Hot daughter of surf pal, a car park vulture, kid wave hog…
Scenario #1:
Bob’s a surf friend. You don’t know his wife, you’ve never been to his house, but you’re both regulars at the same spot. Over the years you’ve grown familiar enough to chat between sets, just small talk, never anything deep. He’s got a tow-headed little girl, kind of obnoxious in a precocious my-parents-love-me-soooo-much kind of way, who you watched grow from a tiny little thing on one of her dad’s old shortboards into an awkward tween on her own custom shape.
Life happens and one of you has a minor schedule adjustment. Your sessions don’t link up anymore, it’s just head nods and waves on the way in and out of the parking lot for a few years.
Now it’s the first day of kind-of Summer. Sunny, windless, warm. The water temp is in the high 60’s (20 Celsius), a little chilly, but just warm enough for the first bareback session of the year.
The waves aren’t great, but there’s something, and it’s just too nice out to not surf. So you grab a log and paddle out.
Twenty minutes into your session along comes Bob. How’s it going? Oh great, great. Daughter just got her driver’s license, can you believe it? She’s on her way down. I offered to give her a ride, but you know how teenagers are.
There she is now, he says, pointing to a statuesque blonde on the beach.
Holy hell, ugly duckling in full effect. She’s grown a foot since you last saw her, looks like a full-grown woman.
As you’re floating there, mulling over your slow march toward death, she knee paddles out on her single fin, causing two rapid fire thoughts.
Jesus Christ!
When did teenagers start waxing?
As the second spins across your brain Bob turns his head, glances over, catches you looking.
What would you do?
Scenario #2
It’s a three day weekend, the beach is packed, and you’ve just spent the last half hour circling the streets looking for parking. Finally, there it is, an empty spot! Score!
You pop on your turn signal, hit the brakes, and the guy behind you whips into oncoming traffic and snakes your spot. Toot your horn, hands raised, what the fuck?, but he just pretends not to see you. Whatever, deep breath, move on.
You end up parking ten blocks inland and hoofing it down.
Strolling across the sand you see the guy who stole your spot catch a wave. He’s a very good surfer, dismantles the thing all the way to the beach.
Twenty minutes later you’re paddling back to the peak after a fun one, when you see Mr Dickhead take off on the wave of the day. He fades, sets up for a barrel, and you find yourself in the perfect position to ruin him.
What would you do?
Scenario #3
Winter break has rolled around, and your normally uncrowded mid-morning weekday session is packed full of stupid fucking children. Laughing and yelling and just being general annoyances. The young are the worst, flexible little bastards with no etiquette, safe in the knowledge they can do whatever they want without any consequences.
One particular little bastard is burning everyone in the lineup. Seventeen or so, stickers all over his sparkling white new board, not even trying to position himself properly, just going in front on every wave.
He stuffs you three waves in a row, rather than lose your cool you catch a wave in and decide not to surf until all the rotten little fuckers are back in class.
A couple months later you’re suiting up in the parking lot as he’s getting ready to leave. He starts his car, pops it in reverse, and you notice he’s left his board on the ground behind his car. He’s staring at his phone, texting away, not paying attention.
What would you do?
1. look all you want, and fantasize that you’ve got a shot. but you’ve got no shot, dumbass! she ain’t lookin’ at you. you’re as old as her wrinkly old dad. gross.
2. if you’re still thinking about parking spots, just stay in the water until you forget about that shit.
3. quick! whip out your phone, start rolling video (not vertical ! your screen is horizontal!) and prepare to go viral
1. shoot Bobby a wink (make sure he sees you lick your lips too)
2. i would have rolled a two papery for the walk – that part is no sweat.
burn him – yes, without a doubt
3. whip my phone out cause this one could get me 25 likes on the Gram. give him a damn daniel when he realises.
1.0 As much as it pains him, Bob knows, but you’d try minimise the awkward.
2.0 I live on the Gold Coast, car park drop ins are as normal as surf drop ins and if you let either of them get to ya then you’re fucked.
3.0 Rest In Pieces Surfboard.
classic marry, kill & fuck (the board) situation…
1- marry her;
2- kill him;
3- fuck the board…
#1 tell bob “good luck” and buy a shotgun!!
#2 cheer him on
#3 say nought shouldn’t be driving and texting – some stupid bitch drove past me at 130 on freeway texting other day – Karma as later saw her pulled over by cops
1. ‘yep, looks like you do have your hands full, Bob’ and let out a bit of a laugh.
2. turn and burn if he really did blatantly snake your spot. let’s call this opportunity ‘karmic retribution’.
3. watch as he runs it over then bring it up next time you see him in the water.
1- offer dowry
2- rego for a passive aggressive keying
3- dingo leash grab in the water, save the board followed by a passive aggressive keying.
There’s a pattern here friends. These are all about being a better man or succumbing to foul temptation. What the HELL is going on in your life Rory. What dreadful sin are you contemplating.
Since when did you become John Quiñones?
2. I’d be bummed, but I’d have to lead the road out of the ocean.
3. He’s probably on flow (likely parental flow) anyway, so I turn the karmic eye.
i actually saw this grom last year pull the car reverse right over his board he was a few parking spots down and i was watching the entire thing, stared right in his eye at one point and tripped if that happened to me. so i now i always put my board straight into the car after a sesh..scarred me to this day now that its brought up again
I once saw an elderly lady walk towards a discarded melting ice cream on a mall floor, I could have warned her but I let nature take it’s course.
1. Find a new surfspot
2. Nothing
3. Nothing
#1 tell Bob surprisingly how amazed you are at how grown she is since you last saw her..while filling up your spank bank of her in her microscopic bikini
#2 keep it moving..hes a fuck and will get his eventually
#3 absolutely nothing
Fuck this, one at a time, I say!
I totally agree, Derek made me do three. His exact words, “Do what I fucking tell you, or we’ll replace you with an intern. I could sit a monkey in front of a cell phone and get the type of drivel you pump out each day.”
When he says “a stoned monkey and a copy of US Weekly” you know you’re in trouble.
Where do I apple for next in line though?
Sorry, we’re only looking for oranges at the moment.
SAVAGE
Reasons I come to BG
1. Rory’s drivel
2. Blood feuds
3. The Inertia sucks.
Since the blood feuds have been kinda weak lately and there can only be one “The Inertia Sucks” story per month your drivel is the heart and soul of BG.
1. In Vicco she would need to be 18 to have her drivers license. She’s fair game now. Ask her if she needs some shaving tips and show her your masterpiece. Bob shouldn’t sweat it, you’re a Prince.
2. Be happy he made your fat arse walk a little bit. Then when that opportunity arises take off your leggie and kick your 10’4″ mal into his face. Then de-pants into speedo’s and pretend to be one of those weird swimmers who just cruises through the line up in a sultry look-at-me fashion.
3. Pick it up and give it to my friends daughter and fight the little fucker to the death if he ever questions her.
#1 acknowledge his daughter is hot and laugh – dads aren’t blind, so he knows she’s hot and will laugh at his predicament if you tackle it head on.
#2 nothing
#3 nothing
Scenario #2: I would have put a pebble in his tire cap and then screw it back on and let the air slowly seep out while he is in the water
Scenario #3: I would just stand there and watch the kid run over his board
#2 leave him to it, a transgression in traffic shouldn’t be rectified in the lineup!
#3 Say nothing, a transgression in the lineup can be rectified anywhere!
Fucking beautiful!
I need a fucking relic when you die.
Would you settle for the Holy Stone of Clonrichert?
.way to beautifully work the paradox…