Candid: In Defence of Chris Ward

Wait, is this a classic bait and switch?

The wife and I have an arrangement where, when we’re at that point all couples eventually reach, when you’re both totally sick of arguing but still super angry at each other and neither is willing to concede defeat, that we’re allowed to hit each other.

It adds up to a nice little smack, but can’t cause any real damage (a worry for me since I’m, literally, twice my wife’s size and love her very, very much). It always works for calming us both down. You get the catharsis of delivering a blow, and receive one of your own to remind you that it hurts.

It’s a rarely invoked situation, and comes with a few rules.

  1. You must stand feet together, facing each other.
  2. No twisting at the waist or reaching past your shoulder to wind up.
  3. Fingertips only. No striking with palms allowed.
  4. Aim for cheek only.

It adds up to a nice little smack, but can’t cause any real damage (a worry for me since I’m, literally, twice my wife’s size and love her very, very much). It always works for calming us both down. You get the catharsis of delivering a blow, and receive one of your own to remind you that it hurts.

I’m not recommending this for other couples. Far from it.

We’ve got a very unique take on how to build a successful relationship and while what we do has worked for a decade and a half I suspect it’d be a bit much for normal people.

Anyway, this is all a very strange and round-a-bout way of asking a simple question- have you seen the Dane clip Surfer’s Journal posted today? 

Shot by Kai Neville, edited by Dane, himself, it’s three-and-a-half minutes of pure splendor.

I suspect that Dane and Courtney have a weird relationship, something along the lines of the wife and me. I think you need to, if you’re going to meet young and stick together for the duration.

People change a lot over the years, to assume the person you fell in love with will remain in stasis for the rest of their life is naive. And when you’re both creative people, you’ve gotta make allowances for the neuroses that generate that type of personality.

Did you know that we both have French Bulldogs?

Ours is named Mr. Eugene Victor Debs. He’s pure fucking awesome, though no where near calm enough to pose for adorable pictures.

And he won’t take a shit if someone is watching him.

Which I understand. I’ve had to explain to my wife, on multiple occasions, that I feel the same way.

Like, at the very least don’t make eye contact, honey.

Chris Ward Michele Ward
Michele Ward writes: Nobody ever said love was easy. It's hard. It's amazing. You fall, you cry, you laugh. You take time to realize your part and you invite God in. You fight for your family and love unconditionally, accept flaws, embrace beautiful days...and never forget the Lord can restore all. @psycho_ward137 Photo:|| @rraudiovisual #love#family

Redemption: Social Media Saves Wardo?

…oh, the power of Facebook!

Ain’t 2015 the most wonderful time to be alive? We have it all! World leaders who unite to stop global warming, proud men and women gather together to decry religious intolerance and social medias to keep in touch with our thousands and thousands of friends!

Yesterday we reported on the very public apparent disintegration of Chris Ward’s marriage. There were pictures of his wife with a bruised face, maybe hacked Instagram accounts and Facebook harangues.

Oh the pain of living in glass houses. This might have been kept a private matter but in 2015 everything gets pushed to the public sphere.

An impossible tidal wave! So bad for relationships maybe.

But today we see the flipside, we see the loving caresses of a public rushing in and trying to help, providing advice, even shoulders to cry on! So good for relationships maybe! Social medias can act as therapists couches without the exorbitant financial cost. They can be personal Oprah Winfreys. So totally American!

Chris Ward took to his Facebook, you see, as a result of a public outpouring and wrote:

“Im really sorry for the post I did last night I may have said something that caused a big blowout. I wasn’t intentionally trying to bash anyone I was just letting out my emotions I haven’t got anyone to really talk to that will listen. Yep you can say it was foolish to post my first thoughts and I let my emotions get the better of me but Im as real as it gets I may have over reacted and sorry to my my friends and Michele Marie Ward for making such accusations Maybe i got the wrong empression but this guy should have never been that close to your face. But if i had not gone there i would have saw nothing. Ill stay home next time its healthy. Then we can trade off. ONLY GOOD VIBES TO EVERYONE THANKS FOR BEING CONCERNED everyone goes thought stuff like this in life thats just LIFE gotta grow up and handle STAY Strong especially the ones you love the most PEACE!!!!!”

A marriage perhaps saved because a wound was made public? What if it was allowed to fester in the dark night of privacy? Might it have blown out in some other way?

Michele Ward might be a little tougher to convince, however.

Screen Shot 2015-12-16 at 6.23.57 am

But look, just eight weeks ago.

Chris and Michele M Ward
Go grab your favorite person and watch the sunset. Breathe in what God has given us. Although life’s not always perfect, when you keep the ones that matter most to you close, everyday is a good day at the end … @psycho_ward137 #sanclemente #love #photooftheday #blessed #sunset

There is still the matter of a hacked Wikipedia page….oh hacking!

Screen Shot 2015-12-16 at 1.31.21 AM

What a bother you are! And the bruised face. What was that about? And the little gay hipster? Why so close?

