An image that stirs the loins of WSL CEO Paul
Speaker!
Do you remember the surf posters that hung on
your wall as a child? Or, if you are slightly younger, the ones
that electronically papered the background of your computer screen?
Which image was your favorite? Andy Irons ferociously carving
perhaps? Kelly Slater flying like a bird? I’ve shared before that
mine was Tom Curren wrapping around so smooth on a Maurice Cole. Of
course you know the one.
What about World Surf League CEO Paul Speaker? What poster is on
his wall? I think maybe this one!
That right there is NFL quarterback Tom Brady. He plays for the
New England Patriots and is married to Kelly Slater’s ex-girlfriend
Gisele Bundchen. And look at that pro football power stance! Look
at those muscly arms! Look at that no nonsense expression! I think
in maybe ten years when 30 million corn fed Americans feast on pro
surfing this ride will be a 10.
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Fashion: Hurley’s high tech
revolution!
By Chas Smith
Hurley adds a layer (but BeachGrit makes you
tan!)
When you see serious bicyclists riding down the
street what is the first thought that pops into your head? “I want
to kill you by pinching you ‘tween my car and the beer delivery
truck parked curbside…” is mine. And “Why are you wearing all that
skin tight colorful bullshit?” And “Thanks for saving the
environment!”
Back to the skin tight colorful bullshit though. Spandex,
introduced in 1962, really revolutionized the athletic clothing
game. Bicyclists love it because of the aerodynamics and maybe the
muscle compression that skin tight provided and it was theirs to do
with what they would. Until almost yesterday!
Hurley, the world’s favorite hi-tec surf boardshort
manufacturer, seems to be pushing spandex as part of their brand
new Phantom Hyperweave. “What is the Phantom Hyperweave,” you
ask? According to Sports Illustrated:
The newly released Hurley
Phantom Hyperweave created a new way to construct the
waistband. Instead of a rigid layer of microfiber layered over
material to provide structure and then more layers of fabric
creating what Ryan (Hurley…Bob’s son and design man) calls
a bulky and water absorbing piece with no ability to move with the
body on the lone part of the short that touches the skin at all
times, Ryan went with the first single-layer textile. The four-way
stretch layer moves with the body for comfort in the water,
eliminates bulk for comfort when laying on the board and adds in
free-floating magwire—a water-centric take on
Nike’s Flywire technology—cabling to keep the movable
fabric locked to the waist.
Wow!
But the spandex is what intrigues me because it brings something
fresh to the surf fashions. They are called the Hurley Phantom
Compression and are worn underneath the Hurley Phantom Hyperweave
and maybe help the thighs rejuvenate. There they are, poking out,
running down the leg to just above the knee. It is like basketball!
Do you remember when Kobe Bryant et. al. donned black compression
things underneath their baggy shorts? I found that look very
chic.
And the tech boardshort really has completely taken over the
game hasn’t it though. I was in Huntington Surf & Sport not too
long ago and the store manager told me that Hurley Phantoms fly off
the shelf like you wouldn’t believe, crushing all boardshort
competition, leaving broken hearts and bankruptcy in their wake,
forcing brands like Rip Curl to turn to North Korean slave labor.
Rory’s piece yesterday was my favorite surf writing in a long time.
His honest rage against a
genuinely horrible thing that really did just get swept underneath
the carpet was so refreshing.
But Hurley’s tech boardshort + compression. Of course it
is not made in North Korea and of course it is wonderful and
innovative and etc. etc. etc. Do you want a pair? Do you think
they will make you surf better? They probably will for almost sure.
But you know what will make you feel better? A pair of
BeachGrit trunks! They are made by loving hands in Bali and your
leg will tan all the way up to your hip so when you are nude in
front of a woman she will ask, “How did you get so brown?” instead
of “Do you play lots of basketball?”
Who am I? I get my kicks holding my breath and
killing beautiful animals!
One of our lovely commenters, named after either a fish
or hairstyle, suggested we run an advice column. I love
that idea, it’s actually something I’ve always wanted to do.
When he was backed up by my favorite pseudonymous surf writer,
well, I had to go forward.
So say hello to BeachGrit‘s newest Agony Aunt. I
understand that the proper gender related term is Agony Uncle, but
it makes me a little uncomfortable. Brings to mind a relative who
you only see on holidays but whose very presence makes you sick to
your stomach because you know he’s gonna corner you in the laundry
room and nobody will believe what happened except for your mother
who says you brought it on yourself for being such a slut.
I bring some heavy qualifications.
I’m a naturally gifted martial arts expert, having practiced my
moves on my wife post-UFC bout for years. Won both of my last two
fights, against a 65-year-old man and an 80-pound homeless
girl.
The epitome of masculinity, able to provide moral guidance in an
era when gender roles have become increasingly fluid and confusing.
White of skin, well versed in the terrible discrimination faced by
the modern Caucasian.
I’m a naturally gifted martial arts expert, having practiced my
moves on my wife post-UFC bout for years. Won both of my last two
fights, against a 65-year-old man and an 80-pound homeless girl. I
earned my yellow belt in karate at the Newport Beach Women’s Club
after only one lesson! I once fought a professional kickboxer at a
resort in Olympos, Turkey. He beat the shit out of me, but I
consider it a moral victory.
