"And far as a pretty face and serviceable air game not being what they once were, Kolohe proved that two or three years ago..."
Everyone in the surf media game has had their rookie pieces slotted, filed, posted. We tire of writing about the same faces just like you tire of reading about them. And rookies! Promise! Freshness! Youth!
But why am I feeling so tepid this year? Why don’t I care? Is it because I am aging? Well let me then talk to another aging man about the boys and not just any aging man either but the Professor, the esteemed Doctor, the Scholar, Matt Warshaw! Let us sink our yellowed fangs into the supple skin of their necks and suck!
Would you like to join us? Pull up a stool.
Chas: So. Jack Freestone. Does he do anything for you? He seems like a perfect creation. Strong name, stronger jaw, one half of surfing’s golden couple but he leaves me totally cold. You?
Matt: My favorite rookie, nobody else is even close. Are you kidding? Charging Pipe like that at 17! The Moe Howard haircut, the stammer, the brave little voice box. He’s the one to watch!
Chas: Mmmmm, you’re talking about Jack Robinson.
Matt: . . . ?
Chas: Jack Robinson is the teenager from Margaret River. Jack Freestone is older one, from the Gold Coast.
Matt: “Fuck the WSL!” That guy?
Chas: That’s Noa Deane.
Matt: Shit.
Chas: Do you really not keep up with the kids? Do you really not pick your favorites from the womb? How do you know who will be the next Rob Bain?
Matt: It’s from keeping Rob Bain’s good name from disappearing down the sinkhole of history that I don’t keep up with the kids. The best I can do is keep up with Steve Shearer, who keeps up with the kids. Then of course I am swift and agile when it comes to jumping on WCT rookie bandwagons, like I did with Italo last year. Are there any Italo’s in 2016? Isn’t there a new Brazilian kid with a cool name?
Chas: Ciao Ibelli.
Matt: Ciao Ibelli! Well there you go. The Brazzos are better than everyone else before the heat draw even gets posted. I pick Ciao for Rookie of the Year, and Italo for the title.
Chas: That right there is exactly what I was getting at! Have the Brazilians spoiled us? Jack Freestone would have thrilled, had he come on five, ten years ago right? But now a pretty face and a serviceable air game gives us nothing. Right? Are we all brown on the inside or does Jack Freestone have some rabid fans that I am just missing?
Matt: He’s got a quarter-mil followers on Insta, but I don’t know if that number is big in this day and age, or how rabid his fans are. And far as a pretty face and serviceable air game not being what they once were, Kolohe proved that two or three years ago.
Chas: Who do you like at Snapper this week?
Matt: What’s the forecast?
Chas: Medium-small the first week, probably nothing much bigger after that.
Matt: Filipe wins; Medina semis or better, Brazil will load up half the quarterfinal slots. Fanning, though, without the pressure, might run the board. Early exit for Julian Wilson and de Souza. Am I high, or is that just so damn spot on?
Chas: Spot on except I still believe in Jules. He holds the dying ember of my heart.
Big last round for you, ay?
The night is young…
Freestone doesn’t have enough to lose. An Alana Blanchard blow job to come home to wont cut it against the twenty lashes Charlie Medina hands out every night.
Freestone had the best section in Cluster… that’s gotta mean something. to hipsters anyway.
Excuse me, but how did I become your whipping boy?
My gracious at the backdoor commenting. You clowns need to get out more. The only thing going for freestone is the fact he is eating Alanas VA J J. Since he got with her he is but a former shell of surfing talent/promise. He loses all heats mark it down worrying about the ding dongs up on the beach looking to swing their thing in her direction.
Actually, Warshaw was an up-and-comer South Bay “pro” back in the mid-late 70’s. I imagine he can still hold his own.
Hey, Chas, I think I got your next story…
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/…
…I prefer direct deposit.
“Many took issue with Fanning for tucking into a 24-second barrel this year” hahahaaha
“’What a deadset kn**, no respect for surf law, can’t wait to see the end of him,’ one man concluded”
…surfing is the greatest.
Yeah Fuck his 24 second barrel.
Hell, that is so good and can so easily play into the formula! I might try to mix it up tomorrow just to keep you on your toes…
Nice! I see how you gave it to Derek… you’re a good man, Chas.
This is old news now that Chas’ article sits above
I just logged onto the Surfer fantasy surfer and FML what a bunch of freaks they all look in their photos! Classic! I have just picked Melling, the cunt is going to do well in this comp, I just know it!
Hahaha, you really love Melling. But, honestly, you go to respect the hustle. He manage to stay on tour exiting in every Round 2
I’ll hold judgement on him, if he falls in round two, he will be dead to me forever! You hear that Melling, you fall in Rd 2 you are never on my team again!
