Watch the floater!
Watch the floater! | Photo: WSL/ Daniel Smorigo

Rio: “Surfing in human crap!”

A new report suggests Rio's ocean is an absolute cesspool. Fun for everyone but especially fun for the surfers who were just there!

First it was the shoddy plumbing/electrical wiring in the Olympic Village and now this! A new report just released by The New York Times, days ahead of the 2016 Olympiad in Rio de Janeiro, says everyone will be bathing, playing and celebrating in human feces. Let’s read!

Health experts have a word of advice for the Olympic marathon swimmers, sailors and windsurfers competing in Rio de Janeiro’s picture-postcard waters next month: Keep your mouth closed

Despite the government’s promises seven years ago to stem the waste that fouls Rio’s expansive Guanabara Bay and the city’s fabled ocean beaches, officials acknowledge that their efforts to treat raw sewage and scoop up household garbage have fallen far short.

In fact, environmentalists and scientists say Rio’s waters are much more contaminated than previously thought.

Recent tests by government and independent scientists revealed a veritable petri dish of pathogens in many of the city’s waters, from rotaviruses that can cause diarrhea and vomiting to drug-resistant “superbacteria” that can be fatal to people with weakened immune systems.

Researchers at the Federal University of Rio also found serious contamination at the upscale beaches of Ipanema and Leblon, where many of the half-million Olympic spectators are expected to frolic between sporting events.

“Foreign athletes will literally be swimming in human crap, and they risk getting sick from all those microorganisms,” said Dr. Daniel Becker, a local pediatrician who works in poor neighborhoods. “It’s sad but also worrisome.”

The best part? Surfing’s own World League just two-ish months ago had the top 40 out in the same water, splashing and celebrating John John’s victory with mouths wide open. Rotaviruses that cause diarrhea and vomiting pouring right in.

Why would WSL CEO Paul Speaker willingly expose his athletes to such unbelievable conditions? Unfettered greed? Necessity born of having no real sponsors? Bad instincts coupled with worse business acumen? A haircut borrowed from his hero Roger Goodell? A spirit borrowed from his other hero Donald J. Trump? An iron fist borrowed from his third favorite hero Angela Merkel? The belief that Kelly Slater makes way north of 20 million dollars each year and could easily fund a clinic that dedicates itself to healing sick surfers?


Or maybe just surfers are tough and don’t moan like little babies about teeny tiny superbacteria and so when they were told to go just went.

Yes, it has become sport to kick around the Jewel of the South Atlantic but enough already. Rio de Janeiro is an earthly paradise. A heaven that we are lucky to have.

Enough, I shout from the top of Sugarloaf!

Let the people with weak immune systems stay home! You too CEO Paul Speaker. You stay in Santa Monica where, if you did surf, would find the water not quite as bad but also not very good. You stay with all the Google nerds and Snapchat kooks and Venice adjacent Inertia goobs. You just stay in your knock-off Herman Miller Aeron chair, looking out the window and dreaming retard jock dreams.

Take me to Rio city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty!

invisible surfboard

Wow: The Invisible Surfboard!

Come believe the unbelievable!

Do you remember the invisible board section from Spike Jonze’s 2003 skate film Yeah, Right? I so ain’t skate but this, jammed alongside the John Frusciante instrumental Murderers, sure did throw the sport up a dozen rungs.

(The Owen Wilson carpark cameo had me too.)

At the time, I figured, oowee, won’t be long before we get a surf version. And how right I was!

Thirteen years later, Foster Huntington presents… Floater, surfing’s take on invisible boards. It’s more compelling than you might think. Ryan Burch thrills like nothing else, wouldn’t you say?

Or am I easily impressed?

Watch the invisible board section in Yeah, Right here, for background…

Laugh a little at Owen Wright here.

And see how the invisible board thing applies to surf!

For the low low cost of US$1989 (airfare and meals not included), you can fly to Bali and learn the ins and outs of travel blogging at the feet of literary luminaries such as Gemma Clarke, Nat Kassel, Shaun Fisher and Mimi LaMontagne! | Photo: Globalhobo

Opportunity: Pay to work in Bali!

An internship you need to see to believe!

Summer’s here, and I’m sad to say that Rory Parker’s Kauai Spare Room Learning Academy for Surfboard Writers remains on hiatus due to alleged Mann Act violations.

I find myself at loose ends.

As much as I love imparting wisdom to young souls using my own brand of especially hands-on didacticism my legal counsel has advised me to put things on hold as we deal with the aforementioned ongoing litigation.

“You can’t fuck your students, Rory.”

“Why not?  Sartre and de Beauvoir did.”

“And they both got in trouble for it. It’s not allowed. You’re in a position of power. They’re too easily influenced.”

“I don’t see how that’s my problem.”

“They’re pressing charges. That’s why it’s your problem.”

“But seventeen is legal in Hawaii.”

