Jeremy Flores
Jeremy Flores is a ruthless machine at Bells. | Photo: WSL/Cestari

Parker: Bells, Drug Testing, Slavery!

The Bells contest starts in maybe two days! Let's discuss!

We’re two days, (maybe three, the dateline confuses me), out from Bells, that crusty cold water bitch that’s been around forever. Even though she really doesn’t look that hot anymore, and everyone is kind of sick of her shit, it’s all smiles and politeness and pretend relevancy. Hard to get excited.

In theory, it’s nice to think the competitors will dust off longer boards and use a little more rail. But that’s just the old man inside me talking. “Look! I can kind of surf like that because it’s easier on my joints!”

Whatever. Who cares? Great to see Mason getting a spot, we all love him. Too bad for Freestone, getting the Banting curse.

One wonders, with all these injuries, will the ‘CT ramp up drug testing? Because surfing ain’t exactly a sport that benefits from ‘roids, but when you’ve been out for a while and need to build atrophied muscle quickly there’s a solution in that needle. Or pill. I’m not really sure how one goes about taking steroids.

Will Kanoa learn to stop drawing out his reverses? Yeah, you can ride backwards, big deal. So can everyone on tour. This ain’t the ‘QS, can’t milk a score that way. Just slows you down, fucks up your approach to the next session. Hit it quick, flip around, save your effort for the end section bonk that the judges love.

Just kidding, we know they won’t. Testing is kept secret, which means they probably aren’t doing it. You only hide everything when you have something to hide. It’s the same reason police departments keep disciplinary records secret.

Will Kanoa learn to stop drawing out his reverses? Yeah, you can ride backwards, big deal. So can everyone on tour. This ain’t the ‘QS, can’t milk a score that way. Just slows you down, fucks up your approach to the next session. Hit it quick, flip around, save your effort for the end section bonk that the judges love.

Then there’s the elephant in the room, Rip Curl uses slave labor. Hefty profit in that, contracting out to people who quote real low. Don’t ask how, that’s a can of worms.

I love how they wrote it off. “Yeah, we knew. But the stuff already shipped, so what can you do?”

Could’ve recalled it. Which would have been the decent thing. Take a loss, rather than benefit from human misery. I understand that’s asking a lot, monitoring production, holding yourself accountable.

I love the irony of Chas’s Monster Energy drink article. Because an energy drink company isn’t really run by Satan, though there is a moral gray area that comes with peddling any addictive substance. But partnering with a company that profits from slave labor? Pretty brutal, totally uncaring.

I’m gonna say it again: RIP CURL PROFITS FROM SLAVERY.

They knew about it, could have got out in front of the subject. Make an announcement, donate the profits. But they didn’t. They tried to ignore it. Sweep it under the rug, keep the money.

And try to remember the next time you need a new wetsuit, or snowboard jacket, or whatever.

Now watch last year’s final between Mick Fanning and Taj Burrow here!

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nyc surfing golden boy
nyc surfing golden boy
10 years ago

neco padaratz should of just took a lethal dose of roids and beat the shit out of evry member of wolfpak, then killed himself at huge pipe. they he would have had paddle out for him and he would be immortalized

Tom House
Tom House
10 years ago

Can you plz explain why “Made in China” is better?

toofattosurf
toofattosurf
10 years ago

way to bash another one’s work ethics and subsequently show a ‘not from last year’ last year’s final… how did ads manage to place 2nd in ’15 bells over that tb vs mf heat you show, please enlighten me rory ?

Rory Parker
Rory Parker
10 years ago
Reply to  toofattosurf

You’d have to ask Derek. He stuck it on the end to add some visual spice.

DrunkenAngel
DrunkenAngel
10 years ago

Can we have a full sanctioned drugged mutants world tour?

Mariano Landa
Mariano Landa
10 years ago
Reply to  DrunkenAngel

They already tried that under “the Bud Tour.”

Karl Von Fanningstadt
Karl Von Fanningstadt
10 years ago

I don’t think you can totally discount steroids in surfing, especially considering the rumor around a few years ago that a certain champion tested positive during Bells…

Rory Parker
Rory Parker
10 years ago

Side effects from constant use are pretty severe though, and surfing relies more on timing and balance than raw strength, so I’d have a hard time believing ‘roid use is as prevalent as in, say, MMA.

But… if you’re nursing a hurt back, or need to regain some strength after a severe injury, it’d be a tempting fix.

Did you know the WSL has a rule against talking about PED testing? It’s pretty severe.