Fuck, I loved Melling so much it hurt for a while there. Now I just write him off and have an open mind come Sunset.
sounds like my boy Dusty. still a believer though.
Problem is I’m a longtime Bede fan…for a working man, he’s never been one to disappoint…most others haven’t followed suit (although Kai and Ace stayed on tour without a documented air over the better part of the last decade).
Slater’s photo is the best of course… But yeah, be sure to join the BeachGrit club! http://fantasy.surfermag.co…
You’d swear he was a french philosopher, Pupo looks like Bobby, Mikey Wright looks like he is a backwoods deviant from the PNW, Taj looks like a golfer,Italia looks like a hairy 70s porn star – a latin version of ron jeremy and poor old Kolohe looks like he was just snapchatting Zoe Cross again! Gabs is looking sharp as is Jack – he looks like a beat poet from the 1950’s! I’m Bonzerfan on the Fantasy!
The backwoods deviant look, plus handy skills to pay the bills, equals epicness.
hey Negs, would you like me to tell you now or later that my username is still mikeyc? maybe i’ll just send daily reminders in the form of rocks at your window
I saw an opportunity for a fellow New Zealander to take the win… We are perennial second placers so it was nice to balance the scales. If it was at your expense, I apologize wholeheartedly but I cant guarantee it wont happen again. Sorry, your name was?
Haha. Wtf
Add Vulcan ears and the memes are endless!
Conner’s gonna monkey wrench some shit up for some people, given a few nuggets find him in his heats. Give him a little something to lay in to (his rail game is on point), and factor in some divine early 90’s Gerlach mojo, plus can tail high huck it with ease.. Stoked to see the comp go down, hope ma nature and big blue hook it up ..
I’d rather see Alana in the draw than Jack. And will the entire CT field be named Jack in a few years???
No brazilians named jack, so no
But do we know the Portuguese translation for Jack? Could have the field be Jack and the other half be Portuguese Jack?
that’d be Zé… not exactly translation, more of an analogy on pop names/nicks…
See…I knew someone would have the answer and now I have my perfect nightmare. Thanks…I think.
…btw, who’s that flintstone guy everyones’ talking about?
Freestone will do well this year, mark my words
Marking. But you are so wrong. The boy’s a classic flameout.
Callinan for the dark horse rookie of the year
But his doing very well in the hipster/poser Intagram world tour. This year I predict a tight race between Freestone, Sterling Spencer and Noa Dane.
JBay is where he will do best, other than that Snapper he will bomb out round 4, France will be another good one for him, last but not least he will do well at Lowers
rd4 is no losers, idiot…
Thank you, ok then surf guru round 5. I’m guessing you watch the WSL religiously from your shitty job? Then you go on Beach Grit hoping that someone will trip up, but you really know in your heart of hearts you ride a Hypto Krypto and can’t do a turn? Am I close?
read the handle again and take a luckier shot…
his fundamentals are spot on, he’s not predictable, doesn’t telegraph airs with four pumps and a wide stance bottom turn. he’ll struggle with Snapper and Lowers if its small, but he’ll light up anywhere that Jordy has a chance at.
he’s a round 4 at snapper i think, and you’re right Jbay he will go really well, I think his hifi antics will serve him well at lowers
Saw a photo of Wilko wearing the confederate flag at the WSL banquet. Racism as a fashion statement . What a pile of shit.
I was wondering if anyone else noticed that.
fuck you mate. i live in the confederate states of america and that flag is pure beauty. only the pussies gripe about this shit here.
hey chas, that fake ‘ciao’ thing is not gonna bait anymo… fuck, I did it again…
Ha! Sorry…I promise to try harder in the future.
But it IS correct…as a faithful spelling of the phonetic pronunciation destined to ejaculate from the mouths of every Aussie commentator…
i don’t care enough for the three clicks it would take to find out, but is matt’s prediction for snapper exactly what happened last year or is it not?
jules got second last year, gabs lost round three, mick lost quarters, ADS same.
In short: no
Nobody likes a know-it-all, Michael…see what too much book-learnin’ does, it renders one ‘uppity’…excuse me, gotta get back to the fields.
Freestone will make two of his total of 4 heats for 2016 at snapper, How can you be hungry for success when you have his current life situation. Surely Gabs or Phillip to take snapper
i like the idea of a pro surfer named Phillip
I prefer them as televisions…
This was so shit it deserves an upvote Sandy.
…and samsung would not allow them on their turf
Such a regal name
Andy irons’ real first name is Philip
Phillip Theodore Toledioso the third
Yung Fillie T
spot on, my fantasy is fucked. filipe is too expensive this year