Warshaw: “What the hell’s a Freestone?”

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

"And far as a pretty face and serviceable air game not being what they once were, Kolohe proved that two or three years ago..."

Everyone in the surf media game has had their rookie pieces slotted, filed, posted. We tire of writing about the same faces just like you tire of reading about them. And rookies! Promise! Freshness! Youth!

But why am I feeling so tepid this year? Why don’t I care? Is it because I am aging? Well let me then talk to another aging man about the boys and not just any aging man either but the Professor, the esteemed Doctor, the Scholar, Matt Warshaw! Let us sink our yellowed fangs into the supple skin of their necks and suck!

Would you like to join us? Pull up a stool.

Chas: So. Jack Freestone. Does he do anything for you? He seems like a perfect creation. Strong name, stronger jaw, one half of surfing’s golden couple but he leaves me totally cold. You?

Matt: My favorite rookie, nobody else is even close. Are you kidding? Charging Pipe like that at 17! The Moe Howard haircut, the stammer, the brave little voice box. He’s the one to watch!

Chas: Mmmmm, you’re talking about Jack Robinson.

Matt: . . . ?

Chas: Jack Robinson is the teenager from Margaret River. Jack Freestone is older one, from the Gold Coast.

Matt: “Fuck the WSL!” That guy?

Chas: That’s Noa Deane.

Matt: Shit.

Chas: Do you really not keep up with the kids? Do you really not pick your favorites from the womb? How do you know who will be the next Rob Bain?

Matt: It’s from keeping Rob Bain’s good name from disappearing down the sinkhole of history that I don’t keep up with the kids. The best I can do is keep up with Steve Shearer, who keeps up with the kids. Then of course I am swift and agile when it comes to jumping on WCT rookie bandwagons, like I did with Italo last year. Are there any Italo’s in 2016? Isn’t there a new Brazilian kid with a cool name?

Chas: Ciao Ibelli.

Matt: Ciao Ibelli! Well there you go. The Brazzos are better than everyone else before the heat draw even gets posted. I pick Ciao for Rookie of the Year, and Italo for the title.

Chas: That right there is exactly what I was getting at! Have the Brazilians spoiled us? Jack Freestone would have thrilled, had he come on five, ten years ago right? But now a pretty face and a serviceable air game gives us nothing. Right? Are we all brown on the inside or does Jack Freestone have some rabid fans that I am just missing?

Matt: He’s got a quarter-mil followers on Insta, but I don’t know if that number is big in this day and age, or how rabid his fans are. And far as a pretty face and serviceable air game not being what they once were, Kolohe proved that two or three years ago.

Chas: Who do you like at Snapper this week?

Matt: What’s the forecast?

Chas: Medium-small the first week, probably nothing much bigger after that.

Matt: Filipe wins; Medina semis or better, Brazil will load up half the quarterfinal slots. Fanning, though, without the pressure, might run the board. Early exit for Julian Wilson and de Souza. Am I high, or is that just so damn spot on?

Chas: Spot on except I still believe in Jules. He holds the dying ember of my heart.

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Happy International Women’s Day!

By Rory Parker

9 years ago

Now let's reduce 'em to sex objects, show 'em who's boss…

It’s International Women’s Day! Three cheers for the nigger of the world!

The WSL dropped a very stirring edit. Yep, they love the ladies. Who else is gonna play second banana, fill potential dead air when the tide changes, the wind comes up, and the surf goes to shit? I could link to it, but I won’t. Instead, let’s all watch the following monument to empowerment, the Roxy Pro propaganda from a couple years back.

Amazing! Liberating! Bread and motherfucking roses!

Now you may think, just because I’m almost totally financially supported by a woman, that I’m some sort of enlightened male who recognizes that gender equality benefits everyone. You couldn’t be further from the truth.

In fact, it eats away at me every single day. Because I desperately need to feel superior, and since I lack any real basis for said superiority I cling to vestiges of social inequality. It’s just too damn hard to raise myself up, better to hold others down.

So I’m gonna use today to knock all those uppity ladies down a peg. Reduce ’em to sex objects, show ’em who’s boss.

Here are the top ten women on the WCT, ranked by attractiveness. Because if anyone really cared about their ability they wouldn’t be…

10. Laura Enever: So hot, but knocked down the rankings by her own confidence. Give me some shame, there’s nothing worse than a woman who’s comfortable in her own skin.

9. Tatiana Weston-Webb: Owns the best bottom turn and backside roundhouse on tour. Too blonde though, I like a bit of dirt in my sandwich.

8. Keely Andrew: Got a tomboyish vibe that screams, “I’d be easily manipulated by an older man.” And that really works for me.

7. Nikki Van Dijk: With a face and name like that how can you not imagine she’s the tube sock you spent this morning humping away at?

6. Johanne Defay: Loses points for being French.

5. Alessa Quizon: She’d be higher on the list, but she’s just too damn flat chested. If she took a year off to suture in some inflatable fun-bags she could easily jump a spot or two.

4. Tyler Wright: The haunches of a thoroughbred, perfect for pumping out my babies.

3. Bianca Buitendag: I’ve got a, well, I guess you could call it a fetish, for tall women. I dream of banging away at a woman who’s bigger than me. Vertically. Been down the horizontal road many a time.