“It isn’t in their home state. You can’t fly kids to Hawaii and then fuck them.”

“Ah!  But I didn’t fly them out.  Their parents bought the tickets.”

“Yeah and their parents are pissed.  They thought they were sending their kids to Summer school, not some degenerate fuck house.”

“How dare you! There’s nothing degenerate about what I did to them!”

“Don’t play dumb, you’re in a lot of trouble. Seriously, get your shit together.”

But all hope is not yet lost! Global Hobo, a travel website aimed at millennials playing vagabond on mommy and daddy’s dime, is hosting a similar program. And they’re accepting applications!

For the low low cost of US$1989 (airfare and meals not included), you can fly to Bali and learn the ins and outs of travel blogging at the feet of literary luminaries such as Gemma Clarke, Nat Kassel, Shaun Fisher, and Mimi LaMontagne!

Twenty year olds critiquing my writing! Unfettered access to a series of easily manipulated ambulatory orifices! How could I pass up this amazing opportunity to pay someone to work for them?

Travel to the uber-hip Balinese province of Canggu with Global Hobo. Over the course of a month, a team of word-savvy hobos will be given intensive writing and blogging tutelage focused on travel as well as cross-cultural language training with a Balinese language school. In their free time, interns will be exploring every nook and cranny of southern Bali so they can put together a comprehensive online destination guide in teams. They’ll also be producing two pieces for Global Hobo, which will be heavily workshopped over the course of the program. (Emphasis theirs.)

Blogging tutelage!

Twenty year olds critiquing my writing! Unfettered access to a series of easily manipulated ambulatory orifices! How could I pass up this amazing opportunity to pay someone to work for them?

I ran the idea by my wife, she’s more than willing to bankroll my month long adventure in shouting down criticism and peer pressuring kids into experimental living. All that remains is to be accepted.

Send a winning cover letter, resume and writing sample to our editor Gemma at [email protected] proving why you are the hobo worthy of this incredible opportunity and outlining any skills you think may be relevant, such as photography, social media, the ability to use inDesign etc. Any boring emails will be thrown out the window. 

Here’s my application letter.

Dearest Gemma,

I recently came across your call for interns and would love nothing more than to pay for the privilege of contributing to your website.

I’m very well traveled, having sojourned (that’s a great word, right?) to locales such as Canada, Mexico, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Argentina, Chile, Morocco, Turkey, Egypt, China, Thailand, and Cambodia. So many adventures, so many fond memories.

I once punched a beggar child in the head!  He was trying to lift my wallet and totally had it coming.

Glancing at your photos on social media I noticed many young, nubile, college students. But not a single thirty six year old married man. Which you desperately need. What I lack in taut skin and trim waistline I more than compensate for with wisdom earned through years of experience.

I’m well versed in many aspects of the vagabond trip. Including, but not limited to:

-Masturbating relatively quietly in a shared lodging scenario.

-Attaining palliative care for STI’s in third world destinations.

-Shouting at taxi drivers.

-Proper applications of violence.

-Over-use of present tense in pseudo-enlightened travel blogging.

-Proper procurement of illicit substances outside US borders.

-Making yourself understood using only gestures and volume.

I am currently clean shaven, but I am capable of growing a truly majestic beard. The following link depicts what that would look like.  

Click here!

Further examples of my digital prowess:

Click here! 

And here! 

Furthermore, you can find a writing sample at the following link.

Click here! 

Before we move forward, as I can only assume you’re already mentally preparing my acceptance letter, I have a few questions.

Can I receive a discount if I do not plan to attend the language classes? I prefer to communicate by shouting in accented English. 

Would it be possible to attain a look book prior to selecting my roommate? Both male and female, please.

What are your policies regarding public defecation?  

Your terms and conditions state that participants “must agree that Global Hobo may capture and use video recordings and photographs of them over the course of the internship and may use their name, image and written testimonial in all media, be it commercial, promotional or otherwise.”  Does this mean that clothing is mandatory? 

Do you require disclosure of an individual’s sex offender status?

I eagerly await your reply and look forward to joining your group of sexy children outside the reach of my country’s legal system.


Rory Parker

Hope for our fractured times!

The world is in a dark place...but don't worry! Hope and joy are just a click away!

Just kidding!

I have a migraine so this is what you get instead.

There are seven types of men. Only seven. And each man is one of these types or a mix of two of these types. Never three.

Type 1 (clown)

He wears baggy clown-like pants and a baggy t-shirt and a backward baseball cap. He drinks beer and after three gets extremely loud. He gets so loud that people move away from him, perceptibly. He wears a thick gold chain and he loves to watch mixed martial arts and his friends are all clowns too. He surfs during summer vacation and exchanges his thick gold chain for a shell necklace.

