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Let the bad times roll!

Advice for our terrible present!

Sometimes we go on surf trips and our flights are all on time, our boards arrive un-dinged, the sun shines, the waves barrel just barely overhead and the locals smile at us while we are weaving through their barrels. When we come home we tell our friends and lovers all about it. We say, “Oh boy did I ever score. And the stewardess on the way home, she was brunette and leggy and wowza honk honk aaaahhhoooogaaahh and she made eyes at me the whole flight long.”

And they listen, half interested, until the bit about the stewardess and then they roll their own eyes deep inside their skulls. Perfection, you see, is boring. Perfection is fun in the moment but not a good story afterward and not even particularly memorable.

Because sometimes we go on surf trips and our flights catch fire and divert to Panama City, our boards don’t arrive, the sun either sizzles like the heat of hell or stays completely hidden, the waves tower and eat us alive or don’t show up and the locals pull machetes on us or try to shoot us, as we camp on the beach, because they know that white people turn into devils at night.

And the stewardess on the way home is a fat man from Djibouti who insists on wearing shorts well above the knee. When we come home and tell our friends and lovers about it, when we say, “I spent seven days in a Balinese hospital because little amoebas decided to eat my intestines” their eyes go wide with fascination. Hardship, you see, is the stuff of legend. Hardship hurts in the moment but is a wonderful story afterward and will be remembered forever.

And so, on your next surf trip, don’t always take the easy way. Keep your eyes wide, looking for possible adventure. Is there a one legged man who tells of a secret wave far in the distance? Go to that secret wave. Is there a border to sneak across to get into a forbidden zone? Sneak. But don’t and I mean DO NOT try to create some hideous cliché and pass it off as amazing. Like, do not stay in a hostel and sit up smoking weed all night with the Danish bar manager. Do not drink the magic mushroom milkshake and dance under the moonlight.

Do not go to a native village off the beaten path, come home and tell your friends and lovers, “The natives live so much more simply and, by extension, they are so much happier.” That is the most hideous of clichés. The natives are not happier. They yearn for high definition and paper money pegged to the U.S. dollar with a narrow band.

moments before the almost disaster...
moments before the almost disaster... | Photo: Pete Taras

The day BeachGrit almost killed me!

I've just realized what evil lurks herein.

The other day we republished a Robert Fazio piece (5 things you need to stop doing (now)!) that made people (rightfully) livid!

To be completely honest, I didn’t read it when it went up, though I skimmed, and I didn’t read the comments, though I should have. It was one of the best feeds we’ve ever had with discussion of circumcision, Baroque art and Evangeline Lilly. It is totally worth going for a read.

In any case, in my skim I thought Mr. Fazio had written something about wrapping a leash around a board being uncool. I never do that except for when I ride my bike to the beach.

And today with Mr. Fazio’s advice in the back on my mind I got lazy and did not wrap the leash tightly at all. Instead, I lazily pitched it around the racks then took off.

I peddled lazily up the Pacific Coast Highway while cars whizzed by. As I continue to be completely honest, I was white wine drunk. Swerving a little. Not paying attention. Getting internally angry at people who put Hawaiian island stickers on their motor scooters. Etc.

Next thing I know, a man is screaming at me from a Jeep with probably a Hawaiian island sticker on its bumper. He’s screaming, “Your leash!”

I look back and he’s right! My leash is dragging far behind almost getting clipped by cars, almost snagging on guard rails. Etc. I swerved when I looked, a lot, and a car almost hit me.

I almost died because one of our fucking things.

Now I know how WSL CEO Paul Speaker feels.

P.S. I just read it and Mr. Fazio never wrote anything about wrapping a leash around a board. Where did that even come from?

WSL commentary
Does it feel to you, as it does to me, that this four-pack has started to hit some beautiful notes? (From left) The provocative Ron Blakey with the black wavy hair combed severely back from the forehead. Strider Wasilewski, the fiery red, the honest countenance of Ross Williams and Peter Mel, who might be considered, in impolite company, as Ron Blakey's less attractive twin. But where's Pottz? The only commentator to've won a world title?