Disclosure of any kind (including social media) about another Surfer being tested under the WSL Anti-Doping Policy-

Minimum of $10,000 [fine] and suspension from following World Title Event to maximum of any fine amount and expulsion from Tour

Karl Von Fanningstadt
Karl Von Fanningstadt
10 years ago
Reply to  Rory Parker

All interesting points. This was a solid post. Thanks, Rory.

Jen See
Jen See
10 years ago
Reply to  Rory Parker

There are a lot of “clean” roid compounds out there that chill the side effects pretty solid. So you can do ’em, and not lose your hair and uh, shrink things. I know how you dudes feel about the shrinking part.

Basically, any sport where recovery is useful benefits from ‘roiding. Or a light round of HGH, if you want to go that route. It allows you to work out much harder, or in this case, surf more hours, recover, and do it again the next day. Day after day. It helps keep lean muscle strength dialed, too.

It’s not just to bulk up, basically. There are few sports where the recovery angle isn’t a useful benefit of doing some needle time. Even some skinny ass endurance athletes do steroid cycles for that reason.

Karl Von Fanningstadt
Karl Von Fanningstadt
10 years ago
Reply to  Jen See

I wanted to write something to this effect, but couldn’t articulate it. For a while I was supplementing creatine (not a steroid), and during that time, I noticed that my paddling benefitted greatly, allowing me to catch more waves and stay out longer (I have a weak shoulder that was shredded in high school playing other sports). I would think that something stronger and more regimented could easily be beneficial.

Jen See
Jen See
10 years ago

Yesss. And Creatine is like no big thing compared to what a real steroid compound would do for you. A well-designed doping program — maybe with a lil’ blood boost thrown in for extra grins — would totally make a difference. It’s not going to make a bad surfer win heats, but it’ll help a good surfer make more heats.

longtom
longtom
10 years ago
Reply to  Jen See

I gotta say when a person comes back from two months out looking like he’s carrying an extra 20 pounds of lean muscle I do raise an eyebrow….but without an out of season testing program that’s all it’ll ever be.

Of course it is of benefit, power surfing wins titles.

Mariano Landa
Mariano Landa
10 years ago
Reply to  longtom

Weight class sports give this one away immediately, especially in the junior ranks.

bruddah
bruddah
10 years ago
Reply to  Jen See

They have also been proven to help a pro-surfer handler make better burgers:
http://beachgrit.com/2016/0…

DramaFactory
DramaFactory
10 years ago
Reply to  Jen See

#microdosing

blumpkin mung
blumpkin mung
10 years ago

Don’t they all use questionable overseas labor? Isn’t that production standard these days?

The Bitchy Crab
The Bitchy Crab
10 years ago
Reply to  blumpkin mung

…you’d be surprised the hoops y’gotta jump through in China to be certified… Rip Curl’s argument here was a subcontractor shipped work, unknowingly to them, to North Korea. I believe ’em. But, still, a little gesture, however token, maybe throw a little cash at North Korean refugees in China, might’ve been appropriate…

J H
J H
10 years ago

A friend who does manufacturing in China says there is a wink, wink, nod, nod, deal to the whole thing especially with child labor. That’s no excuse, of course, but it still happens.

The Bitchy Crab
The Bitchy Crab
10 years ago
Reply to  J H

…I hear you get stung pretty big bucks paying certifiers, ’cause who can watch over the entire manufacturing process, and it’s them who turn an eye etc… It’s highly unlikely you’d find any major company happy to risk bad PR for a few shekels shaved off the bottom line…

The Bitchy Crab
The Bitchy Crab
10 years ago

…but, fuck, maybe I’m wrong…

Ghostface Braddah
Ghostface Braddah
10 years ago

Just make it in the USA, save on shipping/tarrifs and faster factory to retail. You don’t need to wring out every penny.

Dahaoleformerlyknownasbi0008
Dahaoleformerlyknownasbi0008
10 years ago

You don’t need to wring out every penny? Blaspheme!!

DrunkenAngel
DrunkenAngel
10 years ago

contradicts the Rip Curl thing, don’t it? companies do what they do until they get stung. i f they didn’t pr would go out of business.

The MHL Buoy
The MHL Buoy
10 years ago
Reply to  blumpkin mung

Slave labour vs outerknown alpaca bum fluff – the choice is yours.

janeausten
janeausten
10 years ago
Reply to  blumpkin mung

Have any of the others rushed to pillory Rip Curl or are they keeping their stones away from the glass?

Audit In Progress
Audit In Progress
10 years ago
Reply to  blumpkin mung

Yeah, wage slavery is still slavery, any way you slice it.


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