Dear Rory: “Jewelry is for old ladies!”

Men aren't raised to play with hair and make-up, dress up and pretend to be fancy… 

Dear Rory,

I think most BeachGrit readers are aware of Chas’ discerning taste for fashion and style, but for those of us who aren’t into having Ellen Degeneres’ hair style or tight pants I was hoping you might offer a few style tips for surfers. It seems like everyone is trying to sell surfers some clothing, but few are making much sense out of it all. We need an impartial arbitrator of style! Sure you might take a few free tees or throw up a few ads, but I trust you’ll look past specific brands give general tips like: 

Should I roll the cuff of my pants and show off some ankle? Is it okay to do this in a work environment?

Earth tones or is brighter better?

Board shorts length? I’m usually a 19” guy myself. That whole huge baggy thing looked terrible on my scrawny ass.

Is it okay to wear boardshorts everywhere? What about my wallet cell phone and keys?

Is it time to ditch the short beard and go clean? Are mustaches still okay?

Best jacket for rainy days that aren’t all that cold (okay maybe a brand would help)?

Confused Couture Cunt Craves A Confidant

Dear Rory says: Men’s fashion is a mystery to me.

One of the many advantages to being born male, we aren’t heavily socialized from a young age to place a high value our appearance. Sure, there’s the genetic lottery thing going on. Life’s always easier when you’re easy on the eyes. But we aren’t raised to play with hair and make-up, dress up and pretend to be fancy.

So long as you’re not ugly, maintain good hygiene, I don’t think it really matters how you dress. Body language, attitude, they’re what’s important. No one ever sees the real you, that shit’s internal. The way you carry yourself projects an image into others’ minds. WHOA!

Maybe nice clothes help some people with that. I don’t know. I just see a pair of pants that cost as much as a surfboard. Or a pile of drugs. Or a million other things that mean far more to me than pants.

I do live by a few fashion rules. Grown men should never wear hats inside. Sweatpants are a sign of failure. Never have a haircut that could hamper you in a fight. Jewelry is for old ladies. If you wear suspenders and a belt simultaneously you’re a fucking idiot. Bow ties belong on cartoon characters.

But my root advice is this: Cool people don’t care what others think. They do what they want and everyone loves it.

Some people may disagree, say the clothes make the man.

They’re stupid, and I don’t give two fucks what they say. Because I’m cool, and they are not.

In answer to your questions:

I live in the tropics, I do not wear long pants. Ever. If I’m in a cold climate and am forced to put some on I roll my cuffs up so they don’t drag in the mud.

Color color color! Bright is right! Be a peacock, don’t worry about matching.

Short shorts are great if you’re a hairless little manboy whose balls haven’t dropped yet. Otherwise, keep ’em at the knee. I shouldn’t need underpants to shield innocent eyes from my majestic man package.

Board shorts everywhere. Ditch the cell phone, get a home line. Make people communicate via email. Wallet and keys will fit in one pocket.

I grow a mustache every six months or so. Always expect to look like Tom Selleck. Instead, about a week in, I find my dad staring back at me from the mirror. Not the look I’m going for.

Fifty gallon trashbag with head and arm holes cut into it.

Send your life questions to: [email protected]

Due to the volume of mail, Dear Rory can’t answer letters personally etc…