What I lack in wisdom I make up in confidence, able to deliver
lengthy polemics without the need for research or reason.
I believe in the sanctity of the self, the god given right to do
whatever you want, consequences be damned. But I don’t let that
stop me from heaving bricks from my glass house, oh no! I’m always
right, even when I’m kinda wrong.
I can hold my breath for a long time, get a strange kick from
killing beautiful creatures.
I understand the struggles of the portly hirsute male in sport
that caters to the slim and shaved.
I’ve traveled the world, tricked an attractive woman into
catering to my every need, built a life in an island paradise free
from the struggles of the modern world and the indecency of my
fellow man.
I’m here for you!
To provide guidance, understanding, and circuitous
justifications for bad decisions you’ve already made.
Jeremy Flores is a ruthless machine at Bells. | Photo:
WSL/Cestari
Parker: Bells, Drug Testing, Slavery!
By Rory Parker
The Bells contest starts in maybe two days! Let's
discuss!
We’re two days, (maybe three, the dateline confuses
me), out from Bells, that crusty cold water bitch that’s
been around forever. Even though she really doesn’t look that hot
anymore, and everyone is kind of sick of her shit, it’s all smiles
and politeness and pretend relevancy. Hard to get excited.
In theory, it’s nice to think the competitors will dust off
longer boards and use a little more rail. But that’s just the old
man inside me talking. “Look! I can kind of surf like that because
it’s easier on my joints!”
Whatever. Who cares? Great to see Mason getting a spot, we all
love him. Too bad for Freestone, getting the Banting curse.
One wonders, with all these injuries, will the ‘CT ramp up drug
testing? Because surfing ain’t exactly a sport that benefits from
‘roids, but when you’ve been out for a while and need to build
atrophied muscle quickly there’s a solution in that needle. Or
pill. I’m not really sure how one goes about taking steroids.
Will Kanoa learn to stop drawing out his reverses? Yeah, you can
ride backwards, big deal. So can everyone on tour. This ain’t the
‘QS, can’t milk a score that way. Just slows you down, fucks up
your approach to the next session. Hit it quick, flip around, save
your effort for the end section bonk that the judges love.
Just kidding, we know they won’t. Testing is kept secret, which
means they probably aren’t doing it. You only hide everything when
you have something to hide. It’s the same reason police departments
keep disciplinary records secret.
Will Kanoa learn to stop drawing out his reverses? Yeah, you can
ride backwards, big deal. So can everyone on tour. This ain’t the
‘QS, can’t milk a score that way. Just slows you down, fucks up
your approach to the next session. Hit it quick, flip around, save
your effort for the end section bonk that the judges love.
Then there’s the elephant in the room, Rip Curl uses slave labor. Hefty
profit in that, contracting out to people who quote real low. Don’t
ask how, that’s a can of worms.
I love how they wrote it off. “Yeah, we knew. But the stuff
already shipped, so what can you do?”
Could’ve recalled it. Which would have been the decent thing.
Take a loss, rather than benefit from human misery. I understand
that’s asking a lot, monitoring production, holding yourself
accountable.
I love the irony of Chas’s Monster Energy drink
article. Because an energy drink company isn’t
really run by Satan, though there is a moral gray area that comes
with peddling any addictive substance. But partnering with a
company that profits from slave labor? Pretty brutal, totally
uncaring.
They knew about it, could have got out in front of the subject.
Make an announcement, donate the profits. But they didn’t. They
tried to ignore it. Sweep it under the rug, keep the money.
And try to remember the next time you need a new wetsuit, or
snowboard jacket, or whatever.
Now watch last year’s final between Mick Fanning and Taj Burrow
here!
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How to: Stuff a Bikini!
By Derek Rielly
Noah Beschen runs over buoyant bikini gal!
Noah Beschen is the dazzling, almost 16 year
old, son of one-time tour superstar Shane.
A few years ago, while talking biz with his daddy, I
watched the tiny blond-haired, brown-skinned boy (a mix
of Californian and Central American genes) skate the pool at
Bondi, then terrorise the waves out front. Don’t you wish you
had the same kinda childhood, hunting waves and skate parks,
instead of kicking cans around y’crummy neighbourhood miles from
the beach?
Anyway, this sequence, by the Hawaiian photographer
Tony Heff, has always fascinated me. I
saw it on Matt Biolos’ Instagram a lil while ago and
figured it was some kinda advertising shoot. It looks set-up, yeah?
It ain’t.
Turns out Noah and Heff were kicking around Ehukai’s little
sandbar when Noah got a dreamy lil runner, Heff set up for the
shot, and “suddenly he saw the lady right in his path,” says Heff,
“but she couldn’t get out of the way in time. It seems like he did
everything he could to get out of her way but she looked too
buoyant to go underneath the water and he ran the back of her feet
over. Noah wiped out and she came up holding her leg, wincing in
pain. She couldn’t talk. Her husband, he sounded Brazilian, was
yelling at her from the beach, ‘Are you ok? Are you ok?’ I was
bummed because I thought she’d ruined my photo. Later, my friend
was looking at the photos on my camera and couldn’t stop
laughing.”
Let’s examine!
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
