Rio: “Surfing in human crap!”

A new report suggests Rio's ocean is an absolute cesspool. Fun for everyone but especially fun for the surfers who were just there!

First it was the shoddy plumbing/electrical wiring in the Olympic Village and now this! A new report just released by The New York Times, days ahead of the 2016 Olympiad in Rio de Janeiro, says everyone will be bathing, playing and celebrating in human feces. Let’s read!

Health experts have a word of advice for the Olympic marathon swimmers, sailors and windsurfers competing in Rio de Janeiro’s picture-postcard waters next month: Keep your mouth closed

Despite the government’s promises seven years ago to stem the waste that fouls Rio’s expansive Guanabara Bay and the city’s fabled ocean beaches, officials acknowledge that their efforts to treat raw sewage and scoop up household garbage have fallen far short.

In fact, environmentalists and scientists say Rio’s waters are much more contaminated than previously thought.

Recent tests by government and independent scientists revealed a veritable petri dish of pathogens in many of the city’s waters, from rotaviruses that can cause diarrhea and vomiting to drug-resistant “superbacteria” that can be fatal to people with weakened immune systems.

Researchers at the Federal University of Rio also found serious contamination at the upscale beaches of Ipanema and Leblon, where many of the half-million Olympic spectators are expected to frolic between sporting events.

“Foreign athletes will literally be swimming in human crap, and they risk getting sick from all those microorganisms,” said Dr. Daniel Becker, a local pediatrician who works in poor neighborhoods. “It’s sad but also worrisome.”

The best part? Surfing’s own World League just two-ish months ago had the top 40 out in the same water, splashing and celebrating John John’s victory with mouths wide open. Rotaviruses that cause diarrhea and vomiting pouring right in.

Why would WSL CEO Paul Speaker willingly expose his athletes to such unbelievable conditions? Unfettered greed? Necessity born of having no real sponsors? Bad instincts coupled with worse business acumen? A haircut borrowed from his hero Roger Goodell? A spirit borrowed from his other hero Donald J. Trump? An iron fist borrowed from his third favorite hero Angela Merkel? The belief that Kelly Slater makes way north of 20 million dollars each year and could easily fund a clinic that dedicates itself to healing sick surfers?

Why?

Or maybe just surfers are tough and don’t moan like little babies about teeny tiny superbacteria and so when they were told to go just went.

Yes, it has become sport to kick around the Jewel of the South Atlantic but enough already. Rio de Janeiro is an earthly paradise. A heaven that we are lucky to have.

Enough, I shout from the top of Sugarloaf!

Let the people with weak immune systems stay home! You too CEO Paul Speaker. You stay in Santa Monica where, if you did surf, would find the water not quite as bad but also not very good. You stay with all the Google nerds and Snapchat kooks and Venice adjacent Inertia goobs. You just stay in your knock-off Herman Miller Aeron chair, looking out the window and dreaming retard jock dreams.

Take me to Rio city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty!