monk seal attack

Hero: Man Attacks Pregnant Monk Seal!

What's not to love?

Does the well publicized beaching of a whale corpse at Trestles this past week foreshadow a coming apocalypse?

Are aquatic mammals re-evolving?

Will they learn to once again live on the land, usher in a new era of terror?

Can we expect a dark future rife with oppression at the hands of our cetacean overlords, their every whim enforced by an army of jack booted pinnipeds?

At least one Kauai man believes so. Nineteen-year-old Shiloh Akuna was arrested Thursday after footage of his heroic effort to return a monk seal interloper to her watery realm surfaced on social media.

The seal in question, a seventeen-year-old pregnant female, is infamous in local waters. Given to lounging about all day on the beach and slutting it up with all comers, her very presence is indicative of Hawaii’s welfare queen mentality.

An all encompassing sense of entitlement that pervades our entire endemic seal population, sure to lead to all out interspecies warfare once the humpbacks return next year.

Currently facing up to five years in prison for his efforts on our behalf, Akuna’s imprisonment is a miscarriage of justice on the order of Eugene V Debs.

A true hero, a man willing to suffer for the greater good despite whatever harsh treatment he may face.

Parker: “I love being a man!”

Tall, strong. Got a great dick. Best dick ever, really.

I try to live by the rule: it’s okay to look, not leer.

I’m a virile male, skew pretty straight on the Kinsey scale. I mean, I am a total degenerate, so if something flops into my lap I’ll react on a case by case basis. Sure, there’s dicks out there I’d suck. But I’m not trolling local restrooms looking for ’em.

But women… Lovely, soft skin, heavenly smelling women. Love ’em all. Fat ones, skinny ones, short ones, tall ones. Especially the tall ones. And the fat ones. And the other two. All of them, really.

But I suspect I also hate them.

A little bit.

In that deep dark place where I hide my true self. It gets weird in there. I try to be unrepentantly myself but there are a few monsters that’ve gotta be kept under lock and key. I suspect we’re all like that. Maybe I’m projecting. More than a few things I thought were normal turned out, “No one else thinks that, Rory!”

I only just recently realized it. Came about because transphobia’s so hot right now. “Of course it’s okay. You don’t get to choose who you are. And, anyway, who the fuck would want to be a woman?”

The moment it came out of my mouth, uh oh.

That’s, like, maybe not a great thing to feel. But I love being a man. Tall, strong. Got a great dick. Best dick ever, really. Pretty damn good looking, though my ears are slightly off kilter since my last surgery and no one else notices but I have just enough vanity that it’s fucking killing me. Makes my sunglasses sit slightly askew as well.

Given actual thought to cosmetic surgery. Wouldn’t be the first time. A commenter made a crack about me and Christie Brinkley, something about how she’d had cosmetic surgery and I hadn’t. Jokes on him, I caught a fin to the face back in high school and used a plastic surgeon to keep me pretty.

The point being, I think I might hate women a little bit. Which I need to work on. But knowing’s half the battle.

However! I have nothing but admiration for athletes. I understand the struggle, the effort, the total commitment it takes to build your skill to the top level. There’s sacrifice and hardship and doubt and it’s a never ending nightmare. To look at the best in the world and say, “I can do better.” Fucking amazing.

So it bothers me to see top-tier female athletes marketed almost solely on their sexuality. Yeah, they’re gorgeous. But show me that gorgeous woman doing something she’s worked her entire life to achieve. Don’t just sell me a close up of her amazing ass. I might like it, but I don’t appreciate it.

Of course, it’s her body. She can do what she wants with it. Nothing wrong or shameful with taking pride in your form. But if she’s not into it and is just going along because that’s how you play the game? Then I’d like to see the rules change.

It’s something I’d really like to write about, that relationship between our top females’ sexuality and their marketability. Are they into it? Are they pressured? Is it all part of a plan?

But it’d be hard. Probably not good. Because I’m a guy and I like being a guy and I think I might hate women a little bit and in the end there’s just no way I can really relate.

So I’ve just gotta keep hoping some lady tackles the matter.

