How to: be a Titan of Mavericks!

Are you community and eco-minded? Are you drug free?

The “Criteria” to be considered as an invitee to the Titans of Mavericks event (as approved by the Committee 5) is very subjective, and therefore is biased by personal and organization politics.

I copied and pasted the criteria directly from the website and listed each point in bold below. I added my own critique of each point in parenthesis.

Yes, I have a lot of time on my hands today…

Titans of Mavericks CRITERIA

  • Dedication to surfing Mavericks (self-explanatory, but does this mean a few recent red-hot sessions or 10 + years?)
  • A person who is athletically in top, peak physical condition to handle the rigorous conditions and hazards of Mavericks. (What if the person looks like they are in top physical shape but has an underlying medical condition?)
  • An accomplished big wave surfer that has surfed Mavericks before or whom has put recent time in that proves eligibility. (How can you put in recent time without surfing it before?)
  • A proven waterman: person that has dedicated a portion of their life staying involved with the ocean. (No one who even thinks about surfing Mav’s hasn’t done this already)
  • Person who promotes ocean conservation and lives a healthy lifestyle. (By what measures?)
  • Person who is drug free and doesn’t take performance enhancing drugs. (It’s hard to believe there isn’t one person in the draw who doesn’t take drugs… is there drug testing to prove this?)
  • Person who is respectful to his/her peers and has Character in and out of water. (Doesn’t the respectful part immediately disqualify Skindog? Oh wait, the “peers” are probably the Committee 5; what does “Character” actually mean and why is it capitalized?)
  • Person who puts time in at Mavericks during the pre-season (I thought we discussed this above. Technically wouldn’t the preseason be summer?)
  • Person who understands the water safety rules, and is knowledgable of the inherent dangers of Mavericks. (Misspelling “knowledgeable” on the website tells me they may want to research and clarify what “knowledgeable” actually means.)
  • A person who provides community service efforts in their local community. (I’m guessing that Anthony Ruffo’s version of community service doesn’t count?)
  • A person who is associated with one or more community organizations. (What type of community organization, what exactly does “associated” mean, and why isn’t this criterion combined with the above statement?)
  • A Person whom is educated on the ecosystem, waterway, and cold water conditions surrounding Mavericks. (Randomly capitalizing the “P” in “Person”. What constitutes “educated”, and why did they mention “cold” before water?  Furthermore, “Waterway” and “cold water” conditions are a part of the ecosystem.
  • A person that understands that participation at Mavericks is a privilege, not a right. (What does “understand” mean – do they write it on a chalkboard over and over like Bart Simpson? Just like driving, at anytime those privileges can be revoked, especially if you say anything to piss off the Committee 5 – just ask Peter Mel and Twiggy).

Furthermore, the inconsistencies in grammar (like “A person”, “person” and “A Person”) and other typos prove that not much time was put into creating this joke of a “Criteria.”

All that aside, are you watching Titans of Mavericks?

Did you see Jamie Mitchell and Tyler Fox swallow those bombs?

Entertaining? Yes!

Keep Watching: Titans of Mavs!

But let's ask some questions!

But with these questions in mind.

  1. Did Shane Dorian not make the trip because the forecast looked like shit or is his back really hurt from a while ago?
  2. Where on God’s green earth is Mike Parsons from? That accent? Do you like? It is very strange.
  3. Are the event organizers bummed because it doesn’t look like Jaws?
  4. Is Grant Washburn angry that Dave Wassel totally smashed him?
  5. What did Mike Parsons mean when he said, “Their leashes are probably all tangled up and they went over the falls together…” ?
  6. Do you wish Red Bull did WSL broadcasts?
  7. Does Nic Lamb look cool in a suit or does he look like he is trying impossibly hard?
  8. Competiting.
  9. What did Nic Lamb mean when he said he saw a poster of Richard Schmidt surfing Mavericks and was “absolutely polarized by it” and really really wanted to surf Mavericks himself?
  10. Do the surfers call themselves “titans” when out of the water? Like, “Hey titan…good to see you.”
  11. Do the Committee of Five members have Committee of Five embroidered jackets?

What questions do you have?


Watch: The Titans of Mavericks!

In the water now!

Sal Masekela is on the mic and the Titans of Mavericks are in the water! Come spend your friday watching cold yet very sunny big waves throbbing, pulsing. Who is your favorite? The unsung local grinder? The big name Hawaiian? Pete Mel? He’s my favorite but he is not there. Boo.

