If I worked for those poor Wavegarden guys I'd be sending out resumes as fast as I can…
Three days ago, someone poisoned me. Don’t know who. I’ve got enemies. Could’ve been the wife, finally grown sick of my shit.
Could’ve been the secret Zionist cabal that controls the world. Been too long since we ran a pro-Israel piece. My dog’s been actin’ real worried and shook up, he’s the only one I trust at this point.
Unless that’s some sort of ruse…
Went out for sushi in Poipu the night before I fell ill. One of those hotels that looks really nice but is identical to a thousand around the world. Are we in the Bahamas? Palm Springs? Cancun? Kauai? Who the fucks knows. Does it even matter?
Suspect I picked up a bug from one of my million fellow aloha shirt haole twang colonizers. Or caught the end result of unhygienic cook staff forced to labor in the sushi mines so their home can better serve as an outsiders’ playground. Might be some sort of karmic retribution going on here. If I believed in that kind of stuff. Which I don’t, unless it suits my purpose.
The upshot is two days of fever delirium, body wracking aches, and the ever lovely situation wherein you sprint to the toilet and realize it’s coming out both ends simultaneously. Bathroom waste bin doubles as a bucket!
Feeling like a wrung-out rag. Dehydrated, weak. Probably ten pounds lighter. But more or less mentally here. And it’s killing me I missed the wavepool news. Because I’ve got opinions. Ever so many!
I’m sure y’all are tired of pool coverage by this point. I’m almost there myself. Not too worried about the ramifications for our lovely sport as a whole. A pool won’t ever be “real” surfing. No matter how good some rich kid gets on the thing he still won’t know how to paddle, or read the ocean, or position himself in the lineup, or deal with the ravenous hordes of us old-timey “naturals.”
We’ll get to see them try. Rock up to the beach on a full Rick Kane trip and get their asses handed to them. And that’ll be amusing.
But we all know the hardest part of surfing ain’t riding a wave, it’s putting yourself in the situation to do so repeatedly. Hell, just making it into the lineup will be challenge enough to deter the majority of chlorine neophytes. Why struggle so hard if you can afford the ersatz variety?
Real ramifications for wave pools as an industry, though. Stunning act of vertical integration. Own the waves, own the tour. Sell the wave, rent the tour. Great selling point right there.
“When you build a KSWC/WSL/Ziff brand pool you’re not just buying the wave. No siree, Bob! You’re also buying perpetual WSL event sanctioning. Something no other wave pool company can provide.”
Real kick in the nuts right there for Webber. Hard to compete with that. Draw built right in. Toss a ‘QS event into each contract, let the biggest money bid on the bigger show.
Wife says it smacks of monopoly. Film industry got popped for similar antitrust practices back in the day. Owned the theaters, only screened their own films.
An interesting idea, for sure.
And, you know, let’s not forget that a few of pro surfing’s non-surfing overlords come from a background that knows a lot about running a successful monopoly. NFL lost an antitrust suit back in the 80s. Cost them a whopping $3.76 in fines. No missing zeros in that previous sentence.
But that’s a potential problem for the future. In the now, if I were a member of the KSWC sales team, I’d be licking my chops.
But if I worked for those poor Wavegarden guys I’d be sending out resumes as fast as I can. First one addressed to Lemoore, CA.
Or wherever KSWC offices are.
Maybe Santa Monica?
rory, i usually agree with your brand of self-depricating babble, and the opinions that come with it. I am writing to inform you that you’re wrong about this one. Kelly’s wave is actually good news for Wavegarden. Kelly’s co has yet to divulge the all important pieces to the business puzzle: cost to build and operate. Most likely because it is way too large to be commercially viable in its current form. Moving water is expensive, and the power curve as you ramp up wave size is not linear. once you get past the 4-5 foot mark, adding inches becomes extremely expensive. Kelly has done an amazing job proving what wave pools can do, but his technology isnt commercially ready, and wavegarden is, so they are benefitting from the king legitimizing the industry as a whole.. . .. i just blacked out, what happened?
hold the phone here. jumping to the monopoly theory already? this shit hasnt even lifted ground yet we are talking about is being a monopoly to the wave pool industry? wait till these pools hit the public and then cry unfair competition. until then, ill believe in one when i see it…not on a screen
“And it’s killing me I missed the wavepoo news. Because I’ve got Ever so many! I’m sure y’all are tired of poo coverage by this point. I’m almost there myself. A poo won’t ever be “real”. No matter how good some rich kid gets on the thing he still won’t know how to pad, or read , or position himself to the toilet. Hell, just making it into the toilet it’s killing me.