But in this day and age it was the good vibes of the concerned that shone brightest of all.

Bad Santa
Santa: You got some lip on you midget. Rory: Yeah? Well these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? Asshole!

Inspired: BeachGrit’s Xmas Gift Guide!

What do you buy the godless heathen? A Kendo practice sword and The History of Surfing!

We don’t celebrate Christmas in my house. The wife and I are godless heathens, so dedicating a day to some Jewish kid’s birth doesn’t make much sense. And we’ve got no children, so we don’t have to submit to pageantry just so our little one fits in with his peers.

Plus, Christmas trees are insane fucking fire hazards. Seriously, I can’t believe people merrily co-exist with a sap filled firebomb for weeks each year.

We do celebrate Chronica which, despite appearances, is not a portmanteau of Christmas and Hanukkah. It’s a non-denominational way to obliquely threaten your nearest and dearest.

I’ll write more about it in the near future. Most likely on a day, like today, that I don’t have any good ideas.

Yesterday I saw that The Inertia ran a “gifts for surfers” article and realized, “Hey, that’s not a bad idea.” Tons of people are probably searching that term, why not steal the idea, and a few clicks along with it? And maybe Mr Rielly can set up an Amazon affiliate account so we can monetize the thing.

A knife: Knives are both useful and dangerous, which makes them the ultimate gift for pretty much everyone. Whether you need to slice some cheese, open a beer, or stab a pesky hobo, if you’ve got a trusty blade on you you’re a-okay.


I’m a big fan of both Kershaw and Spyderco brand knives. Their mid range offerings are sturdy, affordable, and set up for neat-o one handed opening.

I’ve got, literally, a drawer jam packed with knives, though my favorite, and the one I carry most often, is the Kershaw Blur. It’s heavy duty, and the sweet SpeedSafe tech means it’s basically a switchblade, while skirting laws that make switchblades illegal.

Don’t expect the cops to know that, though. It’ll still get you ticketed, and if you’re black in America, it’ll get you shot.

Mfused Vapor Oil: I’ve got a bunch of these things rattling around my house right now, and I really dig ’em. As far as drug use goes, it makes me feel like I’m in the future. My vape pen thing plugs into my computer to charge, then these viscous black tubes screw into the top.


It’s like I’m doing some weird future drug out of Robocop or something. All the new terms for smoking weed really feed into that too.

I’m not “taking a bong hit” anymore, I’m “vaping oil.”

There’s a bunch of different types, variously for pain, or providing different highs, though I can’t really tell the difference. Marijuana culture has long been resembling wine dorks with its evaluation of the drug’s effects, unless you’re really into it I think it’s pretty much all the same.

Make no mistake, though. Even if you’re a daily smoker, like me, these guys will leave you on the floor retarded.

Kendo practice swords: Nothing says “Merry Christmas” as much as getting shit-can wasted on high octane eggnog and bashing the hell out of your friends with a set of martial arts practice swords. They won’t break bones, but they definitely leave bruises, and will raise a welt faster than your drunken stepfather the day after grades come home.


Cressi Freedive fins: Dealing with flat spells ain’t so bad once you realize that there’s a whole ‘nother world lurking below the surface. Tons of cool shit to see, to kill, to eat.

The only problem, freediving ranks up there with golf and snowboarding as a sport mostly enjoyed by privileged white people with money to burn. So the gear is all ridiculously overpriced, and separating the useful from the merely cool-looking takes a ton of time and money.

Even though I’m a total gear whore when it comes to diving, my plastic Cressis are the fins I use most often. They’re durable, cheap-ish, and work really well. People will tell you that you can’t dive deep with them, but I’ve never had a problem.


A subscription to Surfline: The perfect way to say “I felt obligated to buy you a gift but I didn’t want to put any effort into thinking about it so I wasted my money on a product that is just as accurate as a million totally free online options.”

The History of Surfing by Matt Warshaw: I went totally digital with my reading material a few years back, and over the course of various moves, threw away almost every book and magazine I owned.


Why lug around a library when you can pirate pretty much everything ever written?

The few physical print copies I held onto are ones that actually mean something to me. In a box in my closet I’ve got a first print Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (the Rolling Stone issues), my collection of Big Brother magazines, a Farside collection, and Warshaw’s tome on surfing. Because it’s gorgeous, I love it, and I just can’t bring myself to toss it in a dumpster.

Those Florence ankles work perfectly for this but maybe not for selling sandals!
Those Florence ankles work perfectly for this but maybe not for selling sandals!

Torturous: The WSL’s Pipeline ads!

The action is sheer brilliance but those commercials? Like, gag!

I have watched almost every heat of this year’s Pipeline Masters because it has been so great and also coincided perfectly with my two-year-old’s school/nanny schedule. Indescribable joy has filled my heart!


When the action ends. It is in these brief windows that my soul is cringes for I know I am going to be served one of four things, each worse than the last!

