Slater, Reynolds, out, Fanning strong, Bede dials nines…
On paper, there is no way Kelly Slater can beat Kolohe Andino in three-foot, one-hit righthanders. Kelly knows it, he’s been there before. He saw his mortality in the crisp autumn lineups of France and Portugal two years when he was stomped in consecutive events, in similar conditions, by Filipe Toledo (France) and a week later by the wildcard Frederico Morais (currently 54th on the WQS).
It’s why he wasn’t coming to Europe. The forecast for eight-foot barrels got him as far as France.
“Kelly’s airs are nineties style,” said the commentator Ross Williams in explanation.
And, therefore, in the three-foot, offshore retarded and therefore slowish waves, Kelly had zero chance of winning, not even if he’d squeezed the sex and balls of the head judge and allowed him to spurt sperm on his breasts in a sentimental wank the night before.
But, ah, the mystical ecstasy of Kelly Slater!
Kolohe greets the heat with a straight air, much float time, eight point five.
Kelly finds a tube, as he tends to do, but a (generous) seven points is, clearly, as good as it’s going to get.
Kolohe snatches another score via an air reverse, landing greased.
In response, Kelly moves a couple of hundred metres down the beach, among a gang of kids surfing, to a crummy, backwash-ridden right. And it freaks Kolohe out. Priority is useless.
Kolohe bangs the water, he raises his hands, he makes shapes in the air.
The waves Kelly gets are sub-standard, but he’s inside Kolohe’s head and it’s so…mystical!
Eventually, physics prevail, and Kolohe wins. Afterwards, he fumes: “I asked 10 different people if we could surf the other right. They told me I couldn’t.”
Kelly, who is abnormally sensitive to losing, even when it’s obvious it has to happen, explains his loss with, “I got hurt ribs.”
Watch Kelly Slater nearly construct artificial win out of heat with Kolohe Andino here.
Italo Ferreira was anything but psycho-rigid! Unpredictable! “I thanked God for that last right!” said the good Catholic.
Bede v Ace, nines everywhere. Tenacious fascination!
John John Florence gives more ecstasy than an versatile artificial vagina with radiometric sensor that allows the prediction of ejaculation and the consequent modification of stimulation!
Dane was the most beautiful thing in the contest, but he… lost! Slapped on the head by Owen Wright.
Oh, Mick! His nerves are immobile. Fifteen seconds left and he rides the wave of the heat, a nine, and slings past the French wildcard Max Huscenot.
Watch six hours of surfing compressed into one minute!
QUIKSILVER PRO FRANCE ROUND 4 MATCH-UPS:
Heat 1: Julian Wilson (AUS), Jadson Andre (BRA), Kolohe Andino (USA)
Heat 2: Italo Ferreira (BRA), Bede Durbidge (AUS), Mick Fanning (AUS)
Heat 3: Adriano De Souza (BRA), John John Florence (HAW), Jeremy Flores (FRA)
Heat 4: Gabriel Medina (BRA), Matt Wilkinson (AUS), Owen Wright (AUS)
QUIKSILVER PRO FRANCE ROUND 3 RESULTS:
Heat 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.17 def. Brett Simpson (USA) 10.34
Heat 2: Jadson Andre (BRA) 13.17 def. Nat Young (USA) 12.97
Heat 3: Kolohe Andino (USA) 15.77 def. Kelly Slater (USA) 14.20
Heat 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 13.60 def. Keanu Asing (HAW) 13.10
Heat 5: Bede Durbidge (AUS) 18.37 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 17.40
Heat 6: Mick Fanning (AUS) 17.83 def. Maxime Huscenot (FRA) 16.04
Heat 7: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 14.17 def. Tomas Hermes (BRA) 12.73
Heat 8: John John Florence (HAW) 16.33 def. Kai Otton (AUS) 15.33
Heat 9: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 10.46 def. Michel Bourez (PYF) 10.14
Heat 10: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 18.70 def. C.J. Hobgood (USA) 14.23
Heat 11: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 16.00 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 12.50
Heat 12: Owen Wright (AUS) 14.83 def. Dane Reynolds (USA) 10.97