Committee of Five. Do you like the way that sounds? I don’t. I think it sounds stupid.


Kelly Slater Doped Youth
Today, Kelly Slater, the 11-timer, is 44 years old. Hard to believe, yes? Do you think, like me, that his 2003 cameo in Vaughan Blakey's Doped Youth was the high point of his career?

Birthday: Kelly Slater turns 44!

Let's celebrate with the most dazzling moment in his thirty-year career!

Today, February 12, is the birthday of Kelly Slater, who was born in 1972.

And what a year it was!

Israeli athletes murdered by Palestinian terrorists at the Munich Olympics, a Ford Pinto cost two grand, a gallon of gas was fifty-five cents, Nixon was sunk by the Watergate break-in, The Godfather was the movie to see if you were a sharp sorta cat and if you turned on the radio, you’d be swallowed by the guitars of a new Brit band called Led Zeppelin.

Forty-four years old today. Can you believe? Slater’s lived through Presidents Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush snr, Clinton, little Bush, Barack Obama and maybe, soon, Hillary Clinton or mad old Bernie Sanders.

And so many career highlights: eleven titles, fifty-four tour wins, more time racked up on social media than any other surfer, pro or otherwise.

But the highlight that sings to me, and probably to you too, is when the former Waves magazine editor Vaughan Blakey, convinced Kelly, then 31, to cameo in his film Doped Youth. Who knew Kelly was a natural in front of the camera?

Watch here! (And, yes, that’s your favourite WSL commentator Ron Blakey at the end!)

Kelly Slater in Doped Youth from BeachGrit on Vimeo.




Dustin Barca
The former WCT surfer and mayoral candidate, Mr Dustin Barca, asserting the need to watch out for Lucifer and to maybe grab a gun too.

Blood Feud: Dustin Barca vs Lucifer!

Do you have the clarity of soul to tell hard truths from tempting lies?

Nothing warms my heart quite like the combination of guns and religion. Like peanut butter and chocolate, each sweet on its own, but together they create a flavor sensation unlike any other. Sometimes I like to get really high and dip a spoon in a jar of PB, then roll that spoon in M&Ms! Wash it down with a huge glass of chocolate milk. Amazing!

Even better is the melange of god and law, especially when we’re talking about our personal god, that little voice in the back of your mind that talks you through the day. I like that god, gives me confidence, ideas to write about, a close-minded surety that eliminates doubt.


Other times he gets a tad strange.

“Show the bus driver your dick!” “Seven beers makes you a better driver.” “You should kill yourself!”

Not very helpful, god.

Or is it Lucifer talking? Hard to tell, they both use my voice, talk over each other.

Gotta look to the bible for answers. Have you read the bible? I haven’t, but I got the general gist thanks to my Facebook feed.

“Throw a rock at that faggot!” God.

“Have pre-marital sex.” Lucifer

“Women are weak and stupid and the source of all sin.” God.

“Tattoos and meat on Friday are awesome!” Lucifer.

“Vote Trump.” God.

“Socialized medicine for all.” Lucifer.

Pretty straightforward stuff, until you consider that one of the bibles, I’m not sure which, was written by the Jews, back around the time they were busy burying fake fossils to deceive true believers. Confusing, until you remember that voice in your head is god, and ask him what he thinks, if there are any bible quotes that apply.

“And Jesus did appear before the gathered masses, and sayeth he unto them ‘If thou dost catch some motherfucker taking your shit verily thou must use thy shooting iron to shed his blood.'”

Interesting. I wasn’t aware there were swear words in the bible. I guess you learn something new every day.

Or do you?

The devil loves to lie, to play off your hubris and pride and that terrible self determination with which we’ve been cursed by the almighty creator. Can I trust my instincts? Do I have the clarity of soul to tell hard truths from tempting lies? Where can I turn? Who can I trust, if not myself?

Should I look to Dustin Barca for guidance? I may not love all his rhetoric, but I’m on board with most of his goals. I believe he truly cares, that his activism springs from a place of selfless regard for his fellow man. A tad rough and tumble, sure, but as yet unsullied by the small-town politics that pervade the Garden Isle.

If I had a wish, though, I’d wish he’d urge his brethren to turn to bow and arrow in the name of home defense.  Not because guns aren’t cool, or because we have no right to own them.

I’d just rest a little easier knowing an arrow won’t penetrate my single wall home when a neighbor lets fly in the dead of night at whichever chronic is rifling through his garage.