J-Bay: Where was Pottz?

Has Martin Potter been disappeared like the once-everywhere Chelsea Cannell?

The commentariat hit beautiful notes during this year’s  Jeffrey’s Bay contest. This is, I believe, an opinion that is difficult, perhaps, impossible to argue against.

Ross Williams looks as if something otherworldly is feeding his vitality. Like an octopus he throws out a first, a second, a third tentacle, fastening it onto every technical aspect of a surfer’s game.

Is it because he once surfed a J-Bay final (against a teenage Joel Parkinson) that made him convulse with information? Or is all that practice in the shower paying off?

“I’m absolutely in love with what I do,” says Ross. “It’s a total privilege to be a retired pro surfer and, then, suddenly, be gifted the chance to relay all the information I have logged in my head. I love it. I love it.”

The big-wave champion Peter Mel, who let’s be frank is the provocative Aaron’s Blakey’s less attractive twin, has become so prolific with opinion, sound bites of board design and passing quips, that the viewer looks forward to gazing at him dreamily.

Strider Wasilewski? Even if it looks as if some evil spell has transformed his famous attack dog tits into something that would make even a  seasoned whore shudder, his work is candid.

Rosie, of course, is a voluptuous pleasure. 

But where was Martin Potter, the former world champion whose stern countenance harnesses entire events? Whose elegnant, and non-specific accent, marks his refinement among a group, who let’s be frank again, are marked by their very provincial tones.

Was he sacked for his frankness? For his ability to cut through the haze and deliver simple, yet cutting, commentary?

Had he disappeared into the same secret garden as the once-everywhere Chelsea Cannell? 

According to the WSL, Pottz is “still very much on the A-team. Mr. Potter shall return for Tahiti. The team take some events off to recharge and hang with family.”

The deal is, commentators take one or two events off per year, which is arranged with the head of programming. Ms Cannell, says the WSL, is “still part of the WSL Broadcast Team. She took some time off of traveling to spend with the family, but has been contributing to the studio side of things.”

Is Adriano de Souza our Eagle?

Is the Little Plumber our most inspirational figure? Will Hollywood laud his can-do spirit?

Last night I watched the film Eddie the Eagle and tears in my eyes! Have you seen? It tells the inspirational story of a ginger British man with Coke bottle glasses who dreamed of going to the Olympics!

He tried and tried and tried many different pursuits, eventually settling on ski jumping since the United Kingdom hadn’t fielded a team in decades and he could qualify. The crusty British machinery was against him, trying to thwart him at every turn, but his Dunkirk spirit prevailed and he became a favorite of the 1988 Calgary Olympics even though ginger and British and Coke bottle glasses and last place and poo stance.

Oh of course the filmmakers took certain liberties with the storyline but I remember watching Eddie soar when I was a young boy, watched him thumbs up the camera, watched him felt exhilarated. Anything was possible!

Hollywood sure does love an inspirational sports story because who doesn’t? The Blind Side and its homeless black teen who becomes an NFL star thanks to a white family. Rudy and its short little pudge who plays for football powerhouse Notre Dame. Million Dollar Arm and Indians (from India) learning to pitch in the major leagues (of baseball). Etc.

I started wondering who our surf inspirational story is besides Bethany Hamilton and Jimbo Pellegrine? Who allows are imaginations to really take flight? Part of the inspirational sports story is its everyman quality. We can all be heroes!

Bethany and Jimbo are, no doubt, inspirational but not everymen. Bethany appears to be the greatest surfer alive. Jimbo maybe too.

Which brought me to Adriano de Souza. The unloved little plumber from Brazil with a stance so wide architects building in earthquake zones look to him for revelation. The boy who golden child Kelly Slater loves to dump on. The tireless fighter that never took “no” for an answer even when his sponsors fled to the hills.