(just some cut n’ paste fun)
Hope you feel better Rory
so big, so sad
i’ll just leave this right here…..
Fuck I been away for 2 weeks and I missed so much – did Kelly invent a wavepool???
the wsl doesn’t have $3.76 does it? No missing zeroes in that previous sentence.
When will weber drop his wavepool on us? I would love to see his version come out and kill kelly’s…..or fail, in which case it would be funny to see him have to concede to kelly after all the trash talking. So get on it Weber, it is imperative for my entertainment!
My god.
thought the quality of surfing was horrendous at this wavepool event, it was the scene of one of the greatest paddle battles for priority ever. Mike Burness and Tom Carroll locked into a paddle battle from the kiddies end to the deep end, collecting each others heads with each furious stroke. All of this in flat chlorinated pool to the end to touch the lifeguards red floaty for priority. Hilarious to watch.
that might work in Brazil
Tom Carroll, Mike Parsons, Kevin Barr, Willie Morris, Rabbit Bartholomew, Dave Parmenter, Scott Farnsworth and Mike Lambresi.
Priority Parmenter
Yes, but it’s David Barr. Thanks for that, I was struggling with that one.
Your Willie Morris looks more like Vince Collier.
They all look like a seagull has shit on them.
I figure when the coast gets too expensive, I age out of tech or my town becomes tidal marshland with sea level rise. I can move inland and get a job at a KSWCo wavepark in guest services, maintenance, crap it doesn’t it even matter? Ya figure management is going to give the help some waves each day. (Lefts, please) That’s a sick job benefit. Kelly Slater Job Creator.
Silicon Beach, not SM. and why is no one talking about a union. its gonna be a goddamn plantation system until people demand better. “surfers’ rep” my ass. Rio was the boycott opportunity, sure as fuck ain’t missing Fiji.
half point for cunt, another half for the reasoning
how’s the fivehead on Snips?
He’s got the real alien cranium.
we used to call them milk bottle heads at school
I’m just waiting for Red Bull and Go Pro to go all in on wavegarden and it will be like the good old days of WWF vs WCW
Stone Cold Steve Austin vs Goldberg
have you ever heard the audio of Goldberg acting like he suffers from Turrets on the Howard Stern show?
Na? Good?
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
maybe it was Goldust
glory days
Hulk Hogan Vs Ric Flair. They both seem to have aged into 70’s porn stars
Kane vs Rey Mysterio Jr. Hahahaha fuck so many better match ups than the WSL.
If the WSL wavepool takes off I can imagine them dressing the surfers up and giving them characters. They are half way there with the white Fijian, The Spartan, White Lighting… Its the only way they will get America interested
The Poo Stance Crab?
There’s a turd – floater – pool gag in there somewhere but my brain is refusing to connect it together.
kane v undertaker
It’s an attempt to prevent the audience yawning. It’s a technique that has had me dragged across the coals as a misogynistic beast in a briefly held big city office job. It’s the same office I showed my surf film. Got thrown out the same day.
We call it cartel conduct down under, cunt. It probably isn’t as draconian as you might think. It’s a pretty small industry. Investors are more likely to back the most established organisations/people involved. Webber will be pacing around, drawing waves with a trough on a chalk board but he must know in his heart of hearts that he is a terrible businessman. He should’ve piggy backed this mongoloid behemoth and sold his ideas.
wait, you mean Kelly didn’t do the engineering on this bad boy?