Rule #7, don't let my wife pay for everything. I need money for boards, spearguns and drugs…
It’s that time of the year again. Winter swells are on their way, bringing with them ten million wannabes, never-wills, and hangers-on.
And house guests, always house guests.
Which isn’t a problem. I enjoy visitors, if for no other reason than a fresh set of eyes really helps keep the stoke alive. Too easy to find yourself driving through a tropical paradise at the end of a hard day hating everything, everyone. Life is just soooooo miserable. Even when it ain’t. Especially then.
The vast majority of people are phenomenal guests. Polite, appreciative, helpful, a true joy to hang with and sure to be invited back. But there are always outliers, the type of fool who rocks up with an “I’m on vacation” mindset and figures they can do whatever the hell they want. Which you can, if you’re dropping a few hundred a night on a hotel room.
#1 Bring gifts: People always ask, “Is there anything I can bring you?” Which is very thoughtful, much appreciated. But we don’t exactly live in the third world. It’s a near thing, sometimes, but Amazon Prime will get us whatever we need.
Except for Trader Joe’s candy. If you’re coming from California, and really want a happy host, fill a bag with that shit and present it on arrival. If you forget, or don’t have time, or whatever, it’s hardly a deal breaker. But a good first impression goes a long way toward earning forgiveness for any unintentional trespasses. You may get drunk and spill a beer on my laptop, but if you filled my wife’s belly full of chocolates we’ll get over it.
# 2 Clean up: A no-brainer for older travelers, but something the younger types often forget. We may be your parents’ age, but we aren’t Mom and Dad. In addition to the fact that we may try to have sex with you (leave your hang-ups on the mainland, haole), we do not want to pick up your mess. We don’t want to pick up our own. But I can guarantee my wife made me scrub the place top to bottom before your arrival, so a little assistance maintaining the pretense that we don’t live in our own filth is much appreciated.
Simple shit. When you see some dishes in the sink, wash ’em. If there are no clean towels, toss a load in the machine. You don’t need to mop the floors or clean the window screens, just contribute a little more than you would at home.
# 3 Bring money: The missus and I are doing okay financially these days, but that was not always the case. Hawaii is mind-blowingly expensive, and our first few years were a hard scrabble, beg the electric company not to shut off service, five bucks ’til payday struggle. All worth it, in the long run, but far from easy. I think most people are aware that’s a common plight out here.
Which was why I was shocked the day I picked up a guest at the HNL airport and learned she not only had an empty wallet, but an overdrawn checking account.
“Just loan me some money while I’m here. I’ll pay you back when I get home.”
Only problem, that assumed I had some extra cash. Which I did not. I barely had enough to feed myself and my wife, much less subsidize the bar crawls of a third party.
“It’s okay, I can get guys to buy me drinks, I just need a little cash during the day.”
She was not invited back.
# 4 Live by my schedule, not yours: I know you’re on holiday, and Hawaiian time is a very real thing, but that doesn’t mean you can move at a snail’s pace whenever it’s time to get ready. You’ve got a free place to crash and someone to show you around, don’t leave you tour guide waiting for two hours while you slowly get your act together. My wife doesn’t mind, but at a a certain point I’m just gonna leave you behind.
# 5 Wake the fuck up: Maybe you like to sleep ’til noon at home. That’s fine, I don’t care. But if you’re crashing on a couch and someone starts banging around at 6am, tough shit. Time to wake the fuck up. Don’t moan, roll over, and try to go back to sleep. Your alarm clock is your host, do not cramp their style just so you can catch a little more shut eye.
# 6 Don’t bring anyone home: You may, or may not, be able to find yourself a fun little vacation hump while you’re visiting. If you do, congratulations, good times! But take your target back to their place to plow. If you’re on Oahu while the tour’s in town the male/female ratio is even worse than usual. A woman can cruise through Foodland and have a million cocks flung her way, for guys it’s a harder slog.
One time a hammered guest went missing from a North Shore bar right before last call. The wife was worried, I figured she either scored some dick or was murdered. No reason to worry, we’d know for sure soon enough.
We woke up to her sleeping on the couch, over coffee she regaled us with the tale of her previous night.
“It was so romantic. He took me to a deserted beach, we made love under the stars. I came so hard! Then he dropped me off and went home.”
Right on, you do you. I’m sure it will always be a fond memory. But, later, as we headed to the beach, I came across a pair of thong underwear in the dirt near our car.
“Hey, are these yours?”
“Oh my god, yes! I thought I left them at the beach.”
“Dude, he didn’t take you to the beach! He fucked you in a ditch, like a pile of garbage!”
She did not find it as funny as I did.
# 7 Don’t let my wife pay for everything: She’ll try to, but I need that money to spend on surfboards and spearguns and drugs.
# 8 No, you can’t borrow my boards: I mean, maybe you can. But don’t assume. I used to have a quiver of shitty boards reserved specifically for visitors, so I didn’t have to worry about someone using the reef to punch a hole through one of my bright and whites. But they got stolen by meth addicts, so now all that’s left are planks I actually like.
# 9 Get a rental car: Your host is not your chauffeur and the buss won’t let you bring a surfboard. With the money you’re saving on hotel costs you can swing a cheap rental for at least a few days. Check Discount Hawaii Car Rentals, they’ve usually got a solid hook up.
# 10 Don’t jerk off on my couch: Use the shower, like a decent human being. Or, fuck, at the very least don’t let me catch you. It’s gonna make me feel awkward when you’re gone and I fancy a nooner tug. Because you can rest assured that I’ve rubbed one out on every sleeping surface in my home.
# 11 Have a departure date: No return ticket, no dice. Like legions of previous transplants have already found, you won’t be able to find a job that pays a living wage and a place to stay in any fashion resembling quickly. Guests are great, roommates are a whole ‘nother matter. Thanks to a previous experience with a family member we have a hard two week limit.
If you think I won’t put you on the streets at the end of that time, you’ve got a hard lesson coming.