The everyman!

Is he our Eagle? Or Rudy? Should we love him more and will we feel guilty for not loving him more when The Little Plumber Who Could hits theaters in 2030?

I won’t feel guilty because I wrote this right here but you will/should.

foil boards
The hydrofoil has become one of the most sophisticated forms of gliding through the water. The feeling of lifting onto a surface and riding in three dimensions unlocks new experiences and sensations that one is unable to achieve on traditional boards. Imagine the feeling of flying over the surface of the water with a direct connection to the conditions below.

Hydro-foils: “Someone will die!”

Decapitation by aluminium blade!

Hydro-foils. You know ’em.

You might’ve thrilled to Kai Lenny riding one in Tahiti two weeks ago. 

You like the way Lenny rides a wave to the death, flies off the back of the wave with enough speed to catch the wave behind it? Yeah, me too.

They’re savage looking things, though.

Imagine getting sliced by that aluminium blade, the razor edge sawing through the neck like a medieval executioner for whom no gold coin is offered.

Jamie Mitchell, the paddleboarder turned big-wave surfer, says he knows what’s coming.

In Jamie’s opinion, someone’s going to get iced by one, and real soon. In a pretty emotional post on Facebook, he writes:

“So lately I have been asked consistently about my thoughts on the so called “NEW” foil popularity and haven’t really said much but, yesterday, sadly, I saw a photo that I knew was coming sooner then later.

Foils are for open ocean swells, outer bombies and places where there are no people or very few people doing it together. Foils are dangerous. Very dangerous. And do not belong in the surf zone with the masses and general public.

Yes, Kai and and a few talented kids can probably control the boards amazingly well, but you can’t control other peoples actions and movements. I see more and more clips everyday of people trying the foils and I am so scared that someone will pay the ultimate price and die.

Look at this photo below. If a foil hits you or you hit someone with the foil it’s going to end badly. I sure hope the people and companies that are making money off these are doing their best to educate people about the dangers. I don’t think this will be the first or last incident unfortunately.

I’m very happy that the gentleman in this photo will be ok. Please think about your surroundings before you just jump in and start surfing those boards.”

The surfer in the photo is Yu Tonbi Sumitomo, a bit of a figure in Japanese surfing. No kook. Which, says Jamie, is his point.

“He is an experienced waterman that was doing it in the right way, in the right place and look what happened. Imagine someone who isn’t experienced or even if they are that are in a crowded spot! To me that’s a recipe for disaster!”

Yu Tonbi Sumitomo
Look at this guy, says Jamie Mitchell: “He is an experienced waterman that was doing it in the right way, in the right place and look what happened. Imagine someone who isn’t experienced or even if they are that are in a crowded spot! To me that’s a recipe for disaster!”

In response to Jamie’s post, Yu writes:

“Hi Jamie Mitchell san. This was my bad. Waves are waist to chest. No one around except me and my father. Had struggle first 30 min. Then I start figure. Had such fun time. Then see what you see what happen. I been surfing since I was 8. 36 year experience. Your friend Sean O. is my best friend we made SUP 11 year ago. I thought foiling is easy. It is easy but easy to turn very dangerous. What I learn from this is have to be careful. Surfing. Or sup. Or foiling. Thank you for the comment and hope no one get’s hurt like I did. Sure foiling is amazing.”

I gotta say, the sell for ’em is compelling. As this surf shop on Maui writes:

The hydrofoil has become one of the most sophisticated forms of gliding through the water. The feeling of lifting onto a surface and riding in three dimensions unlocks new experiences and sensations that one is unable to achieve on traditional boards. Imagine the feeling of flying over the surface of the water with a direct connection to the conditions below. Experience a drastic reduction in drag and complete silence as you lift your board off the water and fly. It’s as if kitesurfing meets deep powder snowboarding.”

Buy one here if you spit in the face of decapitation.