The confused professional surfer is about to step
out. What should he wear?
Even in a Mexican Wetsuit, Ronnie Blakey is so
handsome Occy can’t peel his eyes away!
Last night, or maybe the night before, the
Australian surfing community gathered in Manly to celebrate their
year of achievement. Like the Oscars! The who’s who crowd watched
Barry Bennett get inducted into the Australian Surfing Hall of
Fame, Mick Fanning and Sally Fitz were crowned surfers of the year,
Jack Robinson won the coveted “Young Charger” award, Jamie Mitchell
won Waterman of the Year and Ronnie Blakey paired an acid washed
denim shirt three inches too short in the sleeve with what appear
to be darker denim pants.
Which raises an important question. Why did you do that Ronnie
Blakey? But let us not cast stones at the World Surf League’s most
handsome commentator (sorry Joe Turpel!) for deciding the occasion
called for a Canadian Tuxedo. It is not entirely his fault for
there seems to be absolutely no rule for how surfers should dress
at the various award shows that dot the calendar.
The World Surf League banquet is now around the corner and
surfers will again put on an eclectic mix of things. Some will wear
Hawaiian shirts, others will wear t-shirts, some will wear tuxedos
and others will wear short pants. As a group, they will look very
preschool. Like, my three-year-old daughter wears off the shoulder
floor length gowns every single day to her class. Another boy wears
super hero outfits and another girl dresses like a Sikh and another
boy basically shows up naked. Eclectic but ok because they are all
three-years-old.
I get it, I get it. Surfing is “beachy” and surfers don’t wear
clothes in the water, so at awards’ shows and banquets they become
confused. Should they dress up or dress down? Should they reflect a
casual, beachy attitude or show the world they can polish? Should
they respect the roots of our pastime and wear Hawaiian shirts and
thick, colorful leis? Should they wear only boardshort and
bikini?
Let’s help them! What should surfers wear at awards’ shows and
banquets? Do you have any dress code ideas that could help Ronnie
Blakey avoid future pitfalls? Please share!
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How about I call a spade a spade? This still from the
film impresses the hell out of me.
Help: Is this sexist?
By Derek Rielly
Do body paint wetsuits celebrate or objectify
women?
I’ve always felt the sexism crowd got
one thing terribly wrong, something so at odds with our
biology.
Can it really be so degrading to regard the female body as a
precious stone? As a goddess? To be enchanted by a real
beauty? To have your will broken with the heaving of her
breasts, the twitching of her belly, the quivering of her
thighs?
Earlier today, a BeachGrit reader presented a link to
the short film, below, 4 Surfer Girls Wearing Body
Paint. Its creator wrote, “These 4 surfer gals look
like they’re wearing wetsuits, but look again! They’re
actually wearing pasties, strapless thongs, and body paint!”
What do you do when something comes in like that? Do you pretend
you aren’t moved? Do you pretend you’re above the fizzing of
hormones? Do you pretend that it’s sophisticated to ignore the
mysterious ecstasy of desire?
Shall we examine his bio, if only to legitimise
the wonderful film below?
“These intricate, ephemeral body paintings are
experienced through live performance, video, and still photography.
Roustan’s photographs, elaborately crafted images, often use the
decorated body as one element in a larger construction to achieve a
narrative, expressive goal. Telling stories about people, places,
and ideas, his work explores the multiple layers of meaning
combining the human figure with different elements. The fine
balance between vulnerability and strength, image and concept, is
captured in vibrant, evocative photographs.”
How do you feel about the movie? Does it
harden your flesh and steel your muscles or does your brain shake
with anger?
Can you imagine a world where shark repellants existed?
It would mean no Jaws IV: The Revenge! Christmas re-runs would
never be the same!
Surprise: Shark repellents do suck!
By Derek Rielly
Did you really think that magnetic band was going
to save you?
I’ve got a pretty healthy relationship with
sharks, I think. I avoid where the more invasive and
formidable of the species live (no Byron, Western Australia, South
Africa, South Oz) and choose my holidays and home town
accordingly.
If I see a whaler, even a tiger, I’ll usually, but not always,
exit. It depends on their trajectory. That’s because they
don’t nail me to the spot with horror the way a great white does.
If a white is within a mile radius I’m out… for good. Who wants to
be the bloody spittle in an abominable monster’s month, screaming
in unspeakable agony as it tears you apart?
Nets? I couldn’t care either way. They obviously work but who’s
got the energy to debate the merits with the hysterics who claim
’em to be pointless and pointlessly cruel.
One thing that does interest me is shark repellents. Do you
remember the fever when news came out years ago that a company in
South Africa had developed electronic devices that had been
proven to keep whites away? It felt like we’d soon have little
anti-shark chips built into our boards protecting us with
invisible forcefields.
Never really happened, did it?
A few weeks ago, the Australian consumer magazine Choice tested
all the shark repellents on the market, from electronic devices
that cost between $US350 and $US600 to those thirty-buck magnet
wristbands. The results are illuminating.