But you know what I can write about? An amazingly shot and edited video featuring some of the sexiest damn women I’ve ever seen. Are they being objectified? Absolutely! But they’re models, it’s what they do. Literally what they signed up for. Male, female, whatever. Nothing wrong here.

Very racy. Absolutely titillating. Made my day. Showed it to my wife, asked, “Why don’t you look like this anymore?”

“Fuck you, Rory. You never looked that good.”

Rabbit Kekai
Rabbit Kekai was the best 60-year-old surfer in the world, then the best 70-year-old, then the best 80-year old. Not sure when he actually had to quit, but I’m sure it wasn’t by choice. | Photo: @KellySlater

Culture: Get to Know Rabbit Kekai!

Rabbit Kekai is surfing's link to the Duke! He's precious!

Surfing has history. And it’s a good one. Long before the WSL and the ASP and half a century before Kelly Slater, the surfing dream was…created… by Hawaiian surfers of an imperial majesty.
Men like Duke Kahanamoku and men like Rabbit Kekai, the beachboys of Waikiki. Surfers and swordsman of the highest order. Took surfing to new levels and built the whole damn myth kids from San Clemente to Sao Paulo still cling to.
Anyway, Rabbit is ninety-seven years old now and lookin’ like hell in a hospital bed. Ageing ain’t pretty, but…if I can get this close to a hundred and still be breathing sweet air, I’ll take it.
I remember seeing Rab, in his late seventies at the time, on my first few trips to Hawaii. Good looking, bit of a stomach, but with the vibe of a man thirty years younger.
To me he always presented a beautiful example of a life lived well. And he’s our connection to the Duke and to the genesis of modern surfing.
Let’s learn a little about him before he skips town.
I called the surf historian Matt Warshaw to fill in the gaps…
BeachGrit: Rabbit matters. Right?
Warshaw: Surfers rode straight for 2,000 years, then after World War II, the story goes, a few hot young guys at Malibu began turning, and that’s the start of performance surfing as we know it. But if you actually talk to the Malibu guys—Matt Kivlin and Joe Quigg are still alive—they say that the inspiration for the whole deal came from sailing off to Waikiki one year, I think it was 1947, and getting an eyeful of Rabbit Kekai at Queens.
What was Rabbit doing that was so different?
I don’t know how much actual turning was going on. Rabbit at that point was still riding a hot curl, which means no fin. But he was super quick on his feet, moved up and down the board a lot, and yeah, he could change directions a bit. I remember Rabbit saying that when he was a kid, he his pals would surf their way around rocks on the inside, which was fun, and when they they moved out to Queens they just kept turning their boards.
But no fin, huh?
No, but Rabbit’s boards were way smaller and thinner and narrower than what Kivlin and his buddies were riding. Kivlin borrowed Rabbit’s board—or Quigg borrowed it, I forget—and could sink it to the bottom just by standing on the deck. So Rabbit could change direction kind of the way a good surfer on an alaia can change direction. The Malibu guys sailed back to Malibu and made their boards smaller, and started copying Rabbit’s moves.
Rabbit Kekai, surfing Queens by Clarence Maki.
What else should we know about Rabbit?
The man’s a big-time talker, one of the best, the stories were endless, but you never quite know if what he says is 100% true, or maybe flavored a bit. But let’s see. He was a fast little fucker, and ran a 10-second 100-yard-dash in high school. He did underwater demo work during the war, and maybe blew up an enemy ship or two. Was a part-time board thief as a teenager. Lose your board from way out the back, and Rabbit would have that thing up on sawhorses, reshaping it, sawdust flying, by the time you hit the beach. He’s shrug and point. “Mighta drifted down that way!”
And he just kept surfing. 
He was the best 60-year-old surfer in the world, then the best 70-year-old, then the best 80-year old. Not sure when he actually had to quit, but I’m sure it wasn’t by choice.
Kind of a dick-swinger too…
Last of the great Waikiki beachboys. Gave surf lessons to movie stars Gary Cooper, David Niven, Gregory Peck, and nobody went on record, but for the local boys running with the Hollywood crew I’m pretty sure it was hot and cold running pussy.
I’m interested in the line, hot and cold running pussy. Do these old men ever reminisce about this aspect of the golden age? 
Among themselves, no doubt. Not to some grinning haole reporter like me or you looking for a story. But yeah, whatever else they did, surf lessons or tour guide or whatnot, gigolo service was on the menu for sure.
…what a life it must’ve been for the beach boys. I’m still thinking pussy…
Lotta alcoholism and a lot of busted marriages, but yeah . . .
Seems like we’re losing all the great ones. 
They guys who made a decision to surf when surfing wasn’t a career, or anything close to respectable—that’s a big deal. That’s a hard decision. Surfing is so easy when your parents and teachers do it, and it’s all over People magazine, and John John’s making 3 mil a year or whatever. I love guys like Rabbit who had to do it by hook or crook, when nobody gave a shit, and nobody was watching, or if they were watching, they were thinking, Get a job, you bum. We were only ever interesting, surfers that is, when this was hard. Rabbit lived a great life, a spectacular life, rode a million waves, loved a thousand women. But he had to make a lot of up as I went, I’m guessing. It wasn’t a free ride.

