Happy International Women’s Day!

Now let's reduce 'em to sex objects, show 'em who's boss…

It’s International Women’s Day! Three cheers for the nigger of the world! 

The WSL dropped a very stirring edit. Yep, they love the ladies. Who else is gonna play second banana, fill potential dead air when the tide changes, the wind comes up, and the surf goes to shit? I could link to it, but I won’t. Instead, let’s all watch the following monument to empowerment, the Roxy Pro propaganda from a couple years back.

Amazing! Liberating! Bread and motherfucking roses!

Now you may think, just because I’m almost totally financially supported by a woman, that I’m some sort of enlightened male who recognizes that gender equality benefits everyone. You couldn’t be further from the truth.

In fact, it eats away at me every single day. Because I desperately need to feel superior, and since I lack any real basis for said superiority I cling to vestiges of social inequality. It’s just too damn hard to raise myself up, better to hold others down.

So I’m gonna use today to knock all those uppity ladies down a peg. Reduce ’em to sex objects, show ’em who’s boss.

Here are the top ten women on the WCT, ranked by attractiveness. Because if anyone really cared about their ability they wouldn’t be…

10. Laura Enever: So hot, but knocked down the rankings by her own confidence. Give me some shame, there’s nothing worse than a woman who’s comfortable in her own skin.

9. Tatiana Weston-Webb: Owns the best bottom turn and backside roundhouse on tour. Too blonde though, I like a bit of dirt in my sandwich.

8. Keely Andrew: Got a tomboyish vibe that screams, “I’d be easily manipulated by an older man.” And that really works for me.

7. Nikki Van Dijk: With a face and name like that how can you not imagine she’s the tube sock you spent this morning humping away at?

6. Johanne Defay: Loses points for being French.

5. Alessa Quizon: She’d be higher on the list, but she’s just too damn flat chested. If she took a year off to suture in some inflatable fun-bags she could easily jump a spot or two.

4. Tyler Wright: The haunches of a thoroughbred, perfect for pumping out my babies.

3. Bianca Buitendag: I’ve got a, well, I guess you could call it a fetish, for tall women. I dream of banging away at a woman who’s bigger than me. Vertically. Been down the horizontal road many a time.

2. Sage Erickson: The epitome of muscular voluptuous. That curly hair, that killer smile. If only she weren’t religious. Yeah, the inherent Christian body shame is great, but how am I supposed to lure her back to my lair?

1. Coco Ho: Oh! Coco Ho, slathered in cocoa butter, the very idea makes me coco-nuts! Brown skin, tight body, we’d make the cutest little hapa babies. And I could inject some height into the Ho gene pool.