Come learn from one of the best in the
game…
I’m hurt, again, and can’t go in the water,
again, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from the last
few years of constant injury it’s that you really need to watch
what you eat when you can’t exercise. I mean, I could jog or
something, but that shit sucks. I’d rather just lay about and
complain until my body is healed enough to do things that are
fun.
Lucky for me, I’m a top notch cook. Not so lucky for me, the
stuff I like to eat is terrible for you.
But not anymore. I recently learned from an internet article I
skimmed but didn’t really understand, that potatoes don’t have any
gluten in them. Which means they’re healthy, somehow. Great news, I
can finally potato my way to that slim figure I so desperately
crave.
I mean, I could jog or something, but that shit sucks. I’d
rather just lay about and complain until my body is healed enough
to do things that are fun. Lucky for me, I’m a top notch cook.
Not so lucky for me, the stuff I like to eat is terrible for
you.
I present “Rory’s Extra Healthy, Low Cal, No Carb, Gluten Free,
non-GMO, Potato Pile with Saffron Gravy Heaven.”
Prep/cook time: 2 ½ hours
Serves: Theoretically, eight, if everyone is super
polite and only takes a small portion. But it’s just me and the
wife at home, and I made a plate for our landlady, and there were
minimal leftovers. So, realistically, three or four.
You will need:
1 stick of Butter
10 Saffron threads (It’s super cheap at Trader Joe’s so I had my
dad mail me a ton of this shit a while back.)
Salt
Pepper
1 teaspoon Garlic Chili Paste
3 tablespoons flour
Two cups heavy whipping cream
4-6 Yukon gold potatoes
2 medium sweet Onions
1 bulb garlic
A bunch of Swiss cheese- grated
Even more
Cheddar/Jack/whatever-they-have-on-sale-at-the-market-that-you-like-
grated
Slightly less smoked Gouda- grated
PREP
First things first. Slice up your onions and garlic, toss them
in separate pans with a healthy dose of butter, cook at medium-high
until they’re soft-ish. Add a little salt and pepper to the onions,
but don’t over-do it. You’ll be using plenty more of both before
you’re done.
When they’ve softened, but still retain a little crunch, pull
the garlic and onions off the heat and set them aside.
Now grab the taters and slice ’em up too. You want each slice to
be about 1/4” thick. But, if you’re like me and don’t own a
mandoline, the thickness of the slices
will be all over the place. No big deal. Set them aside for
now.
SAUCE
Now the fun part, making the sauce. It’s basically gravy, and, I
know, gravy isn’t usually healthy. But this gravy is both
vegetarian and non-GMO, so it totally is.
And it’s organic too! Somehow.
Get a sauce pan up to low heat, then throw in your butter and
saffron. As the butter melts use your spatula to crush the saffron
threads. This will help give everything that beautiful saffron
yellow color and make the dish fancy. You won’t be able to taste
it, really, but who cares?
Saffron! Make it a point to tell people you used it, otherwise
there’s really no point.
When the butter is nice and melted, add 1 teaspoon of salt, ¼
teaspoon pepper, and three tablespoons flour. Cook it all together
on low heat until it’s a smooth slurry, free of lumps.
Now remove it from the heat and let the pan cool for a few
minutes, Then pour in two cups of heavy whipping cream, and add a
teaspoon of garlic chili paste. Return it to the stove, raise the
heat to medium, and bring it to a low boil while stirring
continuously.
Don’t stop stirring! If you do the flour will separate and it’ll
be gross as fuck.
When it reaches a low boil, and it looks like the flour is mixed
in, remove from heat. It’ll thicken and develop a skin as it cools.
That doesn’t matter at all.
After it’s cooled a bit, make sure no one is watching, then eat
a couple spoonfuls.
BUILD
Now take out the cast iron dutch oven that I know
you already own (if not, go buy one! Most useful pan/pot/je ne
sais quoi in existence) and grease the fuck out of it with
whatever oil you have at hand.
Put a layer of sliced potatoes on the bottom of the dutch oven,
salt and pepper to taste, then add some of those onions and garlic
from earlier. Ladle on four or five good heaping tablespoons of
your ever-so-healthful veggie gravy, then plop an assortment of
your cheeses on top of that (go easy on the smoked Gouda. Too much
will overpower everything else). Put another layer of potatoes
completely covering the first, and repeat the
spices/onion/garlic/gravy/cheese until you’re out of ingredients.
You should be at four or five layers.
To be honest, it really doesn’t matter what order you add the
ingredients, until the last layer. Cheese goes on last, it needs to
be on top to create the awesome cheese skin we’re looking for.
COOK
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees (177 for the rest of the world,
according to Google), and bake the dish, covered, for approximately
90 minutes. You’ll know it’s done when a fork slides easily through
to the bottom.
When the potatoes are cooked through, raise the heat to broil,
remove the lid, and let it cook for another five minutes or so.
Until the top layer of cheese is a nice brown, and chewy
crispy.
Remove from oven and let sit for ten minutes. Don’t get super
high while you cook and immediately eat a giant forkful, the cheese
will stick to the roof of your mouth and burn the hell out of
you.
And, remember, that cast iron retains heat for fucking forever,
so definitely don’t get super high and then grab the lid bare
handed ten minutes after you’ve taken it out of the oven.