Dane Reynolds
“I’ve always been about aesthetic, something that generally looks or feels good, or has a good vibe to it, but I’m pretty sick of shit that looks cool but has no substance.” | Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms/Photo Union Worker

Revealed: Reynolds’ Quik Contract!

Dane Reynolds will hate me for this. But I'm a fan and I love this shit…

I’ve read so much speculation regarding top tier contracts over the years. How much are they making? Hard to say. Always kept secret. In the case of Dane, his contract made that mandatory:

The athlete will keep secret and confidential all details of this agreement and all knowledge of information relating to Quiksilver, its Affiliates and Licensees, other than information which at the time of receipt or subsequently has passed into the public domain other than by fault of the athlete.

But Quik’s bankrupt, seeking to divest themselves of Reynolds’s claim against them, and so submitted Dane’s contract as evidence. Which makes it a matter of public record and that means we all get to feast our eyes on the details.

The contract prior to 2006 is absent, but the rest is all there. 2006 to 2011, as well as the amendments made when he re-upped until 2017.

I can only assume Dane is going to hate me for this. Kinda sucks, put myself on his radar, make him not like me. ‘Cuz just like every surfer, I adore Mr Reynolds. Super uncomfortable since he’s the surfer we all want to be. Dora without the thievery.

But I’m first and foremost a fan and I love this shit.  So here we go…

Dane Reynolds contract

Additionally, Dane’s contract entitled him to a $100,000 signing bonus, as well as 10,000 Quiksilver stock options, vested over a three-year period.

Nice chunk of change going on here. Pretty lucrative incentives (with the exception of that stock, obviously.) Unfortunately for Dane’s wallet, things didn’t really pan out. He decided to quit the tour in 2011, posted a letter on Marine Layer explaining why. It’s no longer there, but our dear friends at The Inertia saved it from extinction. 

and so here i am. 26. officially off tour. wasted talent. blown potential. refusing responsibility. ‘all he wants to do is sit at home and play with crayons and ride fucked up boards.’ but wait! but wait! that’s not true! don’t listen to chris mauro. he’s a dinosaur. doesn’t get it. this may be the end as a wct contender, but its also a new beginning. i feel like a baseball. the skins been carefully pried off and there’s a thread and i’m gonna pull it and i’m gonna end up a pile of string on the floor. but then maybe i’ll be knit into something more useful, like a sweater. or perhaps something beautiful, like a hand embroidered masterpiece of a deer and two fawn drinking cold clear water out of a creek. but you never know. i hope to achieve some sort of balance. yeah, i do like riding fucked up boards, but i also like doing airs and taking some aggression out on a cutback. and competings rad if you can stay inspired, but rankings and trophy’s mean very little to me. i wanna learn, i wanna make things, things of purpose, be productive. travel. new experiences. new sensations. and most importantly explore the outer limits of performance surfing. i’ll still compete. but its not going to consume me. 

