Standard for CT surfing in 2015. And they duly rewarded it yet again. The conservative contagion continues. It’s like the Tea Party in charge of the judging panel.
Reynolds looked great? Nope. He looked the same as every other event where he faces the slightest bit of pressure. Fragile, uncomfortable, awkward and boggy as hell. His time as wildcard is almost up, let alone as some kind of post-Kelly messiah the WSL can take to the bank. His future legacy rests with the foresight of running the Curren post-contest line and making a statement in classic locations. Dear Suburbia squared with the accent on proper waves.
Final little post heat irony for Slater: the heat analyser has incorrectly attributed the win to him. Have we seen Slaters final heat? He couldn’t take much more of this slow burning humiliation surely.
The judging of this contest must of been very confusing for Dane. Big one hit maneuvers and he gets a six. Does three, well linked together turns on a crappy,retarded wave and gets a six.
that was the most Mick 9 ever.
Medina’s performance was so boring it didn’t rate a mention?
Whack, whack, whack, whacky… most dull path to a heat total of 18.70 ever.
Ace and Bebe made him look like Damian Hardman out there.
Otto’s goat boat performance on the other hand was way more entertaining.
Surely this is Wilkos time.
Yeah it is
Tick tock , time to go Kelly.