"I hate you... Did I just say that out loud? Hahahaha!"

WSL: “The benelovent enslavers of fuck!”

What if the World Surf League released a blooper reel? It would for sure slay!

I don’t know what my problem is. I never played Dungeons and Dragons as a child. Not even once. How are you supposed to play? Is it a card game? Are there dice? Is it roll playing or role playing? I don’t know. I have never been a fan of fantasy. None of it. The Hobbit etc. can suck a short one. I don’t like the imaginary nor do I like winged creatures.

But Game of Thrones.

The HBO show snagged me from the word Mother of Dragons and I am still surprised because of the above. Sure the story is fun and the acting is exceptional and the costumes/nude scenes captivate. It is a good show and I am now addicted. Screw you Rory Parker and your cranky/hater ways!

And I just watched this blooper reel from season six and laughed out loud into my vodka ginger beer.

Professional surfing, on the other hand, hasn’t made me laugh in three years. Not even one chuckle. Not even a half chortle. Not even after I’ve had seven vodka ginger beers. Wouldn’t it be totally grand if the WSL made a blooper reel like the Game of Thrones one? Ronnie saying something antisemitic then spitting out a mouthful of Balter. “Mick Fanning gassing the competition like fucking Je….. I almost said it! I almost said it!”

Joe Turpel stumbling over the phrase jam off the top… “He jums off the tup… He jims off the tip… He joms off the tap… Hahahahahah someone gimme a hand here?”

Martin Potter actually turning into a real human for four seconds.

“I used to be fucking Pottz! POTTTZ! Like, FUCK ALL OF YOU SHITBAG NOBODIES! Shit. Did I just say that? Out loud? Hahaha!”

Strider punching Adriano in the face after a butt poo claim.

“Back to you in the studio! Am I punching this guy right now? Am I? Look at these attack dog tits! Wiggle wiggle wiggle SLAM! Hahahaha!”

It would be magic. Absolute magic.

Rumor: Dane and Craig’s baby lives!

Is your heart able to withstand the ups and downs? The crazy highs and depressing lows of the brand formerly known as Destroyr?

What a rollercoaster ride surfing’s two most eligible bachelors have taken us on! Do you recall when Dane brexited from his Quiksilver contract and went to surf for… ummm… no one? Or Vans? Or something? Do you recall when Craig Anderson brexited his Quiksilver right behind and went to surf for … ummm … really no one? Huf shoes? Or some such?

The rumors sure did swirl afterward. They had brexited their contracts in order to start a super brand named Destroyr! But then something happened. Maybe a certain magazine published the name too early and a certain owner of the mark “Destroyr” upped the price of ownership to beyond reasonable. Or something!

In any case, conflicting reports have continued unabated, rollercoastering us all. It’s alive. It’s dead. It’s alive. It’s dead. It’s alive.

The latest?

The brand is alive and well, though yet to be named but has a creative director and other personnel.

This news thrills me beyond. I wonder what the signature pieces will be. A very short boardshort like BeachGrit‘s? A skatey button-up with the words “You’ll never be us” sewn to the inside pocket? A beer holder made of raw denim and Zen poetry? A device that loosens our back knees and so we look like we’re pimp walking while we surf?


What do you think the brand should be called? I think maybe:







adriano de souza
"An Olympic medal is missing in my career," says Adriano De Souza, middle of frame. "I hope that in 2020 it won't be missing anymore. I am already imagining myself putting on my country's lycra and fighting for a podium place."

Triumph: Adriano lofts Olympic Torch!

And warns of gold medals in Tokyo!

Vindication has been slow in arriving for the reigning world champion and Pipeline Master, Adriano de Souza.

I’m positive you won’t have forgotten how, hours after the remarkable double feat, the first by a Brazilian, Kelly Slater loosed vision of a wavepool unlike anything the world had ever seen.

Chas Smith wrote, “He had etched his name into the record books and could sit back and be lauded for a hard-fought year. Except he couldn’t because when he woke up this morning the lauders were glued to computer screens not watching his year’s highlights but ogling Kelly Slater’s magnificent wave.”

Do you remember Kelly and Adriano’s ancient blood feud?

I’m certainly not a world expert at body language, an expert at nothing except online shopping if truth be told, but it does seem that Kelly fudges when the interviewer Mitchell Ross asks for the causes of the event. Do you like it when Kelly likens Adriano’s intemperance to a chemical imbalance due to his “passion”? I do!

This now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t exchange was a pulse throbber too!


Anyway, the eyes of the world were on Adriano de Souza today, and not Kelly, and not Gabriel, when the Brazilian carried the Olympic torch in his home town of Guarujá, making a spectacular arrival via boat, and flanked by foam SUPs.

“I came back to Brazil just to participate in the relay. I am so happy everything worked out. It’s a great honour to carry the torch.”

And, watch out Tokyo 2020. Adriano, he want gold!

