You'll be broke, working your ass off, and your kid
will be stupid. Total bummer.
Dear Rory,
I’m married and have a young son. We recently sold our first
home, and are sitting on a decent stack of money. Our original
intention was to reinvest our funds in another larger home in the
same city. Currently we are about 2 weeks away from closing on the
new place, but we’re starting to have second
thoughts.
Although none one of us have ever been, we’re considering a
move to Hawaii. Should we throw caution into the wind and move to
paradise, or play it safe and stay put?
Aspiring Malihini
Dear Rory says:
Sorry, haole, we’re all full up out here.
Ha! But, seriously, it’s complicated.
The first thing you’ve gotta ask yourself, “Why do I want to
move?”
Is it because you have itchy feet, feel all wrapped up in ennui,
desperate to be somewhere, anywhere, but where you are? If that’s
the case, stay put. Too many people move to Hawaii looking for
answers, or fulfillment, or some sort of inner peace. And those
things ain’t here. You can’t run from existential problems. No
matter where you go, there you’ll be.
Now get the paradise thing out of your head. Sure, I live in
paradise, but I Forrest Gump’ed my way into this situation, and I
don’t have any crotch fruit depending on me. Everyone knows how
expensive Hawaii is, but you can’t really appreciate it unless you
live here. Expect to pay $200 a month for electricity (much more if
you want A/C), and don’t expect to own your home. Median prices are
around $750K, so unless you feel like living in Puna (you don’t
want to live in Puna), you’re gonna be paying out the ass for rent.
A two bedroom rental on Oahu is gonna run you at least $2000 a
month, and that’s if you’re living in a shitbox in a terrible
neighborhood. The same place in Town will be over $3K. You can
always find a cheaper spot in Waianae, but then you’re stuck. Only
one way in and out, you’ll be sitting in traffic three to four
hours a day commuting to work. Commute from North Shore is about
the same, but rent is closer to Town prices.
All in all, Hawaii’s cost of living is about 30% above the
national average, while wages are generally lower. According to the
MIT Living Wage Calculator, a family of three
with both parents working requires $63,356 combined income before
taxes. From personal experience, that is low. Enough to live hand
to mouth, one missed pay check away from total destitution. In
reality, if you want some minor luxuries, like cable TV and the
occasional meal out, with some money left at the end of the month,
you need closer to $100K.
And, you know, there’s the whole school thing. I won’t say that
Hawaii public schools are bad, I never attended one. If I had to
guess, I’d say the teachers are probably pretty comparable to the
mainland, when it comes to skills and motivation. But 2009 saw
statewide “Furlough Fridays,” reducing the school week to four days
because of budget shortfalls. Beyond the problems that causes with
childcare, it says a lot about the state’s priorities in regards to
education.
Plus the water isn’t fluoridated. Lots of little kids with
fucked-up teeth. Good purity of essence, though.
If you decide you want your kid to go to private school, Punahou
is supposedly the best. $23K per year, which isn’t exactly cheap.
Is it worth it? I couldn’t say. The President’s a Punahou grad, but
I’ve met a ton of stupid losers who are as well.
So you’ll be broke, working your ass off, and your kid will be
stupid. Total bummer.
But it’s not all bad.
The sense of community out here is mind blowing to guy like me
who was raised in the go-fuck-yourself world of Los Angeles. If you
can make it through your first six months (people hesitate to make
friends with new arrivals because so many leave almost immediately)
things will get easier. You can save money on food by growing your
own, trading with neighbors, or killing your meat. You’ll figure
out how to save money by mixing up your shopping. I typically hit
three different markets for various stuff, depending on who sells
what for less. You save a lot on entertainment, because, you know,
there’s nothing to do. Hike, swim, surf, hunt, repeat. All the best
stuff is free, once you’ve purchased gear. As long as you’re okay
with waiting, Amazon will save you a ton of money. Prime pays for
itself super fast.
Occasionally it’ll be a pain in the ass to get your hands on
something quickly. Like, this weekend I went on a day long,
island-wide hunt for au gratin dishes because I wanted to make
scallops baked in a mushroom curry Béchamel. I finally found them,
though, and it was delicious!
That’s most of the terrible, and it’s really all about money.
It’s hard to deal with, but hardly impossible. The wife and I moved
here with no car, no place to live, no jobs, and $4k in the bank.
If someone were to ask me now, “Is that possible?”, I’d say no. We
got very lucky. We also begged money off family a shameful number
of times.
But there was also a ton of hard work, and a total refusal to
give up. We saw most of our friends throw in the towel and move
back home, but by never treating that as an option we were forced
to make it work. And it eventually did.
I could never counsel someone to take the safe path. Mainly
because I don’t believe there is one. Yeah, you can be a dutiful
employee and save money and act like we’re taught you’re supposed
to, but that’s a recipe for a mundane, miserable, soul sucking
life. And there’s no way of knowing what the future will bring. You
can work away your entire life, and drop dead at 60. You can save
every spare cent and be swindled. You could enroll your kid in the
best schools, and still see him end up blowing dudes in a bus
station bathroom for meth money.
Mortgaging your youth for security in your old age is a sucker’s
bet. The system is built to keep us slaves, as long as you play by
the rules you’ll always be one.
I say do it, if it’s what you really want.
Why not? You’ll be dead soon enough, make the most of what time
you have.
Send your life questions to: [email protected]
Due to the volume of mail, Dear Rory can’t answer letters
personally etc…