Type 2 (afraid)

He is timid and too thin or too fat. His voice is quiet and he doesn’t have an opinion on many things or he changes his opinion at the drop of a hat. He doesn’t drive a car because of potential car accidents. He doesn’t fly. He works at the local fussy coffee spot. He once had a girlfriend but that was twenty years ago when he was ten. He is allergic to gluten. He believes in global warming and the powerful stage presence of Ryan Gosling.

Type 3 (weird)

He loves horror movies. He listens to Henry Rollins spoken word albums on vinyl. He obsesses about linux and other internet technologies. He has a girlfriend who wears vinyl pants. He has a pet rat. His mother loved him too much and his father not enough. Early in life he believed his superior intellect would take him places in this life. When it only took him to a clerk job at a camera store it made him hate all those in positions of power. It also made him snide. He has never fought a man. He has slapped a woman.

Type 4 (jock)

He is a jock, handsome with good bone structure and muscles that will turn a bit doughy if he doesn’t stay on top of a severe workout regime. He surfs very jocky on his board. Like he expects hurricane-force gales to knock him over. Girls are drawn to his handsome and his muscles and his friendly personality. He laughs at sitcoms. He is the anchor of modern man.

Type 5 (ethnic)

He is from Africa, Asia, Sub-Asia, South America, Central America, Mexico, the Middle East. He likes some sort of string-based/horn-based music that makes no sense. He is just passing time and enjoying the little things like grilled meat.

Type 6 (asshole)

Does many things on purpose to push the buttons of those around him. He dresses like an asshole and talks like one too. If a beautiful girl sitting in his company tells him that he is rude he takes a drag of his cigarette and blows smoke in her face. He was not attractive as a child but became attractive later in life. He goes to bed each night feeling smug about himself.

Type 7 (self-hating handsome)

He was born handsome and grew handsome and is still handsome but he has no other skill. Nothing. He is a model or a waiter or personal assistant. He can’t do anything well but is handsome so hates himself because he knows he can’t do anything well. He was too handsome, as a young person, to be weird so he feels perpetually removed from humanity. He curses his fate and others look at him and wonder, “What the hell is he doing?” He wonders as well but comforts himself in the arms of beautiful women but then hates himself for doing so.

Common mixes. 

Successful artist (weird-asshole)

Construction worker (weird-ethnic)

Businessman (afraid-asshole)

Actor (self-hating handsome-asshole)

Clothing designer (afraid-asshole)

Cell phone salesman (weird-afraid)


matt archbold house
Dazzling your new neighbours with your own take on that classic Arch straight-up hit… 

Buy: Archy’s $2 Mill OTW Beach Shack!

Right there, on the beach, Off the Wall!

It’s a world for the one-percenters, I know. But do you, like me, thing two mill is a helluva deal to scoop up a slice of beachfront property on the most prime of prime land on the North Shore?

Matt Archbold, whose life we’ll study in a moment, is selling his four bed, three-crapper joint at 59-460 Ke Waena Rd for two-point-two million dollars.

The house is four thousand square feet, was built in 1990 and Arch’ll even throw in the washing machine and microwave.

Wait, he’ll throw in everything!

Let’s examine the marketing copy.

The home is fully furnished, turn key and presents an appreciable investment opportunity. Ocean views and steps away to the sandy beachthe ARCHY house could be yours! Bonus features include 1/1 guest quarters, remodeled kitchen & baths, roof top deck with BBQ, 3 car garage, new split A/C unit, security alarm, 2 outdoor showers+++more.

If you’ve been around the game long enough you’ll remember Matt Archbold, who is now forty eight years old, as the beautiful long-haired prodigy from San Clemente, a more dangerous Kolohe Andino, California’s own Martin Potter.

From the Encyclopedia of Surfing: 

Archbold had earned a reputation as one of the world’s best aerialists, along with fellow San Clemente surfer Christian Fletcher—both were greatly influenced by aerial pioneer and world tour champion Martin Potter—but to categorize him as such was a disservice: in small- and mid-sized waves Archbold was simply one of the best in the world—fast, fluid, limber, and innovative, with superhuman balance and the quickest reflexes in the game. It was often said at the time that his raw talent was equal to that of three-time world champion Tom Curren. Future three-time world champion Andy Irons often cited Archbold as his greatest influence.

And the fall:

His drinking and drug use kept pace. Archbold made surf world headlines in 1993, when he was given a six-month “work farm” prison sentence following a drunk driving arrest, his second such conviction, on top of a number of similar arrests. “I have a problem with drinking, and it gets me in trouble,” Archbold told a surf journalist while serving his term at a state-run minimum security facility in El Toro, California. A childhood friend of Archbold’s, interviewed for the 1998 surf video documentary Addiction: The Archy Story, agreed. “He’s on the wagon, he’s off the wagon. He doesn’t care about the wagon. He’d break the wagon and put it on your tab if he could.

Still, Arch, who is the father of the musician-surfer Ford Archbold,  also a master of depravityain’t dumb.

This house last traded for 950k a year ago.

If the sale happens, he’ll double his cash, plus a little change.