“I am already imagining myself putting on my country’s lycra and fighting for a podium place.”

His wedding was something else, too. Watch that here.



Here we see Dave speaking Portuguese in an Austral-American accent!
Here we see Dave speaking Portuguese in an Austral-American accent!

Definitely don’t Kill WSL’s Dave Prodan!

He is the WSL's great media director and he has a new podcast! Come listen to secrets!

Dave Prodan is a star in my books. Both my literal one and my figurative one! In my literal one (Welcome to Paradise, Now Go to Hell available today!) I write:

I turn into the Ehukai Beach Park, throw another shaka at Dave Prodan, and hear him say, awkwardly, “G’Day, Chas” with his Austral-American accent. Dave was half raised in Newport Beach, California and half raised in Australia and so his accent is a mess. He is now the marketing director for the ASP. Not an enviable position here.

In my  figurative one he proudly sits at the same table as Brodie Carr, Paul Evans, Angela Merkel. Surfing men who don’t have the word “quit” in their vocabulary. His stick-to-itiveness is beyond impressive.

And Dave has been the marketing director/media liaison/man who ain’t afraid of the li’l old surf press of the ASP cum WSL for over ten years. Oh the things he’s seen, heard, kept secret. Oh the abuse that must be heaped upon his full, curly brown hairs!

But the secrets may soon spill! Dave has just launched a new podcast called Kill the Messenger. I’m certain it is a reference to the abuse heaped upon his full, curly brown hairs.

I’m also certain Kill the Messenger is fabulous but it would be most fabulous with one or two secrets per episode? Which NFL team footsie pajamas does WSL CEO Paul Speaker wear to bed each night? Who is Graham Stapelberg’s favorite Backstreet Boy? Does WSL CEO Paul Speaker get jealous and scream “Why G? Why do you hurt me so? What does A.J. McLean have that I don’t?” into his pillow while kicking his New England Patriots feetsies? Is there a Nixon-style WSL “enemies list” at the the Santa Monica headquarters? Does it look like this 1) Chas Smith 2) Chas Smith 3) Chas Smith 4) Bobby Martinez?

Listen now!

P.S. His Austral-American accent has either disappeared or only existed in my mind.

Robert Shaw as Quint in Jaws
Eeek! I'm in its jaws! Lewis, baby, Lewis! Help!

I saw a great white take my pal!

"I saw the shark breeching out of the water with him in its mouth!"

Lewis Samuels is what you’d call a soul surfer if that term hadn’t been so corrupted. Lew surfs lonely big waves in the sharkiest of northern Californian waters and he ain’t afraid of either.

Lew has five pals who’ve been attacked by great white sharks. One, Royce Fraley, has been attacked… twice.

Lew was there for one of ’em.

“We were really far out to sea, literally, about a kilometre out to sea. It took 45 minutes to paddle out,” says Lew. “Out of the corner of my eye there was this explosion. And as I turned around, I saw the shark breeching out of the water with him in its mouth. Then they fell down in an explosion of whitewater, like when a whale breaches. Fifteen feet is as big as a car and they’re a lot fatter in person than you’d think they would be. And he was in the fish’s mouth and there was this fucking impact in the water and then there was nothing there, gone, like a fucking whirlpool of displaced whitewater where he’d been. There was no one else near him, just another friend way up the line, and so when the attack happened, what are you fucking going to do? You’re not going to leave your friend out there.”

But, says, Lew, “Let me be fucking honest. My first fucking response was to paddle away. But I thought about it, he was my friend, and whether or not he comes up he needs my help. And so I paddled back over, got there and he popped up out of the water and he pretty much paddled up onto my back, literally, trying to get out of the water. I said, ‘It’s alright, man! Hold on! I’ll paddle you in, man!”

What does a shark attack victim look like? “I didn’t want to look. We were 45 minutes out to sea and I figured he’d have a leg missing. I had this 200 pound guy on my back but… he fucking seemed okay. We started paddling next to each other. A friend, Britt, a lifeguard, saw what happened from a distance and started paddling with us, checking him, and he goes, ‘Where’s he fucking hurt?’ It didn’t make sense. Finally, we got in, I ran to a pay phone a mile away ’cause there’s no cell phone service and when I got back down there he was with an ambulance.”

The injuries, says Lew, were “like little scratches. The whole attack was a like a cartoon, like a toothpick in a dog. The board had gotten stuck in the mouth of the shark and it didn’t clamp on him. He was holding onto the board as the shark took him under and he got the scratches when he bounced off the shark.”

Lew says he finds comfort in the fact that great whites in northern California are different to the more energetic South African and Australian breed. In that, they have a different hunting pattern. They might bite but they’ll let go after the initial bleed and wait for you to bleed out instead of taking you down straight away.

“That gives you time to get medical help,” says Lew.

How did the attack affect Lew? Did he surf the spot again?

“What are you going to do? I was out there the next day. The waves were good.”