Of course, even off tour, perhaps especially so, Dane was still a huge draw. His 2011 renegotiation earned him a substantial pay increase. Amendments to the contract included:

– A monthy salary of $291,666.67.

– A 3% royalty on net sales of products that “bear the name or likeness of Athlete, or utilize the designs or artwork created and owned solely by Athlete (the ‘Signature Products’).”

– “The term ‘Team Managers’ shall be deleted from the agreement and be replaced in all instances with ‘Quiksilver Liasons.’” (I’m sure there’s a story behind that one.)

– “Athlete may also wear and use ‘Summer Teeth’ brand clothing and accessories as reasonably approved by sponsor, but only for so long as Sponsor or one of its Affiliates is the exclusive licensee and manufacturer of the ‘Summer Teeth” brand.”

– Marine Layer Productions became the sole producer of all of Reynolds’s video shoots, so long as “all fees and expenses are pre-approved in writing by Sponsor in its reasonable discretion and are comparable to the fees and expenses that would be charged by similarly situated production companies.”

-Reimbursement for expenses during travel to any promotional activity or competition. The 2006-2011 contract left Dane to pay.

– “For so long as the Sponsor has the ‘Young Guns House’ in Pupukea, HI, Athlete may stay in the house during the months of November and December of each year during the Term, provided Athlete gives Sponsor reasonable notice of his intent to stay at the house.”

– Reimbursement of up to $72,000 per year to pay for the lease and insurance costs of a “house, apartment, warehouse space or other property.”

-Custom fitted black wetsuits made from Japanese rubber

There’s more to it, including Dane’s responsibilities regarding promotional activity, behavior, etc. But it’s all kind of boring legalese.

For those of you who are interested, here is Quik’s response to the claim in full.

Quiksilver response to claim


Revealed: Reynolds vs Quik! (Part one!)

BeachGrit actually does its homework and finds a treasure trove of court documents!

Is Dane Reynolds suing Quiksilver? The easy answer is no, he is not. But in law there are no easy answers. The reality is a bit more complicated.

On September 21st 2015 Quik’s Miky Picon sent an email to Blair Marlin, Dane’s manager, spelling out their desire to renegotiate Dane’s contract, as well as extend it until 2020. It had previously been set to expire in 2017. (The potential new contract was not included in court docs, though it’s safe to assume it involved a pay cut, which, coupled with an extension, make it no surprise Dane decided to walk.)

Hi Blair,

I hope you are well.

I try to move as quick as possible for the benefits of everyone here..

We put in place that offer for Dane for the next 5 years. As I already mention, we really want to give our best offer straight a head and not trying to play any games, in the respect of Dane we put one strong offer and you guys give us an answer..

You can shop around and see what you guys will decide. This offer is still strong for the market, and after all those years in the team i hope he will take the right decision to stay with us.. We will let the totally Freedom to Dane to be Dane.. Shoot, surf, all the things he like to do.. We will support any project for the coming 5 years, we will have the budget on the side for that.

I really hope you will take in consideration all the past and looking to end Dane’s career with us.. We are very loyal to all our ambassador, today Tom, Mark all those legends are still under contract with us,. Dane will be the same.. He is our ambassador and part of the Family. If he think that Pierre doesn’t like him he is totally wrong, he is just waiting to build that relationship! We all love Dane we want Dane to stay, everyone want to work with him so hopefully we will continue..

If Dane does not accept our proposal, the next step would be to ask the court to `reject’ his agreement. Following our request, it is likely that the court will treat it as though we terminated the agreement. 

Let me know if you have any questions..

We are waiting to get an answer before Nov 1st 2015. After that we will consider that you are not accepting our offer.

It will give you plenty of time and hopefully you will come back to us before with a positive return.

Blair I’m open to talk any day any time, i’m here always available for sharing and make this deal happen.

Thank you


An email exchange between Dane’s management and Quik heads ensued concerning altering a non-disparagement clause in the termination agreement, as well as reducing the time line regarding removal of Reynolds from Quiksilver promotional material.

