Dear Rory: Advice for the Wretched!

Who am I? I get my kicks holding my breath and killing beautiful animals!

One of our lovely commenters, named after either a fish or hairstyle, suggested we run an advice column. I love that idea, it’s actually something I’ve always wanted to do.

When he was backed up by my favorite pseudonymous surf writer, well, I had to go forward.

So say hello to BeachGrit‘s newest Agony Aunt. I understand that the proper gender related term is Agony Uncle, but it makes me a little uncomfortable. Brings to mind a relative who you only see on holidays but whose very presence makes you sick to your stomach because you know he’s gonna corner you in the laundry room and nobody will believe what happened except for your mother who says you brought it on yourself for being such a slut.

I bring some heavy qualifications.

I’m a naturally gifted martial arts expert, having practiced my moves on my wife post-UFC bout for years. Won both of my last two fights, against a 65-year-old man and an 80-pound homeless girl.

The epitome of masculinity, able to provide moral guidance in an era when gender roles have become increasingly fluid and confusing. White of skin, well versed in the terrible discrimination faced by the modern Caucasian.

I’m a naturally gifted martial arts expert, having practiced my moves on my wife post-UFC bout for years. Won both of my last two fights, against a 65-year-old man and an 80-pound homeless girl. I earned my yellow belt in karate at the Newport Beach Women’s Club after only one lesson! I once fought a professional kickboxer at a resort in Olympos, Turkey. He beat the shit out of me, but I consider it a moral victory.

What I lack in wisdom I make up in confidence, able to deliver lengthy polemics without the need for research or reason.

I believe in the sanctity of the self, the god given right to do whatever you want, consequences be damned. But I don’t let that stop me from heaving bricks from my glass house, oh no! I’m always right, even when I’m kinda wrong.

I can hold my breath for a long time, get a strange kick from killing beautiful creatures.

I understand the struggles of the portly hirsute male in sport that caters to the slim and shaved.

I’ve traveled the world, tricked an attractive woman into catering to my every need, built a life in an island paradise free from the struggles of the modern world and the indecency of my fellow man.

I’m here for you!

To provide guidance, understanding, and circuitous justifications for bad decisions you’ve already made.

Send your questions to [email protected].