What's not to love?
Does the well publicized beaching of a whale corpse at Trestles this past week foreshadow a coming apocalypse?
Are aquatic mammals re-evolving?
Will they learn to once again live on the land, usher in a new era of terror?
Can we expect a dark future rife with oppression at the hands of our cetacean overlords, their every whim enforced by an army of jack booted pinnipeds?
At least one Kauai man believes so. Nineteen-year-old Shiloh Akuna was arrested Thursday after footage of his heroic effort to return a monk seal interloper to her watery realm surfaced on social media.
The seal in question, a seventeen-year-old pregnant female, is infamous in local waters. Given to lounging about all day on the beach and slutting it up with all comers, her very presence is indicative of Hawaii’s welfare queen mentality.
An all encompassing sense of entitlement that pervades our entire endemic seal population, sure to lead to all out interspecies warfare once the humpbacks return next year.
Currently facing up to five years in prison for his efforts on our behalf, Akuna’s imprisonment is a miscarriage of justice on the order of Eugene V Debs.
A true hero, a man willing to suffer for the greater good despite whatever harsh treatment he may face.
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Did you interview the seal to get her side? Calling her a slut is journalistically irresponsible and may give rise to a defamation suit. You’ve been warned.
Bravo satire, Rory. Looks like the seal wanted to scrap tho!
They can be cockheads.
If Shitloh Acunta wants to fight seals he should come down to Vicco and I’ll beat the fuck out of him wearing flippers.
New headline: Motherfucker attacks mother foca.
Pretty sure it was a Billabong team manager trying to recreate “The Cove” in a futile effort to convince Rasta not to join the hippies over at Patagonia now his contract has expired..
But, does he identify as a dolphin or a human?
Thats no seal; its Jimbo Pellegrine frolicking in his natural domain.
Nah it wasn’t missing a fin threatening everyone, screaming about pino coladas.
Haha; F-ing Jimbo.
As if this seal hasn’t had enough to contend with – scars all over it shark bites, and looks like netting or line almost cut her head off!!!
Would have been way better all round if the seal just simply bit his fucking arm off dragged him out to sea and drowned him.
We are scraping the barrel now Rory aren’t we – just about to read about your cock now – cant wait!!!
It’s another 0/10 attempt at humor by Rory.