An earlier study by the South Australian Research and
Development Institute also found the device was effective in
deterring great whites, but noted it didn’t ‘deter or repel this
species in all situations, nor did it repel all individuals’.
For electronic devices like the Shark Shield:
“While Shark Shield can deter a shark from attacking, it won’t do
so every time. The most recent study of the device by scientists at
the University of Western Australia (UWA) found it prevented great
whites and tiger sharks from attacking most of the time, but it
wasn’t always effective. An earlier study by the South Australian
Research and Development Institute also found the device was
effective in deterring great whites, but noted it didn’t ‘deter or
repel this species in all situations, nor did it repel all
individuals’.” So, yeah, uh, it works, but, uh, not all the
time.
Magnet wristbands: “Sharkbanz told us its
device has been shown to repel a range of sharks, including bull
sharks and small tiger sharks, but they don’t recommend it for
deterring great whites. Shark Shocker didn’t respond to our
requests for information on its testing.
“While there have been no independent studies on the Sharkbanz
or Shark Shocker devices, research into using magnets to repel
sharks from commercial fishing lines has generally been
inconclusive as to their effectiveness.
“Dr Carl Meyer, a shark expert at the Hawaii Institute of Marine
Biology, told us that while magnets could work in theory, he isn’t
convinced a small magnetic band strapped to a leg would be
effective enough.”
Acoustic repellents: “Killer whales like to eat
sharks, so does pretending you’re an orca stop a shark from biting
you? That’s the idea behind
the SharkStopper personal shark
repellent, the “world’s first and only acoustic shark repellent”,
due for release early this year. The device is a small plastic band
that’s worn on the leg and emits a “multi-patented acoustic sound”
– a blend of orca calls and a special frequency its maker says will
repel sharks.
“But UWA scientists recently found orca calls had limited
ability at deterring sharks in the wild. And Dr Christine Erbe, a
whale vocalisation expert at Curtin University, told us that orcas
live in social groups – meaning a killer whale vocalisation that
works in one place, may not necessarily work elsewhere.”
Coloured surfboards: “‘White, yellow and
silvery things are more likely to be approached and bitten by some
shark species than blue and green things,’ says Dr Nathan Hart, a
neurobiologist from Macquarie University who has studied the visual
systems of sharks.
“Hart says there’s one downfall though. When viewed from
directly below, a surfboard will be seen as a dark silhouette,
regardless of its colour. Still, he says a darker board might
reduce the risk of a shark attack from the side, and could be worth
a try.”
Aren't your twenties all about making bad
decisions?
When I was in my early twenties a number of friends
bought tattoo machines. Which was terrifying. I was
drinking heavily, lots of lost days and nights, and I had a
recurring nightmare in which I’d drunkenly get a shitting dog
tattooed on my chest.
Woke me up pulse racing a hundred times. What I remember of my
dreams is usually very surreal, so the realistic ones do a good job
rattling me. They always feature me running from the cops for some
unspecified offense, or it’s finals day and I’m in a panic because
I forgot to study.
The latter is especially fucked. It’s been over a decade since I
was trapped in academia, the ol’ mind-brain needs to give me a
break. On the cops one too, I’m a white upwardly mobile guy with a
spotless criminal record. I’d need to kill someone to get in real
trouble. Very worst case scenario, I’d be looking at three days
in Kauai County Jail. Place is hardly Oz.
Been free of the tattoo nightmare for years and years.
Until last night.
The missus was talking to her brother on the phone, and he
mentioned his buddy just bought a machine.
Oh, no.
Sure enough, the little bozos are scribbling all over each
other.
I mean, isn’t that what your twenties are about? Making bad
decisions? We live a fairly long time, ideally, so long as you
don’t have any kids there aren’t a lot of dumb mistakes you can’t
come back from.
I met my wife fifteen years ago, when her youngest brother was
seven. Watched him grow from a spoiled little monster into a pretty
cool adult. The wife says I’ve been a huge influence on him, which
probably isn’t great. Not that I accept any responsibility. He’s a
grown man now, he can make his own decisions.
Even if those decisions are stupid. I mean, isn’t that what your
twenties are about? Making bad decisions? We live a fairly long
time, ideally, so long as you don’t have any kids there aren’t a
lot of dumb mistakes you can’t come back from.
Even tattoos, I guess.
Removal technology has come a long way, plenty of guys I know
are getting shit scrubbed from their faces. Which is great. Tattoos
are cool, I’ve got a few of my own, but I’ve never seen one on
someone’s face that didn’t seem indicative of some sort of mental
disorder. Like that poor kid, Antwon
Dixon. Man, did the skate industry eat him alive
or what?
I asked my brother in law to send me a picture, needed to
witness what his idiocy hath wrought. I was not disappointed.
“What’s that supposed to be?”
“It’s a chick holding ice cream cones under her tits.”
“With an upside down crucifix over her box?”
“No, that’ supposed to be her pubes, shaved into one.”
“Same thing. What’s with the flying pig?”
“It’s funny. I’ve got a mole smoking a joint on my other
leg.”
“Those are terrible.”
“I know, but they’re on my thighs, no one can see them. Except
for girls, sometimes.”