2. Sage Erickson: The epitome of muscular voluptuous. That curly hair, that killer smile. If only she weren’t religious. Yeah, the inherent Christian body shame is great, but how am I supposed to lure her back to my lair?

1. Coco Ho: Oh! Coco Ho, slathered in cocoa butter, the very idea makes me coco-nuts! Brown skin, tight body, we’d make the cutest little hapa babies. And I could inject some height into the Ho gene pool.

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Rumor: Kelly Slater to skip Snapper!

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

Kelly Slater, still the biggest draw of the World Surf League, is allegedly not even in Australia!

The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the professionals are almost surfing. Oh the thrill of a new year on the World Surf League’s Championship Tour! The Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast at the famed Snapper Rocks kicks off in either two days or tomorrow depending on where you live/when you read this and there is new blood (Jack Freestone, etc.) and old blood (Taj Burrow etc.) and hot blood (Joel Parkinson) and missing blood (Kelly Slater).

Yes! You read that right! In a wild turn of events, a rumor is floating on those New South Welsh pre-cancerous winds that Kelly Slater, eleven time world champion, friend of chia, enemy of genetic modification, is not currently on the Gold Coast and maybe not planning on coming at all.

Apparently, and from a source on the ground, all the surfers were required to report to the event site yesterday. And all the surfers did. All except Kelly Slater who was said to still be in Hawaii.

Of course and of course, The Inertia‘s hero is known for his tricks, for his mind games, for his sleight of hand. And of course and of course he holds all the cards. If he didn’t, say, follow protocol and instead showed up wearing one of Occy’s muumuus instead of an officially sanctioned WSL singlet (for sale in the gift store) five minutes into his heat do you not think event organizers would let him paddle out? Of course and of course they would!

Kelly Slater is a draw. He is a world title threat (not really but let’s pretend). He is a wonderful surfer and the powers know it.

So will he show up? Our source is on “Kelly Watch” and you will know as soon as we do. But in the meantime, let’s read a little more Zach Weisberg:

That’s not to say we don’t take our lickings internally, discuss and make adjustments where appropriate, but we thought it might be a constructive initiative to acknowledge outrage when it happens, attempt to contextualize it and provide insight from our perspective, and give you, our trusty, loyal readers, access to our logic in how and why we do what we do. Contrary to what you might believe, we don’t really want to kill all that you (and we) love. Not yet.

The Inertia staff take their lickings internally? Wow!

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Movie: TB and Pals’ Coconut Water Co!

By Derek Rielly

9 years ago

Amazing and pensive all slow-motion film to promote Villager Goods…

One month ago, Chas Smith revealed the nature of Taj Burrow, Jack Freestone, Koa Smith and pals’ new brand, Villager Goods.

Beer? No. Coconut water, yes!

Chas wrote: “Remember St. Archer? The extreme sport craft beer financed by action sport stars that took the world by storm, eventually selling to MillerCoors for multiple tens of millions of dollars?

“I remember when I first heard the concept that I almost spit vodka out my nose. “Another craft beer in San Diego?” I chortled. “Ha!” The market here, for those who don’t know, is gagged with a bazillion tons of hops and barley and mostly hops since IPA is trending hard. And distribution is controlled by very few. How would a dang extreme sport craft beer even begin to compete. “HA!”

“Boy, was I wrong.

“And now the same team is entering another choked market. Coconut water! That’s right, you’ve seen Laura Enever’s post, the word VILLAGER in black on a simple white background. You’ve maybe even followed @villagergoods and seen that same logo tiled across the page.

“But what is?

“Extreme sport Coconut water as financed by action sport stars! I’m sure there is some sort of ecological/giving-back angle. I’m sure it will have electrolytes. I’m sure it will taste good and be branded well. I’m sure they will steal market share and be scooped up.

“Investors include Jack Freestone and Taj Burrow, Taylor Knox, Pat, Dane and Tanner Gudauskas, Laura Enever, and best skateboarder in the world Paul Rodriguez.”

A few moments ago, the gang dropped their first promo film. It features skateboarding, long boarding, a man with a Hasselblad and a Fugazi hat (credibility overload!), a little of JF’s small-wave sorcery, a fine long shot of Laura’s ass, a close-up of Koa’s plum-like tits (double sexism!) and much RED-captured slow-mo.

Watch here!

(Thanks to Ned Sweet for the link…)

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Hot: Nude (maybe) Joel Parkinson!

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

Let us have a serious discussion about the male form.

Are you a hot-blooded American, Australian, New Zealander, Brazilian, Hawaiian or South African boy? Do you support, even appreciate, equal rights for people no matter the sexual preference but also get a turnt stomach at the thought of lying naked with another man? Are you proudly hetero to the point of buying a t-shirt that reads It’s Great to be Straight?

Well have I got a photo to challenge you! The great, straight Steve Sherman has such a treasured archive and I’ve been flipping through some of his images this afternoon and I stumbled across this right here.

Look how handsome Mr. Parkinson is! That bone structure, youthfully taut skin, Caesar haircut etc. and how hot does your blood feel now?

But more seriously, is this the most handsome picture of a surfer ever taken? Put aside your childish homo talk and engage seriously, on an artistic level. Handsome? The most?

And gals, please also weigh in! Have you ever seen the male form represented more finely? Right now, if you had to choose, would it be Joel Parkinson (above) or Cristiano Ronaldo (below)?

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Eat beach grit spam!