From Scott Lindley at Wasserman,

Our only issue is that we need to remove the non-disparagement provision. Not because Dane intends to go around disparaging QS and its employees, but as you know, Dane has always tried to be an open book with his fans. This is one of his traits that makes him so appealing to everyone in the surf industry, including QS. We don’t want to have to quash his personality out of fear that he may cross a toe over the line somewhere.


It is really important to Dane to have the Internet content removed ASAP so I have moved that reference back to 2 weeks, rather than 1 month.

An agreement was reached, termination papers signed on November 5, 2015. It spelled out a schedule for removal of Dane’s likeness, and altered the “non-disparagement” clause to read, Each Party agrees that it shall not knowingly and/or intentionally slander or libel the other Party.

Noticeably absent from the termination agreement is any form of further payment to Reynolds, meaning he agreed to more or less walk away from his deal. Surprisingly, at no time do any of Dane’s representatives float the notion of Quik simply buying out the remainder of Dane’s contract. Or at least, not within any of the emails filed with the court.

From Quiksilver’s filing:

Nevertheless, on November 18, 2015, another lawyer, Joseph A. Eisenberg, filed proofs of claim on behalf of ten (10) different individuals, including Reynolds. Exhibit B. The proof of claim filed on Reynolds’ behalf (“Reynolds’ Claim”) was assigned Claim No. 616, and asserted a general unsecured claim in the approximate amount of $3.6 million for amounts allegedly due under the Sponsorship Agreement. Exhibit C.

Upon information and belief, neither Reynolds nor Lindley nor Wasserman informed Mr. Eisenberg that Quiksilver and Reynolds had executed the Termination Agreement before Mr. Eisenberg filed the Reynolds Claim. Regrettably, Quiksilver recently learned that Reynolds will not stand by the Termination Agreement and will not withdraw the Reynolds Claim, thereby necessitating this Motion.

The ten individuals mentioned in Eisenberg’s filing included, in addition to Reynolds: Nate Adams, Iika Backstrom, Travis Pastrana, Ken Block, Craig Andersen, Dara Howell, Kelia Moniz, Torah Bright, and Travis Rice.

As far as monies purportedly owed to Reynolds:

A. For each year from April 1, 2011 through and including October 31, 2017, Claimant is to receive Base Compensation in the amount of $291,666.67 per month. As of the Petition Date, Claimant had failed to receive the sum of $369,444.45, and thereafter Claimant failed to receive Base Compensation of $21,603.93 of such minimum guaranteed compensation. Accordingly, Claimant is entitled to Base Compensation due and to become due Claimant in the aggregate sum of $3,599,381.75.

B. Claimant is entitled to receive Incentive Compensation in amounts nod presently determinable. This Proof of Claim will be amended to include such amounts as and when determinable.

C. Claimant is entitled to receive Royalty Compensation equal to three per cent (3%) of Net Sales of products by Debtor and its affiliates bearing the name or likeness of Claimant. The amount of such Royalty Compensation is not presently determinable, and this Proof of Claim will be amended to include such amounts as and when determined.

So, what’s going on here?

During the course of a bankruptcy a company forfeits control over the type of agreements it can enter into without the court’s approval.

Had Dane accepted the termination agreement, but not filed, or had withdrawn, his claim there was a chance the bankruptcy court would not approve his termination agreement, but Dane would no longer have a claim on the balance of his contract. Furthermore, a point of contention during negotiations was Quiksilver’s ability to use Dane’s image in promotional material for one year post-termination, as specified in his original contract. It is possible, if unlikely, that Dane would see his image used to promote Quiksilver while not earning a dime. And in the case of bankruptcy proceedings creditors find themselves in a “speak now or forever hold your peace” type situation.  If you don’t lay a claim to your cash you don’t see a cent.

In summary: Dane Reynolds has not filed a lawsuit against Quiksilver, but he has filed a claim against the company. Should the termination agreement be accepted it’s a near surety that said claim will be dismissed, and all parties will go about their business with no hard feelings.

If you’re interested in reading the termination agreement in its entirety you can see it here.

Termination Agreement

But, wait, there’s more!

In the course of Quiksilver’s filing they included the entirety of Dane’s contract. Interesting reading, coming at you in Part Two, later today.