“If the tattoos are jokes, does that make your dick the
punchline?”
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Witness: The Dawn of Mayhem!
By Chas Smith
Matt "Mayhem" Biolos is an artist at the height of
his powers.
Matt “Mayhem” Biolos today is Lou Reed in 1967.
He is Takeshi Murakami in 2000. He is Hedi Slimane in 2002 and Greg
Louganis in 1988 and Fyodor Dostoyevsky in 1864 and Paul Bocuse in
1975 and Sir Isaac Newton in 1666.
He is an artist at the height of his powers.
And if you have never owned a Matt Biolos board you you will
kick yourself in 25 years for missing out just like our
parents kick themselves today for not buying Apple stock in 1980
for $22 a share. Of course you could get a custom shaped thing but
why wait? His boards, off the rack, are as delicious as any. He is
that good and your surfing will shine when guided by the
brushstrokes of his hand.
You think I am prone to over-exaggeration? You think that
Pac-Sun bought …Lost and BeachGrit and Futures fins and is
driving an ill-conceived, poorly executed piece of advertorial down
your open throat? Shame on you! Shame indeed!
(Dear Pac-Sun…I can’t speak for my wonderful friends at …Lost or
Futures but let me introduce BeachGrit! We are as fun as
we are fresh, anti-depressive to the core, and would make a lovely
counterpart to the rest of your online surf wear sales
business…)
I am not exaggerating at all! Matt’s boards are a revelation and
maybe it is because he makes them for you and me and himself. He
makes them for the average and then scales them for his stars. And
maybe it is good that you waited, if you have never owned, because
today is a new day and he in unveiling a new technology. Carbon
Wrap! What makes Carbon Wrap so good? Let’s ask the master!
Why should we care about carbon wraps? Real
talk!
Honestly, I fell in love with these boards when I first
laid eyes and, immediately thereafter, feet on. The
combination of EPS foam and epoxy resin has long been a lively
pairing for greater-strength-to-weight ratio surfboards,
featuring a lively pop in small to moderate surf. The benefits of
carbon re-enforcements versus the old wooden stringer
have already proven popular, and fairly easily felt under the
foot of intermediate to expert, and even professional surfers. What
Dan MacDonald (the inventor of CW) came up
with that is so unique is the carbon bands create an engineered
flex focused just in front of the fins. This is the magic of
CarbonWrap. The tail, under the pressure of the surfers’ feet and
G-forces in the wave, loads up and snaps back with astonishing
bursts of speed. Combined with the light, and relatively high
strength-to-weight ratio, construction of EPS foam and epoxy resin,
and a composite of multiple direction layers and weaves of
fiberglass and carbon fiber, these boards are electric underfoot.
There was a solid five years of hard core RnD that went into Carbon
Wrap before we got involved. Dan’s stroke of genius, The
Wrap, had been through many incarnations. We got involved about 18
months ago. We began to build dozens of boards for athletes
(and for myself and my crew of Domesticated RnD guys) and refined
all aspects of the construction. Sure, the WCT might not jump all
over it. It’s not necessarily about them. The thing about
CarbonWrap is that it most benefits the average surfer. In
small-to-moderate surf, it feels like it does the work for
you. Almost like pedaling one of those electric assisted
bicycles up a hill.
What’s the smackdown, price-wise?
The boards are between $750.00 and $800.00 in the US
with the price being right about the same but adjusted
to Australian dollars in Australia.
What’s the difference, in layman terms,
tween Hayden’s FF and the carbon wraps?
Look, Hayden really pioneered bringing this genre of
construction to the global surf market. Before him, these boards
were more on the niche side of board building. He broke down the
door and figured how to take them to the global market. I was
there. He made multiple trips to southern California , stayed at my
house and introduced me to his construction. We traveled to Japan
and built hundreds of those things in Chiba together.
That said, the way Carbon Wrap is engineered, with the
carbon bands beginning at the nose, slowly splaying outward towed
the tail then strategically “wrapping ” the rails and becoming a
perfectly positioned tail patch, it’s is easy to see that the flex
is engineered in a more focused and specific way. We also added the
fused carbon strip in the deck which gives a little extra push-back
and projection forward under the front foot and encourages the deck
to eventually cave in and resemble that of your foot’s arch, and a
standard wooden-stringer board, rather than having the entire deck
caving in, rail to rail.
For you, me, real life surfers, not Kolohe etc, what
diff is it going to make?
Listen. Although our WQS team is raving about CW, and using
them in comps, as well as re-ordering more of them the time, I
honestly feel that these boards will in fact make a bigger “diff”
for guys like us, than the top surfers. Surfing a already easy for
them! We are just supplying a board to help make surfing more
fun, and hopefully somewhat easier, for the the real life
surfer.
Go and get one now. And get one with a Futures box. Their fins
smash those poorly engineered, poorly advertised FCS things. 11
Championship Tour Wins wins in 11 Championship Tour tries (2015).
Who wants to surf like they are part of the World Surf League? Not
John John Florence and he is even part of the World Surf
League!