Billabong, the event’s title sponsor, throws up a commercial that looks like it cost $12.00 and made in 30 minutes. Jingle-jangly hipster guitar, crossed out words, black n’ white…damn it all! Is this the Pipline Masters 2011? Why Billabong? Why so MarineLayer?

But Billabong is the best in class. Next comes a Point Break trailer. Fine enough the first time, aside from tacky voiceover talking about extreme athletes. But I’ve seen lots of different trailers for the film, most better than the one playing between WSL heats. Why can’t they mix it up? Why do we have to watch the same exact one 300 times a day?

But I dream of Point Break when I see Shane Dorian looking gloomily out his window, fondling a picture of his family. Qalo? An action sport medical grade silicon wedding ring available exclusively at Jack’s surf shop? The spot has so much gravitas the viewer might think it is for something meaningful. A silicon wedding band that costs $19? Who in the world thought that would be a good idea?

But I would go buy a Qalo silicon wedding ring and wear it every day if I never had to watch Nathan Florence talk about his Vans slippahs again. “I wear them here and here and here. Not here. And here and here. But never in the house.” His voice was not made to be used. And his ankles, thick and bold, wonderful for bucking chop in massive waves, were not made to be shown.

The action comes back and I thrill again but am left to wonder. This is the WSL’s super bowl and it is living up to its billing. You Can’t Script This™! So many contenders! So fun! But there is no way Qalo is paying for their ad, Billabong and Vans are sponsors and so their spots don’t count which leaves Point Break. After this whole year, after Paul Speaker going to New York and touting geo-tagging and NFL and blah blah blah, Point Break is the only paying customer. A movie with a Christmas release that is trying to appeal to the same exact market as professional surfing. A complete one off. Samsung who?

Is the World Surf League truly a financially viable property outside the 29 million Brazilians who tune in each day (READ ABOUT THEM HERE)? Yeah? It is? Really? Qalo?

But who cares! Still so much fun!

Qalo! For when your wedding is also a paintball war!
Qalo! For when your wedding is also a paintball war!

Fresh Scandal Embroils The Inertia!

What do the NRA and your fav website have in common?

It ain’t easy being the website where “thinking surfers congregate.” All those multiple orgasms under the womb stroking of Zach Wiesberg’s formidable weapon, all those swooning love stews, quickly sour if anyone deviates from the “thinking surfers” script.

Is there a demographic more prone to hysteria and rigidity of thought than one that casts itself as “thinking”?

Recently, The Inertia posted an innocuous story on Facebook called Why Every Surfer Should Know Rescue Breathing with the note, “It’s better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.” While guns are different story, the message applies to rescue breathing: Learn it. Hope you never need to use it.

Guns! Not at the The Inertia where and the Huffington Post are held to the bosom of its readers as beacons of truth and righteousness!

The comments hissed like wildcats.

“Douchebag analogy!”

“Shithouse analogy. The Inertia started out as the the thinking surfer’s blog but it has become the surfer’s version of Fox News, rubbish.”

“How on earth is saving someone’s life related to guns which only cause injury and death!?!?! You are idiots!”

“As others have suggested I think you need to edit the post and get rid of the silly gun quote. Absolute idiocy to make such a comment, especially in the current climate!”

“How much did the NRA pay for this Facebook post??”

“Nobody ever needs a gun! All the mass shootings that happen in the USA prove that the pro gun argument doesn’t work! If it did as soon as a maniac pulls his gun out then John Wayne walking down the street would shoot the bad guy before 10’s or 100’s are killed!! The world is a different place to 1787! Wake up America! Wake up the enertia!!”

“What the hell, Inertia, did you really post that analogy? I had to read it twice. I strongly consider unfollowing the page – not that you care, but i hope more followers will do the same if there’s no respond to all the comments.”

“Like when your 3-year old accidentally kills you with rescue breathing.”

“What kind of idiot uses a gun analogy like that, in these times, to make a point about being an improved human? If that’s you Guillaume Barucq, you’re an effing tool. The Inertia, you need to check it before you wreck it.”

“Create a headline that gets attention. Check…Social Media 101. Gun violence has been in the news a lot lately. Get as much publicity and followers seems to be the Inertias goal. Also, You know surfing is becoming mainstream when media outlets, like this one, get paid to run articles for companies. How else would they get money in an industry where even surfboard builders give up and have machines make their boards for them. Not saying it’s wrong, but surfing is Losing its soul.”

This is my fav: “Why is everybody so butthurt? If someone came into your house with a loaded gun, how else would you protect yourself but by being PREPARED. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

Do you want to join in the voluptuous bonanza?

Click here! 

Scandals at The Inertia are nothing new, of course.

Do you remember when one of its writers begged to have the Brazilian world champ Gabriel Medina suspended and fined? A racist intrigue!

And, when Kauai locals threatened to besiege their Venice Beach office?